Chapter 11
The last couple weeks hadn't gone so well. I hadn't spoken to Rachel once since the kiss but I knew she wasn't with Finn anymore and Quinn was with Finn again since he knew about the baby now and so did her parents. They kicked her out and she was living with him and his family.
I hadn't really seen Rachel around. She wasn't at school very much anymore. I wanted to reach out to her but what was the point? She made it clear she didn't want me in her life. And that hurt too much when I put myself out there with her and all she did was turn me away.
And being turn down by Rachel Berry was like being turned away by the only thing that would ever make you fall in love with every time it smiled.
RACHEL POV
I sat in my room alone for more times then I could count this week. I felt lonely and stupid. I had gone back to Finn when there was Sam sitting there waiting for me all along. And I will never admit this to Sam, but Finn didn't pick me up that night after Sam left. Luckily I got a ride from my mom. 2 hours later that is. I knew I should've called Sam but it hurt to see what he was telling me was happening. He knew Finn was a jerk, but I was hypnotized by my first love.
And I was haunted by the kiss I gave Sam. I knew it was wrong, but I did it. And I have no idea why. I was upset, confused, scared, but was that the true reason? I felt myself drawn to him, like an electric pull. I didn't know what I felt for him but I knew it was strong. I tell myself it's our friendship because partly it is. But its also so much more then that.
I got out of bed and told myself I needed to get it over with and go through the day. I dressed myself in a simple white blouse, grey tulip skirt and red pumps. I then put on some light makeup and left my curls in waves. I drove to school and saw Finn and Quinn sitting on a bench together holding hands and it broke my heart. Sure I felt bad for Quinn but she was such a jerk. It was her fault I was going through all this. Well, not all of it but the most recent stuff. Sam was on her side and so was Finn. Leaving me alone. Which seemed to be a common theme lately.
I walked inside and Sam was at his locker. Once he saw me he gave me a small nod of recognition but that was all. I knew he must be upset. One of the last things he had said was to not hurt him like I had before. I acted as if I didn't know what he was talking about but I did. Last time we kissed. I knew he was upset about how I kept saying friends. But the truth was that I was intentionally hinting at it. I wanted to make sure he understood that's all I wanted. I didn't know why exactly I was pushing him away but part of it was definitely that my feelings were scaring me. Just look at him, when I saw him I got a small heart attack. He made my heart skip a beat. He startled my heart with the feelings that I was infatuated by. That first day in Mrs. Hammond's health class when he talked about love is what started it all. His intense opinion on what I had always believed in. True love and finding your other half. It was magical really, finding the person who was made especially for you. The person who completes you.
I walked over to my locker and could feel Sam's gaze on me. I knew he may be upset with me but he wasn't the type to hold a grudge. He was a friend no matter what to me and I couldn't appreciate it more.
"You all right?" he asked. His voice was smooth and his sudden closeness brought chills. I shivered slightly and turned towards him, meeting his eyes.
"I guess. Listen, I thought about what you said and I'm sorry. It wasn't right, I was upset and I messed with your feelings." I apologized.
"So, nothing's changed then?" he asked.
"I'm sorry." I told him. He nodded and put his hand on his forehead in either frustration or because he was fighting off tears. That was the farthest thing from what I wanted to tell him. But I wasn't over Finn and I was afraid of what I felt when I was with Sam. I know it sounds stupid but the feelings were overwhelming and uncontrollable. Nothing I was used to.
"Then I have to say goodbye to you." He said in a whisper and his voice low and husky. Goodbye? I knew what I had told him implied this but I didn't want to leave him, ever. But I couldn't hurt him anymore, so all I did was nod in agreement. I knew if I spoke all that would come out would be that he couldn't leave me and I needed him. But knowing that would probably hurt him more, I kept my mouth shut.
"But just so you know, it's not because I'm giving up. It's because I've never wanted something more then you. And it hurts too much to keep living this way. And if you were ever to tell me you wanted me, I would be there in a heartbeat." He told me and I felt the tears in my eyes as they fell down my cheeks.
"Sam—" I started but he taking my hand in his cut me off. Feeling the electricity that shot through me and the warmth of his skin took away my voice.
"Do you remember the first time we meet? The first things we said to each other? You told me that I was insightful and poetic. You said you wish Finn were more like me. I told you that you seemed so emotional; I told you that you felt things 10 times more then everyone else. You told me that I got you dead on. Maybe you forget but I don't. I remember, Rachel. I remember for a reason. And that reason is you."
I cried throughout his speech. Because it made it so much harder to leave him behind. But how could I stay? These feelings were too much for me to handle. I couldn't do it. I needed something comfortable and casual. Not something that made my head spin. But Sam Evans wasn't an easy person to say goodbye to. He was the most difficult.