Chapter eight

Conal sat next to Brendan just looking at him, every part of him. He noticed that there was something different, maybe it wasn't visible to the naked, untrained eye but there was something. Brendan had lost something much more than just the use of the right side of his body, he had lost his drive, determination, power and presence on the world. He no longer cared if he was dead or alive, liked or hated, he lay motionless all day every day until he was forcibly moved from the bed. Conal did his best to maintain spirits, he just wanted the old Brendan back but he knew, like Brendan, if he didn't have the surgery soon he was going to deteriorate even more. The changes were already clear.

Brendan was Conal's first love. He meant the world to him and they did everything together. Brendan amazed him right from the beginning with his sheer determination and forceful nature, but it had become softer and settled as they grew closer and Brendan made him feel special, appreciated and understood. He wasn't about to let him slip through his fingers so easily; he promised himself that he would never let any man get the better of him and Brendan was no exception.

"Bren, Brendan you awake?" (He softly stroked his face in an attempt to wake him up)

"What you want Conal – I'm trying to sleep!" (He tried to pull the covers up over his face but it was difficult and didn't achieve the desired result)

"We need to talk."

"Ugh – Conal just in case it has slipped your mind I'm not really in the mood." (He turned back to face the window)

"I don't want to be fobbed off anymore Brendan we don't have much time."

"Fine, but you ain't going to change my mind!"

"I love you Brendan and I don't want you to die." (He leaned forward and grasped Brendan's hand)

At that moment a glimmer of emotion crossed Brendan's face. He had heard those words before and yet they meant nothing to him now, he was numb to Conal's attempts of saving him.

"Conal…" (His voice took the tone of resignation)

"Don't! Don't say a single thing, I can't be dealing with this it's too much!" (He was practically shouting down to Brendan who looked frightened)

"I'm sorry."

"No Brendan I'm sorry, sorry you are going to remove such an asset to the world." (He stared into Brendan's sad and lost eyes and left)

Later that day….

Ste had been at work all day and was looking forward to a quiet night in with Noah. He was tired and wasn't really looking where he was going…

"Oh I'm sorry I didn't see you… Conal?"

"Oh hi Ste." (His eyes were misty and his face was red)

"Are you ok?"

"No it's Brendan… we had a fight and I left him."

"What?" (Ste's anger was slowly building up)

"He's making a mistake and I can't watch him do this to himself!" (His face turned cold and angry)

"I can't believe you would do that to him!" (His voice was quiet almost like it was supposed to be a thought in his head)

"What do you mean- he's not thinking about me, what about what I need?

"You are the most selfish, self-centred, arrogant and callus man I have ever met! And I hope that Brendan sees the light and thanks the lord that you have left him, because anyone who leaves their seriously ill boyfriend to die because they can't deal with their own emotions doesn't deserve them in the first place!"

Conal was speechless. He tried to think of a comeback but he knew that everything Ste had just said was one hundred percent right. He knew that what he had just done was unforgivable and that Brendan was better off without him.

"I can't be with him." (His face was like stone)

"Then tell him, he is going to die with this on his shoulders – thinking it is his fault if you don't!"

"Yeah your right, I'll go to see him." (He walked away)

Conal arrived at the hospital after spending three hours thinking about what Ste had said. He thought about all the times that he and Brendan had been intimate with each other and he realised that the way Brendan had loved him was careful, considerate, like he had something to prove. He realised Brendan didn't love him. He merely cared for him and that wasn't the same thing.

Brendan was lying in the corner looking as if he had been crying. He was staring out of the window at some children crossing the road, they were laughing, something Brendan hadn't done in a while and it made him long for his own children even more. He had told Eileen that he didn't want them visiting him in this state and that he would only allow it if the worst was upon him – and it was.

Conal approached Brendan with caution as he knew this could go one of two ways. One Brendan could breakdown and tell him that his life isn't worth living without him at his side, or two the most likely option, he would be so angry at Conal for leaving him in his time of need that never wants to see his face again.

"Brendan...?"

"Mmm" (He didn't flinch one bit from his glare out of the window)

"I came to apologise, I am so sorry."

Brendan turned round to face Conal and looked deep into his emerald green eyes, they always did attract him, even now.

"Go on…"

"We both know deep down that I am not the one you want." (Brendan's face looked guilty as Conal continued) "You want Ste don't you?"

Brendan raised himself slightly from the bed, straightened his neck and looked deeply at Conal; it was almost like he was preparing to deliver an extremely important speech.

"I loved you once." (His eyes were deep and full of confession)

"When did you stop?"

"I don't remember."

"Did you ever start?"

Brendan's face lit up with a mixture of emotions consisting of guilt, compassion, hatred, fondness, anger and kindness however love was not present, and it never was and never will be.

"No."

Conal looked at the floor to hide his emotions.

"I'm sorry Conal."

"Brendan, I love you and I always will deep in my soul but we both know that unrequited love never works so I think this is for the best." (He got up and leaned into Brendan, kissed him on the forehead and gently rubbed his shoulder. Then he whispered into his ear.) "Goodbye, I will never forget you."

Conal lifted himself from the bed as Brendan pulled him closer and whispered back…

"Neither will I." (Conal left, eyes straight all the way)