Welcome back. This chapter's up way sooner than the rest of them, but its summer and we're in a writing mood.
That's right, and I'm sticking around. I am the humorous part of Winged Ether, after all.
And here I was thinking I could do something without you finding out.
Well you thought wrong.
Nyx: Okay, while those two are arguing, I'll do the disclaimer. Winged Ether does not own Legend of Zelda or Pokémon. They own nothing, so stop asking!
Chapter 5: Link, Master of Suicide
The first room of Dragon Roost Cavern Link entered was a small room with three statues. "Hey, it's somewhat cool in here. Unlike outside where it was freaking hot!"
"Don't get used to it. The room after the next is filled with lava." Tetra said, looking through the strategy guide.
"Can't you be useful and use that thing to tell me where I'm supposed to go?" Link asked.
"No. I'm your partner, not your walkthrough. I'll give you hints every now and then, but for the most part, figure it out yourself."
"That barely made sense."
"It doesn't have to. Now get going!"
Link pulled the blocks around until a hole to the next room was revealed. "Wow, I didn't know I was strong enough to move blocks twice my size."
"You're a Fighting-type. It can't be that surprising." Tetra pointed out.
"I guess you're right. Hey, a hole!" Link entered the next room and saw two Grumpigs. "Finally, something not civilized for me to kill!"
"Actually, we're much more civilized than you barbarians." One of the Grumpigs said with a slight British accent.
"Shut up!" Link yelled, slaughtering them both. "How dare you say you're better than me?"
"Aw Link, you're so violent! I love it!" Tetra cheered.
"Enough for a romantic relationship?" Link asked hopefully.
"Not in this life."
Link though for a moment. "What about my next life?"
"We'll see." Tetra said.
Link shrugged and decided that was good enough. He looked at the ground and noticed a disk. "What's this?"
"It looks like a TM. Strange, there were supposed to be sticks on fire in this part."
"But there weren't any sticks on fire. What's this for then?"
"It probably teaches you a move that lights things on fire. I mean, you do use a combination of weapons and Pokémon moves to get through this story." Tetra said.
"Yeah but, what's wrong with sticks on fire?"
"I don't know. It's better this way, if you think about it. This way you don't need the sticks, you can just set things on fire yourself."
"I suppose." Link said, using the TM. "What move was that, anyway?"
"I think it was Will-O-Wisp."
"I thought Riolus couldn't use that move. Also, I didn't even know that was a TM in the first place."
"Will you stop questioning the mechanics of this story and get a move on, already?" Tetra screamed.
Link used Will-O-Wisp on the two unlit torches, making a chest appear. "Sweet, I can use fire! This is the best thing I've gotten all dungeon!"
"That's the only thing you've gotten all dungeon."
"No, I got a bottle." Link reminded her. Tetra growled softly but said nothing.
The Riolu opened the chest, used the key inside to unlock the door, and entered. "Damn, it's hot in here. I hate fire dungeons!"
"Stop being a pussy. Just go and don't accidentally fall into the lava." Tetra commanded.
"Oh come on." Link said to her, not looking where he was going. "Do you really think I'm that stup- AHH!" Link screamed as he walked over the ledge straight into the lava. When he respawned back by the door, Tetra decided to add insult to injury.
"Yes, I do."
Link didn't hear her though; he was too busy cursing from the intense pain. "OH ****! I can't believe I ****ing did that! And on the first ****ing time in here!" What kind of ****ing idiot am I? Oh ********!"
"Wow, you're a real pussy. You just died by falling in lava and was brought back to life by plot necessity, and you still can't curse properly and not censor yourself."
"I can't help it." Link whined as he rubbed his burnt everywhere. "It's my nature."
"Yeah, well you're nature sucks! Plot necessity is only going to help you so much, so unless you want to end up like those skulls over there, I suggest you don't do that again!"
"Uh, okay." Link said, making his way around the large room, burning Zubats with his new Will-O-Wisp attack. He blew up the large rock with a bomb, grabbed the dungeon map, and entered a new, darker, and cooler room.
"This it much better." Link said, closing his eyes and enjoying the moment. All of a sudden, a Grumpig with a sword burst out from behind a bunch of boards.
"SNEAK ATTACK!" It screamed. Link stabbed it in the heart and killed it in one hit, eyes still closed.
Link opened his eyes afterwards. "Well that was a nice move, retard."
He proceeded through this part, using his enemies' swords and Will-O-Wisp to get through until he found the key, then left back to the large, lava-filled room.
"I did it! I got the key! I am unstoppable, nothing can stop me- AHH! IT BURNS!" We think this is self-explanatory.
"Oh, at this rate all my mis-colored fur will be burnt off by the end of the dungeon." Link whimpered after he respawned at the door.
"You know, I've been meaning to ask you about that. Why do you look that way?" Tetra asked from her stone.
"My Grandma's birthday present to me was radioactive goop that turned my fur green." Link explained. "By the way, how come you haven't made fun of me for it? It seems so out of character for you."
"I read a little too far into the strategy guide." Tetra admitted. "Let's just say that if I said anything about it, it might end up being hypocritical later on."
Link was still in too much pain to bother asking. After he stopped feeling like fried Torchic, he blew up the giant rock, went through the locked door, killed all the Dittos and Grumpig, and went outside.
"No lava. I like this place already." Link said, running onto the bridge and doing battle with the Grumpig there. Since Link was the hero, a few erratic spin attacks and sword slashes took care of the enemy.
"I rock!" Link yelled, before noticing that he had accidently cut all the ropes attaching the bridge. Cartoon physics kicked in and the bridge plummeted into the water below. "CURSE YOU GAME MECHANICS!"
Link was revived for the third time at the door. "I hate this place so much!"
"Just wait till you get to the Earth Temple. You'll really be crying for mommy then." Tetra said.
"My mom's dead!" Link yelled.
"So is mine, so you'll get no sympathy for me!" Tetra yelled back.
"Can you stop talking to that stone and fight me?" The Grumpig, who had somehow come back after Link fell, asked.
"GO AWAY!" Link growled, killing it. He was back to his bad mood, and made his way through this part grumbling curses under his breath. They increased in intensity after he passed the first lava spout and managed to kill the Skarmory, only to end up getting blasted by the second lava spout and back into the water, forcing him to respawn again.
"Why do these things keep happening to me?"
He climbed back up again, avoided the spouts, killed the Skarmory again, and blew up the rock to enter the door. "A block puzzle. Please Tetra; just tell me how to solve this one!"
"Alright, you've suffered enough. Here's how." She told him how and he solved it, entering the next room.
"Link!" King of Red Lions's voice rang out, somehow from Tetra's stone. "There are Rattatas in here that you can feed bait to and they'll sell you stuff. You may want to check that out."
"What bait? I don't have any bait, Thomas." Link said, confused on how he was talking to the boat in the first place.
"What are you doing, talking through my stone?" Tetra questioned, and if one could see her, she would have looked extremely pissed off. "If I ever find you in person, I'll cut off your wooden head, do you hear me?" King wisely decided to stop talking through the stone.
Link grabbed the compass and key and left the room. He was back outside the volcano. He killed the Skarmory further up, took the key sitting in its nest, and entered the door back into the cavern.
"It's dark in here." Link said, lighting a ball of fire in his hand. "Man, I love this move." Unfortunately, the light attracted a bunch of Zubats, which caused Link to panic and swing his sword around randomly, somehow hitting all of them. He lit the torches and ran into the next room.
"Oh crap! Lava!" Link despaired, staying as far from the edge as possible.
"You have to cross the bridge Link." Tetra said.
"No way, I'm not doing it! I'm not dying again!" Link said.
"If you want out of this dungeon, you have to cross that bridge. So get going, now!" Tetra screamed.
Link gulped and began crossing the bridge, trying to stay away from both sides. Only problem was, he was moving slower than a Slugma, and Tetra didn't have the patience to tolerate that.
"HURRY UP ALREADY!" This startled Link and caused him to fall over the edge. He respawned again.
"I do believe that's the fourth time. Aren't we only halfway through the dungeon?"
"I hate you." Link deadpanned.
After he felt better, Link crossed the bridge, killed the Grumpigs in the next room, and left. The next room had, you guessed it, lava.
"I can already tell something bad is going to happen to me." Link said, glaring at the Skorupi on the lone platform on the lava. He jumped onto the platform.
"Now die- what the-?" The Skorupi reared back and rammed into him, sending him into the lava.
"What the hell?" Link yelled, jumping back onto the platform after he came back. The Skorupi rammed him about four more times. By the fourth time, Link was seething in anger.
"Please, you can't beat me." The Skorupi said with a bored look on its face. "This place is suited to me, and quite frankly, I'm better than you."
This made Link snap. "You are not better than me! No one is better than me!"
"I am." Tetra spoke up.
"Okay, maybe she is, but you are definitely not! Prepare to die horribly!" Link jumped onto the platform and stabbed his sword straight through the Skorupi's body, causing it to disappear in purple smoke. He left this room and ended up in the next one.
"Hey look Link! It's the boss door!" Tetra pointed.
"Yeah, but I can't get to it without the boss key. Plus, it's too far away to get to."
"I guess you're right. You need the boss key and the new item you get."
"I get a new item? Sweet!" Link cheered.
"Yup, and its right through the door blocked by the big rock. I just realized that there are a lot of those in this dungeon."
Link blew up the rock and ran outside. He ran up the stairs, and started panicking and going faster when he realized that the stairs were falling behind him. He made it to the top of the stairs and collapsed.
"Yeah, I probably should have told you about that."
"You think?"
"Hey, is that Medli?" Tetra asked.
"What?" Link turned and saw Medli in a cell guarded by two Grumpigs. "Oh no."
"Link! Abouttimeyougothere! Comeandkilltheseguys!" She said.
"I don't really want to, but I will." Link killed the enemies, only for a Skarmory to drop a Granbull in as well.
"Shoot." Link said. He didn't actually have to do anything though, because the Granbull recognized him from the Forsaken Fortress and committed suicide, preferring death to dealing with Link's insanity and/or stupidity. The bars holding Medli went up and she ran out to greet him.
"Youdidit! Hooray! Ifoundoutwhat'swrongwithValoo!"
"What is it?"
"There'samonster. Itsdoingthingstohistail!"
"By things, do you mean-" Link began.
"Idon'tmeananythingsexuallyrelated."
"Darn."
"I'llgobackdownandtelleveryone. Yougoonahead. Here,you'llneedthis." She gave him a grappling hook.
"Sweet, my new item!"
"Doyouneedtolearnhowtouseit?" Link was already gone by the time she finished, having using the grappling hook to leave. "Guessnot. Ohwell. Bye!" She flew back down, somehow having learned to fly properly while going through the cavern.
Link, meanwhile, had come to another room with a bridge above lava. Link carefully walked across and fought the Grumpigs, but a lucky shot by one knocked him into the lava. When he respawned, Link snapped again.
"I can't take this anymore! This is like, the tenth time I've died in this dungeon, and I'm sick of it!"
"Yeah, are you cursed or something? You're like, the master of suicide." Tetra said.
"I don't try to kill myself! It just happens!" Link whined.
"Yeah, your luck is pretty sucky."
"Tell me about it! I'd be better of blindfolded! Wait a minute." Link fished around in his invisible storage space for a bit, then pulled out a blindfold. "Perfect!"
"Are you serious Link?" Tetra asked as she watched him put on the blindfold. "Do you really think that will work?"
"I can't do any worse than I'm doing now."
"Yeah, but I really don't think covering your eyes will help you get through this dungeon."
Link made it to the room with the boss key completely unscathed.
"…Wow. You luck is both horrible and amazing at the same time." Tetra quipped.
"Yup, I'm awesome that way." Link said, taking off the blindfold and grabbing the boss key. "Let's go." He said, putting it back on.
He made it back to the room with the boss door. "Smooth sailing from here." Link said, taking off the blindfold again and using the grabbling hook to swing across the lava and kill the Skorupi before it could knock him into the lava. He used the boss key on the door and entered.
Upon entering, Link saw a huge pool of lava and Valoo's flaming Charizard tail above. All of a sudden, a huge brown and orange Pokémon with metal plating emerged from the lava roaring loudly and spewing fire.
"Whoa. That's the biggest Heatran I've ever seen. Granted, it's the only Heatran I've ever seen, but still." Link awed.
"I am Gohma! Who are you?" Gohma bellowed.
"Um… I'm Link. Why are you pulling on Valoo's tail?" Link asked, trying to make small talk and stall his inevitable doom.
"I'm trying to make love with my Valoo, but the only part of him in here is his tail, which isn't very interesting. So I'm trying to pull the rest of him down here!" Gohma said.
"For the last time, woman, we're not involved! Stop insisting that we are!" Valoo yelled, having heard Gohma. "If you pull my tail one more time, I'm coming down there and showing you the true definition of 'hard love'!"
"So you say, dear." Gohma turned her attention back to Link. "You're interrupting my time with Valoo. I'm going to have to kill you."
"Shoot. Please let this work." Link prayed, throwing the grappling hook above Gohma's head. It wound around Valoo's tail, pulling on it and pulling Link above Gohma. It was only then that he remembered that Valoo was a Charizard with a flame at the end of his tail, and that his grappling hook was a rope.
"I didn't think this through very well." Link said to himself, making a last desperate swing that landed him on the platform high above the ground just as the rope burned through. "Well this is just great."
Valoo, however, felt Link's tugging, and mistaking it for Gohma's, roared, "THAT'S IT! I WARNED YOU!" He ripped out the rock blocking him from getting into the room and flew down, proceeding to violently beat up Gohma. When he was finished and flew back up, all her armor was destroyed and she was lying motionless halfway in the lava pool.
"Woo hoo! I won and I barely had to do anything!" Link cheered, hopping down to the ground.
"Um, Link? She's not dead yet." Tetra said, looking at the guide again.
"What?"
"AHA! Now nothing's stopping me from murdering you! TIME TO DIE!" Gohma screeched, rising back up and slamming both front feet down on either side of Link, preventing escape.
"AHH! I'M NOT PREPARED FOR THIS!" Link screamed.
"Stop being a girl and try the blindfold again or something!" Tetra yelled.
"Hey, you're right! It worked before, why not now?" He quickly put on the blindfold and stabbed Gohma right in the eye as she leaned forward to breathe fire. She gave a loud screech of pain before burning up and vanishing in a large burst of smoke.
"That's right, I rock." Link said as he grabbed the heart container.
"Please, you would have died if it wasn't for me." Tetra smirked.
"Maybe. But the point is that Gohma's dead, so we can get the hell out of here and get my shiny orb from Komali."
"Heh, good for you Link."
"That's right, everything finally worked out in the end. My luck is back to normal." Link said. He tripped over his own feet walking to the portal.
"Not a single word, Tetra. Not a single word." Link growled. He entered the magic portal and disappeared.