Chapter 3
What I do to you
~Chimera~
'Yes', 'No', 'um…yes', 'ok', 'of course'. These are the words I struggle with everyday. No more raising my hand in mid air, no more whacking Ronald on the back of his head when he says something stupid, no more telling Mr. Binns that the Goblin war was in 1672 and not 1726.
Where is the old Hermione Granger? Where is know-it-all insufferable Granger, or bookworm Granger?
Honestly? I do not know, but I do know where she would most likely be. In the arms of that stranger.
I have spent nights and days in the arms of either Ron or Harry in the common room, waiting to fall asleep, find peace, or at least cry out some of my pain. But to no avail. I still wonder how it is possible that I revealed all of my feelings to that stranger, but I cannot, under no circumstances, do this in front of my friends. I have even tried talking to Ginny about it, but no…that didn't work either.
Maybe it's because they were related to me before this…incident took place in my life. Or maybe it's because he never said anything to me about it. Or maybe he was just the perfect person in the perfect place at the perfect time… then again, maybe not.
I look up from my half eaten plate. Harry and Ron are talking about Quidditch, Ginny is having a quarrel with Lavender about some new makeup spell, Neville is eating his lunch while glancing towards Luna at the Ravenclaw table, and while I stretch my eyes further, I can see Pansy Parkinson clinging to Malfoy as though he was the last man on Earth. Yes, life does go on…or at least other's life. The same story every year, though Harry was right, Malfoy is a bit strange this year. But since when do I care… all I care about right now is my newly found drug. I never thought I could get so tangled up in something in such short a time. I've only spent minutes with him, doing and speaking absolutely nothing, and here I am, an addict. Maybe our future is really set for us from the start, maybe I was meant to fall for him. But I don't believe such rubbish. If I hadn't looked for a free compartment I would have never encountered him, if I hadn't of been so vulnerable I would have never given him the chance to be there for me, I would have hexed his ass as quickly as you would say "hex". No, nothing is settled from the start. I just happen to cling to something. Yes, that must be it. I needed a change, and he came. I hate how everyone does the same thing every year, says the same thing only in a different phrasing, plays the same games, has the same goals and complaints. This year is nothing like my last, my life is nothing like the previous, but everything around me seems to be the same…everything beside him.
Potions, Charms, Transfiguration, Potions… everything passes by me. What do I care what McGonagall has to say about turning my quill into a tea cup, what do I care if Snape takes another 10 points from our house because Ronald tripped over Malfoy's foot?
I don't. Never will. Certainly have in the past. Why do we even come to this school? All this knowledge can be found in books. I can even give them a list if they find the task too appalling. This is just a waste of my time. But then again what would I do with my time anyway? I feel lost. I've never felt this way. I was always ready and I always had a backup plan, just in case. Nothing could catch me unprepared. Until now. Is it not strange to find love a task? It's like a new, different school lecture that I find myself unprepared for. The feelings I have now didn't come with a manual.
I sit myself at dinner and my plate fills up with delicious food that I find hard to swallow. Why eat? Food doesn't taste anymore. It looks good, but I feel like I'm eating straws and I'm sure there is nothing wrong with it, because at my left, Ronald is stuffing his face with it. But then again, Ronald would even eat straws. Malfoy on the other hand seems to share my opinion. He's not touching his food, only glaring at it. Pansy misses her mouth while glancing at him. It's funny, she's a complete imbecile, but somehow I don't feel like laughing, in other circumstances I might even feel a bit of pity towards the obnoxious girl. That has to be the day when they finally declare me mentally incompetent.
'Excuse me.' I say and go out of the room.
I keep doing this. Wandering the school corridors and even the grounds at night. Somehow, in the back of my mind and heart I think I'm hopping he'll come to me again if I were alone. But he never does.