Disclaimer: Characters (I guess?) belong to Charlaine Harris.

Saint Eric Contest + Sookehverse = Lunacy

Remember: Miral and sassyvampmama did not write this. Pamelia wrote this and Eric Beta'd it.

All of Eric's additions are in bold italics print.

Sherriff's Note: Since my child and her witchy friend have declined to use my edits, I have decided to command her to post my version. This way you are free to determine that mine is infinitely better. I trust you will come to the same conclusion I did.

~E

Cookie Crackhouse, an extremely busty and curvaceous blond, was busy working as a waitress at her local bar, Dover's Bar and Grill. Her boss, Ben Dover, had had a crush on Cookie for a long time. Cookie, however was not interested in Ben Dover, as he was a disgusting emasculated shifter. Oh, sure Cookie would feign interest in Ben Dover, whenever it was convenient to her purposes. But her friends, Amanda and Jan, knew the truth.

"Cookie, why don't you ask Ben Dover out? Since he's such a woman he will obviously never ask you out?" asked Jan, who just happened to be a very astute and statuesque vampire, one day. Jan's maker must be very proud.

"Yeah, Cook," agreed Amanda, who was a real-life witch. "Hey, that makes me wonder. Can Ben Dover actually shift into a woman or is it animals only? When he shifts into animals, could he maybe make himself a female?"

"Oh," Jan nodded. "I have a question, too. Does he control his proportions? Can he choose to make himself shorter so that other parts of him are longer?" She asked with a quirked eyebrow.

Cookie laughed at Jan's question. "Jan, no! I'm sure he can't do that! He's got a small penis, I've seen it before, you know, when he… changes back. And besides, everyone knows that a small cock is always a small cock, no matter how you try to make it look bigger! What a question! You're terrible!" Cookie said as a delicious blush worked its way over her beautiful features.

"Will you ask?" Amanda asked, waggling her eyebrows suggestively, making her look oddly clown-like.

"I'll try to work it into the conversation." Cookie quirked her eyebrow back at her in a sarcastic manner.

"Thank you!" Amanda squealed enthusiastically.

"Yes, Cookie. Thank you." Jan nodded.

So Cookie continued not to date or have sex because she was waiting for a Sex God to come and awaken her passion, while her two roommates, Amanda and Jan, had a lot of sex both with each other and a lot of other humans, and with most of the supernatural creatures who would just pop up randomly on the property. The vampire roommate, in particular, was a slut, much to her maker's chagrin.

One day the doorbell rang and the only one around or alive to answer it was Cookie.

I bet it's someone looking to have sex with Jan or Amanda, she thought as she swung open the door. She was surprised to see a short man with unfashionably long sideburns wearing stain-resistant khakis from Sears, moccasins, and a 1980s Journey concert t-shirt.

"Hi there." Cookie said breathlessly, her ample bosoms heaving with her exertion of having to run to the door.

"Hello, Ah am the Douchebag, a descendant of the long line of Douchebags who lived next door."

"Yes," agreed Cookie. Nervous, her words made little sense. Had her two roommates been home and/or alive, they would have ridiculed the girl. She wore her crazy 'you need to get away from me you disgusting douchebag' look on her face. "Yes, the next door Douchebags are quite long."

The Douchebag gave her a curious look and started to cry. Yes, he was missing testicles and he didn't seem to care who knew it.

"Oh, my! Was it something I said?"

"No, Ah just cry a lot and bemoan my existence."

"Really? Are you a telepath too?"

"No, Ah'm a vampire."

"No kidding! My roommate Jan is a vampire! Maybe you all went to the same vampire school!"

The Douchebag looked at Cookie in a condescending way. "That's not how it works. What is your name? Although," he laughed, "Ah could just call you Mah Secret Agenda."

Cookie gave her new neighbor a "What'chu talkin' 'bout, Willis?' look. "My name is Cookie Crackhouse. The Crackhouses are as long as the Douchebags. I mean our history here in France."

"Well, Cookie. Would you like to go on a date with me?"

"I can't think of anything I'd like less, but since I've never been on a date, I guess I will." She leaned over to vomit in the trash receptacle next to the hall entry table before continuing her conversation, "What shall we do?"

"How about Ah feed off you, we have sex, but it will leave you aching and wanting more since I suffer from a common genital problem called microphallus, then Ah'll die for the day while Ah leave you a list of errands you could take care of for me?"

Cookie wasn't sure that sounded like a good time, but she figured beggars couldn't be choosers. She was 24 and she wasn't getting any younger. One thing she was sure of though: She wasn't putting out without at least getting a meal out of it!

"What about my dinner?"

"Oh, we Douchebags got plenty to keep a woman's mouth busy."

"No! I want something to eat!"

"McDonald's Drive-Thru?"

"Let's go!"

A few minutes later Cookie found herself in a late model Cadillac listening to Kenny G. Trying to make conversation with her date, Cookie asked, "So did you listen to Kenny G when you were alive?"

The Douchebag cut his eyes to her and shook his head.

"I knew it!" Cookie replied excitedly." I always say, 'I'd have to be dead before you catch me willingly listening to Kenny G!"

The Douchebag started to cry again.

"Douchebag? Was it something I said?"

"Yes! Can you just be quiet? Please?"

So the remainder of the ride to McDonalds was made in silence. Finally they approached the drive thru entrance. The Douchebag pulled up to the speaker where a disembodied voice asked,

"Supe or human?"

"Supe," replied the Douchebag.

"Drive around."

The Douchebag and Cookie drove around to the window.

Suddenly Cookie looked up in disgust, "Pew! Does anyone else smell something really bad?" she asked. Wondering if it were possible for vampires to fart, she threw a look of disgust at the Douchebag. Deciding that she could not stay in a car with a vampire who farted in her presence, she opened the door and started walking home. The Douchebag pulled up beside her, asking her why she was leaving.

"I am leaving you Douchebag, because you stink. You are not even remotely as handsome a vampire as the one I saw the other night, the one who owns the bar in the next town. Besides, I'm sure that he doesn't fart around ladies. I wasn't even really all that hungry in the first place."

After she had walked about a mile, she heard a horn honking. She tried to ignore it but finally she turned to look. A dark-haired man with green eyes driving a truck pulled over.

"Hey, my name is Alpo. This here is my on and off again psychotic bitch of a girlfriend, Dottie. Do you need a lift?"

Cookie glanced into the truck. Alpo's girlfriend Dottie had some horrible asymmetrical haircut that was not only expensive but it was also pretentious and ugly. Besides that, the bitch was holding a Colt 45 and play-aiming it at Cookie.

"No thanks, mister. I'm good walking. Besides I can tell you're a Were and she's a shifter and you're both disgusting, vile creatures that ought to have been drowned at birth. Anyway, I'm almost home. You take care," she nodded politely as she kept walking away from the truck.

Alpo and his psycho bitch pulled away. Cookie stared to watch them go and was mighty relieved when they were gone.

After an hour and a half, she was finally home.

No sooner was she inside her house, and then her doorbell rang. Jumping up, she ran to check from behind the living room curtain because Jan and Amanda were constantly telling her to not just let anyone inside the house.

Looking out, Cookie bit her lower lip. She didn't know the man but he was sex-on-a-stick gorgeous. He was breath-taking, really, if she was being honest with herself. She continued to silently assess the ethereal male standing on her porch, he was at least six and a half feet tall, and he was as wide as the doorway. He had long flowing blond hair that reached down to his ass. Although it was dark and the lighting on the front porch wasn't the best, Cookie marveled at the man's incredible beauty. Practically salivating at his yumminess, Cookie went around to the front door and threw it open.

"Hi," she said. "Can I help you?"

"Hi, my name is Derek Southman. I am looking for Jan."

"Oh! You're a vampire!" exclaimed Cookie. "Are you looking to date Jan?" Cookie's eyes traveled all over Derek's huge, imposing perfect form. He wore black leather jeans that left nothing to the imagination. She could tell that, unlike all the other men she had encountered that day, he was very well-endowed with a huge member. His many muscles were practically bursting his t-shirt at the seams like the Incredible Hulk.

"No," he shook his head. "We used to be involved a long time ago. Now we are just friends. Although I could end her in seconds if she does not behave and cease her incessant mocking of me." His last sentence seemed oddly out of place, but Cookie, still lost in her lust-induced haze, merely smiled pleasantly at his statement.

"Oh, you don't say?" Sookie sighed happily, letting out a breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding. "Have you known each other long?"

"I turned Jan into a vampire." He smirked sexily, causing a new tingly sensation in Cookie's never-before-touched nether regions.

"Wow! Really?" she gasped, her bosoms once again heaving in her excitement.

"Yes, really." Derek the vampire looked at Cookie with his sapphire blue eyes and it was all Cookie could do not to melt into a puddle on the floor. "What is your name?"

"I'm Cookie Crackhouse."

"Well, Cookie Crackhouse, are you going to invite me in?"

"Won't you come in Mr. Southman?" Cookie invited as she opened the door. As Derek entered her home, he gave Cookie a panty-dropping smile. "Excuse me," she said as she quickly unzipped her slacks and allowed them to fall to the floor. Sighing happily at Derek, she stepped out of her pants and then her panties.

"Is Jan here?" Derek asked her after she handed him her panties and put on a fresh pair and then pulled her pants back on like nothing unusual had taken place.

Cookie realized she had no idea where either of her roommates were. But she figured if she told Derek Jan were there, he'd stay awhile to wait for her.

"Asleep," she replied. "Jan's asleep."

Derek raised an eyebrow in surprise. "That is strange. As a vampire, she should be awake now."

"She and Amanda, our other roommate, were up late having sex. I'm sure Jan is just real tired."

"Is that so? More likely, she is simply being lazy."

"Yep," Cookie replied.

"And what about you?" he asked, waggling his eyebrows suggestively.

"What about me?" Sookie felt her eyes open wide.

"Were you up late having sex?"

"Oh, no!" she shook her head. "I don't have sex, I'm a virgin. I don't even date."

"Would you like to?" he raised a single eyebrow in question.

"Have sex?" she asked, her heartbeat galloping in her chest. Boy-oh-boy, would she ever! She didn't know it was possible for a woman to want a man this much.

"No," he smirked. "I was referring to the dating, but you're free to answer either question."

"Are you asking me out?" she asked breathlessly.

"Well, it's only ten o'clock at night and I don't have to be anywhere for a few hours. I am a very important vampire around here, as very little can happen without my consent, so I am usually very busy. But I will make some time for you tonight. So, what would you like to do? Dinner?"

It was a rather long speech for such a sexy and important vampire to make and Cookie could sense that she should be excited that he was willing to spend some time with her.

"I ate already, Derek."

"We could watch a movie." He waggled his eyebrows suggestively once more.

"Yeah, we could." Cookie sighed with a smile.

Just as Cookie was putting the movie into her DVD player there was a knock at the door. Cookie walked to the door, opening it to once again find a crying Douchebag on her front porch.

"Oh Douchebag, what is the matter now?" Cookie asked sympathetically.

"Along with mah penis being smaller than a ground squirrel's, Ah have lost my favorite Izod Polo shirt. It was the most perfect shade of tan with dark green stripes. Now what am Ah to wear with my new Docker khakis?" he wailed bringing on a new round of tears. The Douchebag had no shame.

The Douchebag tried to lean into Cookie to cry on her shoulder when he was stopped by some sort of invisible force field covering her doorway. Cookie, realizing that she had not yet invited him to enter her house, asked him if he would like to come in.

"Yes, Ah would very much enjoy taking advantage of your hospitality and over-reaching backwoods country manners." He said as he crossed the threshold and walked into her living room, where he abruptly came face to chest with none other than a slightly more than displeased Derek Southman.

"Why don't you have a seat and I will go to the kitchen to see if I happen to have any of those artificial blood substitutes that I hear you vampires drink instead of draining unsuspecting humans now?"

"That would be very kind of you, Ms. Crackhouse. Ah could certainly use a warm Newblood right about now to help me calm my nerves."

"I too would like a warm drink if you are offering, Cookie. I happen to really enjoy AB+, if you have any." Derek said, raising his eyebrow in her direction.

Cookie giggled and said, "That's very interesting Mr. Southman, that just so happens to be my blood type. It's very rare you know. It is so rare that I once even had a doctor, I think his name was Dr. Ball, who told my friends that I didn't have a blood type after a bad car accident."

With that she giggled again, and after flipping her long blond hair over her should, she bounced her way into the kitchen to gather their refreshments.

While she was in the kitchen, the two males in the living room were having a tense, if somewhat heated, discussion.

"What are you doing here Douchebag? Do you not have someone else to bother with all of your incessant moaning and whining?" Derek asked, leaning down more than a foot so he could look his tear covered subordinate in the eye.

"Cookie is MINE. Ah saw her first. Ah have had her in my motor vehicle, if you understand my meaning." The Douchebag leered towards Derek, trying to impart that something of a sexual nature had taken place between himself and Cookie.

"I understand that you think that by driving her to the local fast food dealer, that you think that you have laid a claim to her, but I want you to understand that Cookie will be mine after tonight. We will be watching a movie after you leave, and she will not be able to resist my many charms… my large charms… Do you understand me, Douchebag?" Derek asked the Douchebag through his clenched teeth. "Besides, I am your superior, so I could simply command you to leave her alone if I so chose. But instead of doing that, I think that you should be taught a lesson. Get down on your knees and suck my cock like the woman you really are."

"Ah understand, but don't you think that it should be up to Cookie to choose which of us she will lie with? Ah feel like we had a major connection this evening sitting in the McDonalds drive thru line." the Douchebag said as he knelt down in front of Derek and began unbuttoning his pants.

As soon as Derek's pants were open, the Douchebag pulled out Derek's broadsword and began to polish it thoroughly. Once he was done running his hands up and down Derek's long, hard pulsating cock, he wrapped his feminine lips around the head and began sucking.

"Douchebag, you seem to enjoy that, it's almost like you have had ample practice on your knees before your betters." Derek smirked as he shot off his load down the Douchebag's throat. The Douchebag hastily wiped at the corners of his mouth as he stood up, adjusting his smaller than average lump in his boringly plain Dockers. He looked up in utter adoration at the far more superior specimen of masculinity, waiting for Derek to once again bestow his wisdom on him.

"Fine, we will leave it up to Cookie, but as I am definitely the better choice, I can assure you that she will not be choosing you," Derek said this as he readjusted his leather pants. "I think that you will find that you have other more pressing matters to attend to tonight that will force you to leave immediately, is that clear underling?"

Just as he said this to the Douchebag, Cookie came bouncing back into the room carrying two Newbloods, freshly warmed, and her own glass of sweet tea.

"Douchebag here has just remembered that he has a very important thing to get done tonight, so he will not be able to stay. Isn't that right, Douchebag?" Derek said to both Cookie and the Douchebag, pointedly looking at the Douchebag in the process.

"What? Oh yes, the thing. Ah am sorry Ms. Crackhouse, but I must depart for the evening."

"Oh, well that's really too bad. I had thought that you might be able to finally cheer up with the help of our company. We were just going to watch The Lost Boys on DVD, but I understand that you are busy. Maybe next time." Cookie said cheerfully.

"Ah would very much like that Ms. Crackhouse. Spending time with you—when you are not eating—is somewhat enjoyable. Just don't forget to make my calls for me tomorrow. Ah really need to replace my missing Izod polo shirt." He said, already starting to sniffle as he made his way to the front door, leaving both Derek and Cookie to wonder at his attachment to outdated clothing.

"Now, where were we before we were interrupted?" Cookie asked. She was rewarded with yet another of his world famous panty dropping smiles. She immediately dropped her pants, once more removing her panties and handing them to Derek. He gratefully took them, stuffing them into his pocket along with the other pair she had given him earlier. He watched her with a smirk of amusement as she raised her pants, sans panties this time.

"I believe that you were about to insert the movie so that the screams of the young teenagers would drown out the sounds of your pleasure as I give you multiple orgasms." Derek said, waggling his eyebrows at a stunned Cookie.

"But Derek, I told you that I was a virgin. I could not possibly have sex with you, I don't even know you."

"We can change that. I would very much enjoy tasting you Cookie, in many different ways. I will be gentle with you, and you will be screaming my name before the movie is over. I can promise you that."

"But I don't even know what to do. I have never even seen a man's… well, you know, a man's thing before. I have seen your bottom though, and I have to tell you that it is the most amazing bottom I have ever seen."

"I will show you mine if you will show me yours, Cookie." Derek said while swiveling his hips suggestively in her direction.

"Well, I have always wanted to be with a man, but since I am a telepath, I can't stand to listen to what they are thinking about my boobs or my butt. I suppose that since I can't hear your thoughts I might be all right. Sure, why not, you are a very handsome, smart, and important vampire after all." Cookie said, gaining a satisfied smirk from Derek with her decision.

"Very well then, put the movie in and come sit next to me. I will take good care of you, Lovely." Cookie blushed at the way that particular endearment rolled off Derek's tongue, but when she turned back to face the couch her breath caught in her throat. Sitting on her couch was a now exceedingly naked Derek Southman, and oh boy, did he look good naked.

Cookie was unable to fully form a coherent sentence, instead mumbling something that sounded like the garbled words of a static-filled radio station.

"I'm sorry, Cookie. Does it bother you to see me naked here in your living room?"

"Not really, but I am kinda confused. I didn't know that we were gonna watch the movie together, um, naked."

"I like to do everything I can naked. I am a Viking Sex God."

Cookie gulped audibly, making Derek chuckle at her innocence. But he also noticed that she never took her eyes off of his lap.

"See something you like, Cookie?" Derek smirked at her reaction, flaring his nostrils at the sudden influx of her warming scent.

"Well, I have never seen one before, but I think yours might be bigger than most."

"Yes well, it seems to do the trick." Derek said suggestively. He moved his hips slightly, causing his engorged member to sway gently, and laughed out loud at the sight of Cookie's eyes widening once again.

"Well, it is a gracious plenty, isn't it?" Cookie sighed.

Derek let out yet another loud guffaw, startling Cookie with its intensity. "A Gracious Plenty, yes, I like that. I think that I will call it that from now on, even though it makes my cock sound like it should be wrapped in a crocheted doily, not buried deep inside a woman. Yes, Gracious Plenty it is, I know my masculinity will not suffer at all. But I do think that we should keep it a 'private' matter for a while." Derek waggled his eyebrows at the cleverness of his well hidden innuendo.

"Well I'm glad you like it, Derek, otherwise I could call it your broadsword." Cookie said, but then she worriedly added, "Do you think it will all fit? Inside… you know, of me?"

"Oh yes, Cookie, I can guarantee that it will, and that you will enjoy it as well."

Cookie gasped at the confidence in his voice. All of this was new to her; it was almost too much for her to take in. Her body felt like it was slowly being consumed by the blush he had brought on with his words, not to mention the return of the tingling sensation in her rapidly moistening pants.

"Oh Cookie, I can smell your arousal. You smell so sweet. Would you allow me to touch you, Cookie?"

"Um, yeah. Should I touch you too, Derek?" Cookie said shyly, looking up at him from underneath her fluttering eyelashes.

"I would love it if you would touch me, but first, I want to see you Cookie, all of you. You are wearing entirely too many clothes for my liking right now." And with that, Derek began to seductively run his large hands under the waistline of Cookie's jeans.

Before she knew what was happening. Derek had removed her jeans, and was already kissing up the inside of her calf. She sighed, feeling little tremors of anticipation traveling from each spot his lips landed straight to her melting core. Here she was, about to lose her virginity to the most awesome, incredible immortal being ever! Cookie could scarcely believe it. Derek's kisses continued to travel upwards, stopping just short of where Cookie instinctively knew she wanted his mouth to be. He nuzzled his nose into her inner thigh, just below her groin, and darted his tongue out to taste her flesh.

"Right here, right where I am, is one of the most erotic places for a vampire to feed. The moment I slide my fangs into the artery, you will reach a climax unrivaled by mere sex alone." Derek said seductively, all the while tracing his fingertips around her lower lips. "It just so happens to be my favorite spot. Would you mind if I were to take a little nip tonight? I promise it won't hurt you, and I don't need much; just a sip will do it."

"Yes, yes, yes! Derek! Oh my God! Yes!" Cookie replied enthusiastically.

His incredibly large, erotic hands were barely grazing her passion-swollen flesh, but every tantalizing bit of contact was pure torture for Cookie, who kept moving her hips, trying to entice Derek to really touch her. She wanted him to stop playing with her, she wanted him to run his fingers through her glistening folds, and to bring her the pleasure that she knew only he could give her. As he trailed his fingers lightly along her slit, he ran his tongue from the spot on her thigh straight to her trembling bundle of nerves, causing Cookie to scream in pleasure at the unexpected contact.

Within seconds, her noises became moans. "Oh, Derek, Derek, Derek…" Her hips began jerking and grinding into Derek's mouth and her hands found their way to his head. She wound her fingers in his silken hair at the same time he lifted one of his hands to place on her stomach, holding her in place.

"I will not be able to bring you too much pleasure Cookie, if you will not hold still, though I am glad that you are reacting so enthusiastically."

"Oh Derek, you have such an incredibly talented tongue. Please don't stop. I'll keep docile and still. I know you only want what is best for me. Please don't stop."

"Your wish is my command, Lovely." Derek said as he returned to his previous ministrations. He continued to lick and suck at Cookie's swollen clit, circling his tongue around it before quickly dipping it into her center, causing her to cry out once more. Derek growled upon hearing Cookie's sounds of pleasure, adding a pleasant vibration to what he was doing.

"More Derek, please… more… more…more…ugh!" Cookie moaned.

As Derek started to feel her walls tightening ever so slightly and the small tremors beginning to take over her body, he removed his tongue and inserted a finger into her dripping core. "Look at me Lovely," he commanded her sensuously. Cookie immediately complied and he slowly began pumping it in and out of her, drawing her juices out with every pull of his finger. "Come for me, Cookie. Come for me." He set about tonguing her clit once more, lapping at the sweet honey that surrounded his finger.

He inserted a second finger, and it apparently was overwhelming to the girl as he was instantly rewarded with shudders racking her body. He turned his head slightly, finding the warmth of her femoral artery, and slid his fangs into her satiny skin without her ever realizing a thing. It was when he took that first pull, that first glorious mouthful that he felt her walls clamp down on his still moving fingers as he watched Cookie fall apart above him.

It was simply the most glorious sight he had ever seen. Add to that the breathy "Derek" that she had uttered on reaching her climax and the amazing taste of her blood, and Derek knew that he would never be satisfied until she belonged to him completely and in every way possible. He decided then and there that the Douchebag would never get a chance with Cookie. Nor would any other creature Derek had the authority to banish or the might to conquer.

A couple of hours later, the vampire and the telepath were sitting comfortably on Cookie's well-worn couch. Both had a satisfied look on their face and neither had seen more than a second or two of the movie whose credits were currently rolling across the screen.

AN: Hmmm. LOL. Eric likes slash. I think I may have Eric beta all my fics from now on.

Next Up: I have no fucking idea.

Thanks for reading/reviewing!