Somewhere Only We Know Chapter 14: Angel & Remembering, a glee fanfic

Chapter 14

Today was the day of the funeral. I had tried avoiding this for an entire week but it was time to say a final goodbye to my mother. The police officer had given us details on her death. She had hung herself. Just hearing how she had done it made it hurt so much more. Because it made it more real. My mother had also left me a note. The note brought me to tears instantly and by the end I was sobbing.

Dear Sam,

Firstly, I am so sorry that I wasn't able to be strong enough for Stevie, Stacy and yourself. I wanted to be, you must believe that. But I lost the will to continue on in life. Don't ever think this is your own fault. Because you and your brother and sister were the only thing I loved. Don't ever forget that I love you and someday I'll see you again. I remember when you were born and how happy and beautiful you were. And once things went south with your father you became my angel. You kept me going for the longest time and I want you to remember that too.

And now I know that you can be without me. You are a wonderful young man and I know that your future will be much brighter then mine was. And the matter of Rachel. Once things work out, which they will, and you are older and completely in love with each other, give her my blessing. I wish you happiness and as I've said before remember that I love you with all my heart. Someday we'll meet again.

With all my love,

Mom

It felt too short. If that's all i had left of her I wanted more then that. It wasn't enough to remember just that. I wanted a list of advice and things she would've said to me as I continued growing up. Things that everyone else's mother would tell them at a certain point in life. But I would never have it because my mother killed herself. And apparently I wasn't enough to keep her alive.

So here I am in a black suit getting ready to enter the church. Instead of saying a speech I was singing because lately singing meant so much more then words. I walked inside the church and saw my dad by the front door to the church holding Stacy's hand in one and Stevie's in the other. He had really turned his life around and was acting like the father he was supposed to be. We had actually bonded a lot over the last couple days. He felt terrible and he had apologized to us many times.

"Sam." He said once he saw me. I nodded at him and Stacy held her hand out to me. I took it and we entered together and sat down in the first row. The sermon came up and described my mother a little bit and talked about her death. I really wasn't listening, my mind was elsewhere. While he was recounting memories of her, I was thinking of my own. Mostly the happy times and sometimes the sad. My mother had been my best friend. She understood me and I always thought of her as the person who would never leave. But it seemed like everyone did. Even my own mother. Being away from school all week no one knew except for Quinn. She had been an amazing friend and she was even at the funeral with Finn's family. I would've objected but apparently Finn's mother had befriended my mother. Well not exactly but she was the only one outside our family who knew of her depression. Finn's mother was actually a very kind woman and she had been trying to help my mom through the church by inviting her to lady's events and such. But my mother always declined.

Next my father went up to the stage and even though he had left my mom, I knew he always thought they would stay together. And he clearly didn't know of her depression.

"Angela was the most giving woman I have ever met. When I wasn't being all that I should've been to her, she was raising our children on her own. If she had let the pain of everything that was going on get to her and affect her children then things would be much different today. She was a mother first and she truly was an amazing woman. I should never have let her get away from me." My father said but by the end he was in tears and sitting back down beside me.

"Thank you Shawn. Now we are going to hear from Sam Evans, son of Angela." The sermon said. I stood up and went to the front of the church. I nodded to the pianist and he began.

"Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There's always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there

So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
And the storm keeps on twisting
You keep on building the lie
That you make up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference
Escaping one last time
It's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

I finished and I felt tears trying to fall from my eyes. Not today, I thought to myself. Today I was going to enjoy the memory of my mother. And the painful goodbye would have to wait.

The song I had sung was referring to her calling me her angel. Except now her angel was up there and she was without worries and pain. People would probably be surprised by how spiritual and religious she really was. Truly she loved the idea of life that the bible talked about. And maybe that's what hurt her. That life wasn't turning out the way everyone said it would.

"Now we hear from Stevie and Stacy Evans. Son and daughter of Angela." The sermon introduced. Then Stevie and Stacy stood together and walked hand in hand to the stage. They un-crumpled the paper with their speech written on it and they were both crying silently.

"My mommy was the best mommy in the whole world because she was always working hard and she was proud of me no matter what. I love her so much and I know she loves me too even if she's in heaven." Stevie said. I wanted to cry too just from hearing that. Then little Stacy cleared her throat and took the paper from Stevie.

"My mommy was the best mommy in the whole world because she was good at cooking and baking, she played with me even if she was tired or sad and she always told me she loved me. My mommy was the most nicest, prettiest and caring people I ever met. And I will miss her forever." Stacy said. Her voice was the most adorable thing and she looked so serious. They had both written their speeches together by themselves and it was much more original and genuine that way. Then I saw them join hands again and hug each other, both of them sobbing.

I couldn't take this anymore. The tears from my younger brother and sister. Even my father. I stood up and left the church and went into its foyer. I stood there and felt the tears finally escaping. Then Quinn came out.

"Oh, Sam." She said as she rushed towards me. "I'm so sorry."

"She, I, they're so…" I was at a loss for words. Then Finn came out and looked me over shocked as to what he was seeing. I must be a mess.

"I'm sorry, man. I know you hate me and everything but I am truly sorry. When you need a guy to hang out with, I'm here." He said genuinely. And in that moment I didn't care that he hurt my beautiful Rachel. I would definitely take him up on that.

"Thank you, I've got to go." I said. I felt a need to go to the place by the river. Where there were no worries and it was just I in the world. I walked out leaving Finn and Quinn speechless and hopped into my truck.

Yes, that's where I would go. And in that moment, the place by the river seemed to solve all my problems. For now.