Wavering Between Forgotten Lines
Naruto © Masashi Kishimoto
–Unforgettable Shadow
Hinata wiped at the remaining tears that ran down her face as she walked down the relatively empty streets of Konoha. It was still mid-afternoon; it was too early for the busy night life to begin, yet too late for the mid-day break that flooded the village's streets with food vendors. However, her mind was far from the cheerful smiles of the shop owners as she passed by the store. Sasuke's face kept recurring in her head, especially the painful expressed on his face when she accused him of hurting Naruto. Her heart throbbed at such a memory. Even Sasuke, the supposed bane of Konoha, did not deserve to be treated in the way the village had been treating him.
He told her about the dreams when he was in an unusually good mood. They were devastating, horrible things that Hinata did not wish to remember. She supposed that seeing his whole clan murdered, having his life ruined, and being alone all of the sudden would break something in Sasuke's soul. She mentally cursed herself for bringing up the fragile topic of Naruto. Despite what the majority of the village believed, it seemed as though Sasuke cared a great deal for Naruto. If he didn't care at all, he wouldn't have such a reaction to her words.
Yet, there was something he was definitely hiding. Once again, Hinata felt a dry sob join the painful lump in her throat. She knew her reasons for approaching the Uchiha were not completely pure. Ever since Sakura and Naruto had returned from their visit at Sasuke's compound, they never went back. Something awful had happened, she was sure of it – even more so when she overheard a heated argument between Naruto and the Hokage.
"See, I told you this would happen," Tsunade's voice sounded far from smug.
"We had to try," Naruto's voice was still trembling. "It didn't turn out the way I hoped."
"It was foolish!" Hinata could imagine the Hokage, her eyes blazing with fury. "This was a mad scheme to begin with. We should just extract his DNA and dispose of him."
"NO!" The door shuddered at the sheer force of Naruto's protest. "You can't just kill Sasuke, he can still change! You have to give him one more chance!"
"On what grounds?" Tsunade snapped. "You couldn't even hold in your own emotions. Those ANBU had to drag you back. The Sasuke you know doesn't exist anymore, face it boy!"
"No! You're wrong!" Hinata heard a tremor go through Naruto's usually confident voice. "It's not like that…"
"Then what?" Tsunade's rough voice seemed to soften. "You have already failed. Sasuke does not care for this village anymore. Just let it go."
"I can't," Naruto seemed to be in tears. "He's still in there, somewhere. There's just something I'm missing!"
"Enough!" Her voice broke, "I will not have you spend any more time with that traitor. I will not execute him, but you and Sakura will not be allowed to see him again. I only let you go because I thought that the boy you both believed in was still there, but apparently he is not. You will leave him be. This is not open for argument."
"Hai…" Naruto mumbled, all the fight gone out of him. Hinata's breath hitched at the sadness in his voice. She stole away in the darkness of the corridor and left the Hokage tower quietly.
Although she questioned them, Sakura and Naruto refused to tell her anything. From what she could gather from gossip, a friendly spar had turned into an all-out attack. Naruto obviously had the advantage, but somehow Sasuke had escaped relatively unscathed. She had never gotten close enough to see anything, but from Tsunade's examination the first day, she could see that there were only a few light bruises on his pale shoulders. Naruto had nary a scratch on him. The true wound seemed to lie in their hearts.
After spending a few weeks visiting Sasuke, she couldn't accept that the Uchiha was the cold and uncaring monster everyone said he was. He certainly wasn't warm and overtly friendly, but his disposition was not through a fault of his own. Few could empathize with the agony he had endured as a child.
And when he smiled, even a little, it made Hinata's heart feel like bursting.
But, in the end, she ended up treating him just like everyone else, like a monster. Even she who prided herself on her unwavering objectivity and sympathy had allowed herself to be subject to such binding prejudices. Hinata was sorely disappointed in herself and let the crushed feeling envelope her as she stumbled toward the Hyuga complex. There was nothing more that she could do, it would have to wait for another day. When she thought of it, her heart trembled. Would tomorrow be like the first day all over again? Her heart screamed when she thought of that lost and wearied look on Sasuke's face. She just wanted to make it all better, tape together his broken heartstrings, but at the same time, she wanted to run far, far away from pain that threatened to consume her. After all, Sasuke was stuck in the shadows, with no way to come out.
But she knew that no matter how much she bathed in the sunlight, no matter how much she indulged in Naruto's cheerful, cloudless skies, she would always be looking back to the darker places, to the place where a man with blood-red eyes stood.
She sighed as her head hit the pillow, a tear sliding down her cheek as she shifted over. Sasuke's angry glare had burned a hole in her and there was no way to fill it in. Turning over, she looked out at the windows at the stars that Sasuke seemed to like so much. Many times, she had seen him looking out the sky, as if seeing stars that weren't there. Now, she just wished that all the stars would disappear and leave her in peace. Each of the bright lights was an accusation of her uselessness.
Yet try as she might, sleep escaped her. She could not console herself. There really was no peace in the life of a ninja, all these complexities and rules. They always ended hurting the ones she loved most.
In the middle of the night, Sasuke woke. His chest was burning and his head felt like a ton of bricks. Quickly, he activated his Sharingan and the pain lessened. The thumping of his heart slowed as he realized where he was. Konoha. Uchiha complex. Situated in a relatively safe location in the village. No one was going to attack him here.
He was safe.
He muttered to himself as he lay down his head on the pillow again. The imprisonment was suffocating him. The loneliness was unbearable – he couldn't describe how much he looked forward to the Hyuga girl's appearance everyday. Just the presence of another person brightened up his mood, even if nothing showed on his impassive face. She was truly a reflection her name, sunshine. For the first time in years, Sasuke had felt at peace when he felt her presence in the room. Although he knew that she concealed ulterior motives, it was pushed to the back of his mind. Her little movements, gestures that were so childlike yet so graceful at the same time troubled him. Occasionally, he would have the urge to reach out and touch her pale skin to see if it was really as soft as it looked. He'd never had this type of feeling before; it was all very strange to him. There had never been any time for woman. It certainly didn't make him pure; he just never encountered this urge to connect with a woman in a way that didn't involve a bed. All he had ever wanted was a quick way to relieve stress. But with Hinata, it was a complete one-eighty; he wanted to talk about things with her, and when she told him about her day, it actually interested him. He sighed again, combing a tense hand through his hair. When she smiled, his heart felt like it was about to burst. It was a feeling not easily put into words.
However, it just made the previous events of the afternoon even worse. Without knowing, Sasuke had started to trust Hinata. She was understanding, thoughtful and innocent. Provided, it wouldn't make for a useful ninja, but that sort of job was not suited to her demure nature. He had all but forgotten how sensitive she was when the subject of Naruto was brought up. Whenever the blond dobe's name was mentioned, a sudden blush would cover her face and those well-managed stutters would reappear with a vengeance. She changed and became a completely different person than the calm and pleasant girl she showed to Sasuke. How he hated that effect Naruto had on her. It hadn't occurred to him until that moment that he was in serious trouble. He couldn't remember that last time he had wanted to be the reason behind a girl's smitten blushes. The reason was simple; he never had.
He wondered what would happen the next day. Obviously, apologies would be in order – especially his own; she did nothing wrong. Sasuke didn't know why he had such an intense reaction to her words. They weren't anything he hadn't heard before. "Ugh…" he rubbed his forehead, trying to straighten the furrows that seemed to be etched in there for all eternity. What was so special about that insignificant Hyuga that he even contemplated apologizing to her? Just thinking about it made his mouth go dry. This was Sasuke Uchiha; he did not make apologies for anything. Besides, strictly speaking, the Hyuga girl had offended him first. However, no matter what he tried to persuade himself to think, he knew that his reaction had been over the top. Her soft, aching sobs resounded in his mind. When was the last time someone had cried so pitifully, so regretfully for him? Damn it, he cursed himself. Why didn't I just go and apologize in the first place? Then I wouldn't be stuck in bed thinking about all these cursed things. His eyes snapped open as the thought passed through his head. Sasuke Uchiha was contemplating apologizing for something so painfully trivial! His aching pride threw itself at him, pushing down his earlier, remorseful thoughts. Tomorrow would come whether or not he fussed over it. This was a welcome relief from the turmoil that tumbled through him only seconds earlier.
Sighing, he tossed and turned in his bed, waiting for the sleep he knew would never come.
Hinata opened her eyes, the weak autumn sunshine dancing on her face. After a good five hours of fretting nervously and half-sobbing, she had finally fallen into a light sleep. She rubbed her face, feeling like stretched rubber. There was work at the hospital, and then…she tried to push it out of her mind. Just thinking about the inevitable confrontation made her light-headed. It would be so horribly awkward, as she mumbled excuses that were mostly lies and tried not to burst out in nervous tears. And she could not even imagine how Sasuke would react. Did he sleep well? Did he have nightmares again? Countless questions plagued her mind concerning his well-being. She felt like breaking to pieces, thinking about the suffering that went on under those unfathomable black eyes.
But after a night of thinking, she felt as if she was also in a position to reprimand him. After all, he had betrayed Konoha and was suspected of joining the Akatsuki. He had caused everyone in the village tremendous pain and exacted much too heavy a toll from the former Team 7. Nobody had even bothered to pretend that Sai had filled the gap; it was much too large, not to mention excessively weighty as well. Hinata had sat by Sakura when she spent countless nights weeping, and after the tears ran out, zoning out listlessly, eyes downcast and body limp. She had watched as Naruto exhausted himself far too much in training sessions, torturing his body until he was senseless, just so he would not have to feel the pain of abandonment. She had bit back a sob when Kakashi tried to comfort his ruins of a team when he himself seemed ready to break. Surely Sasuke deserved some punishment for that. Surely Sasuke deserved some iota of the pain he had caused others. Surely Sasuke deserved to suffer if not in the name of revenge, then in the name of justice. But why could Hinata not harden her heart to think so?
No matter what she said to herself, her heart still broke for Sasuke when she thought of his weary face, his broken soul, his lifeless words. Surely Sasuke had already endured all the punishment Fate had decided was fit for him to receive. But at the same time, Hinata wanted to slap him in the face and show him how he had destroyed his friends, the only ones in the world who cared for him. Yet how could she do that, when his obsidian black eyes would only swallow up her fury and leave sympathy in its wake?
"This is stupid," Hinata mumbled as she fell ungracefully out of her bed. Maybe she should just pretend to be sick and stay away from the Uchiha mansion for a day. A knock at her door shook her out of her thoughts.
"Hinata-sama," a voice she recognized as Neji's drawled, "It's already eight. You'll be late."
"O-okay," she replied quickly, hopping around the room with one shoe on and her purple jacket hanging from her shoulders. After gulping down a glass of water and forsaking breakfast, she zipped up her jacket and opened the door. Neji looked down at her unapprovingly.
"Hinata-sama," he sighed, "Your hair is barely combed and you look like you just fell out of your bed. Please at least make an effort to wake up earlier."
"Gomen, Neji," Hinata mumbled, "I had a bit of trouble sleeping."
"Is it something to do with the Uchiha?" His voice turned cold. Hinata winced; Neji never approved of her visiting Sasuke. He hated the village traitor with a passion.
"No…" she lied smoothly, "I'm just tired."
His eyes narrowed; she knew that he wasn't fooled, not even for a second. However, he relented and replied in a slightly gentler tone, "Don't wear yourself out too much, Hinata-sama. You have to take care of your body before treating other people."
"Yeah…" Hinata smiled gently at her cousin, "I'll be fine though, Neji. I have tomorrow off."
"And you have a date with Naruto this afternoon, am I right?" He seemed genuinely amused at the blush that covered her features. However, it was not for the reason that he or she had expected. Her date with Naruto! She had totally forgotten about it; the confrontation with Sasuke had occupied so much of her thought processes that a date with Naruto had slipped her mind! I'm really going crazy, she bit her lip nervously. What am I going to wear? What movie was it again? Did we even choose anything? I'm so stupid – I can't believe I forgot. A million things flooded her head at once.
Hinata looked up, seeing that Neji was smirking pleasantly. She frowned, making it look more like a pout than a sign of displeasure. He chuckled and shook his head. What an air-headed cousin he had!
"We should be going," he stated, seeing her eyes snap back into focus at those words. She nodded numbly, no doubt still in shock of her lapse in memory, following him as they made it through the wooden corridors of the Hyuga complex. They parted at the large main gate; Neji headed to the ANBU station and Hinata for the hospital.
After a hurried farewell, Hinata ran towards the hospital. Sakura would scold her again for being late! She rushed into the staff's locker rooms and quickly changed into the standard medic's uniform. It was off-white and form fitting, a far cry from the conservative jacket Hinata had always worn. Quickly, she swept up her black hair into a loose ponytail and half-ran to the front lobby to pick up her assignments. Shizune smiled at her from behind the counter.
"Hello, Hinata," the black-haired woman greeted her. "You're a bit late today."
"Gomen," Hinata replied apologetically. "I was just …"
"It's alright," Shizune interrupted her, "Most of the other medics come in hours late anyway. You're usually here even before eight, so one time is fine. Here's your assignment for today." She handed Hinata a clipboard with some color coded paper.
"A squad returned last night and they have some minor injuries; but they still need to be in the hospital. Just a few fractures and stuff like that. The patients in room 207 and 208 can be discharged today…"
Sasuke was pacing. He never paced. But now, he was, walking in fast, clipped steps around the second floor of the Uchiha complex. If he had gone any faster the wood would have caught on fire from the friction. The bright noon sun shone in through the windows, which he avoided carefully. It warmed up the room, but in the shadows near the wall, Sasuke felt unbearably cold. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. His hair must be utterly disheveled and rumpled by now; it was going to start falling in clumps if he kept up this incessant worrying. He sat down on the couch in the study room, where he had unintentionally wandered after deciding that lying in bed pretending to sleep wasn't a viable option. Numerous hypothetical situations ran through his head.
Should he just act like nothing ever happened? Then Hinata might get insulted and get the wrong opinion. Maybe he could just avoid the subject entirely and carry on like they were perfect strangers. Then she might be sad and feel guilty. A small voice in his mind whispered, softly prodded him. Maybe he could just apologize? His heart skipped a beat at the small request. Although it may seem insignificant to others, apologizing was definitely a big deal to the Uchiha. He had his pride to deal with; admitting that he did something wrong would definitely be a blow to his ego. Thoughtlessly, he looked outside the window, his teeth clenched when he saw a slight, purple-clothed girl walking uncertainly toward his compound. His eyes followed her as she stopped in front of the door, stopping as if deciding whether to enter or not. For a frightening moment, she turned around and he thought that she might walk away. But then she stopped and returned to the door, this time, opening it slowly and stepping in.
"S-sasuke-san?" His breath hitched at the slight stutter in her voice. She must be terrified. Not knowing how to answer, he simply walked out of the library and proceeded down the hallway. Sasuke heard Hinata moving up the wooden steps. Their eyes met when Hinata appeared at the top. After a moment, she ducked her head, a bright blush on her cheeks. Her fingers fidgeted where she let them hang. "H-hello…" she mumbled.
"Err…" he grasped at words, not knowing how to begin. All the fledgling preparations in his mind dissolved into a puddle. "About yesterday…"
"I'm so sorry!" She interrupted him sharply, her voice on the verge of breaking from nervousness, "I-I was too insensitive a-and…d-did you want to s-say something?" He looked at her with a bewildered expression. It just dawned on her that she had interrupted him; she had been too preoccupied with her own nervous thoughts to hear anything around her. She took a deep breath to calm down her trembling nerves. Sasuke felt a slight smile work its way onto his face. This girl had guts – more than he had, anyway. He cleared his throat uncertainly.
"It's quite alright, I let my temper get the best of me," he said smoothly, as if rehearsed, which it probably was. She looked at him in shock. Could that count as an apology of some sorts? Yes, Hinata's mind told her, it did. The pent up tension between them dissolved a bit. She still looked at him uncertainly, feeling a pang of guilt when she noticed the reappearance of dark circles of under his eyes and the disheveled hair. She hadn't been the only one who couldn't sleep. Somehow, this realization pleased her slightly, although she still felt the urge to put him to sleep. He was obviously tired, just as she was.
"The weather's nice," she said conversationally. A blush rose to her cheeks when he raised his eyebrows, as if saying, you can do better than that. "But you should go to bed, you look tired," it was definitely the medic in her talking.
Sasuke chuckled pleasantly, dispelling any of the leftover pressure between them. "I'm fine," replied he. "Sleep deprivation is quite common; it takes a lot more to kill me."
"But!" She protested, but gave up when she saw the truth behind his words. Besides, it would much more enjoyable having a nice, normal conversation with him. Maybe she could coax him into getting some rest after she left. "Have you eaten yet?"
"No," he said.
"I'll go make something," Hinata offered and started going down the steps, humming pleasantly to herself. "It'll take about half an hour."
"I'll help."
She looked at him in shock. A slight smile graced his pale, handsome features. "What, you don't want me intruding on my kitchen?" He put an emphasis on the word 'my'.
"N-no," she blinked; it was like looking at the sun. "But I can do it by myself…"
"I don't get to do anything anymore; I have to make myself feel useful." He continued, walking past her and down the steps. "I'll cut the vegetables or something so I don't ruin your cooking."
"Sasuke-san…" Hinata's eyes shined. So this Uchiha had such a charming side to him as well. He turned around again, treating her to another small smile.
"Call me Sasuke, no formalities."
"H-hai…" she mumbled, suddenly embarrassed. This strangely amiable Sasuke would take some time to get used to. She was glad that all her earlier worry was for naught; they both seemed to be quite glad to ignore the white elephant in the room and proceed. Shrugging off her worries, she followed him down the stairs, feeling extremely giddy all of the sudden. Maybe she really was going crazy.
She found him holding a kitchen knife when she entered the room.
"What should I butcher first?" He was amused when Hinata giggled in spite of herself. Opening the refrigerator, she handed him a squash and some bell peppers as well as a few other vegetables. She busied herself with cleaning out the frying pan and keeping an eye on the Uchiha. It was strange, seeing the so-called Avenger doing such a domesticated task like chopping vegetables. He met her stare, forcing her to drop her head and busy herself with the rice cooker. A small chuckle filled the space between them. Then there was the silence again, only broken by rhythmical chopping and beeping.
"Here," he handed her a plate of cut vegetables. She whispered her thanks and dropped them into the frying pan. He wandered outside the kitchen, sitting down on the tatami mat in the living room. The sound of cooking and the smell of food soon filled the air. He felt his eyes droop shut. It really had been a mentally tiring day. There were still plenty of unresolved issues, but he would be quite happy to continue ignoring them. However, there was still something at the back of mind, prodding him gently. A soft hand touched his shoulder. He jerked away, almost hitting Hinata before he realized it was her. She recovered from the initial shock, smiling gently and said, "Do you want to go and rest before you eat? I'll keep it warm for you."
"It's okay," he mumbled. "I'll just eat it first. I'm not really tired, anyway."
She disappeared into kitchen, returning with a two steaming plates of cooked vegetables and rice. Sitting down on the tatami mat, she placed the two plates on the table, one for him and one for her. Her sheepish smile told him that she probably hadn't eaten either. They both started to eat without a word. After a moment, she put down her chopsticks and cleared her throat nervously. He stopped, looking up at her inquisitively.
"I…um…" she murmured, "I have to go earlier today…so…"
Sasuke looked at her, confused. Then he remembered, she had a date with Naruto. Just that name struck a nerve in him. Stupid blond, getting in the way.
"Fine." Without a word, he continued eating. Hinata bit back a sigh; the dark-haired man was obviously displeased. She picked up her chopsticks, but her appetite had mysteriously disappeared with the reappearance of Sasuke's grumpy mood.
"I-I could stay," she gulped, not knowing what possessed her to speak. "I-if you want, of course."
He looked up at her, his black eyes threatening to devour her. Inside, Sasuke's heart felt hopeful at the possibility, and he toyed with the idea of making her stay, but he could see how much it would cost her. The blond idiot made her happy. Although his mood would be positively ruined, Sasuke didn't want to make Hinata stay with him purely out of pity.
"No, go to the movies. I'll be fine." He grunted, shifting his weight. "It's not as if I've never been alone, anyhow."
"W-well, you j-just never let anyone else get close," she gasped as the word flew out of her mouth unwarranted. Clasping a hand over her mouth, she began to apologize, not wanting a repeat performance of the day before. However, when he met her eyes, her fears abated. He wasn't angry as she had expected. In fact, his eyes seemed so lonely and lost that she felt her mind go blank.
"I know…" his voice trailed off. "They could never really relate to me."
"You never let them," Hinata ventured again, hoping her good luck would persist.
"It is quite difficult to do that," his forehead furrowed. "Most people don't get to see their family murdered."
"While that's true," Hinata felt herself gaining more confidence. This was pretty odd for her; she had always been such a quiet, unassuming girl. What had led her to speak like this? "There was Naruto. He's alone; just like you are. And besides, he was your friend. He really loved you, why would just leave him like that?" She knew her luck had run out when he cast his obsidian eyes downward, as if burning a hole into the ground. Naruto's name seemed to be taboo.
"He will never understand," Sasuke whispered ferociously. "There are things that I can never tell – and no one will ever know. There are things that he doesn't need to be told. He never had a family, he will never completely understand what I have lost." He directed his flaming eyes toward her, she could see that his Sharingan was activated, the three tomoe standing out in the bright red.
"You hurt him." Even softly said, she winced at the accusation in her voice.
"How do you know that? Oh, that's right, the tears must have given him away." He replied sarcastically, bitterness enhancing the effect. "Spineless coward."
"As if you have never cried." Her voice trembled with rage. She wanted to slap him, a thought that surprised her. Hinata had never felt this violent urge before. Why was Sasuke provoking all these odd emotions from her?
"Hyuga, you do not know my feelings." The way he said her last name was like a slap in the face. "Screamed, yes. Fight, yes. Agonize, yes. But cry? You belittle me."
"Emotion is not weakness," Hinata hissed, though she felt much more like crying. To tell the truth, she could not even believe in her own words, but she spoke with conviction. "Everyone has a time when they need to cry. I pity you, Sasuke, at least others had a shoulder to cry on. You had nothing because you pushed them all away." Yes, she was angry; more at herself than the man in front of her. Her argument held no weight. Any shoulder he would have found would have been insubstantial. Sasuke Uchiha was truly alone.
He looked away from her, indicating an end to the conversation. "Go on your little date, Hinata," his voice seemed slightly softer and gentler, "It seems you are more attached to your fox than I suspected."
Hinata nodded numbly, her mind going blank. She picked up her half-finished plate and deposited the contents into the wastebasket. After closing the door, she looked back at the mansion, the earlier conversation plaguing her mind. And she had such hopes for today; it had ended on a bad note again. Next time, she was determined to keep Naruto out of the conversation. Sasuke had enough shadows on his heart without her stepping on them and creating more.
Sasuke watched her as she left, taking one lingering look at her purple coat. He sighed, his temper really was getting the best of him. He tried to keep it down; but her presence made him feel much more vulnerable and emotional than he was used to. She was angry, he could see that. No doubt, Sakura had probably cried enough to fill an ocean and Naruto had tried to break himself to pieces when Sasuke had left. Hinata's accusation was only natural.
"I pity you, Sasuke, at least others had a shoulder to cry on. You had nothing because you pushed them all away."
Her voice resounded in his mind. She had been completely correct, he thought, being a loner was part of nature; but it was no excuse. However, if she ever offered that shoulder, he would never push it away. Instead, he would hold onto her tightly and never let her go. It was then that he knew that he was in much more trouble than he had ever suspected.
Author's Note: er…this one got quite long, though I don't think you'll be complaining. I had more planned, but it'll probably double the length of this, so that'll be the next chapter. Things will start to speed up and there'll definitely be more dialogue. Sasuke has to get out of his house arrest though; he can't talk to other people if they don't come to him. Please review!
moonhaku