karenina bubo: Heh heh… heh… heh… yeah, um… well, this entire story was already prewritten, but… well… I could do something about babies in the sequel?

You people are lucky I'd already typed the whole thing or it would have taken me forever to get this up- by brother cut the pad of the middle finger on my left hand so now it takes forever to type anything. Just because I find the edge of a serrated knife ticklish does NOT mean he has to use it against me! By the way, I'm, once again, taking the abortion discussions from a couple unofficial ones we had in studyhall before the middle school kids invaded and took over. -_-

Sean: That's not even how you spell his name. It's not 'Cooja', it's 'Kujo'. So… how are you doing, Cuddle Buddy? And I'll say it before you can- NOW!

Chapter 7

Three months later

Los Angeles

Glendale High School

September 15th

8: 30am

"Now, we are going to talk about abortions," Casey said as she leaned back against the whiteboard, resting a hand on her baby bump affectionately. Her class glanced up at the word abortion and all her students looked pointedly at her large stomach. She chuckled and rolled her eyes. "I know, I'm very obviously pregnant, it doesn't mean I can run a discussion on abortion without being biased. Anyways, you'll be the ones doing the discussing, I'll just be here to make sure it doesn't get out of hand... George, you start us off. Pro or anit abortion, and why."

One her favorite students- perhaps because he was Asian and his name was George, so he always made her think of George Huang- said, "Definitely pro. I mean, its the woman's choice whether or not to terminate, and if she doesn't feel like its murder, then she should be allowed to end her own pregnancy."

"But that's stupid!" Cut in a student that Casey really didn't like, Alice Hartford. "Abortion is murder! No one should be allowed to kill anyone, especially their own baby!"

Casey, always the lawyer instead of a teacher, raised a finger and said, "Technically, Alice, abortion isn't murder. Until the fetus can survive outside of the womb, it is not considered a person. In accordance of Paragraph 8, Subsection B of the 27th Amendment, if the baby has not taken at least one breath by his or herself, it is considered a fetus and not a person, thus, it is not murder. As the long as the baby can not survive outside the womb, it's legal, You know, I once had a case where..." Casey trailed off when she remembered that she wasn't a lawyer anymore- that no one could know she had even used to be a lawyer. Her students were all staring at her in confusion, and she cleared her throat and improvised quickly, "I had to write an essay on abortion in college. Anyways, Alice, George, continue on."

Casey listened dully while thinking back to what Agent Harris had said. Legally, he hadn't been able to force her to get an abortion, though he had strongly advised it. Casey, on the other hand... the thought of killing her baby... god, to do that would have killed her. She hadn't been able to do it. It hadn't mattered that it was her rapist's child. It hadn't mattered that Casey might never be able to tell her baby that Olivia Bell wasn't her real name. She already loved that child and would do anything to keep it...

Now, of course, it didn't matter. She was 5 months pregnant- it would be illegal for her to get an abortion now. And after she gotten the ultrasound and heard her little girl's heartbeat? No. No way in hell would she have managed that.

And she still hadn't even dealt with her rape. In fact, today was one of the few days when she was even willing to admit she did have to deal with it. And it was on days like this that she really got depressed, because it was quite obvious that she had gotten nowhere at all. At night, she slept with every light on and curled up next to a baseball bat and was only able to get to sleep after hours of worthless contemplation, and then would find herself screaming into reality several times in the early hours before morning. She still cut herself, and frankly, Casey saw nothing wrong with it. The sight of the blood and the aching pain always calmed her without fail.

Flashbacks could be caused by the littlest things, like her students joking about rape. One second she would be all smiles, the next, fighting tears. Having a flashback once or twice every day wasn't uncommon, and things had gotten so bad she had learned how to control them and breathe and work through the ensuing panic.

By now, she had still tried, in fits of rage, to convince herself that the rape wasn't her fault... but the answers to that very question her students had given her months ago kept flashing before her eyes. It didn't help that, during lunch, she had many yells of, 'It's not rape if it's Sara!' or, 'Look at the skirt, the kid's just asking to be raped!' She still daydreamed about Olivia coming to make it all better... but she knew better then to expect it to come true. Olivia had probably moved on by now...

Meanwhile, the abortion discussion was still going on. Alice was saying, "But the woman shouldn't have acted like a whore and gotten pregnant if she didn't want a child!"

"Alice!" Casey exclaimed, once again battling emotions with her own rape and pregnancy as she scolded the teenager. "You can talk like that at home, but don't talk like that in this classroom or I will give you detention." Her eyes flashed dangerously, and she wanted to punch the little sneering bitch in the face. "Another outburst like that and I will send you out of class," she snapped, sounding rather like Elizabeth Donnelly when she threatened to throw Casey in a jail cell countless times for her refusal to put up with the defense and their ridiculous motions...

But that was all a part of her past days as a lawyer. And those days were over.

Eric, another one of the students pro-abortion, cut in and said, "Alice, maybe something happened like a woman's husband died or something and she wouldn't be able to support a kid."

Alice shrugged and said simply, "Its still her fault she got pregnant, no matter what. If she can't take responsibility of her own body enough to deprive herself the pleasures of sex, then she shouldn't be allowed to just take an easy out and get an abortion, AKA kill her own child."

Needless to say, the rest of the day wasn't easy for Casey.

Once again, someone telling her it was her fault she was raped. The rape was her fault, it was as simple as that. And she still knew that getting an abortion would of destroyed her, but… that shouldn't have mattered. Casey looked down at the many scars on her arms, she felt the utter exhaustion brought on by her sleepless nights, she barely ate anymore and every time she got compromised, she would have to keep moving... that wasn't fair, to put a child in an environment like that.

But Casey knew that to kill her child would have killed her. She would of been a mess for weeks, but she should of ignored that and still gone through with it... because it was going to be worse for her child to grow up like that. A worthless, pathetic excuse for a human being as a mother, a rapist for an absent father, always moving around, living one lie after another...

She couldn't, in good conscience, let her own child live like that.

But letting someone else adopt her baby would kill her. But that shouldn't matter. She loved her daughter and wanted her to have a better life then Casey could give her, even if it meant putting herself through absolute hell.

So, lost and confused, Casey finally stumbled out to her car at the end of the day, resting a hand on her stomach. Her stomach that was starting to hurt quite alot to the point of making her scream, but she waited until she had made into the car to do so. It was too late in her pregnancy to get an abortion anyway, why bother wondering about it? Casey began crying as she started to drive, but not to her apartment. She didn't know where she was headed off too and she didn't care. She just wanted to get away, if only for a little, to not be Olivia Bell or Casey Novak. Just to be some nameless person, without an identity or a purpose, without all these impossible problems to deal with.

Casey had no idea how long she'd been driving, her vision mostly obscured by tears, her mind clouded by agonized thoughts and the now excruciating pain in her stomach that made her think she had lost the baby. One look at her enlarged stomach made her lose all control completely. She doubled over, just fighting for every breath, not even caring that the car was still in motion.

Of course, the fact that she didn't care didn't stop it from crashing into a tree.

New York

Mulligan's Bar

September 15th

11:30pm

"Happy birthday, Abbie," Olivia slurred as she clapped a hand on her equally drunk friend's back. "You're turning... 15... 14... woah, doing bad," she mumbled as she almost collapsed out of the chair.

Serena Southerlyn, not nearly as drunk as Abbie and Olivia, saved her from falling flat on her face. "Aw, poor Livvie," she said with a smirk- Olivia only let other people call her Livvie when she was completely out of it. "She's drunk."

"'M not drunk..." she mumbled, leaning her head on Serena's shoulder. "Just tired... oops... I'm out." Olivia slumped forward onto the bar and closed her eyes sleepily, though she was still conscious.

"Ser!" a young blonde woman called as she jogged over to them. "Serena, hi! What are you doing here?"

Serena glanced back to see her ex-girlfriend Tami standing before her. "Oh, Tami! Hey. I'm celebrating my friend's birthday. Say hello to the birthday girl." She nodded at Abbie, who was currently struggling to focus on Serena.

"Ser, stop moving the room, that's not funny!" Abbie exclaimed, glaring blearily at her.

"Sereeeeeeeeeeeeena! Come on!" Serena chuckled, nudging Olivia. "Hey Livvie! Wake up, Liv, wake up!"

Olivia opened her eyes sleepily and grinned. "Hello, love," she said as a generic term for everybody in the room.

Tami looked down at the brunette and grinned. "Oh, darling, aren't you a cute one? We should go on a date tomorrow, when you aren't so smashed. I'll meet you at Antonio's, that fancy Italian place, tomorrow at 8. And since I know you're drunk and won't remember, Ser here is gonna tell you about it when you sober up. See you tomorrow, sweetie!" When Olivia threw up on the floor, Tami bit her lip, then said quickly, "Um, better make that, see you in two days. I think you'll still be pretty hungover tomorrow."

"Oh, no, Tami, I don't think you should-" Serena started as Tami left, but it was too late, her ex-girlfriend was gone. She looked down at Olivia with a sigh, knowing the detective hadn't gone a date since Casey died. In fact, she was pretty sure Olivia had given up all hope of moving on. And, if she was able, the decision should have been made sober, not drunk- in fact, Olivia hadn't even made the decision at all, Tami had made it for her.

Serena was going to tell Olivia about the date when she was sober, but still, she was worried about the detective, whether or not she went to meet Tami. Especially if she did and the date didn't go well.

New York

Elliot Stabler's apartment

September 16th

5: 45pm

Olivia paced around Elliot's apartment frantically, running a hand through her short hair as she tried to figure out a way to get out of this date. "God, Elliot, I'm such an idiot," she said as bit her lip, still racking her mind for excuses like 'I have to work' or 'I'm sick', anything other than actually going on the date.

"You were passed out drunk," he said comfortingly from his spot on the couch. "You couldn't have done anything to stop it."

Olivia just shook her head unhappily and rolled her eyes. "El, I'm not going on this date! I can't! I'm not going to betray Casey like that; god, it's only been five months..." She felt the familiar pang in her heart stemming from how much she missed the gorgeous redhead, but swallowed back her emotions and kept talking. "I'm not going to go on a date with somebody I barely even know just so Serena doesn't get mad at me."

"Liv..." Elliot said patiently, watching as she whipped around and continued her frantic pacing. "Look... I'm not saying you have to enjoy it. I'm not saying you have to like Tami. But I think you should go on this date."

Olivia froze and whirled around to stare at him. "Wha... what? Elliot... no, no, I can't, Casey-"

"Is dead, Olivia." He stood up and walked forward to his devastated partner and took her hands in his. "Olivia, I know how much you loved her, really, really loved her. But she's dead. And I'm not expecting Tami to replace Casey- but I do hope she'll make you realize that its okay for you to try to find someone else. It's what Casey would want. She wouldn't want you to remain single and sad forever, in love with a ghost. Olivia... I'm not saying that you're going to stop loving her, ever. But you can still find happiness with someone else. Tami may or may not be the one, I don't know, but you have to try, Olivia..." At her hurt and betrayed look, Elliot said softly, "Liv, I loved Casey too... not like you did, and still do, of course, but I still did. And I know she wouldn't want you to remain faithful with a ghost. She would want you to be happy, Liv. I want you to be happy. So take a chance. Go on this date with Tami. See if you can find happiness."

Olivia looked away as tears brimmed in her eyes. She didn't want to take a chance with someone else. She had already found her someone. It didn't matter that she wasn't coming back.

Olivia was never coming to stop loving her and wasn't going to cheat on her with somebody else.

Elliot brushed away her tears and asked, "Please, Olivia? I promise, if you don't like her, you

don't have to go on another date with her again... hell, think of it just like dinner between friends. We have dinner sometimes, right?" Olivia nodded slightly, and he smiled. "Yeah. So first, see if you can be friends with her. We can talk about dating another night."

Los Angeles

Los Angeles General Hospital

September 16th

8:30pm

Casey moaned groggily as she felt something tugging on her arm. The dull pain was more annoying than uncomfortable, but it still made her stay conscious instead of letting sleep claim her again. She struggled for another minute or so to open her eyes, and when she did, she found herself looking into an unrecognizable man's face.

Immediately, the beginnings of fear began to pulse through her system and she opened her mouth to scream before the man leaned back and allowed her to get a look at where she was- a hospital room, with... god damn it, Agent Harris sitting in the corner. She looked around in confusion, her eyes settling on the man- who looked like he was a doctor. "Wha... where..." she trailed off, blinking blearily.

The doctor smiled in satisfaction, sitting on the edge of her bed. "Welcome back. How do you feel?"

"Like I was hit by a Mac truck," she muttered, running a shaky hand through her hair. "What happened? Wait... no... I was in a car crash, right?" she asked, looking back at the doctor.

He nodded. "Yes, yesterday evening. I just gave you some drugs to wake you up now, at Agent Harris's insistence," he said, nodding at the FBI agent in the corner, who nodded at Casey and smiled. "He said you had somewhere important to be tomorrow and that you had to be up on your feet as soon as possible. Now, the crash broke your leg, so you'll be in a cast and crutches for about a month, but aside from a few stitches and a cracked rib, you're fine. Well, um... except for one thing." Casey swallowed nervously, watching as the doctor looked away for a moment before he started off comfortingly, "Ma'am... you lost the baby. It wasn't due to the crash, you miscarried before it, we think because of stress levels. I'm so sorry, we tried to save it, but... well... we couldn't. I'm sorry, Ms. Novak."

Casey stared at him in horror as he got up to leave, but then, in a desperate attempt to deny the terrible news she had just received, something he had said made her realize... "Wait! Doctor!" she exclaimed as he reached the door. He turned and looked back at her sympathetically, pity clear on his face. "Did you... did you just call me 'Ms. Novak?" He hesitated, clearly confused, then nodded.

The doctor left when there was no explanation forthcoming, and she turned immediately to Agent Harris. "Well?" she demanded. "He knew my name... does that mean... am I...?"

Agent Harris nodded and smiled. "Yes, Casey. The FBI picked up Taylor Smith on a drug charge yesterday. There was a shoot out on the way to the precinct, completely unrelated to Smith himself- he died. You're free to come home, Casey, back to New York. And I did some digging for you about your job- your replacement is more than willing to transfer back to White Collar, so you'll get your old job back. Everything will be back to normal."

Yes... normal... without her baby... without the baby she had loved... even though she hadn't been able to bear to bring it into existence... she was raped and it was all her fault. She lost her baby and it was all her fault. Olivia was going to hate her when she found out, so she'd lose her girlfriend.

She'd lost everything. Everything.

But, call me selfish, I'm excited to go home. And she was. Very excited. Casey was unable to stop a wide smile from spreading across her face as thanked Harris over and over, tears in her eyes, both mourning her unborn baby and thrilled that she was at last going home.

A plane somewhere over the US

September 17th

5:00pm

Casey leaned her head back against the seat and took another one of the pain killers the hospital had given her, sighing in displeasure.

After being released this morning, Casey had limped along to the airport with Agent Harris. She'd had nothing worth keeping at Olivia Bell's apartment. Say goodbye to her students? Yeah, right. Say goodbye to anyone else? Yeah, who?

While she was ecstatic about coming home... Casey was worried. Over the past few months, she had become increasingly interested in sex with... well, anyone. She had known she wasn't ready and besides, she didn't want to cheat on Olivia- so she hadn't had sex- but she found herself being attracted to anyone, not just women, but men, too. She wanted someone to have sex with her, to get all traces of Taylor Smith off of her, to make her clean again... to feel loved again. But every time, she had been stopped by two things- she'd be cheating on Olivia, and Olivia Bell was already clean. She couldn't be a rape victim or her brilliant shield of denial would break and the heart-wrenching pain would come crashing down again.

But now that she was going back to New York, she would be Casey Novak again, and the pain would come back. So she had to get clean. And having sex with someone she trusted was perfect- it would be proof that, despite everything being her fault, she was still lovable. She would feel loved and clean. And that's all she wanted- was to be loved again. God, god, please, she wanted to feel loved again. She looked over the people on the plane, feeling herself attracted to each one, but shook her head vehemently. No, not yet. Not yet.

Soon.

Casey absently ran her hand over her stomach... her flat stomach... god, her baby, dead, gone, forever... she had killed her baby. Olivia was going to hate her. God, everyone was going to hate her. She had killed her own child because she was a selfish little bitch. Casey looked at the scars on her arms and wanted to cut herself again, but restrained herself. That release could wait. First, though...

Her flight got into New York at midnight, eastern time. She was going to go to the squad room. If Olivia was there... well, she'd probably start bawling and collapse into her arms... but she wanted to have sex with her. A voice in the back of her head told her she was dangerously close to losing it, that, before, sex had been the least important part of a relationship to her, but now she didn't give a damn. All she wanted was to feel loved again... , god, that was all she wanted... please...

And yes, all that legal stuff I wrote about abortion? Well, in case you couldn't tell, I made it up on the spot. :D Please review