Disclaimer: I own nothing! ... And just in case you did not catch it in my note in the last chapter, this is a completely different AU from the last one. Okay, that's all.
2. Love
April 30, 2011 - 6:23:07 AM EST
It's only until he reaches the large ravine that Alfred realizes that the Atomic Death Ray(tm) had taken away his ability to fly. 'Damn-it!' our Hero thinks. What's a clever, cunning, awesomely smart and hot man of his caliber supposed to do now! Katy Perry and Abe Lincoln were on that train headed towards their doom! Sure Alfred had his super strength but that would do him no good when he was left ON THE OTHER SIDE. Was this the end?
Knock! Knock knock knock!
Would all be lost? Would the orphans go hungry and Dr. Nefarious go on being evil and stealing candy from children and kicking small puppies? And would Katy Perry forgive him for not saving her? Sure they had that secret spy duo relationship on the side but doesn't that only last until you screw up?
Knock! Bam! Knock knock knock!
But in a sudden fit of brilliance, Alfred saw that, indeed, he still had his Rocket Powered Jesus Shoes on and that all wasn't quite lost! With a running start Alfred heroically bounded off the ledge, sending himself flying on a crash collision with the 5,872 car train! He would make it! He would save the day and end up-
Slam! Bam! Pound! Knock knock! KNOCK!
Alfred bolted upright from his rather heroic and daring slumber with a loud groan that would probably match the one his apartment door would make; if it had actual feelings and could talk, that is. His sheets were tangled all around his body and it looked as though he had thrown one of his pillows and broken that picture of him and Mattie skiing in Vancouver... again. From the looks of things it had been another eventful night of battling artificial evil in his dreams. Damn, he needed to stop watching so many spy movies and playing too many video games...
Or better yet, he needed to get laid... but that was neither here nor there.
KNOCK KNOCK! KICK!
... Or maybe it was and opportunity was literally a-knocking. Haha, see what he did there... No? Ugh. It was way too early for this. He needed to remind himself to ignore opportunities this early on a Saturday.
Alfred shuffled out of bed and onto warm, heated hardwoods floors- something he had insisted upon having because, let's face it, nobody wants to wake up and step on ice. That's like torture. Who would want cold hardwood? You wake up feeling all toasty and then BAM! you're freezing and you feel worse for wear than anything. It just did make any sense... Perhaps he should have insisted upon getting a maid as well. Alfred glanced around and numerous piles of clothes laid out. It took a few moments to actually find a pair of boxers and sweat pants that weren't completely wrinkled or stained.
Alfred made it a habit to put on clothes when he woke up because the last time he answered the door naked it was some poor twelve-year-old girl scout. The worst part wasn't the fact that her mom threatened to call the police and the whole building thought him some sort of pervert for a month before he could clear his good name. No, the worst part was that the lady wouldn't accept his damned cookie order! What the hell? Where was he supposed to get his thin-mints now?
KNOCK! Knock knock knock knock knock!
Oh... The door. Alfred needed to stay focused. This was obviously a life or death matter. This was such an important face to face conversation that this person needed him up and out of bed before eleven. So it was crucial that he'd reach the door in a timely manner and-... How in the Hell did his glasses end up on the ceiling fan?
Alfred stopped and just admired the pair of spectacles, with a sort of curiosity you'd expect from a kindergartener, for a few moments before he reached up and grabbed them. Alfred tried not to question these things. If his brain got to it, he'd only end up freaking himself out. Why would there be ghosts in a fairly new apartment complex and-
Slam! Kick kick kick! Bang!
The knocking got louder as Alfred had exited his bedroom and made his way down the hall. In a quick decision that was made out of his own selfish desires, Alfred decided that whoever it was needed him so badly that they waited this long for him to get to the door and that they could wait an extra five minutes for him to put on a fresh pot of coffee, because, really, it was sooooo early. They deserved to wait. No good ever came from waking up early. Early bird gets the worm? Pshhhhhhh. Sure, that may be true, but he's probably dying half-way through the day for a nap and will eventually have a heart-attack from all the caffeine he ingests to keep himself awake.
Wow, that's a little morbid for the morning. But all thoughts and any regrets that Alfred had about getting out of bed this early instantly vanished as he opened up the door.
Strong, well-sculpted, long legs, barely covered by anything except a pair pair of black, scrawny (probably silk by the looks of 'em) boxers, stood there attached to probably the finest ass in the building (Alfred knew, he scoped these sorts of things out... Come on, he was a guy in his twenties. Give him a break). Just the right amount curve to his hips protruding from a small waist-line that lead up a taut torso that Alfred found disappointedly covered by an almost-too-large olive green shirt.
If God were to take human form, it would certainly be the British beauty of a next-door-neighbor that Alfred oogled any chance he could get; Arthur Kirkland. Okay, so he may have been a little over-exaggerating some things. That man wasn't perfect (look at his eyebrows and that silly haircut) but damn, did he make it look something close to it.
Before Alfred had a chance to admire his neighbor any longer, something large, warm and fuzzy was thrusted into his arms. Upon further inspection Alfred would have realized it was a cat. His cat, to be more specific. Huh.
"Do you know how utterly ridiculous it is, having to wake up this early to take care of a creature that imposes on my own home and doesn't even belong to me? Do you have any idea?"
Angry, annoyed English accents are still sexy. Alfred didn't care if that frustration was totally linked to him, it was still a great, smooth sounding tone that Alfred wished would instead whisper dirty things into his ears... or read him a bed-time story; either one was really appealing.
"This has really got to stop. I can't believe you've actually let that... that thing out again."
Alfred yawned in an over dramatic fashion and blinked blurredly. Grumpy, grumpy, grumpy. Rawr, rawr, rawr, nag, nag, nag. That's all the sunny blond was able to hear and translate this early and this suddenly. The other blond really needed to slow down.
"Whaugh?"
"I've always wondered if you were literate." Arthur folded his arms across his chest defensively and rolled his eyes.
"I...no coffee..." Alfred yawned once more. He really couldn't function without that stuff, especially this early, but that was already said on numerous occasions. And just because the Brit was hot didn't mean Alfred wasn't going to play this up and not be a complete ass. Besides, Arthur was often one first so, really it would equal out in the end. "So... Whauughhhh... Ugh. Wow. Hello there random yawn... and morning breath. Ew... So, uh, what were you saying about how unbelievable Burgers is?"
Alfred hadn't really noted it before,possible because the expression was more than likely permanent one, but the scowl that Arthur wore, if possible, deepened. "You've let that animal out again." he sniffed.
"Considering I've a cat door and leave the windows open so he can use the fire-escape for that sole purpose... Good observation!" Alfred grinned and scratched the mainly white ball of fuzz that was situated in his arms, all incoherency being willed away quickly. "Burgers loves to explore and he's pretty much an outdoor cat anyways. Our landlord said that as long as he doesn't get fleas, we're in the clear... That and if Burgers gets hit by a car for laying in the middle of the street, he's not liable, but that has really nothing to do with anything... So...?"
"So? You know very well that that mangy creature loves nothing more than to break into my apartment and... and harass Crumpets!"
"He's just visiting. He visits all the kitties around the complex. He's a social butterfly and Crumpets is all cooped up and alone; Burgers probably just wants to make sure the poor thing doesn't go stir-crazy or something."
"At six in the morning? You think it's acceptable for him to 'visit' at this hour?"
"Well, you're visiting me right now."
"I'm returning that monster!"
"He's just a big kitten, really. He means no harm and most of it is fluff anyway. Really, he's not that big. And I don't really see how it's an issue since you already have a cat. It's not like you're allergic or something. I feed him lots, so he shouldn't be stealing all of that pricey, gourmet, canned, junk that you feed Crumpets. Besides, I mostly feed him table scraps and he likes them better than most things. Unless he's tearing up your carpets or quilts or drapes or doilies or whatever old lady things you have- which he's not (he has a more than a few scratch posts)- I just don't see how it's a problem."
Arthur was quiet for the next few moments and did one of those crazy 'I'm speechless, yet I have so much to yell at you' sort of mouth open and closed gestures. You know, the kind where you bring your hand up to your face and put it over your mouth, but don't leave it there for very long and you sorta touch your face all over, all the while opening and closing your mouth and mumbling incoherent little words and grunts before you start getting red in the face and end up really frustrated. He did one of those deals.
"I have a problem with Burgers sneaking into my apartment because whilst he is there, all he really does is take it upon himself to defile my precious Crumpets!"
Alfred almost laughed. Almost. He stopped himself half-way and it turned into something that sound like a coughed mixed with a choking sound and a snort. It probably wasn't the most attractive thing in the world but really, it was hard to keep a straight face among the current subject matter... Not to mention that both felines had names of foods and Alfred had all sorts of silly mental images with that.
"Uhm... Okay. Hmmm. Well how do I explain this to someone like you..." Alfred received a look that may or may not have taken a few years off of his life. "Okay. So when a mommy... or should I says mummy? Would that be more appropriate? So when a mummy and a daddy cat love each other very much, certain hormones kick in and say 'Hey, I want kittens.' and so forth. Then nature pretty much takes over and voila! And Crumpets and Burgers are in love, so..." Alfred supplied the last bit as if it were common knowledge that even the common passer-by in Manhattan would be able to give a short rant on how tragically, hopelessly, and beautifully in love the two cats were.
Again with that silly face-hand gesture. Seriously, Arthur needs a better way to channel his thoughts into words.
"Okay, no. No, that is not what is going on. Do you know why, Jones? Because Crumpets happens to be a boy. As in he is not female. As in he cannot produce. As in the only rationality of such a situation is that Burgers is assaulting him in some bizarre and unneeded claim of dominance and ownership over my apartment and-"
"Or Burgers just likes him. It's all in genetics and whatnot, anyway. I doubt he wants to extend his territory over to where you live. It's probably no fun at all, and all boring and filled with old man things and whatever. He likes my apartment just fine. He just needs your apartment because it has Crumpets and you're a meany and don't ever let him out. So he sneaks into your apartment out of love-"
"They are not in love!"
"Dude, don't be hatin'. Love is love."
"Crumpets does not love that thing you call a cat!"
"...Then you're saying that Crumpets is a floozy who lets random cats into his territory to mate with him?... Geez, I really hope he's not learning by example here. Simply for the fact that the walls can be very thin at times."
"I-I... what! No! That's... We're chatting about our cats and you're being rather crude, highly inappropriate and completely out of line! I assure you that Crumpets is no such thing. And neither am I for such a matter. I have not a single idea as to why Crumpets allows himself to be bullied into... letting himself be defiled by your cat, but I assure you he is nothing but the upmost and proper of felines. We're both gentlemen."
"He's not being bullied. Like I said, they probably want kittens. And well, I'll say it. Burgers is not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you buddy?" Alfred scratched at the ring of dark chocolate colored fur around his cat's neck affectionately. "I mean I found him left for dead in an alley when he was a kitten. So he probably didn't get enough milk when he was still developing and by the time I reached him, the damaged was done. So he's not quite... smart. He probably thinks Crumpets can have kittens. And Crumpets is a smart kitty, being a pure breed Scottish Fold and all. So he probably knows that Burgers need not mate with him, but hey, he probably likes all the attention and not being quite so proper all the time. You know?" Alfred winked.
" I-! You are-! You're despicable!... I-you- Keep your cat out of my apartment! I swear, if I find him there one more time I'm taking him straight to the shelter! You! Urgh!" Red face flushing, Arthur turned around and stopped down the hall and slammed his door.
Alfred sighed and shook his head while chuckling a bit. "He needs to relax more."
"Mrrrraaaooow."
Alfred looked down at Burgers and smiled. "You gotta lay off of Crumpets for a bit, kay? I know you like him lots but, Artie's getting pissy and all... Though great job on getting him down here before he even realized he was still in his night clothes. I think this calls for celebratory bacon for breakfast! You in?"
With another loud meow and what sounded like an engine revving, Burgers's ears perked up and he jumped from Alfred's arms in a flash and scurried back into the apartment.
Burgers may have loved Crumpets, but there was always a special place in his heart for bacon.
A/N: I do believe all of the endings of these things are going to be a cheesy statement that somehow regards the theme... or something like that.
In other news, I write all of my fics on my ipod touch because, sadly, I don't own a computer/laptop. So updates will take a bit of time, but it's okay, I'll be getting one eventually for college later this year.
I hope this one wasn't too crack-ish. Ehhhh. I really want to continue this AU as well because I have plenty of ideas... but I dunno. Burgers and Crumpets were named after a pick I saw on Tumblr. I thought they were adorable names for them. I also love Hero and Iggy for them as well.
I promise I can write a serious-esque fic. Honest. I'll write one eventually.
Oh! By the way, if you want a certain AU or situation to happen, just shout it out because, really, these themes are harder to write for than they seem. So perhaps I'll simply just do requests and themes... shhhhh. No one will know the difference. I'll pick whatever gives me inspiration, which is what I need now.
Sorry for the long Author's note. Siiiigh. Remember than comments and criticisms are always welcomed! So review! ... But it should be noted that I've no beta so I don't always catch errors.