Hey people!
This is a totally cracked parody that I thought of two years ago when we had done Julius Caesar in English class. I finally fought my lazy instincts and wrote it down.
This is Julius Caesar as you've never seen before. Don't ask how I brought Cleopatra in here. Just read...
Watch out for randomness!
Don't forget to review! This is the first time I'm writing a fanfic which is not of an Anime...
Anyway, Enjoy! :)
List of Characters
Julius Caesar
Calphurnia: Legal wife of Caesar
Portia: Wife of Brutus with hots for Caesar
Cleopatra: Queen of Egypt, girlfriend and ally of Caesar
Marcus Brutus: Senator of Italy
Gaius Cassius: Senator of Italy
Decius Brutus/ Coffee: Senator of Italy
Mark Antony: Caesar's faithful assistant
Marullus and Flavius: Officers
Gina: Cleopatra's best friend
Helen: Pet cobra of Cleopatra
Bongo: Pet duck of Portia
Act 1
Scene 1
Rome: A street
[Enter a Flavius and Marullus, a drunk man, a girl in hot pants and crowd of wild, out of control people, with drugs and drinks]
Flavius: Oh my god! Look at these filthy people! What the hell is going on?
Marullus: Why the hell are they having an ORGY in broad daylight? Did all the people's senses die along with Pompey?
Flavius: Dude, this is just INSANE! Now I know why that Jules-ass got elected as the President! He promised to legalize wild ORGIES!
Marullus: (To a drunk man beside him) Hey, doesn't your conscience tell you anything against indulging in such barbaric activities in broad daylight?
Drunk Man: Dude, its Caesar's 63rd B'day! Come and join the party!
Flavius: How can you take a leave for a pathetic reason like that? Where are the signs of your profession that ought to be on you on a working day?
Drunk Man: Uh…
Marullus: (Yells to everyone) How can you people be so vile? How can you forget our dear President Pompey who did so much for raising the standards of education in the country and celebrate the darn birthday of a fag!
Girl in hot pants: Hey, you two, why don't you get a life and mind your own business? President Caesar said that we can have orgies in the street.
Drunk Man: Yeah, why don't you just fuck off?
Flavius: You…
Girl in hot pants: (To the people) Hey people, these two dimwits are insulting our President. Let's beat the crap out of them.
(People cheer and begin to beat up Flavius and Marullus. They die)
People: Long live Caesar!
[Exeunt]
Scene 2
Plush hotel ground: JC's private B'day party
(Enter Julius Caesar, Calpurnia, Mark Antony, Brutus, Cassius, the rest of the useless senators, hot girls, hot dudes and belly dancers)
Caesar: Attention people!
Antony: Peace ho! Caesar wishes to speak. Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend your ears…
Caesar: (whispers to Mark Antony) Hey Mark, would you stop acting like an asstarded drama-king and actually let ME speak?
Antony: Yes boss.
Caesar: Thank you for being here at this beautiful occasion. (He lifts up his glass) Cheers!
People: Cheers!
Caesar: OK, who wants to check out my pink Rolls-Royce that my girl-, I mean ally sent me yesterday?
(People cheer)
[Exeunt everyone except Brutus and Cassius]
Cassius: Hey Bru, aren't you gonna see that Rolls-Royce?
Brutus: No.
Cassius: Why?
Brutus: None of your fucking business.
Cassius: Hey Bru bro, you've been acting emo lately. What's up?
Brutus: Get lost Cass!
Cassius: You know what, you shouldn't treat your friends like that. You don't treat JC like that.
Brutus: Hey, would you SHUT THE FUCK UP? I don't crush on JC, okay?
Cassius: Dude, I totally know that. But the way that geezer watches you…
Brutus: I know! It sucks! It creeps me out to death!
Cassius: Just imagine how your ancestors would feel if they saw you like this! You cannot let JC do this to you. Plus, he spends all his money in wild parties. At this rate, there won't be any money left for our salaries for doing absolutely nothing.
Brutus: You are so right man! If I don't get any salary, how will I prove my royalty? I have to wear purple nail polish as royal Romans are supposed to do that.
Cassius: Really dude? Nail polish?
Brutus: Yeah. I find purple robes boring so I wear nail polish.
Cassius: (freaked out) Riiiiggggghhhhtttt!
Brutus: So you got any ideas?
Cassius: Yeah. I'll see you at your garden at dawn.
[Exeunt]
Scene 3
[Enter Cleopatra with her pet cobra, Helen]
Cleopatra: OMG! Did you hear about that Helen? There is a sale at Gucci from tomorrow.
Helen: Hisssssss
Cleopatra: Yeah! Me too! I'm so excited! I will buy everything over there!
[Enter Cleopatra's friend Gina. She is very excited.]
Oh hey Gina! I was just talking to Hel-
Gina: Cleo you have to listen to this! You don't know what I just heard!
Cleopatra: Would you just calm down. Here have some champagne. (Pours champagne in a glass.]
Gina: [Sips] JC's cheating on you.
Cleopatra: What? You mean that old geezer?
Gina: Yup!
Cleopatra: Give me the details please, dear sister.
Gina: We are sisters?
Cleopatra: Just go with the flow, okay?
Helen: Hissssss
Gina: Uh... okay! JC had a birthday party yesterday and he was seen hanging out with many girls. And his wife and he apparently are not divorced yet like he promised.
Cleopatra: That son of a bitch!
Helen: Hissssss hiss hisss hissssss hisssssss hisss hsisss
Cleopatra: I know Hel! He's a darn asshole! (Stands up) C'mon Gina, we're going to Rome!
Gina: But Milan is so much better. I have to check out that new store beside-
Cleopatra: Just shut the hell up and start packing!
Gina: (sad) Hmmmm...
Cleopatra: Don't worry girl, we'll hop by Milan after I'm done in Rome.
Helen: Hisssss hisss
[Exeunt]
That's the end of Act 1. Act 2 is almost finished. I'll be posting it soon.
So, how do you like it?
Please Review. :) It feels great to get those.
see ya later! Bye for now!