karenina bubo: Yeah, I could probably work that stuff into the sequel. I'd already written the first couple chapters before I heard about the gay marriages act in New York, but I can probably still make it work ;)

Chapter 8

New York

Antonio's

September 17th

8:00pm

Olivia took a deep breath before she stepped inside the restaurant and whispered, "Casey, I'll always love you," then headed inside like she was off to war.

Tami was waiting for her by the door. "Hey there!" Tami said and smiled at her. "I already got us a table, come on." She gestured for Olivia to follow as she walked over to a table, and Olivia was already comparing this to her first date with Casey. Yeah, she preferred Casey. Definitely.

Olivia was just about to turn around and walk back outside, already hating herself for betraying Casey, when their waiter came up and asked for their drink orders. Olivia hesitated, then decided to take Elliot's advice and stay. He already said he would pick her up afterward and take her home, stay with her if need be... and one date couldn't hurt. Right?

It was actually quite a good first date. Nothing compared to the sweet, romantic evening she had shared with Casey, but still, not bad at all... at least, until, Olivia stood up to go, even though it was ten minutes before Elliot was supposed to pick her up. "So?" Tami asked. "Your place or mine?"

Olivia blinked, then said, "Um... I'm sorry, but I was planning on going home separately... you know, not together."

Tami laughed and rolled her eyes, then kissed her on the lips. A very shocked Olivia pulled back as Tami chuckled and said, "Oh, come on, that's no fun! Come on, come home with me, it could be so good! And god, you look good in that dress..."

Olivia shook her head furiously and backed up. "No, no, no, I do not want to have sex with you. Please, let's just leave this how it was and maybe meet up some other time." Tami kissed her again, but when Olivia pulled back forcefully and shouted, "No, Tami!" the woman crossed her arms and huffed in anger.

"Oh, come on, baby. There's nothing wrong with having a little fun!" Tami kissed her again and Olivia, already hating herself for her horrible mistake, slapped her in the face then ran out of the restaurant into the night.

SVU Squad room

September 18th

12: 15am

Olivia wasn't in the squad room. Elliot was.

But Casey didn't care. She was past the point of caring now. She had gone so long without someone loving her, so long without someone telling her it wasn't her fault and it was going to be okay, that she didn't care. She wanted to feel clean and loved again. She wanted to stop feeling this pain all the time and wanted someone to make her clean.

Elliot. She trusted him. He wouldn't cause a flashback. And he knew her before she screwed up so badly. If he could forgive her and love her again, perhaps she could feel loved, for the first time in almost six months. Perhaps she could become clean again.

So Casey swung into the squad room on her crutches, staring at Elliot as he paced back in forth in what looked like worry. He didn't look up, though he had probably heard her. And as happy as she was to be home, as thrilled as she was to see him... she knew that he was going to have to know the truth about her rape. And it killed her. Knowing about her sins with her baby would kill her again, but first, she wanted peace, and he could give it to her.

And so, the first words to one of her best friends in a reunion she had imagined thousands of times, were not, 'hey, Elliot,' but, "Have sex with me, Elliot."

The detective stopped pacing and looked over to her, then stared in shock at the ghost standing before him. Casey limped forward again, green eyes wide and demanding. "Make love to me," she pleaded, grabbing him by the collar of his shirt and letting her crutches fall to the floor. When she almost collapsed, Elliot caught her by reflex, his eyes still wide as he looked down at her in complete amazement.

"Ca- Casey?' he stuttered. "But... you... dead... explosion... funeral..." he gasped, unable to string his words together into an understandable sentence.

And while Casey's desire for sex was strong, so was her desire for comfort. And he was already holding her upright, so it was a simple matter to believe that maybe he wasn't totally disgusted by her, that if she told him the truth, he would still love her. "Witness... witness protection... Elliot, I'm so sorry, they wouldn't let me say goodbye... I'm sorry..."

"Wi... witness protection?" he stammered, shaking his head blearily like he was trying to clear it. "But... Smith... he escaped, and you... you..."

"He's dead, El," she whispered, shaking her head, tears falling down her cheeks now. "He's gone. I'm home."

Elliot continued to stare at her in shock for a moment, then whispered, "You're... alive? Alive? Oh, god, Casey... Casey!" he wrapped his arms tightly around her, crushing her to his chest, and... it was so sweet... god, the burning sensation, it wasn't there! A man was touching her and it didn't hurt! Oh, god, this was the most beautiful thing she had ever felt.

"Elliot," she whispered in relief, so glad that she could finally feel her friend's arms wrapped around her and not wake up screaming for her old life. She wrapped her arms around him, still letting him support her.

Elliot squeezed her again before sitting down on his desk chair and putting her on his lap, his face so innocent and happy that she couldn't bear to tell him the rest. "Oh, Casey, I can't believe this! You're back, you're actually alive! And god, you just wait until Olivia sees you, she's been a wreck ever since you died, Case, but god, you didn't die, I just can't... Case?" he asked in confusion as she started to cry and lowered her face in shame. "Casey? What's wrong?"

"She can't know... El, she's going to hate me... I can't tell her, El, god, she'll be devastated..." Casey buried her head in her hands and sobbed again, trembling violently.

Elliot stared at her in surprise, still in shock from the fact that she was really alive, really back home, wrapped a hesitant arm around her shaking shoulders and asked softly, "Casey... she knows it wasn't your fault you had to leave, Smith was going to kill you..." he trailed off in confusion as Casey shook her head again and cried harder.

"No," she choked out. "That wasn't it! That's not why... god, El... she'll never forgive me for what I did."

"Casey, its okay. I'm sure whatever you did, she'll forgive. It'll be okay," he started, but Casey cut him off with a furious scream.

"No, Elliot, it won't! It hasn't been okay ever since I woke up in my apartment and he was there! And she'll never forgive me for killing my baby! It could have grown up to be another Olivia! But now my little girl's dead and it's all my fault..." she sobbed again, feeling the raw pain emanating from her torso and wishing more then anything she could escape from it.

Elliot hadn't thought he could be more shocked, but apparently he was wrong. "Case... Casey, you were... pregnant? What?" Casey nodded and sobbed again, hiding her face in shame. "And... killed? You got an abortion?"

"No," she sobbed. "No, I couldn't. But I... my students said it was my fault... that I asked for him to... to rape me... god, El, Smith... that's why I left! That's the real reason I went into witness protection, Elliot! Smith almost beat me to death and he ra... he ra... he raped me, Elliot." She looked up at him, eyes wide and tearful and begging for his help.

Elliot stared down at her in horror, and Casey crumbled after a moment, doubling over and hiding her face in her hands once again. After a moment, Elliot immediately wrapped around his arms around the broken woman in his lap and pulled her close, pressing a kiss to her forehead and squeezing her tight. He felt Casey's head coming to rest on his shoulder as he cried harder and he stroked her hair, remembering that it used to comfort her. Casey wrapped a trembling arm around his neck and buried her head in his shoulder, feeling her body shake with the force of her sobs.

God, he couldn't even believe the woman in his arms was alive, and now this? He still remembered finding out she was dead, going to her funeral, wiping Olivia's many tears every time she cried for a dead Casey. And now he was finding out she was alive? And a rape victim? And she had been pregnant? This was just too much to process all at once.

Elliot kept his arms around her, frowning when he caught sight of many scars and half-healed cuts on her arms. She felt weightless in his arms and he could tell she hadn't been eating, and by the dark circles under her eyes it was obvious she hadn't been sleeping. He remembered the crutches and loosened his hold slightly, afraid he was hurting her, but Casey immediately withdrew from his embrace and wiped her cheek with the back of her hand, looking anywhere but at him. "Casey..." he started, still speechless. "I... I don't know what to say; I'm sorry."

She shrugged and continued staring at her hands. "S'okay, El, its not your fault."

Elliot caught her look away uncomfortably at that and he immediately reached out and cupped her chin in his hand, forcing her to look at him. "Hey. It's not yours, either, okay?"

She shrugged and looked away. "Yeah, sure..."

"No, not 'yeah, sure'. I want to hear you say its not your fault."

Casey gave him one of her patented 'I'm not in the mood looks' but still said slowly, "Fine, fine, if it'll make you feel better. It's not my... fault?"

He sighed, then gave her another hug before helping her to her feet. "Good girl, Case. Now, do you want to go over to Olivia's place? She would probably want to see you..."

Casey hesitated and looked away as he handed her her crutches. "Um, I... El, I don't know how to tell her- I mean, I lost my baby... my rapist's child, too, but still, she was my daughter, and I loved her... she'll never forgive me for this, Elliot-"

"Hey," he said harshly, turning to look at her as he led her outside the precinct. "You didn't ask for any of this, Casey. And Olivia won't have to forgive you because there's nothing to forgive. Now, I can help you tell her what happened, if you want, but first... well, you're going to have to talk to her."

Casey caught the note of concern in his voice and quickly looked up at him, worried. "Why? What's wrong? Is she okay? Is she-"

"Yes, yes, she's fine," he said, holding up his hand to stop the flow of questions. "Well, physically... Casey... please don't get mad, but... well, someone asked her out on a date and she didn't want to go, but I... well, I sort of convinced her to go on it."

Casey swallowed, suddenly terrified that Olivia had moved on, that she was too late in her homecoming, that she had already found somebody else... "Oh," she forced out, trying to smile but failing miserably. "Oh, I get it, she's... she's already got somebody else, I see, I'll just-"

Elliot held up his hand to stop her, clearly shocked. "Oh, no, Casey, that's not it at all! Case, their first date was tonight, and Olivia really did not want to go on it. She felt like she was betraying you. I told her I'd pick her up after it and talk to her, but she wasn't at the restaurant. I tried calling her cell and she ignored my calls... I was just about to go find her when you came to the precinct..."

"Wait- do you think something could of happened to her? What if she's hurt, El? Oh, god, what if someone-"

"I don't think that's it, Case," he said slowly, looking down at the floor before glancing back up into the ADA's fierce eyes. "Casey, I'm pretty sure she was upset and went to... where she always goes when she's upset," he said, not wanting to tell Casey where it was.

"Oh, her mother's grave," Casey said with a nod. "Can you... can you please take me, El?"

He nodded as he led her outside the precinct, then said, "Sure, Case, but... well, its not her mother's grave. Not anymore."

New Haven Cemetery

September 18th

1:00am

Casey moved forward slowly, staring in shock at her girlfriend, who had yet to turn around to see the figure behind her. Olivia probably thought it was Elliot. Casey swallowed hard as she looked at the name on the tombstone- Casey Novak.

"You know, El, I should of known never to go on that date," Olivia said softly. "I should of known I'd never, ever find someone as perfect as Casey." Casey stared at her, blinking back tears, until Olivia snapped, "Are you going to say something or just stand there, Elliot?"

"Olivia," Casey gasped, unable to believe that it was true, that she was finally, truly home.

The detective remained still for a moment, then gasped and whirled around in shock. When she saw it was Casey, she froze, clearly unsure if she was dreaming or if she'd finally snapped. Casey reached out a trembling hand and touched her lover's shoulder, her voice thick with emotion as she said, "Liv... Olivia. It's you. It's really you."

Olivia looked from Casey to the tombstone and back again, clearly unable to process anything that was going on. "Witness protection," she said as a way of an explanation.

Olivia's eyes widened, and then she reached out slowly, tremulously, to twine her fingers in a strand of the ADA's hair. "Case, your hair," she said with a dazed smile. "Its blonde. If I was a dreaming you'd be a redhead."

"And if I was dreaming, we'd already be kissing," Casey said, looking her up and down, still unable to believe it.

Olivia took a hesitant step forward, then threw herself forward into Casey's arms, gasping, "Casey!"

"Olivia!" Casey breathed, feeling the warmth of Olivia's embrace as she wrapped her arms tightly around her girlfriend. God, it was really her. This wasn't a dream. She was actually back in New York, here, with Olivia. And Olivia didn't hate her!

Finally, back in the arms of someone she loved so much, she remembered what it was like to feel safe again. To feel loved again. And even though the urge to have sex with somebody, anybody, to renew that feeling wasn't gone... it wasn't unbearable, like before. She could wait until she was ready, and she could have it with Olivia, not with Elliot or, worse, some random chick she met in a bar.

Still, Olivia didn't know the truth yet. She didn't know about her rape and she didn't know about her baby.

But that could wait. Right now, she was just content with being in her lover's embrace.

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