Chapter 7

The Unfounded Proposition

In which we flashback to when Zizes takes over Puck's mind, and then we go back to the van.

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*Tuesday Night, Lauren's House*

Puck didn't have a lot of solid rules he tried to follow (aside from the law, but that's like, obvious…and dependable), but rule number one in the world according to Puckster was when his lady called for him, he answered.

No matter where he was, or whatever possible pranks he could be pulling, he came running, (mostly because there was a chance he would get to mack on her, which being the red-blooded, macho male that he just happened to be was a far superior pastime than mildly ruining someone else's day). There was always the chance that she just wanted to talk, but unlike most chicks Lauren's chatter was only about the most badass of subjects, so he didn't mind. Also, one flash of the bulldog eyes (not puppy dog, Puckzilla was too cool for that) usually made her laugh enough that a good mood was guaranteed, so the making out would probably happen anyway.

Either way, he was golden.

His lady was ready and waiting by the time he crawled through her window (her mother liked to pretend she didn't hear the doorbell whenever he showed up, and it didn't hurt that Lauren had this strange fascination with like, ninjas, and sneaking totally turned her on). There was an empty chair set up in front of a cork board, covered with miscellaneous pictures tacked up beside graphs and random scribbles.

So, strategy meeting.

He could do that.

See, his lady was a game changer. While other people sat around and took satisfaction in being the miserable couch potatoes they were, she trucked on. She didn't wait for things to happen; she got out there and made them happen, taking matters into her own hands. Sure, sometimes it backfired (like the whole Lucy Caboosey thing, and that sex tape that could have gotten them arrested) but if Pizizes were anything, they weren't quitters.

He wasn't sure what she wanted to achieve during the summer though, usually her plans revolved around becoming more popular, and that was kind of hard to do if you didn't have access to a mass of impressionable, unsuspecting teenagers from which you could take advantage of/appeal to/boss around.

The glee club didn't count; they were above Pizizes ability to manipulate. Something about being outcasts made them all, "secure in their own decisions" or something.

Whatever, maybe she found a way around all that.

He sat in the chair with easy familiarity, settling himself in for the long haul (these things could go either way time wise, and with that much stuff on the board he would have to be dreaming to think he could get out of here any time soon).

"So," she began, not bothering with any foreplay (God, he loved that about her). "I had an interesting visit from Mike the other day-"

He sat forward quickly, anger welling up. "What the hell did that spazz do now? Did he try to choke you?"

It seemed to be the dancer's choice of attack nowadays; all that dancing must have made his fingers really strong.

Lauren raised an eyebrow at him dubiously, holding a hand up for silence and Puck sat back in his chair, remembering who he was talking to.

Yeah, there was no way the Asian got anywhere near his lady.

"I'm fine, and so is he after I finally got my phone back in proper, working condition."

He opened his mouth to interrupt but the hand came back up. "Don't worry about it," she ordered, waving it off. "There was a lot of yapping going on that I didn't really pay too much attention to, something about the 'destructive nature of your stupidity'."

Puck tried to object but she waved him into submission, carrying on, "But what I'm really getting from all this is that you and Mikey-boy have a little something going on."

She raised her eyebrows suggestively, though Puck didn't really get it at first (of course they had "something" going on, Mike had all but declared war on his throat) but then the funny tone and eyebrows kind of click and Puck recoiled back in disgust, clutching his head.

"You serious?" he asked, about ready to bail this Popsicle stand (he couldn't make out with her now, not after such horrible accusations had come out of her mouth), but Lauren held up a placating hand, preparing to explain her crazy, mad person conclusions.

Puck settled down (not sulking), still trying to erase those thoughts from his mind.

Sure, he might have disregarded looks for her, but she was superbly badass. Mike was not, and even if he was Puckzilla couldn't really ignore the special kind of junk he had in his trunk.

Male tail was not his thing. That was strictly Kurt's area of expertise.

"You're reading this all wrong," Lauren explained, and now it was his turn to look at her incredulously (because he's pretty sure he wasn't). "This," she continued, eyes fixed on his. "Is an opportunity."

This might have been the place where he said "How so?" and then she continued off on her rant, but like he said, his lady's a game changer, so she kept going without his input, pointing to some random photos on the board.

"These," she said, tone victorious. "Are pimps. Not prostitute-running pimps; we're not aiming to make money here, as nice as that would be. These are social pimps, playahs, winners, complete and total dominators of the party scene social construct."

Puck nodded slowly, indicating she hadn't lost him so she kept going, pointing to a graph. "Now in the high school social system a pimp is one of the tops dogs, mostly because he or she is a rare occurrence." She pointed to another picture of a guy cozying up to at least three different females and another dude. "Pimps get tail. They get all kinds of it; they date more than one person because no one person could possibly handle all that sexual energy focused solely on them."

It goes without saying that she was the exception to this rule, and she paused, pointing to a yearbook picture of Mike, blown up and posted with the greatest of care.

"We have the opportunity to make you a pimp. You know how guys find it sexy when two girls get it on? Well, the reverse is same for girls, and unlike the rest of your gender females are only too happy to express their gratitude with their unadulterated adulation."

Puck blinked slowly, trying to process this and Lauren sighed, putting a hand on her hip. "I'm saying if you date me and Mike there will be nothing to stop you from being a McKinley superstar. No more slushies, no more name calling, no more getting trapped in porter potties; only loud, unreserved glory." She began to gleefully count things off on her fingers, smirking at him. "I'm talking prime time cafeteria seating, I'm talking a specially reserved parking space, nerds to do your homework, hell, they'll probably start bringing you slushies just so they could get the honor of getting an icy facial from the only pimp McKinley has ever seen."

She paused again, looking at him almost fondly. "Think of it Puckerman, we could rule this school."

He did like the sound of that, but...

There was one huge problem he could see that he didn't think was going to go away any time soon.

Well, that and the fact he didn't want to make out with Mike even a little bit.

He looked at her doubtfully, scratching the side of his head. "I thought it was pretty clear after all the stuff that happened with Kurt that this town wasn't ready for that kind of thing."

But she has prepared for this argument and motioned over to an overlooked corner of the board bearing pictures of Pizizes and the Asian Fusion.

"That's because Kurt doesn't posses a certain fondness for the female figure. With you being hooked up with my fine body and Mike likewise engaged with Tina, whom I've already run this past…" she trailed off, smiling at him evilly. "You play both sides Puckerman, and there's no way this can fail."

He likes the sound of this…he liked the sound of this a lot.

It solved all kinds of problems. First of all there was no way he would be an outcast anymore, his pimp glory have spread all over the school and no one would dare mess with him because seriously, who messed with pimps, and by association no one could mess with the glee club.

Maybe they would even get some new members and totally smack down at Nationals next year.

…he needed to get a hat, with a feather.

Wait…that would cover his Mohawk.

Scratch the hat.

And, he could follow the law while still being the king of McKinley's underworld. He wouldn't even have to pull pranks anymore (not that he would stop, a guys gotta do something with his free time, idle hands and all) because he would automatically be the baddest of bad.

This plan was pure win.

However…

He scratched the side of his head again and gave her a skeptical look. "I still don't want to make out with Mike."

Or hold hands with him, or cuddle, or do any of the normal stuff you usually did with a chicks (because Puck would be the dude of the relationship, besides the obvious reasons, he wasn't the one who had spent the last week freaking out over nothing like a pansy).

Lauren looked at him coldly, arms crossed with a small smile on her face. "You're being selfish Puck."

He opened his mouth to object, because he was willing to do just about anything for her but come on...

She continued in a way that suggested she was expecting this argument. "Look at yourself," she said, gesturing to his body. "You are smoking hot, you are a beast of raging testosterone, you are the epitome of the male physique."

He nodded along; so far he had no objections to her obvious truth, and her smile broadened, a playfulness sneaking into her eyes.

"What I'm saying here is how could you possibly do Mike such a great disservice?"

And…she'd lost him.

He blinked at her slowly, because right now he didn't give two cents about Mike and things that may-or-may not be related to him and she, catching sight of his confusion, explained, nodding thoughtfully.

"Clearly he has some sort of…repressed sexual desires for you, it's only natural of course, you being you…" she trailed off, and the smile went evil again. "Could you really leave him hanging? Think about it, if ever I am unavailable you have a pair of lips eagerly waiting to fulfill your wildest fantasies."

He balked at that, for like, a minute, but then he saw where she was going with this.

She was right, what kind of bro would he be if he just left Mike out in the cold like that (now all those tantrums are starting to make sense) and Lauren was pretty much giving him the go ahead to make out with someone else whenever she wasn't in the mood.

Sure, that someone else was Mike, but anything in a pinch…

He smiled slowly, seeing the rainclouds coming to bring an end to his awful drought.

Yeah, this plan was nothing but win.

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*Wednesday Night, stakeout van*

There was some pretty good stuff happening inside the room (Mike's voice kept doing this weird thing where it jumped an octave every once and a while, which filled the lulls whenever Kurt and the others started getting too far into the emotional gushy stuff), so Finn was pretty good with missing out on that James Bond marathon that was supposed to be playing tonight (because hands-on spying was much more fun than watching somebody else do it, even if he didn't have the budget to blow up cars).

Mike did a lot of moving for a guy that was handcuffed to a bed (which made that phone call Finn got from Rachel make so much more sense now), at least, whenever he felt like moving. Mike seemed to be alternating between doing that and staying absolutely frozen. Like, Finn would have forgotten the dancer was there if the camera Puck was wearing didn't keep showing a constant picture of his side.

Finn really wished Puck would lie down or something, then he could finally see what was so cool that was on the ceiling.

Seriously, Mike would not take his eyes off it.

Finn wished he was inside. If he was there then he could support Mike (and see the ceiling) and not look like a creeper sitting in a parked car (Artie had made him put his hood on to avoid detection). Also, he was starting to get a little concerned because Mike looked a little green. Or…greener.

There was a knock on his side window, and Finn tore his gaze away from the screen long enough to see a confused Sam tapping hesitantly, probably wondering if it was really them.

Man, their disguises must be better than Finn had thought they were.

Artie had clicked open the door before Finn could reach for the handle, and Sam entered obediently, closing the door behind him before he scoped out the equipment, blinking in surprise when he saw the monitor.

"Are you guys spying?" he asked, leaning over Finn to get a better look, to see if he was seeing what he thought he was seeing.

Finn leaned back slowly, sharing a smug grin with Artie.

Yeah, it was pretty intense.

Professor X (Puck had given him the codename, and Finn had taken over Condor, with Artie's permission) answered quickly, not taking his eyes off the screen. "Yes," he whispered, waving at the blond vaguely. "Now quiet down, something good might happen."

Sam nodded slowly and turned to Finn, lowering his voice so as not to disturb Artie. "Mercedes told me there was something going down with Mike tonight. I was concerned."

Which was reasonable, seeing as the glee club had a tendency to…be the glee club.

Sneaking and drama were pretty much requirements by this point.

"Soul intervention," Finn explained, and Sam nodded again, even though he really didn't get it.

Finn didn't get it either, but it was important. Mike needed to feel like part of the team, and what better way to show that they careed than to handcuff him to a bed?

It was strictly for moral support and friendship and stuff, nothing else.

There was another lull and Mike wasn't flailing or yelling so Finn allowed Sam some more of his attention, sending him a conspiratory smile. "Came to see how it went?"

"Yep," Sam replied, giving him a thumbs up.

Sure he did…and Finn was the son of a monkey.

(He wasn't)

Artie must be bored by the lull too, because he chose to join their conversation. "What is it with you guys and hating phones?"

Sam shrugged helplessly, but Finn had a good feeling why and covered for him, answering vaguely, "It's not the same."

So...Sam and Mercedes, who'd a thought it?

Artie frowned at the screen, tapping the side of his face thoughtfully. "Is it weird that Puck seems offended that Mike doesn't want to make out with him?"

Finn pondered this question for about a second before Sam kind of flailed beside him, looking back and forth between them questioningly. "What the hell did I miss?"

Oh…right, he didn't have the full story.

Fair enough.

The quarterback shrugged and handed over the bag of Teriyaki beef jerky (food always made things easier for Finn to digest, no pun intended), frowning as he tried to remember exactly where this had all begun.

Sam accepted the bag easily but didn't make a move to open it (which he should have because it was awesome) and Finn and Artie shared a look, the Professor gesturing for Condor to begin, and Finn shrugged nonchalantly, giving the screen one last look (because awesomeness could just be around the corner) but they're still just talking so he gave Sam his full attention, explaining things as best he can.

"So Puck wanted to get them counseling…"

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Endnotes:

I know, I know, this is shorter than my other chapters, I just figured you'd enjoy getting a little something while I awaited my muse to enlighten me with further inspiration.

Thank you kindly to everyone who reviewed the last chapter, Gabwr, Rogue Ranger, and PlotterFTW. Your reviews are like presents, so like every time I post a chapter it's like my birthday, which is incredibly awesome!

So we have a little back story on how Puck came to be so intent on the whole making out with Mike thing and I'm pretty sure Zizes is becoming one of my favorite characters, at least for this story.

Until next time.