A/N: Got up this morning and spent hours editing this, again and again. Judging by the fact that the letters start to dissolve in front of my eyes, I should really publish this now... Some part of me wants to read (and edit) it yet again, but I will force myself to postpone that.
But first of all, it's time for a massive THANK YOU again. When I first started this story, I never thought I would get as much response as I did. Let's admit it, slow paced stories with lots of characterization tend not to do as well as action-driven stuff (and I mean the word 'action' in every possible connotation ;). So every time I get positive feedback, I'm still very surprised and honestly touched. I feel like I don't deserve all your wonderful comments, but at the same time, they make incredibly, insanely happy. Thank you, each and every one of you. You mean the world to me!
Anyway, new chapter: You know you're in this for the long run, don't you? What is posted so far is roughly one third of the total story (or even less, depending on how short I can cut things). Scared yet? ;)
What else? As indicated by the title, there's a 'change of tone' in this part. We didn't have fluff for quite a while (at least not the obvious kind), so I thought I had to fix that.
This time, the opening quote is from "Undisclosed Desires" by Muse. I thought a song featuring the word 'loveless' in the very first verse would be a pretty good match ;) Besides, I love the expression 'undisclosed desires' (And yes, that song definitively contains innuendo, specially the line "Show me how it's done"... What exactly does this have to do with the story? Probably not what you think right now... ;)
Oh, and just to point it out again: as I already mentioned in the Preface of this story, I never played any FF VII game myself. Therefore, when I talk about things like Mako and Materia (and their use), I'm not only using my own theories, but also try to 'novel-ize' things as far as possible (meaning, I'm using 'story-logic' instead of 'game-logic'). I hope I managed to do so without messing too much with canon (and if I did, please let me know).
Warning: None really. But just to remind you, this chapter contains fluff. Angsty fluff, but fluff nonetheless. Oh, and did I mention angst?
Finally, the dedication: This goes to the lovely, kind, amazing OceanSapphire, also known as Rugou.
Hey darling
See, I finally managed. You deserved a dedication for a long time, being a constant pillar of support for me almost from the very beginning. Thank you very much for many wonderful reviews, messages and conversations, and forgive me for being so terrible at keeping contact lately.
There are definitely traces of sweetness in this chapter, and I hope it's enough to satisfy you (I had to fit a certain amount of angst in, too, for the sake of the plot). If not, just bear with me for the moment being.
I feel like I need to say so much more, but at the same time, I don't know how. Therefore, let me just sum this up by saying:
Stay as you are; you are amazing. Once again, thank you very, very much!
IV. Desires
~°oOo°~
I know you've suffered
But I don't want you to hide
It's cold and loveless
I won't let you be denied
I want to reconcile the violence in your heart
I want to recognize your beauty's not just a mask
I want to exorcise the demons from your past
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart
~°oOo°~
Some people say you shouldn't look directly into the flames. They might consume your soul if you do.
Genesis watched the small ball of fire hovering over his outstretched hand in calm concentration. Even an unskilled observed would have noticed at once that the flames were burning far too regular, and that their colour was just a tad too bright to be ordinary fire. It was real, and yet it wasn't. Some called it magic, some called it science, but – as President Shinra himself had allegedly put it once – names didn't really matter, results did. The result in this case was nothing less than the ability to manipulate the Planet's elements and natural forces to a certain degree. However, that ability did not come cheap. It required a certain amount of talent in the first place, extensive training and last but not least stamina, for every spell or summon was not only fuelled by the forces of the Planet, but also by the sheer will and concentration of the person calling it out. And this was by no way just meant metaphorically.
In this very moment, Genesis could feel that the spell was quite literally feeding on some part of his mind, slowly, constantly. Most beginners were easily freaked out by that feeling, and even advanced Materia users claimed that they tried their best to concentrate on the result and not on the process, because they considered it at least irritating. He, however, did not mind. It was not painful, after all. Not up until a certain point, he corrected himself in his thoughts. But I'm not planning on getting close to that today. A tiny movement of his hand, and the floating orb followed instantly. Almost perfect.
It seemed like some sort of game, but even though some people could make it look very playful, the actual purpose was a different one. Materia is a weapon, and you are not supposed to play around with weapons. There was a purpose behind this so called 'Materia manipulation', and it was beyond simple 'toying around'. In the same way as lifting weights helped with muscle development and finally improved your strength, Materia manipulation aided your ability to concentrate, helped to accustom to the process of spellcasting and therefore improved your abilities to handle that weapon efficiently. Besides, it was almost like meditation. Outside of the hectic and danger of a battlefield, you were free to focus on yourself, and on your spell.
Genesis shifted his concentration, an imaginary movement comparable to making a gesture only in your thoughts, and the fire ball once again reacted immediately. It grew in size, and then separated into three smaller units that started to circle his hand instead of floating over it. Good, but still not good enough.
It wasn't the sound of the door that informed him someone had entered the room. In the highly concentrated state Materia handling required, one could feel every little change in the surroundings, similar to a bat needing nothing but sonar waves to see in pitch black. Therefore, he was not only aware of the fact that someone was approaching, but also who it was.
Angeal politely stopped at a distance to the middle of the dimly lit room, and watched Genesis for a moment in silence. 'As long as you are completely one with your spell, its power will not harm you.' Whenever he heard that line, a standard affirmation that Materia wasn't dangerous per definition, he immediately had to think of Genesis and his beloved fire spells, the perfect example for a perfect and deadly union between a weapon and its wielder. Even though he had seen him like this many times before, it was still fascinating. The expression of intense concentration made Genesis look distant, almost untouchable, powerful yet fragile at the same time. And despite the distance, Angeal discovered a very well hidden painful edge in that concentration. "Still training? Don't you think it's time to call it a day?"
Genesis didn't reply at once. Even though he had actually mastered the task of talking while still concentrating on his spell relatively early on, he hated the sensation it created. It's like splitting your mind in two on purpose, and the scariest part is that it doesn't even feel as uncomfortable as it should. It feels more... familiar? With another mental twitch and a tiny gesture of his hand, he caused the three smaller circles of fire to fuse yet again into one, causing some sparks and a vague sensation of heat in the process. Damn it. For a moment, he felt like stumbling, being able to catch his balance in the last moment before hitting the ground. He couldn't help shaking his head in disapproval, even though the small orb now floated innocently right above his hand again, and obediently dimmed its light to a vague glow when Genesis bent his fingers.
"Seriously, the counter says you were doing stuff like this for almost two hours. You shouldn't push yourself that hard. Besides, why didn't you start with Ice? It's so much easier to manipulate..."
"If I had wanted to juggle ice cubes around, I would have applied as President Shinra's personal bartender." Genesis finally returned, with a barely veiled hint of annoyance.
"I see. And why this sudden training spree?"
"Advanced Materia Class, first thing tomorrow. I'll finally be allowed to use real Materia again, after I was stuck with only simulations for months."All thanks to this stupid Materia-related accident, and all its consequences. Of course you don't understand what this means to me, do you? "So I just wanted to make sure I still remember how it works... by running another simulation, of course."
"That's what you're worried about? Two thirds of this unit are jealous of your skills, and the rest either thinks Materia is overrated or never pays attention in class. Sometimes even I can't help but feel slightly jealous."
Although he tried not to show it, the way Genesis' face lit up spoke volumes about the fact that he appreciated the encouragement. Angeal had moved closer while speaking these words, and now stood right at the line separating grey floor tiles from white ones, or the 'neutral' fringe area of the Materia VR training room from the 'active' middle, some sort of guidance for users as well as something the complicated computer system obviously required to create a perfect optical illusion. Shinra scientists had worked on this variation of a standard VR training room for years, and the final results were as close to reality as anyhow possible, in every way, not only in visual terms.
Just a moment later, Genesis turned to look at him, another little gesture that proved his remarkable talent with Materia. Most others would have been unable to control the result of their spell without looking at it. "Want to have a try?"
Angeal shook his head. "Better not. I'd hate to burn my fingers."
"Oh, come on. It's just a simulation."
"That doesn't mean anything. Knowing you, you are using one of the highest settings, and that means even though there will be no visible burns to prove I messed up, the pain is still too real. Besides, I'm not good with magic in general, and especially not with fire."
"They say that in order to master fire, you have to be likeminded... Tells a lot about me, don't you think?" Genesis chuckled softly, suddenly all playful, and the glowing ball seemed to flicker in the same rhythm. "But seriously, you don't have to worry. I just want to show you something. Besides, it's my spell, so it won't hurt you. Trust me."
It was his smile. This beautiful, fascinating, demanding smile. Angeal just couldn't refuse. So he stepped onto the white tiles.
Genesis reached out with his free hand to draw him closer, before instructing: "Hold up your hand. Like this."
When Angeal did, he gently placed his own hand under it, causing the small glowing ball to float over Angeal's palm now.
"That's actually a programming mistake," Genesis continued. "With real Materia, this wouldn't work just as well. You'd have to cast the spell yourself, and even then it would be much harder to achieve something like shared control... but enough with theory. You know the drill: Concentration, image, focus."
Angeal had to concentrate hard not to burst into laughter. It's so strange to hear you say 'focus'. That's what I used to tell you all the time when you weren't concentrating properly. Composure. Concentrate. Don't lose your focus. Hearing you say it feels like a copyright violation... Still, he tried to free himself from that thought and to shift his concentration to the small glowing orb.
After only a second, it changed its form again, literally melting down into a flat pool first and then rising up again. Now it looked like proper flames, just like something you'd expect to find in a fireplace, only instead of that, it fit smoothly in the palm of Angeal's hand. It feels odd, seeing your own hand on fire. At least it doesn't hurt. There was no pain, no heat, just intense warmth that spread from his hand over his whole arm.
"See? It's not as bad as you thought, is it?"
"It's quite... impressive." Through the flames, Angeal could see Genesis' face. It was calm, and the flames reflected in his eyes, making it look as if they were on fire, as if they were the very source of it.
There was no chance to dwell on these thoughts. "For the next part, simply imagine throwing a ball into the sky." They carried out the movement together, and again the flames obeyed, forming a compact round shape that drifted towards the ceiling, only much slower than Angeal had expected.
"Ok, now watch this..." Genesis waited for another moment, before he closed Angeal's hand with his own in a single, swift movement. Soundlessly, the fireball exploded. In just a heartbeat, it turned into millions of tiny glowing particles, floating around them weightlessly like fireflies, like a rain of embers.
"Isn't that pretty?" Genesis whispered, with all the excitement of a child, so pure, so innocent, so...
Then their gazes met again, and Angeal could see the tiny sparks reflecting over and over in Genesis' eyes like fireworks in the dark surface of a lake. You are pretty. You are.
For a few heartbeats, the Planet simply stopped turning, and the laws of space and time were entirely suspended. Everything was reduced to one single thought, the answer to all questions ever asked and the key to all mysteries of the universe. There was no you, no I, only we, an entity that could not be separated, not by force, not by fate, not even by death, a sacred union of souls. Nothing else existed outside of that, nothing else mattered.
And then the moment passed. Gazes separated, downcast eyes, a blinking, a try to free oneself from an impression that was too powerful, too intense to be maintained. It was like waking up from a shared dream.
For a while, neither of them spoke. There was nothing to say, no way to put a frantically beating heart and a feeling of total bereft into words. Finally, Genesis stated: "Well, I think you were right after all. I should call it a day..." His voice was casual, but shaky, and the cheerful undertone seemed just a tad too much for the occasion.
Angeal found himself completely lost for words. It almost hurt to ignore what just happened, it felt like a desecration, but at the same time like a necessary step in order to move on. "Do you mean that literally? I mean, I basically just came over to say hi, but there are just a few tasks left on my to-do-list, so I thought we could... later on... if you want, that is. " And we are back to stuttering around like a boy asking a girl to join him for the village dance ... Great development.
Genesis just showed him a tiny smile. "Agreed." Right in the next moment, he turned his head, a gesture that seemed too abrupt to be causeless.
"Something wrong?"
Genesis shook his head. From one second to the next, he seemed strangely aloof and concentrated. "I just remembered I should better shut the system down... After all, President Shinra – or his financial advisor, more likely - does not approve any unnecessary waste of energy." He walked over to the control panel. "Don't wait for me; it would only keep you from doing more important things."
"I better hurry then, so I can get to the really important things," Angeal returned. It came out more meaningful then he had intended, so he decided to add an innocuous "Sure you don't need any help with that computer?"
"Affirmative. The Cadet is not handling this system for the first time, sir." Genesis managed to speak the line in a serious tone befitting the military language he used, but his eyes twinkled with a trace of mischief.
"Ok, I get it. See you later."
The airiness of the situation lasted for the first half of the hallway Angeal walked down, and then it was bit by bit swallowed up by uneasiness, like a grey cloud blocking out the sun before the weather eventually changes.
Back then, in this one moment... I should have kissed him. Why did I hesitate? It would have been so perfect. I know that some moments are too perfect, too intense, and too easily ruined by acting upon your desires... but still.
His steps got slower, and slower, without him even realizing it.
Did I hesitate, because the mood was just too overwhelming? Or was I doubting the feelings involved? Whose feelings? His, because deep down, I'm still not sure what he really feels for me, and I had no idea how he might react? Or mine, because I'm scared I would not have been able to stop after just one kiss?
The thought was uncomfortable, and it proved annoyingly hard to turn down, even though he tried to focus on the stairs below his feet, counting them out to have some sort of distraction other than... Suddenly, he stopped dead in tracks. Something had broken through the grey clouds on his mind like a flash of lightning, a brief moment of clarity so bright it almost hurt.
Go back.
Just that, nothing else. For a few heartbeats, that order echoed on his mind like distant thunder. Then it was gone. Angeal hesitated, and then slowly turned around to look back into the direction he had come from.
~°oOo°~
The sudden sensation of wetness on his face caught him by surprise, as did the metallic taste in his mouth. Still, he knew at once what it was. Briefly running his fingers over his lips, only to find them covered in red was not really necessary at all, and feeling his heartbeat speeding up was just an annoying addition. It's just an ordinary nosebleed, for Gaia's sake!
Despite trying to calm himself, he could feel his knees getting weak. Knowing that there was at least no one around to see him like this, Genesis lowered himself to the ground and leaned forward, causing the blood to drip on the floor, slowly, steadily. Blood stains were visible on any kind of floor tiles, more or less, but on the white part of the floor, they really stood out. In a strange fit of morbid fascination, he couldn't turn away from that sight, in the same way as one is not able to turn away from a possible enemy, because he might attack in the very second you stop watching him closely. The pattern the blood formed on the floor seemed menacing, but hypnotizing at the same time, carrying a secret hidden meaning like a Rorschach picture. Another drop fell down like in slow motion, hitting the small pool of blood with a low, echoing sound he was sure existed only in his mind, because there wasn't nearly enough liquid on the floor to cause it. The floor... white... red on white...
Don't look at the floor. Anywhere else, but not the floor...
Breaking the echoes on his mind, there suddenly was another sound, raw, destructive. Breaking glass. An explosion of shards, violent, painful.
Not again...
With the low sigh of a person being in severe pain, a sigh that he didn't even recognize as his own - too foreign, too confusing - he tried to lift his head.
In that very second, he could recall Angeal's calm voice stating: 'Never tilt your head back, Gen. That only causes that blood to run down your throat, which will make you sick eventually. You have to lean forward. Don't worry, it will stop soon.'
Angeal had still used almost the same words three years ago. Back then, Genesis had tried to look at him, not the unusually large amount of blood covering his hands and clothes, and had – for the first time in his life - returned a weak and doubtful: 'What if it doesn't?'
The vivid memory brought back the question, causing it resound over and over in his head. What if it doesn't? Before he had even realized what he was doing, he had raised his hands and covered his face, a desperate try to block out the floodwave of weakness that tried to drag him under. To no avail. Uncontrollable bleeding is one of the most notable signs of a critical Mako overdose.
Stop that thought, right now! he ordered himself. It's nothing but an ordinary nosebleed this time, and therefore it will stop. Your whining is just pathetic.
Refusing to give in to the panic he felt, he lowered his hands again. Unbeknown to him, that had been a mistake. For a moment, he stared blankly at his hands, as if they were foreign objects, as if they didn't belong to his body.
My hands... there is... so much blood on them. So much blood. My fault. It's all my fault.
Everything in him wanted to scream, but he couldn't. He just couldn't.
~°oOo°~
Just a moment later, Angeal carefully opened the door, still arguing with himself how to justify the whole situation. That's completely and utterly stupid. Can't you just leave him alone for five minutes? Seriously, that borders on overobsession, and you know it. Better think of a good excuse for this inappropriate behaviour... Yet right in the very next second, it was not important anymore.
Within seconds, he made it over to Genesis' side, incredibly slowed-down seconds, as if the whole concept of time was out to torture him. He kneeled down on the floor, every fibre of his being aching to find out what was wrong, and at the same time scared of doing so. First of all, he could vaguely make out words, something Genesis seemed to repeat over and over, like a sing-sang, a mantra, fast but incomprehensible.
"Gen?"
No reaction. Genesis' eyes seemed hazy, unfocused, as if he was not even aware that he was no longer alone.
"Gen, can you hear me?"
Finally, as if to mirror the sharp undertone of desperation seeping through Angeal's plea, the bright blue eyes tried to focus, still glossed over by pure panic. "Angeal..." Almost inaudible. It didn't just sound weak, it sounded desperate, like a cry for help.
"What happened?" Angeal asked, maybe too obviously worried.
Genesis shook his head, slowly, more a gesture of denial than of negation. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry..."He was totally lost, so completely paralyzed by fear that he was unable to react in any sort of way. His breathing seemed flat yet too fast, giving him barely enough energy for those words. Still, he kept repeating them over and over, until his voice finally broke.
When was the last time I saw him like this? Sweet Gaia, have I ever seen him like this before? And somewhere in the back of his mind, a dark voice replied: 'Of course you have. Back then.'
Angeal felt a cold hand closing around his heart, the same panic that had obviously taken hold of Genesis already. Yet the rational part of him that was surprisingly enough still able to function insisted instantly this was not an option. Calm down! If you lose it now, you'll only end up scaring him more, and that's not going to help... With an almost inhuman effort, Angeal forced his voice to remain steady. "Hey, it's ok. Nothing to be sorry for."
First, there was no reaction, no reply, just the sound of breathing, still too fast, too shallow. The helplessness was like a sharp pain, but Angeal still managed to keep it well hidden. "Gennie. Look at me." As if to underline that order, he reached out and gently touched his friend's chin, tugging it towards him. The skin under his fingers felt surprisingly cold, yet damp and strangely sticky with blood.
But the blood was not the most serious problem. Hyperventilation. If he continues like that, he'll pass out... "It's ok. Everything's going to be fine, don't worry. Right now, I need you to focus on nothing but breathing for a while. Think you can do that?"
For a moment, Genesis looked him blankly, but then something like a spark lit up in his eyes. He nodded, slightly too fast, eerily in sync with his heaving chest. Angeal ignored that fact and showed him an encouraging smile. "Brilliant." Without waiting for another reaction, he reached out for Genesis' left hand and closed his fingers firmly around it, ignoring the fact it was covered in blood as well. The smaller hand automatically returned the gesture, less firm, but determined. In a similarly unconscious movement, Angeal pulled Genesis closer, until his head rested lightly against Angeal's shoulder. Genesis was a sensible person, and he had an almost uncanny way of always detecting the tiniest traces of emotion, especially negative ones, no matter how deeply hidden they were, and reflecting them like a mirror. Therefore, Angeal knew that if he wanted him to calm down, he first of all needed to calm down himself, otherwise it was no good. Yet this simple task turned out to be more difficult than explaining a colourblind person the difference between red and purple.
Three years ago it started like this...
He couldn't exactly recall what he had felt when he first realized that the bleeding just wouldn't stop. So much blood covering their hands, the ground, and most of Genesis' clothes, and still kept gushing down like water. Genesis had been so quiet in this moment, so untypically quiet, but looked at him with wide open eyes that screamed in terror. Make it stop. Please, make it stop. Despite the panic, there was this unwavering trust that hurt Angeal almost more than anything else, because Genesis was convinced he would do something, and he just couldn't. Never since his childhood had he felt so weak, so helpless...
Angeal blinked violently to escape that haunting memory. With a mixture of annoyance and fear he realized that he was unable to tell how much time had passed, minutes or only seconds. Genesis' head had sunken against his shoulder, as if he had fallen asleep. Only his half-closed eyes indicated that this was not the case. His breathing was still a bit too shallow, but not as fast as it had been before. Angeal gently brushed a strand of his friend's hair out of his face, to keep it from getting into the half-dried blood. The gesture caused Genesis to lift his head and look up at Angeal. His eyes seemed calm now, almost tired.
"Are you ok?"
Genesis nodded slowly. He took a deep breath, and then announced surprisingly clear: "Could you help me up?"
"You want to get up already? I don't think that's a good idea."
There was no reply, not at once. Genesis' glance slowly drifted over the blood-stained floor again. The sight made him shiver, though he had no idea why. "I shouldn't stay here..." He hadn't planned on actually saying it, but the words came out anyway.
Angeal seemed to think about it for a moment, before he agreed: "You are right." He got up, and held out both hands.
Surprisingly enough, Genesis allowed himself to be pulled up. He didn't even protest when Angeal didn't let go to his arm all the way over to the door. Only when Angeal reached out to open it, he suddenly stopped.
"What is it?" Angeal inquired worriedly.
"I can't walk around like that... People would start talking."
"Let them talk... They do anyway. Besides, what's the big deal? Simple training accident. You know how this works, one uncalculated movement and..."
Genesis decidedly shook his head.
"Ok, if you insist. The room three doors down the hallway has a sink, if I remember correctly."
"And what are we going to do about... this?" He nodded in the direction of the still very visible blood pattern on the floor.
Angeal thought about it for a moment, before he replied: "I'll take care of that. If it's ok to leave you alone for a few minutes." A critical, examining glance.
"Of course it is. Don't look at me like that, I'm perfectly fine. Just let me get that blood off of my face. I really look like I had an unfortunate encounter with someone's fist." With a swift movement, he freed his arm, and started walking briskly down the hallway.
~°oOo°~
The cold water felt nice against his hands, calming, soothing. He had not realized the dull pain in his fingers before. Drowsily, he watched the colourless liquid turning reddish after touching his hands, forming a clear contrast to the white porcelain of the sink. Red and white. Again... There was a faint sickness in his stomach, irritating, since he had no idea what caused it. The blood loss. It has to be. He raised his glance, away from his hands, aimlessly drifting upwards. And then he saw it. The reflection in the mirror, the face that was his, and the same time wasn't. He struggled to retain control and not to back off violently. Calm down. Don't be ridiculous. You are just overreacting.
He closed his eyes for a short moment, no longer than a heartbeat, and forced himself to take a deep breath. Then he opened them again, and said with a surprisingly steady voice: "It's ok. Really."
"Are you sure?"
Damned, he had not even registered that Angeal had meanwhile returned. "Of course I'm sure," he replied, maybe a tad too harsh.
However, Angeal seemed unimpressed. He stepped closer, and rested his hand lightly on Genesis arm. "You don't have to pretend, you know. Not with me."
The light-headedness increased; though Genesis was sure it was not because of the blood loss this time. He felt that weakness again, the desire to just let go and... No, it can't be. "I know that. I'm fine, really." With a final caress, Angeal let go of his arm, and Genesis turned back to the mirror.
No surprise this time. His face looked just like his face. However, he realized the pale tone of his skin, and the feverish, glowing expression in his eyes. Not good. Not good at all... This needs to stop. With a sigh, he leaned over slowly to splash water over his face to clean off the traces of dried blood covering mainly his lips and chin. What a vain effort. Some things can't be washed away that easily. But you know that' don't you?
~°oOo°~
"Don't you have somewhere to be right now?"
"Not anymore."
"You shouldn't do that. It's not necessary. I told you, I was just having a stupid nosebleed, and maybe some minor circulation problems."
"You hyperventilated. That's not what I call 'minor'." Without letting go of him, Angeal pushed the door open and led him into the room. Decidedly, he made Genesis sit down on the bed, before he added: "Ok, here's the deal: I'll pretend what just happened was not an alarm sign, and I won't drag you to the medical department just yet, if you lay down for a while and get some rest."
"I can't. Not here. That's your bed."
If the situation had been just a bit different, Angeal would have laughed about that childish protest. "Listen, silly: My bed is your bed. It has always been like this, and you never minded so far. Besides, we are dating. That means you are not only allowed, but basically expected to use it."
By the looks of it, Genesis needed some time to try and evaluate if this had been a joking remark or something deeper. He obviously decided to interpret it the innocent way, and added a somehow guilty sounding "But what if that bleeding returns? I don't want to… mess up your things." After a short glance over Angeal's chest, he added shyly: "Not more than I did already, I mean."
Angeal briefly followed his gaze. Nothing too serious, just a few blood stains on his uniform top. With an inaudible sigh, he sat down next to Genesis on the bed. "I don't mind, not at all. Just to remind you, this is not the first time I end up covered in blood, and not even the first time that it's yours. Honestly, what do you think is more important to me, that bedcover or you?"
Genesis lowered his eyes. Meanwhile, at least a hint of colour had returned to his cheeks. "I'm being a nuisance again, am I? Sorry…"
"Stop apologizing, there's no need to," Angeal returned. Before the silence became too meaningful, he got up from the bed and walked over to his wardrobe. "Do you want to change your shirt, too? You can have one of mine."
"Yours are at least two sizes too big."
"At least they are clean. Come on, Gen, that's not a fashion show. And I promise I won't tell anyone." He showed Genesis a brief smile, which the other returned dutifully. "Think about it, ok? I just need to make a call, and I'll be right back. Need any help with your boots?"
Genesis shook his head. "Believe it or not, I learned how to untie my shoes before I could even walk properly." And then, as if he was almost sorry for the ironic remark, he added: "You worry too much. I appreciate it, but there's no need to."
When Angeal returned, Genesis had indeed lain down on the bed and moved over to the far left, leaving enough space for a second person. An unspoken invitation? At first, Angeal was not sure what to make out of it, but finally, he decided he could as well take his chances.
It was a rather spacious bed, but their arms were still touching. Not knowing if this was intended or mainly tolerated from Genesis' side, Angeal did not dare to move ever so slightly. He didn't want that contact to be broken, however minor it was. No one spoke for a while, but it was not an uncomfortable silence.
Finally, Angeal turned to study Genesis' face for a while, before he said: "Come on, ask me."
"What do you mean?" Genesis sounded more guilty than confused, like a child caught with the hand in the cookie jar.
"I can see it in your eyes. You are pondering on something, trying to make up your mind whether to ask me or not… I say you should."
"But it's something really stupid…"
"I don't mind."
Genesis hesitated. Eyes still focused on the ceiling, he finally inquired: "Did that happen before? That you… shared this bed with someone else?"
"Other than you, you mean?" Angeal' voice sounded calm as usual. Taken word by word, this was an innocent question, but he knew that Genesis had not intended the literal meaning. He turned to look at the ceiling as well, not because he wanted to postpone the answer, but because he had to think about the right way of putting it. Deep down in your heart, you know the answer anyway, don't you? You just have to. No one can read me like you can. True, I never spelled it out, but I was so certain that you could see in my eyes, every single time... "I tended to avoid that. Bringing someone here, especially if that person is not a fellow member of the army, is just too obvious, you know? Still, it's not like it never happened." He paused, and finally dared to reach out for Genesis' hand, touching it only with the tips of his fingers, before he added: "You know that you can ask me anything in that matter. Just make sure you really want to hear the answer, ok?"
"Ok." Just that, not a single syllable more. Still, Genesis had always had the talent to fit the content of a whole speech into just one word.
"Anyway, there's another reason for your question besides 'just wanting to know', isn't it?"
Genesis sighed softly. When it almost seemed as if he would not reply at all, he finally voiced a counter question: "Remember the confrontation you had with Harvey the other day?"
Angeal turned his head to look at him again: "Is that stupid incident still bothering you? Or did he say anything?"
"No, he didn't. In fact, it's not about him at all. And 'bothering' would be an exaggeration, but…" he did not continue.
"But something keeps haunting you," Angeal did on his behalf.
"You could say so." Genesis seemed to hesitate again, but then he admitted: "It's more about what you said. What you told me afterwards, to be precise. 'No idea so far, but I'd love to find out.'"
"I told you, that was just a silly comment."
"Maybe it wasn't that silly at all. Maybe..." He turned his head to look at Angeal as well, who felt like those bright blue eyes were staring directly to the bottom of his soul, before adding the decisive question: "Do you really want me… in that way?"
So what am I going to do now? Tell you once again that I didn't mean it? That it was just a stupid joke? As it turns out, you never believed me in the first place... So, the only other option is the truth. Still, how exactly am I supposed to tell you that? And can you handle it if I do?
After all, this is something that goes back to our childhood, to the very beginnings of our friendship.
"Why are you asking me, Gennie?"
"Because I want an honest answer," you replied with the most serious expression on your face.
"Are you sure that this is what you really want?"
"Of course, otherwise I wouldn't have asked, would I?" Stubborn. Determined. Reluctant to drop the issue unless you got what you wanted, though I was absolutely certain that my answer would not qualify as satisfactory.
One honest answer and some sulking later, I always pointed out: "See? I told you so."
I knew it. I had known it all along. But even if my answers were occasionally not what you wanted them to be, you could always be sure that they were what you requested in the first place: honest. Whether you - and me equally -liked it or not.
"There might be no simple way to answer to this question, because it crucially depends on how you define 'want' and 'that way'. However, let's try and simplify this by assuming standard definitions apply, with 'want' meaning 'feeling very attracted to' and 'in that way' meaning 'sexually'." For a moment, he wished that this was really just a problem of definitions. "You know me, and you know I'm not going to tell you something that is untrue. Therefore, I can't say that I don't want you in that way, because if did, I would be lying." Ok, and now in a simple and understandable way. "So the answer to your question is 'Yes, as a matter of fact, I do'."
Since there was no reply, no reaction from Genesis' side, he felt the need to explain himself further: "It's something I can't help really. I guess I feel drawn to you not only because you are smart and fascinating, but also because you are very attractive, and I really think it wasn't normal if it was different. I mean, think of the way complete strangers react when you enter the room. Although I don't exactly like it, I can't even blame them. You'd have to be blind in order to look at you and not..."
"Stop it!" Breathless, but very determined. "Please, stop it."
"I apologize if I upset you, but that's the truth."
Genesis took a deep breath. "It's not about that. Maybe you shouldn't talk about others, because what they do and feel means nothing to me. Or maybe I hate being reminded of certain things. Just because I have to put up with staring doesn't mean I appreciate it."
Angeal waited for a moment, before he continued: "Ok, forget about the last part. So I want you. In all honesty, what is so bad about it? Do you really think that changes what you mean to me? Because it doesn't, not at all." And since I'm spilling my heart out anyway... "And if that was bothering you all the time, why didn't you say so? How come that ever since we got together, you never tell me how you feel?"
"Do you think it's that easy?" Those words came out surprisingly hard, almost reproachful. "What if I don't even know that myself?"
"Well, emotions can be confusing sometimes, even I know that."
Genesis' tone changed from annoyed to desperate. "But it's not like me. It's so irritating... It scares me. You know, I was so used to always know exactly what I was feeling, but now I can't even tell the rough direction, not even if it's positive or negative. And no matter how messed-up my feelings were in the past, I was at least able to put that mess into words. Not this time." His sounded clearly upset now, almost close to tears. "I have no words, Angeal. No words."
Angeal didn't really know what to say. "That bad?"
"More than just bad. Words are my world, they're all I have." He took a deep breath. "And now... I don't have any words for you." He looked at Angeal, and for a moment, it seemed like the elements of water and fire were fighting for control in his eyes. "When I first noticed that, I was scared that this lack of words implied you didn't mean enough to me, until I realized that it's quite the opposite. You mean too much to me. Far too much. And even if I had all the words in the world, I still couldn't spell it out the right way."
They just looked at each other, silence falling around them like a silken curtain. Yet again, it was a moment of sheer pure magic, completely suspended in time.
I don't know what I was expecting, but not that... How can I possibly match what you just said? On the spur of the moment, Angeal decided to try anyway: "You know, I never cared much for fancy words. It's your voice that makes them beautiful, and no matter what you say, it will always be poetry to me just because you say it."
Genesis' eyes lit up. "Really?"
"Would I ever lie to you?"
Their hands finally met, fingers searching carefully at first, but finally entwining with the sheer need to feel and to hold on.
"I'm sorry, but the whole situation is still confusing the hell out of me. You... you used to be my best friend."
And with all the honesty he was capable of, Angeal returned: "I am still your best friend. Even if everything changes, this never will."