Disclaimer: Characters belong to Charlaine Harris and/or Alan Ball.

Saint Eric Contest + Sookehverse = Lunacy

Remember: Miral and sassyvampmama did not write this. Charlaine Harris's characters wrote these. A few of Alan Ball's characters may have had a hand in it, too.

TigerEyes224 (Quinn)

OMG! LMAO! This was Gr8, Babes! I really liked the John Schlong character. He was freakin' awesome! I mean really, he had a freakin' tail! And who doesn't like tigers? But I think that maybe Cookie was a little too mean to him but not giving him a chance. He did watch her eat after all. A girl like that, one who can put away that much food, is all good in my book! I'd do her.

Izod4evr (Bill)

Ah do not think that the character portrayal was very good. It would seem like Phil Johnson was a good and caring man and Cookie would have been very happy with him. It would take a very arrogant jackass of a vampire to assume that he could just take what another vampire had already claimed as his. If it were me, Ah would call the king or queen of the territory and lodge a strongly worded complaint against Mr. Southman.

Whatever (Thalia)

The Sheriff has commanded me to leave a review. It is done.

GingerKittyMeow (Ginger)

I just want to know why Cookie didn't want a peanut butter and butter sandwich while she was at McDonalds. They are so good, she should try one.

I think Derek Southman is H.O.T! When Cookie is done with him, can you send him my way? *fanning myself*

FangGod (Eric)

My child and her Witch friend,

I find it mildly amusing that you chose to post this chapter without using any of the edits that I so willingly gave you. You have wasted my very valuable time with your insolence. I will be expecting this mistake to be rectified immediately.

Should it not be, I will be forced to waste yet another night teaching you all about basic editing techniques I learned while attending night school. In doing so, I will have to ignore my beloved, which will anger her and further anger myself.

Silver might be involved, along with a skunk in your shoe closet. Credit cards will be cancelled… Need I go on?

~E

P.S. You need to mention my bottom more, it is ONE of my best features after all.

FanofFlannel (Alcide)

Man, I sure feel sorry for Cookie's character. I think she would be better off with a shifter (of any sort) than she would be with a fanger. I mean, they're like, dead and all. But a guy shows a little fur, and the girl goes flying. Why doesn't she want to have a nice quiet kind of life? You know, settle down and have a pup or two?

Bigred (Arlene)

Why would Cookie want to hang out with dead guys, even if they are sexy? They are evil minions of Satan. She would be better off with a good Christian man, not one who would turn her into a fangbanging whore of the devil. Seems to me that she needs to kick her roommates out and find a better group of friends.

colliesRcool (Sam)

I think it's sad that she was stringing her boss along all of this time. It would seem like he was a genuinely good guy. Maybe if he just sticks to it, she will get over her need for danger and she and her boss can try to get together. He would be very protective of her and make sure nothing ever happened to her, I can tell.

FoxyLady (Debbie)

Why does everybody assume that just because a girl is holding a gun and PRETENDING to point it at people that she is psychotic? I can't tell you how many times I've heard it myself. But it seems to me that this Cookie is nothing but a slimy scheming slut who would be better off dead before she has a chance to steal someone else's man. Maybe Dottie should have shot her.

boxOFrox (Jason)

huh, didn't c that one cuming. (lol) kind out there, don'tcha think? cuz if u want us 2 believe that half man half tigers r real, do u want us to bleve in santa claws and the easter bunny 2?

Hoytsbaby (Jessica)

*wiping tears from eyes from laughing too hard* This fic was hawt! I loved the GP and I hope it makes another appearance soon! And Phil is a riot, all crying about his Izod polos… hmmm, kinda reminds me of someone I know…*gigglesnort*

Update soon, I CAN'T Wait to see what happens next! HURRY!

Jessy'sMAN (Hoyt)

Good story. I liked it. Wish there was more sex.

vikingsexaddict (Sookie)

I still gotta say girls, it just doesn't seem realistic. Why would Cookie have sex with Derek the first time they meet, even after she tells him that she's a virgin? And the way she treats everyone else, where are her manners? My Gran would be rolling in her grave if I ever acted that way. I just don't get what all the hype is about, Sorry. :(

black'n'lovely (Lafayette)

Bi-yotches, you b bangin in this ditty. I b luvin it.

CrusaderforGOD (Sarah Newlin)

If my husband only knew… I would give most anything for one night with Derek, my panties are already wet just thinking about it. I think I need a long, hot, steamy… bath.

What a wonderful story, please post more soon. Can you do a banner?

fastfingerz (Franklin Mott)

I wish you could see how fast I was typing this. There, I just erased everything and retyped it really fast again. Has anyone seen my Tara? Good story, BTW.

madeforbill (Judith)

I bet that Phil's constant crying and bemoaning of his existence would get real old real fast. Kudos to Cookie for not sticking with him, not when the other 'fish' look like Mr. Southman. Yummy, I'd take a ride on his pixie-stick… WOW!

UltimateDayMan (Bobby)

There is no way that Cookie could take care of Phil's daytime needs. She is nowhere bright enough, and I bet she doesn't even have any of the required connections you would need to have. It is very important that a vampire hires a reputable day person, not just some pretty piece of a**. That is how you get staked in your sleep my friends, by not checking references. Just saying…

numbr1sheriff (Bud)

This story gave me friggin' ulcers. I just can't take this kind of sh** anymore, I just getting too old for it. First she's with her boss, then a stranger shows up at her door and she's off with him, then she drops him to be with some freaky drive-thru guy, and now she's with another stranger. Doesn't she realize that she could be in some serious trouble? Never Talk To Strangers!

tighty-not-so-whitys (Sam's Dad)

Yup, good story. Little lean on any kind of fighting, tho. Is she gonna get any money from them vamps for doin stuff for them? What about that shifter boss of her's? What's he payin her? Update soon.

Niall Brigant, Prince of the Fairies (same)

I don't understand why there aren't any fairies in this story? Why does Cookie live with a Lesbian couple? Can you not just dispense with the emo vampire?

Luv4Law (Andy Bellefleur, Human)

That's disgusting. That's what's wrong with the world nowadays.

NightyNightCop (Andy Bellefleur, Vampire)

Nice. I like how you got Grandpappy in there. He really does cry like that, too. Been trying to dislodge that rod from his ass for months. Nothing seems to work.

Faerieboi (Claude)

I think you should describe Derek's cock more. I found myself -as I usually do-wanting more. *hee hee*

Alan Ballsak (HBO Director)

This is brilliant. I need to find out who the author is. I have an idea of how to make a show out of it. But we need to add white trash. Lots of white trash. Fairies dancing by lily ponds. Some misogyny would be good. Lots of screaming. Especially the women. And the flying saucer from Close Encounters is up for sale on eBay. Oh...Oh...Oh... I think I'm going to CUM I'm so excited over this show!

The Scotsman (Greg Ferguson)

Well, I don't know what to say, really. You've got the angsty vamp in there. That's good, I guess. I think he needs attention and this is why he's so angsty all the time. I like the hot blonde with the unbelievable body. And that girl, Cookie, isn't bad either. You've got two Lesbians. That's always a good thing. Definitely better than only one Lesbian. I could do without the tiger-man, but maybe it's just me. No patience for laziness. Fine, he doesn't shift back but he can't pull a pair of pants on? He works in a McDonalds for goodness sake. I don't know why there isn't a viral video on the Facetube of this naked tiger-man with his peepee out at the McDonalds. The couple in the truck? The Skank and the Redneck. That's actually the name of a movie I'm filming...

OnTheEdge (Russell Edgington)

Ha ha ha. So that's how you leave it? Oh, my Talbot! My Talbot!

Talbot-in-a-Jar (same)

Glup…glup…sklurtch…blep…

Doclittle (Dr. Ludwig)

Well, I guess I've only got myself to blame. When I sat down with the lot of them—not Ms. Broadway, but all the others –a few months ago, I told them that writing would be a therapeutic way to get over some of their anxieties and allow them to explore their undiscovered facets. In retrospect, I think I can safely say we'd all be a lot better off if those facets remained unexplored. Maybe the Viking's edits will help.

AN: Hmmm. LOL.

Here's an idea. Either review - in character - any character - what would Edward or Bella think of it? - Pamelia's The Adventures of Derek Southman OR forward along your favorite cliche of SVM lemony goodness or favorite overdone scene.

Next Up: More of Pamelia. Yeah, that's right. They're extending their one-shot.