Chapter 5 (Nori)

I feel Xavier in my mind and surrender to his familiar mental touch. I trail along behind him and watch the memories he pulls up. I see myself talking to Pyro and listening to Mesmero. There's something blurry about my memory of the day, even though it was only a few weeks ago (I think). Looking at it now, with Xavier, it looks wrong to me. Why did I go with them? I watch the days spent in the Brotherhood's farmhouse, see Mesmero asking me to help strengthen Sinister's power while Magneto watches approvingly. When we get to my memories of yesterday, when Sinister helps me find Jean Grey's mental signature and focus all of my strength on magnifying it, it's too much for me. I shriek and break my connection with Xavier. Dimly, I'm aware that I'm having a panic attack and that I should do something to stop it, but I can't think what. Or am I dying? I can't breathe. Yes, I think I'm dying. Xavier squeezes my hand and soothingly tells me to breathe. He talks me through several breath cycles.

Finally, I calm down and lie still. Logan asks, "Darlin', you all right?"

"I don't know." He gives a throaty laugh at that. "Logan, I miss you," I say.

"You don't have to miss me, darlin', I'm right here."

"Are you sure?"

"Pretty sure," he says, and he takes my other hand.

I smile at him, or at least, I move my lips. Then I close my eyes and rest for a moment. When I open my eyes again, Logan and Xavier are gone. I sit up and look around. My mom and Ken are sitting next to Aiko, sitting up and chatting in bed. Remy's asleep in a chair next to my bed.

Mom notices that I'm up and, delighted, she comes to my bedside and kisses my forehead.

In Japanese, she says, "Oh, Noriko, oh, I am so glad you are all right."

I'm not at all sure that I am all right, but I nod and tell her I love her.

She asks me what happened and I feel my chest tighten and my breathing speed up. Oh no, oh no, oh no. I launch into my second panic attack of the day and my dear mother scolds, "Noriko, you stop this! Stop this! You breathe, girl!"

The fuss wakes up Remy, who takes my hand but says nothing. My panicked empathic waves soon bring Xavier and Cecilia down to the medbay.

My mom looks guilty and I give her a small smile. "I guess—I guess I just can't—it's hard to talk about—things," I say after I finally catch my breath. "Things that happened."

"You don't have to talk about anything you do not wish to talk about," Xavier soothes.

Cecilia looks thoughtful and leaves the medbay. I sit quietly and try to harness all the mental energy available to me. Remy's still holding my hand. His face looks different. He looks… lost. I can't really blame him. Suddenly, I want out of bed. I carefully climb down and sit on Remy's lap, leaning back against his chest. He tightens his arms around my waist and I feel better, more tethered to the world. We sit together quietly until Cecilia and Hank come down to the medbay.

"Nori, how are you doing?" Hank asks.

I shrug.

He looks into my eyes. "Nori, can you tell me your last name?"

"LeBeau."

He gives me a relieved smile. "Good. And where are we?"

"Basement."

"Excellent. Now. It seems you have been having some… increased anxiety."

"Uh, yeah." Sometimes Hank can be hilariously obtuse.

"I'd like to prescribe some Ativan for you, for the short term. Are you familiar with that drug?"

I nod. I'd taken it a few times in my pre-mutant days for various anxiety problems. I've never had the best mental health, even before I became so attractive to so many nefarious individuals and organizations. He rattles off a list of side effects and hands me a pill. I take it without complaint.

"Do I have to stay down here?" I ask.

He purses his lips and Logan enters the medbay with a tray of food. He comes up and sets the tray down with a relieved smile.

"Hey, darlin', how ya doin'?"

"All right," I say hesitantly.

"Hungry?" he asks.

Hank adds, "You had better eat something, if you are able."

"I made Ramen for you," Logan offers. "Oriental flavor."

I smile and take the bowl. It's so salty—Logan must have used the whole seasoning packet. Well, I have bigger problems than high blood pressure. It's delicious and comforting, and I eat the whole bowl. Behind me, Remy carefully eats a sandwich. I hope he's not getting crumbs in my hair.

"In response to your question, Nori, I think perhaps you should stay in the medbay tonight. I—you and Remy have both been through an ordeal. Someone should stay with you."

"Logan will stay with us," I say.

Logan nods. "Yeah, I can do that." I smile at him.

Hank nods. "Very well. Logan—do be sure to contact me if—if you need anything. Nori, you're to take the Ativan twice a day, starting tomorrow. Say, with breakfast and with dinner. All right?"

"Yes, I understand," I say. Fed and drugged, I turn to Aiko. I'd almost forgotten she was here. "Aiko? Are you… how are you?"

"I'm okay. Professor Xavier talked to me. While you were sleeping. He helped me with some stuff."

"Good." I look at her, at Ken, at Mom.

Ken says, "I believe we are staying here for at least a few more days, Nori."

"Oh, good." I say. I embrace Aiko. I try to use my empathy to send her a little love, but I can't. The Ativan must have kicked in already, so I just squeeze her more tightly. She hugs me back. She looks content. I don't think Mesmero hypnotized her as much as he did Remy or me. Thank God, because there definitely seem to be lingering aftereffects from his little trick.

"I think I'm going to bed. I'll see you all in the morning?"

"Good night, Auntie."

I hug my mom and nod at Ken. Remy and Logan follow me upstairs. We take the elevator straight to the third floor. I don't feel up to seeing any of the students yet. It isn't very late, and truthfully I am not very tired—I've been sleeping most of the day. But I had just wanted out of that medbay and back to our own bedroom. I sit up with Remy and Logan and let myself be comforted by their touch. I pull out my laptop and stream a PBS documentary about the national parks, just to give us something to look at while we cuddle. Unfortunately, I'd underestimated my own levels of crazy, and I weep at a black and white photo of piles of buffalo corpses in Yellowstone National Park. I turn my face into Remy's sleek chest. Logan flips the laptop down. "No, it's okay, let's keep watching it," I sniff. "Or something."

"Hey, darlin', you're all right," Logan says.

"But the buffalo!" I say.

He comes up behind me and strokes my hair. "That was a long time ago. You go out west today, there's plenty of buffalo."

I calm down. I was just regular crying, not having a panic attack. Thanks, Ativan. I love Logan so much for trying to console me about the buffalo, as if that were the problem. But he's doing the best he can.

Logan says, "When you two were gone…" he trails off.

"How long were we gone?"

"Ten days."

"Hmm," I say. I turn and rest my face against Logan. "Love you."

He squeezes me. "Love you too." He takes a deep whiff of my hair and says, "Look, darlin', whatever… whatever's going on… we'll figure it out. We're all a team. You know that, right?"

"Yes," I whisper. I guess I nod off, because when I open my eyes Logan is asleep. I doubt he got much sleep while we were gone, so I lie with him quietly and let him rest. Remy's asleep on my other side. I reach out with my TK and bring the alarm clock to me. It's 6AM. I carefully return the clock. I close my eyes and return to a dreamy, half-asleep mental space. Sometimes bad things happen in this space, and I try to take charge of it. I envision myself surfing, floating peacefully on a board, waiting for a wave. The sun is warm on my skin. Logan makes a content sound beneath me.

A few hours later there's a knock on the door. "Come in," I say automatically. Logan wakes up and I smile at him. Rachael walks in the door carrying a tray of food. Oops. I kind of haven't told Rae about my relationship with Logan. And she kind of can't stand him. Well, whatever, it's my life. I decide to play dumb. It's not even really playing—I definitely still feel hazy.

She widens her eyes. "Uh—sorry," she stammers.

I sit up. "I said 'come in.' Morning, Rae."

"Morning…" she says, still startled.

"Mornin'," Logan says, a little bit smugly. He was the one who had wanted to keep our relationship quiet, but I guess he doesn't mind letting Rae see us curled up together.

"Uh. Do you want some tea?"

"Yes, please." I lean forward and she hands me a mug. "Sit down," I say.

She nods and has a seat on the couch. "You okay, Nori? I was so scared."

"Yeah… I… I'm fine. I don't…" My breathing is picking up a little and I use my TK to grab my pills off the nightstand. "I can't really talk about it," I say. Logan puts a hand on my knee and Rachael looks on a little jealously.

"What? I'm not an X-Man, I don't get to know what happened?" she asks.

"Can't you see how upset she is?" Logan asks. "The last couple times she tried to talk about it she started having panic attacks. This ain't about you, Greenie."

Rachael's eyes flick through anger, surprise, hurt, and regret. "You—you're right. Sorry."

"I know you are," I say. "You can ask Xavier what—what happened. I—I just can't—" I close my eyes and force myself to take deep breaths. I'm trembling a little and Logan moves to sit behind me, hands on my shoulders.

"Easy, darlin', you're all right," he murmurs.

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine," I say. He snorts and I say, "Fine-ish."

Remy sits up and looks around. His face looks fearful. I smile at him and say, "Morning, love."

He nods slightly and says nothing. Rachael looks at him and says, "Hey, Remy." Again, he nods. He's been so uncharacteristically quiet since we got back. But I guess I can see where he's coming from.

I reach out and take his hand. "Hey, love, we're okay," I whisper.

"Um. I brought bagels?" Rachael says.

"Thanks, Rae," I say. I reach out and take one. It's everything with chive and onion cream cheese. "My favorite," I say with a smile.

Rachael smiles back. "Yeah."

"Remy, do you want a bagel?" I ask.

He shrugs. Logan says, "Remy, you gotta eat something. Take one." Remy nods and picks one up. He holds it and looks at it. Logan sighs. "Take one and eat it," he clarifies. Robotically, Remy eats it.

I twist and look at Logan. He tilts his head slightly and I shrug. The Ativan shuts down my telepathy pretty completely or else I'd ask him that way—which I think is what he's trying to get me to do.

"Remy, are you okay? Is he okay?" I ask.

"Fine, cher," Remy murmurs, without looking at me. Logan shakes his head and Rachael looks uncomfortable.

"Well, I—I'll just—I'll be around, if you need anything," she says, standing to go.

I don't try to stop her. "Thanks for breakfast," I say. "Love you."

"Love you too," she says, pulling the door shut behind her.

"Logan, how long has he been like this?" I ask.

Logan rubs my shoulders. "Xavier said—he thought Remy was still kinda under Mesmero's influence. Said—he thought it'd wear off soon. Y'just gotta—give him clear instructions." Remy doesn't react to that at all, and I give a little shiver.

"He'll be all right, darlin'. LeBeau's a tough son of a bitch," Logan says fondly. "Just give him a little time. Give yourself a little time, too."

I scoot over on the bed and snuggle against Remy. He relaxes slightly but doesn't say anything. Logan follows me and puts his arm around my other side. "We'll all be all right," he says firmly.

NOTE: Personal disclosure, I cried like 100 times while watching Ken Burns's National Parks documentary. It's available to stream on Netflix if you are interested.