Warnings: Cursing. Angst. Violence. Angst. Dream sequence.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, Sasuke, Sakura or anyone else. I'm just borrowing them for the purpose of this story. No profit. Only the writing/plot/setting is mine.

Edit: July 4, 2005. Nothing major (just a change of notes/title).

Edit: August 14, 200. Gramatical changes. Restructured chapters.

愛 Something of Love: Ai no Koto
の
事

Chapter Seven

"Everyone, be quiet," Iruka's voice cut through the dull chatter as easily as ever, and the students lowered their voices before finally cutting off last minute remarks. Naruto put down his pencil to listen to his homeroom teacher's speech. He grinned up at the man when he realized Iruka's gaze was directed at him.

"Everyone realizes that we have a short break coming up, correct?" Iruka smiled as the students nodded empathetically. "For the celebration of our school's founding...? Right. In any case, a few teachers have organized a bit of community service—" a few students shifted in their seats. "—and I want you to help out as much as you can." He started to hand out papers to each row. "For those of you interested, please sign your name under the type of work you'd like to do." Naruto eyed the yellow paper dubiously, and skimmed the headings. "Later, you'll be divided into three-man teams to get your job done, so don't pick something based on what your friends are doing. It's more likely that you'll be assigned to a group from various classes."

Naruto perked up at the last statement, and tried to think of the least time-consuming, easiest job. Hmm...picking up trash and hanging bird houses? Bike riding and picking up trash...building a children's playground...ugh, gardening...definitely the first one. Maybe Shikamaru and me will be in the same team, Naruto thought optimistically and scribbled his name.

After a few minutes, the rest of his class made up their minds and the papers were passed up the rows. Iruka collected the yellow sheets with a satisfied smile, and returned to the podium. He held up a small packet. "Listen, the next part of this homeroom is devoted towards a short test that won't affect your grades at all—"

Vocal complaints from the class could be heard under the shuffle of papers and chairs.

Iruka tried to frown, but a smile lurked at the corner of turned lips. "—but I want you to try your best." Naruto picked up his pencil. "This is to help you choose your career path, and that's not a small matter." He went on about the importance of a career for a few minutes while Naruto doodled a picture of Iruka riding a big bird. In his picture, Iruka looked terrified. "So I want you to put your best effort into it, okay?"

Naruto yawned and Iruka turned to look at the boy. "I don't wanna," he complained and put his pencil down again. "I've already decided what I'm going to be!" he proclaimed, and his grin widened to a foxish smirk.

Iruka sighed, and tried to resume his 'teacher' expression. "Naruto, even though you have an idea of what you're going to be—"

"I'm gonna be—"

"—you need to be realistic—"

"—gonna become great! I'm going to surpass everyone from Konoha and protect all my—"

Iruka cleared his throat. Naruto broke off, and waited patiently. A few of his classmates giggled. "But how are you going to do that, Naruto?" Iruka gently chided. "It's great that you've got an idea, but this test—"

Naruto rolled his eyes and returned to drawing.

Just you wait, Iruka-sensei...I'm going to achieve my dreams.

Naruto hummed a little as he went through the glass doors. 7-11's cheerful music clashed with his tune, but he didn't pay it any mind. As he pulled at his shirt's collar and resituated his school bag, Naruto walked toward the break room. Much to his surprise, a tall, slender young man blocked his path. "Er..." Naruto's eyes shifted from the man to the doorway. He smiled a little, and hesitantly gestured to the time-clock. "I, uh, need to sign in—" he began, and the sweet, apologetic expression changed to one of quiet surprise.

Behind a pair of circular lenses, black eyes widened slightly. "Aaa, Uzumaki-san, isn't it?" Naruto's eyes ran over the tall man's features, and he blinked in quiet surprise. This young man appeared to be as normal as any native Japanese...except for his...hair. Why gray? Why would anyone wanna dye their hair gray?

Naruto stared stupidly at the man. "Um...call me Naruto...everyone does," he blinked. "And, uh, why are you...?"

With a quiet laugh and another apologetic smile, the older man moved aside. "I'm sorry, Naruto-kun, I hadn't realized you were my co-worker...my shift started an hour ago." He inclined his head to the smaller blond. "My name is Yakushi Kabuto," for a moment the florescent lights reflected over his glasses and Naruto couldn't see the wide, innocent black eyes. "It's a pleasure,"

Naruto bowed stiffly. He inclined only his shoulders and barely looked away from the laughing gaze. "Aaah, Yakushi-san...I didn't know we were getting another person—"

"Mm, I believe Kyoko-san wanted a bit more time to herself," Kabuto's smile didn't waver, "and so they called me in. But it's pointless to keep someone for only an hour—" Naruto swallowed, "—so I'll be here for the remainder of the day." Naruto nodded, and started to move towards the sign-in station. As he pulled out his time-sheet, he heard Kabuto cough quietly. Naruto turned to regard him. "And you can call me Kabuto, Naruto-kun,"

With a grin, Naruto nodded. "Here, let me show you around—" his laughter almost swallowed the sentence, "—and we can work on restocking, huh?" Kabuto's gentle smile didn't waver, and Naruto's grin only widened.

The next few hours passed with quick and hyper chatter from the normally bored teenager. Kabuto had as much to teach Naruto as the younger boy had to teach the gray-haired man, Naruto quickly found out. He knows all kinds of tricks to keeping busy without doing the hard stuff...cool. And, and...he doesn't mind that I look different. He just...treats me like he does anyone else, Naruto thought happily. He's nice.

Finally, the doors opened to admit a quietly grumbling Shikamaru. Naruto waved cheerfully to his friend, and excitedly said, "Hey, Shikamaru—look! I have someone to talk to now! This is Kabuto, and uh, Kabuto, this is my friend from school, Shikamaru. He's really lazy and stuff, but he's nice," Shikamaru sighed loudly at the introduction, but Kabuto only laughed.

"Why don't you go do something productive and help your new co-worker out a little, huh?" Shikamaru rolled his eyes. "And you called me lazy," he complained. Once again, Kabuto only smiled his sweet smile and waved the two away.

"No, don't worry about it. There's not much to do around here anyways." He politely moved to another section of the 7-11 and left Naruto and Shikamaru to chat.

Naruto grinned, as if to say, see? I toldja he was cool, but aloud he laughed, "Na, Shikamaru...what didja sign up for? I'm gonna be doing the birdhouse hanging thing, and cleaning up somewhere...?"

Shikamaru smiled with amusement, and nodded. "Same."

"Maybe we'll be together! Wouldn't that be great? I mean, we haven't gotten to be in a group or anything since, uh, elementary school—"

The chatter continued for a measure of time, and Shikamaru finally waved the animated blond away to finish his shopping. When he left, Naruto returned to Kabuto's side and cheerfully filled him in on school life.

"You in school, Kabuto-niisan?" the older man shook his head regretfully. "But you've gotta be! I mean, you're really smart and cool—"

Kabuto's expression, as ever, remained coolly distant but friendly. "Aah, well, I've never passed the university entry exams..."

Naruto nodded enthusiastically. "But you've taken them, huh? Cool, you know a lot about the tests then, right? And you study a lot? So you could help me!" Naruto grinned. His smile faltered. "I suck at schoolwork."

Kabuto laughed gently, and ruffled Naruto's hair. Naruto beamed up at him. "Well, I wouldn't mind helping an adorable high school kid with his homework. Not when things are as slow as this."

Naruto grinned and nodded.

Somehow, he thought, I get this feeling that things are just starting to get better...

"All right everyone, I want you to gather up according to what you signed up for," Asuma called. "Kurenai-sensei will be with the playground builders," the big man continued but Naruto barely paid attention. He half-ran to the area Shikamaru stood at and waited patiently with his friend. Chouji, Naruto noticed, stood off to the side. Naruto shifted uncomfortably and looked at Shikamaru.

The bigger boy stared half-heartedly at the floor. Or is he staring at his shoes...? Naruto wondered. Agh...Chouji...he probably hates me. Naruto's eyes flew around the room until he spotted Sakura. He smiled enthusiastically and murmured, "I'm gonna go chat with Sa—"

"—kura. Yeah. I know. Go ahead." Shikamaru made a 'go away' motion with one hand.

Naruto hesitated. "You don't...?"

Shikamaru scoffed and folded his arms. "Since when do you care if I mind or not?"

Naruto's mouth moved, but no sound came out. Finally he managed to scowl at his friend and turn away quickly. "...whatever," he muttered just as Asuma pointed the group into the corner of the gym. With Sakura momentarily forgotten, Naruto sulkily trudged to the other side of the room.

Once everyone was more-or-less gathered in the same area, Iruka smiled cheerfully at the twenty-some students. As if to welcome them, he waved whole-heartedly as he spoke. "All right, I know you want to be off, so I'll make this quick," he grinned and winked. "The groups are as follows..."Naruto fidgeted uncomfortably and waited for his name to be called. Finally, Iruka called, "Team seven will be Uzumaki Naruto," blue eyes turned to regard Iruka and nearby a few mumbles could be heard, "Uchiha Sasuke," Naruto groaned inwardly and clutched at his head. Near him, Sakura held her breath "And Haruno Sakura. Team seven will clean up section five on your maps. You'll have six birdhouses to hang up as well." The teacher rolled up his list and waited for questions. Sasuke scoffed lightly and murmured, "Seems that someone wants us together."

Naruto growled quietly and clenched his hands into fists. "Listen Sasuke," he spoke through clenched teeth, "I know you don't like me and I sure as hell don't like you, but we're going to get this done—like it or not."

Much to Naruto's irritation, Sasuke took the comment with a distant sort-of laugh that made Naruto's ears ring. "So," Sasuke regained his untouchable demeanor, "Ready to prove your worth," a slow, arrogant smirk overtook his icy expression, "Dropout?"

Naruto felt the color rise to his cheeks and growled, "I'll get this job done quicker 'n you can say—"

"—dead last?" Sasuke's sneer twitched.

"Sasuke—"

"Na—" Sakura squeaked, and the half-murmured protest brought both boys' anger to a standstill. Sakura bit her lip when she realized the furious way the boys looked at her. "...Naruto," she swallowed, "Sasuke," and she faced the other way. "Why don't we just try and—"

"—beat the other teams? Do a better job?" Naruto's smile softened as he glimpsed her charming features. But the gleam of determination in his eyes didn't fade.

With one last look at Naruto and an authorizing glance at Sasuke, the girl nodded. A small, almost boyish grin graced her lips. "Let's do it!" She giggled for a moment while she hid the mischievous smile behind two tightened hands. To Naruto, she looked adorable.

The three picked up the birdhouses from the front of the gym, tucked them into knapsacks, and set off.

"Hey," Naruto pulled Sakura and Sasuke into a tight hug. "Isn't section five, like—"

"—in the forest, Naruto," Sakura sighed and made a face that clearly said, 'think a little.' She squirmed against Naruto's hold. "And let go! Who said we wanted to get this close!"

Sasuke pushed away from his classmates and moved ahead of the two. Naruto struck his tongue out at the taller boy.

"Hey, Sakura, I think maybe some kind of higher power or something is telling us that we need to get together...I mean, this is like the second time we've been put in the same group...!"

Sakura managed to restrain herself from hitting the annoying blond, and team seven finally crossed into the heavily wooded forest. They walked for a good half hour before they reached the forest.

In a town like Konoha, barely an hour away from the ocean, winds were fierce. The forest was the main protection from harsher winters and devastating results to rice fields. So even while Konoha developed more neighborhoods and power sources, the old trees were necessities. So the small town took care to keep the forests clean and healthy. If they did not, the cold winds of the world would ravage the peaceful town.

So the three students pulled out their trash bags and began to hunt out unwanted trash. For the most part, they worked in silence.

And the quiet was complete.

As he pulled a piece of blackened metal from a bush, Naruto heard a piercing cry. A bird of prey...?

His gaze drifted skyward and the light that filtered down was tinged with green and gold—

—but beyond that he could see the clear, cold, and blue heavens...

—:—:—:—

The green shines down on me like broken rain. It doesn't fall in sheets the way it should; it falls in clumps and patches—and it falls in golden swatches like burnt stars, too. I can see the green—it's all in the air—and it makes me swallow hard. Green's like the world...'cause everything that lives has green. But here's green, too...and that's just sad. Just...alone. I think the green needs more of the gold; then it'd be more like stars. I bite my lip and want the headache to go away and want someone to hold me...

I've always wanted someone to hold me. To pretend that they want me, need me, care for me like we want and need the sun. That's why it needs the gold. We need the gold 'cause it's like the sun...I want to be like the sun. Warm. Bright.

Needed.

But I'm not needed anywhere—so I'm running now—and not wanted and not anything but me. Just me, just me so I'm running away. It's not stupid. I'm not a baby. I'm just...I'm trying to find it.

Trying to find the gold and green.

The dreams.

...I will be wanted and needed by everyone...not just in Konoha...everyone's gonna want me, and no one will ever make me run away again. If I try hard enough, if I love everyone enough and always, always smile and always be happy...they'll want me, they'll take me and hold me in their arms and always, always take me. But for now it's just me and the green. Just me and the green.

But if I look up, I can see it...I can see the blue sky that I want. That I've always wanted. And if I cry long enough it'll make a puddle. And then I can see in the puddle, and I'll see my eyes...they're blue, too. Blue like the sky...maybe that's why I want it.

But it's not why I dream.

I dream of scary things...but it's not my dream. My dream is to be great! My dream is making me run away...'cause no one who's gonna be great would stay at home and make people sad. The good people go away and take their problems with them. They don't ever make anyone sad.

...I made my mom sad. She's not really my mom, though. And she doesn't like it when I call her that. But when she doesn't know it, I think of her as my mom. And I get all warm and happy 'cause having a mom's like being hugged. Once, my mom said she liked my eyes. But she didn't say that more than once...I think someone heard her. But I'll remember it for as long as I can—I'll remember that she likes part of me, and I'll be happy.

I really like my mama...she doesn't always like to be together, though. Sometimes we go shopping together an' she lets me help! She even gets me some candy. And then we cook and laugh and laugh and she talks to me about the big, wide world. She tells me about how people all have to work together to do anything in real life. And when she corrects me, it's only to keep me from being silly. She wants me to be an admirable person! So she really does care.

...she liked to play with me at first...

Then I "got shy," but only 'cause I was lonely, and she didn't know what to do and neither did I. But it's not her fault! She's nice and tries real hard. She even gave me an old sweater from my special uncle—I forgot his name. He meant it for my brother-who's-not-really-my-brother, but mama knew it'd fit me better. And she hugged me and told me I looked cute! I liked it.

I try to make other people happy. Sometimes it works—maybe—but most of the time it doesn't. Most times. But you know what? I remember all the times I try. The last time was...I was trying to be nice to my class...It's almost my birthday! Almost...so I wanted to make everyone happy. Then maybe they'd play with me for a birthday present. I wanted to give people chocolates in these little origami boxes that I made. The boxes weren't really very pretty—they were kinda lopsided and weird looking—but they were made by me! I liked them a lot. I left them on the table where the rest of my not-family could see them...and maybe help me make a few more...It takes forever to make one 'cause it takes sixteen whole pieces to make the top and the bottom! You open it by taking off the top, and the bottom sits there like a tray. But 'cause it takes a long time, I want someone to help me.

"Naruto!" they called to me, and I wanted to be away. Far away with nobody staring at me like that. "Clean up your mess," my mom ordered and I looked at my older not-brother—the brother who's not mine. I don't ever think of him as mine. He didn't look at me then because he was watching a comedy.

I put my things in the bag mama gave to me—and put the boxes on top—and said, "I'm going to sleep." So I went upstairs and made my futon and lay down on the soft mattress ...it's fun to lay down on top of all the blankets and stare up at the ceiling. I do that sometimes and I keep my door open. That way I can hear everyone and I can even see a little through the crack. The light that shines through is in a little sliver—straight and bright and neat. Not like the green. The green's all splotchy.

I remember hearing my mama talking to my not-dad, and she sounded really upset. She was angry and frustrated and I was scared she was gonna cry. It made me feel all tight inside and my face got hot. I crawled out of bed and snuck out the door—my not-brother had his door closed and didn't want to talk—and sat on the steps.

My family was rich, I think. They had a two story house and even central heating. Not many of my not-friends—not-friends because they're my brother-who-is-not-my-real-brother's friends—had that...

I remember. My mama said, "He doesn't ever think before he does anything!"

My not-dad didn't seem to care. He was listening to my mama and reading, probably. "He's a kid," he said. "Just a brat. There's nothing you can do."

Mama didn't hear. "Why should we need to tell him everything? When I say pick up your mess, what does he do? He leaves all those useless gifts stacked on the table—they're not even very good! They're ugly, and he leaves them for all to see." Something hit the table. I remember. "He always wants to go at his pace!" She told me that before. I remember.

My chest hurt right under my neck and it felt all puffy and closed. My eyes stung and my head hurt. So I crawled—so no one would see me—back into my room and shut the door. There wasn't even a gold sliver, then...and I buried my head in the makura-pillow and shut my eyes tight.

But I didn't sleep.

In the morning, when mama and not-dad were still sleeping, I opened my door and walked out. My not-brother was standing in the kitchen, but he didn't say anything to me. He must have gotten back from his newspaper delivery route. I looked at him, and he looked back with sad—or maybe sleepy—eyes. He finished his water and walked back upstairs. I waited for him to close his door, and I pulled on my shoes and opened the door and ran and ran and ran.

I stopped for a little bit to play on a swing. The other kids didn't come to talk to me, but I didn't mind too much. They must've been scared and all 'cause I look all dusty and I'm not even dressed for running—just my soft clothes and my soft hat stuffed in my pocket. I watched them play for a while, and when their ball went flying towards me I passed it back. No one said anything, and they all went away. So I went too, and I walked until I got to the woods...but it's scary in here, so I started to run again.

My feet are tired.

I wonder if it's my fault...I think it is. If I hadn't missed my other family—the one that got tired of me—maybe they would have liked me. Maybe they didn't wanna remember that I'm not really theirs, and that no one really wants to keep me. So they got mad at me, and...it's my fault now. So I'm taking all the hurt and pain with me and going away. Away where no one can find me or ever be mad at me...away to a place where everyone wants me.

But...I'm still sad to go.

Because at home, I met this kitty-cat...a white cat with blue eyes. She's special! Not very many cats have blue eyes either. So we're two of a kind...the only two I know with my-kind-of blue eyes. I told my not-brother that cat's are hard to find in Japan. He laughed at me and said that they're hard to find only in Konoha. Big cities have more strays—and more foreigners. He looks at me funny when he says that.

My cat found me one day when she was cold and wet and hungry and I gave her food 'cause I felt sorry for her. I know it's hard to be alone. And she likes me! I think it's neat that she does...so I pet her when no one's around and give her food and play with her and she plays with me too by swatting at strings with me and curling in my lap. Even though she can't hold me, I can hold her and that's almost as good.

I hope she doesn't get scared now that I'm gone...

I don't see the tree root until I've already hit it and then I was lying on the ground. My arms hurt and my face hurt and my feet hurt. I choked. Coughed. I crawled over a little and huddled underneath a tall tree that held me close.

My face hurts.

And I'm still sad.

But my eyes are heavy and swollen with tears and I hurt.

The gold has faded to black No more green all around me...just black and black and I can't see anything and I'm so, so tired...I bet not-brother doesn't get this tired...when he delivers papers and plays baseball.

My eyes are heavy, and I don't think it'd be wrong to just close 'em for a little bit and then I can get up and walk some more...maybe my kitty will come and guide me...I bet she will.

When I open my eyes again, it's because of someone's voice, soft and pretty in my ears. It's too bright, though, so I close them again. Someone's long, pretty fingers are on my shoulder and I wake up a little.

"Hey," they say again. "You're going to catch a cold if you sleep in a place like this," soft and low and nice. That's what kind of voice they have.

"Mmmm...?" I say quietly and I open my eyes all the way. No one's ever cared if I catch a cold before. Well, no one besides the people who take care of me. When I can see, I notice a small-framed person wearing a pink yukata, a special robe for the summer. It's like a kimono only not as hot. It's been changed, though...there are no sleeves, and her obi, the cloth belt, is really weird. It's tied like a girl's, but it's the same kind of string-type obi that boys wear! Girls have wider obi. I'm confused and I blink a little.

It's a she, I decide. Her hair is long and so, so...um, beautiful, and she's got these soft black eyes that seem to know everything about being sad. She has eyes like mine. But she' so pale...so pale and pretty. I reach out to touch her face, and she doesn't move away. She lets me put my cold and numb fingers on her warm, soft face, and I smile. She's soft. "Nechan..." older sister. She can be my older sister.

She giggles and hides her mouth behind two hands.

I rub my eyes and look at her funny. "What are you doing in this place?" I ask, and she giggles again.

She points to a basket I hadn't seen before, and I look back at her. She smiles softly—everything about her is soft—and says, "I'm gathering herbs."

I grin real big and say, "I'll help you!" and she nods.

She shows me which ones she wants and I pick them up like she showed me and then we sit in silence. In the green and gold that's softly blue now because of the mist. It's kind of nice. For a while, we don't say anything and I'm just happy to be with her.

Finally I say, "I'm Naruto," and she smiles back at me.

"Do you have," I notice that her smile is small and soft and not really pretty by itself, "anyone you would consider precious," I blink at the word. "Naruto?"

I look at her in surprise and then I look down. I cherish—I heard my not-brother use that word once—my family. Even though they don't want me. And I think my white cat's precious. Yep. Very precious. So I smile and nod. "Absolutely." I giggle—that's another strong word, you know.

"And what would you do for them?" she continues and she looks at me very carefully. Like I'm a piece of the herb she's looking for, and she's trying to decide if she wants me in her basket. I bet she's collecting 'em for a special person. Very special. Not like me.

"Um..." I fidget a little, and busy myself with finding the herbs. She still looks at me and her hands don't move at all. Except a little, really, when they twitch into tiny fists. She has very boyish hands, I think. "I'd protect them from everything and hold them and keep them safe." I grin.

I look at her and see that she's still watching me. Her voice is quiet when she continues, quiet and soft like the wind and low. "Would you," she takes a teeny breath and closes her eyes for a second. "die?" her eyes are open now. "For your dear ones."

And I look at her with wide, wide eyes and wonder and think—how does she know? How does she know what I dream

But she just laughs a little. Maybe my eyes answered her question. I know I didn't, but she doesn't seem to care. "The truly strong, Naruto," I like how she says my name. She makes it sound special and neat and strong. "Fight." And her eyes go up to look at the misty—but still blue—sky. "Do you know why they fight?"

I shake my head wordlessly.

"They fight for their loved ones," she sighs, "their precious, lovely, dear— " she stumbles and I feel bad for her. "People."

My voice is tiny and not really mine. It's a bird's voice, I know, and it speaks through me. I know it's a bird's 'cause I'm not small or sweet or anything like that. I'm just me, and I'm just annoying. Everyone says so..."How do they fight?" Small and sweet and lost. That's what the bird is.

And she just laughs and laughs. It's a quiet, sweet laugh and I think, maybe she's got a bird that speaks through her too. "Naruto," she says. And she pulls her hands up and folds them into a neat looking symbol. "They do what they must." And her hands—long and pretty and nice—fold in on themselves to rest on her knees.

I breathe slowly, and try to find more herbs.

"What are you doing in the forest, Naruto?" she asks, and she leans forward just like I've seen girls in my class do.

My face gets warm and I bite my lip. I've never been this close to a girl before...so I swallow and shakily smile. "I'm running away..." and she looks at me kinda like my not-brother did. I don't want her to be sad at me, so I quickly add, "So that I can get better and better and make everyone lov... like me."

"Well," she smiles and I smile back. "You look just right to me." She says.

I shake my head vehemently with my lips closed tight. Then I say, "Uh-uh, uh-uh! That's not good enough!" and I feel my lips stretch into a big ol' grin.

Her smile changes, like she's more sad now, and says, "You will become stronger...you will get better." I know she's going now, and I'm a little sad 'cause my kitty didn't come to guide me...but I met her and she stopped on her path...her path to helping her precious one. She stopped to point me down the right path.

And she stands up like a geisha, a person who entertains lords and ladies, and she prettily picks up her basket. Her smile is gentle and nice now and she says, "Let's meet again some day," and she starts to walk off—in the direction I came from—and then she stops. She turns her head slightly, but all I can see are her pretty, pretty eyes. "Oh," and the smile strains. "I'm a boy, you know."

I blush harder and she—no, he—walks off. He's a white and pink and black blur in the distance and all I can do is listen to him walk off. But soon there is no sound, and even the shady form disappears. He must be going to look after that special person...the one he got the medicine for.

My guide is going home.

And I'm still here.

I try to find my guide—try to find the boy who's so white...I wanted to say thanks, and I wanted to meet his precious person. But everything comes together and I don't know what happens. Every time I think about it my head gets all fuzzy and hurts and I want to cry. White's not good...White's not perfect. I wanna cry because I can't ever be the sun. I can't be like it, either and I can only be like the poor flowers on the ground. The flowers that are yellow and all scraggly—like me—the ones that steal the sun's light and try to be like the sun. That's me.

I see it happening, I did, I did and I see it now and now I can't breath or anything 'cause I'm so scared. It's all red and red and black on white. My white. My guide is white, my guide is gone, gone, gone...his name. His name is White, because he is—no, no, was—so pure. White is emptiness...white is absence of color...of knowing stuff. He was white. Like the snow that fell in the middle of the warm, warm day that I ran away.

I just want to be hugged.

And there are flashes of red on black on white that show me him. Show me him in all the red—with all the red coming from him and he doesn't smile anymore—and show me him with his scared smile. Show me him—the precious person—with his mad, mad eyes and his crying eyes that shed no tears.

Weep no more, the tall man told White.

Dry your eyes...he tells me. And I think that maybe White was lucky enough to have someone cherish him, too. So when the colorless man with golden eyes kills White, the precious person tries to help. Tries to kill golden eyes and make it all right. But golden eyes takes his hand from White's chest. And white dies...

The cherished one...the tall, dark man. He shouldn't have died. White loved him too much. But he tried to help White, and golden eyes killed him, too...so there was red on white on black on red.

Those pretty eyes are open now. Wide, wide open and even I can't see the softness. The sadness. He grasps the hand of his killer and his mouth opens a little—to smile?—and he dies, he dies. There's red everywhere. And the black, black hair falls around perfect features as snow-white skin dulls. But it doesn't darken. The taller man is mad, mad, mad like me.

He dies, too. Dies with a smile on his lips...dies wishing something I can't hear and don't wanna know. If I know I'll be even more sad and imperfect. I can only hear—

It all goes to red and I hear that person. They are laughing. The one who killed the tall man—the one who killed White and brought the mess of red. Red on white on black on me. I did it. I made White die. And that man laughs and laughs and laughs and I can't do anything but watch

He moves them. He brings White and the tall man together. My white. No...no, he's his white. White belongs to that special person...

A quiet smile. That was white. That is me. And a gentle laugh with blood—the red—on my hands. I know it now: I'm nothing.

Nothing.

Nothing but me.

I can't help it...

I'm only me.

—:—:—:—

…I'm only me...Naruto's breath caught in his throat and he felt his body shake. Shit. What the fuck just happened...? He rubbed at his eyes and tried to keep from whimpering. His hands were still and his breathing was ragged.

Red on white on black...

"Naruto!" the sharp, shrill voice in his ears brought him back to the world. "What are you doing!" Sakura stood a few feet away from him with her hands on her hips. "I thought we were going to do this faster than everyone else!" she whined.

Naruto forced a quiet chuckle from dry lips. He closed his eyes and touched his hair. "Sa..." he swallowed. "Sorry, Sakura-chan..." he laughed in a false manner and closed his ears to the heavy beating of his heart.

He started to move about the forest again and pulled things into his trash bag. Finally his area was clean, and he pulled out the first of his birdhouses. His knapsack closed and Naruto buckled it to prevent the remaining birdhouse from falling. So he moved on and tried to find a way to get into a better mood.

...fuck...I haven't thought about that family in forever...

...she cried...

...when I came home all bloody...

...and she just held me so tight and pet my hair. But they didn't let me stay after that. Those two who died...everyone thought I was lying. But she cared. That's something special...

Naruto stopped in front of a stout, climbable tree and blinked. He wondered briefly if that was where he'd tripped before. Beside him, Sakura chattered aimlessly to Sasuke, and Naruto looked away. Slowly, he began to climb the tree and forgot about his classmates. For a while, he needed quiet.

So when something loud and heavy thundered—rmmmbkgl—below him, he fell

out

and couldn't stop

seeing.

For an instant he was certain that he heard Sasuke's and Sakura's screams, but he was too preoccupied to notice. Slit gold eyes stared at him from a white face. His arm hurt. Damn...I seriously hurt my arm, it throbbed in complaint, and I see a...snake?

Terrified, Naruto could only stumble backwards. The snake glared at him with small, almost glowing eyes, and he bit his lip. There was only he and the snake. No weapons...He glanced around and his eyes caught hold of the fallen birdhouse. It was splintered into two thick pieces. Both jagged. Naruto smiled. "Heh." He said, and the snake slithered towards him.

It was a strange color...white with a pearly gray to highlight it. And no natural animal Naruto could think of claimed gold eyes. Even cats have brown… with yellow mixed in. Nothing shines like that. He shuddered and made a tiny step towards the birdhouse. The snake seemed to laugh and Naruto swallowed again.

It's just—he thought as he flipped into the air and grabbed a branch—a snake. The built up momentum allowed him to swing forward at an unbelievable pace—but the snake had already moved.

The limb snapped and Naruto fell in a mess of limbs and dirt. It's not here...it's...behind me...? He grabbed at the birdhouse and threw the heavy wood behind him. It sunk deep into the tree's flesh and

a noise—human

like

and piercing

—broke

the silence.

Snakes scream? The thought chilled him, and Naruto whirled around and looked at the snake's pinned body. The golden eyes flared once—it's in my head—and the lifeless body fell from the tree that held it.

Naruto drew a shaky breath. Clutched his arm and made his way back to the clearing. The birdhouse lay

forgotten

on the forest floor where

the smell of

death

waited.

Naruto felt his eyes flood with tears and he told himself, it's just the pain… I'm not sad. And so carefully, Naruto walked back the way he thought he'd come No noise guided him. He watched the canopy for the window to the sky—the one that'd reminded him of white death.

He arrived, but Sakura and Sasuke weren't there. So he closed his eyes and listened for the sound of Sakura's cheerful voice or Sasuke's quiet footfalls. He didn't hear anything, but intuition moved him towards an old tree that made way for another clearing.

He smiled when he saw them and called out, "Oi," they froze. "Where'd you guys go?" The two of them started visibly and Sasuke moved leadenly in front of Sakura. Naruto realized the smell of blood wasn't an illusion...and wasn't his imagination. A dark stain in Sasuke's middle thigh proved it. "Did something happen?" he asked and the two exchanged glances.

"Naruto..." Sakura spoke so quietly he had a difficult time hearing her. "Who do you work with in math?"

An irritated, confused expression covered Naruto's face, and he snapped, "Sasuke, of course! Stupid Asuma wouldn't let us—"

"We're going." Sasuke's voice lilted strangely and Naruto had to wonder.

...what the hell happened?

And why does it smell like...

Fear?

The moon was hidden by the clouds. It had been mid-afternoon when the groups had set out for community service, but time flew quickly. After all that'd occurred, when Naruto was reunited with his classmates the sun was setting. When they parted they did so awkwardly. Naruto had offered to assist Sasuke, but the other refused.

Naruto walked home by himself. And the moon offered little illumination. The darkness prevented him from relaxing and thus he hurt like nothing else. So he continued stiffly and held his arm close to his body. The journey hardly seemed as peaceful or thought-provoking as it had on other nights.

When he arrived at his and Kakashi's small home, he breathed a sigh of relief. The sliding doors opened easily and he stepped inside. As he toed off his walk-home sneakers, Naruto blinked with surprise. Next to his adopted father's sandals there was a pair of old-fashioned geta, wooden shoes raised up with two rectangular blocks. In the old days, geta were used to keep the wearer's feet from getting unbearably wet.

"Tadaima," I'm home, he called warily. Kakashi very rarely had anyone—much less an elderly person—visit. And it's getting late...oh, wait...no it isn't...what time is it?

"Okaeri," welcome back.

And then..."Yo," the voice was strangely familiar.

Naruto stepped up from the stone floor to the welcome mat. He opened the door a little too quickly—eyes wide with surprise. His mouth dropped open.

The old pervert sat before him. Long white hair and black eyes were in stark contrast to the lines of red from both eyes. This time, Naruto was pleased to find, his clothing stayed neatly on his body.

He blushed furiously as he pointed an accusing finger at the old man. "Pervert!" he screeched, and both men stared in confusion.

Kakashi laughed quietly and automatically started murmuring consoling words. "Please, Jiraiya, don't take offense. He's just—"

Naruto cleared his throat loudly and declared, "This is the old drunk who came waltzing into my store—"

"—hardly your store, I'm sure—" the old man's grin twitched.

"—and starting stripping and flirting with me!"

Kakashi's expression turned from gently apologetic to one of extreme surprise. "What?"

Jiraiya laughed whole-heartedly as his wrinkled face changed to match Naruto's in color. "Aaah, you're that brat..." he mumbled, and Naruto sputtered.

Kakashi's eyes narrowed. "Excuse me, you two..." he stood up and gently guided Naruto to the table. Naruto's legs folded under him as he assumed seiza position. It was distinctly uncomfortable for long periods of time—his calves could only stand to be under his entire body for a limited while—but it was certainly what Kakashi wanted. "You mean to say that Jiraiya was the naked man from—" laughter erupted from the tall man, and both remaining persons glared.

"I wasn't naked until—"

"—after you started flirting with me, you old bat—"

"Watch who you call old!" Jiraiya sputtered and Naruto leaned forward again.

"Pervert, listen ta me—" and his voice faltered. His head hurt, his arm throbbed and for an instant all he could see was gold

eyes

staring at him and green

eyes

gently closing.

But everything faded, and Naruto was left alone in the all-encompassing black. He felt his consciousness slip for a minute, and it was as if he dreamed. But his eyes remained open. Moments passed and yet time held still for Naruto as he drifted between—here and there.

Naruto closed his eyes for an instant and opened them with a quiet moan. "...shit..." his mouth was dry—like he'd been talking for an age—and his throat hurt—like he'd been screaming. He leaned forward and was surprised to find himself standing. His balance wavered and down he fell. With two sets of eyes watching him. Kakashi—confused, pained. Jiraiya—amazed, disheartened.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

...and why can't I remember what just...

...happened...

He huddled for a moment on the soft pillows used to make the hardwood floor more comfortable. And then he rose, shakily, and walked stiffly towards the washitsu that was his room. "Good night," he bade them. No reply came as he closed the paper doors to form a wall. Quietly, he made his futon and lay down.

And he reached for dreams as the night winds rode by—so soft...

So white.

His eyes stung and tears streamed down his cheeks to soak the pillow.

...what the fuck did I do...?

tbc...

Footnotes

1. Home Room. Japanese classes don't move. You stay in the same class all day except for the classes you "get" to pick, like Math. Naruto switches classrooms (and classmates, as you've probably noticed) then. But, for the most part, he stays in his classroom. Iruka is Naruto's homeroom teacher, if you haven't noticed. So it's Iruka's job to tell his homeroom about career tests and community service.

2. Niisan. It means "older brother." Boys (from young kids to young men in their twenties) call a man who's older than them (but not quite old) "niisan" to show friendly-respect. If a 10-year-old called a teenager "Jiisan" they'd get mad. It generally implies that the person is still young (and cool? Not sure) if you call them (an older boy) "niisan" or "neesan" (an older girl) instead of "jiisan" (old man) or "baasan" (old woman).

3. Geta. Geta are shoes. As Naruto noted, they were primarily used as rain shoes. . .so you don't get your feet wet when you walk in puddles. (Go to site for pictures)

4. "—:—:—:—" and a switch to 1st person present signifies a flashback. That means that I've cut to a different scene, basically. Only the scene happens to have occurred some time (years, in this case) before the present action. Usually this is done to give the reader some kind of insight to the character.

5. Origami boxes. My host mom taught me how to make these. It does take 16 pieces of paper, but less time if you know what you're doing. They're fun! I made about 40 of them with my host mom and our-neighbor-from-across-the-street's help. (Go to site for a scanned image)

6. Foster families in Japan. I have no idea how this works in Japan. I'm only assuming that they have something like foster care... Please correct me if I'm wrong, ne? (Further noted)

7. Central Air and Heating in Japan. Most houses don't have central air. That means it's very hot in the summer with lotsa portable fans, and very cold in the winter, with lots of portable furnaces.

8. Makura. I referenced this in another chapter, but makura are Japanese rice pillows. They're very firm and good for your neck.

9. Yukata. Referenced in the first chapter. It's a light-weight kimono-type garment that's less heavy, less expensive, easier to put on, and more practical.

10. Okaeri and Tadaima. Translated in the text. Basically, you say it when you get back home, and whoever was home before you welcomes you back. I suspect it's also to make sure people know when you get home. (The roots of the words are discussed.)

11. Yo. It's a greeting. It's rather informal and boy-ish. Similar to "osu" which is "hey," while I'm mentioning it.

12. Seiza. It's a way to sit. Very formal, and it causes knee stress/strain on your joints when you're older (like Jiraiya). (Picture on website)

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