"Urgh" Kyouki groaned turning over in bed, her head thumping and throat burning.
"Get up, woman! Zabuza the dick says we've got to go on a mission." Tatsuya said kicking the door frame impatiently.
"I can't, I'm ill."
"Women don't get ill! They spend all their time in the kitchen, and if you have bacteria in your kitchen then health and safety shut you down!"
"Tatsuya." Came the firm, yet hoarse reply, "You, go tell Zabuza I'm sick and I promise, I will pretend to care about whatever shit you're spouting when I feel better." And without another word she fell back to sleep, leaving Tatsuya to wander around aimlessly, without anyone to irritate.
'Hmm there must be a reason for the woman pretending to be ill, but it can't be a very good one, if that damn woman had one brain cell it'd be lonely...unless it's something other than a virus that makes women feel ill...god' Tatsuya's eyes widened and he ran full speed into the living room. He burst into the room and didn't even bother to catch his breath before shouting "KYOUKIISPREGNANT"
"...what's he saying, eh?" Mangetsu asked, raising his eyebrow at Tatsuya, who looked like he was mid-way through a heart attack.
"Kyouki...she...she's...pregnant" Tatsuya replied, breathing heavily despite only having run a short distance "My god I've gotten fat..." all the swordsmen looked at him in disbelief, though not about him being fat, they had all felt that he had gained weight recently and were just waiting for someone with a complete lack of tact – like Raiga, to point it out.
"Really? When's it due?" Choujuurou asked, it was only really after prolonged silences that he felt he had the right to speak.
"...Well, I didn't ask..." Even Tatsuya himself wasn't sure whether his delayed response came from the shock of someone actually believing him, or the fact that he himself hadn't thought to rush back to Kyouki's room and demand she told him every detail of her 'pregnancy', the minute the idea entered his head. Or indeed, that he had to take time to work out whether or not he wanted to respond to a question from Choujuurou of all people.
"Moreover...who's the father?" Kisame, along with everyone else – save for Mangetsu who merely smacked his head off the wall – had obviously also fallen for Tatsuya's lies.
"Please tell me you guys aren't actually buying this, it's just Tatsuya's usual bullshit, eh. Like that time when she went on a mission with Raiga and he told us all that the two of them had eloped. You all know he just makes this kind of stuff up for lack of better things to do and yet you still believe it, eh!" Mangetsu said, staring at each of his team mates in turn. But before he could open his mouth to say anything more, Zabuza pushed him to the side so that he could speak with Kisame.
"So, Kisame...been trying to find some gills with Kyouki?"
"...what?" Kisame asked, narrowing his eyes in confusion, still oblivious to what the hell Zabuza was talking about.
"I bet it's that Ao guy..." Choujuurou said, moving in front of Mangetsu who had now lost all hope in ever helping his team mates develop even the slightest bit of common sense. After a few minutes of listening to their migraine-inducing babbling, he decided it was probably best if he went to check up on Kyouki. Although the lack of boundaries in their friendship meant that he never really felt the need to knock on her bedroom door before entering, which given the circumstances wasn't the brightest idea he could have had.
" Oh for the love of god Tatsuya. I already told you I'm ill, so just fuck off."
"Calm down, eh. I just came to warn you Tatsuya's telling everyone you're pregnant."
"You know what... I really fucking hate him. Whatever, it's not like anyone is actually going to believe him..."
"Don't be so sure, eh..." Mangetsu sighed, although he decided it was probably not the greatest idea in the world to tell Kyouki just how stupid their co-workers were. "Oh, but come to think of it, I know this great remedy for the flu... it involves maple syrup and well... that's it really, but it'll make you better and able to shout at him in no time, eh!"
Kyouki felt herself cringe slightly, as much as she did like the pseudo-Canadian she actually wished it had been Tatsuya who had intruded on her sleep. That way, not only would he not have insisted on using all his 'medical knowledge' to make her better and be her personal nurse, she also wouldn't have needed to feign a coma to make him give her at least a moment's peace.
The Next Day
The seven(presently, six, due to Kyouki's absence) swordsmen were sitting on the sofa, with them were two highly dazed and confused looking men. The first of which, Ao, looked like he had wandered straight out of a Village People music video. The second, Utakata, looked like he just plain shouldn't have been allowed out in public.
"So how do we know which one of them is the father...?" Choujuurou asked, even with all his book smarts, he could honestly say he had no knowledge whatsoever of how paternity testing worked.
" Well if it's either of them, it's not Ao. We've told you that already Choujuurou." Kisame replied flatly.
"Why don't you just ask them, eh...?" Mangetsu mumbled, rubbing his temples in despair.
"Well for the obvious reason that they'd lie, of course. That woman probably told them to lie if they were asked, it sounds like the kind of thing a conniving woman would do..." Tatsuya replied, not picking up on the sheer amount of monotony in Mangetsu's voice.
"Conniving? The other day, you told Kyouki if her brain cells were electricity she'd be a walking blackout. Let's be honest, she probably doesn't even know who those two are! He's obviously talking bullshit, yet you guys still believe it, eh?"
"So...given the situation..." Tatsuya began, completely ignoring Mangetsu "She'll have to give up work right? I mean seriously... motherhood is a-"
"No Tatsuya." Kisame interrupted flatly, seeing exactly what Tatsuya was getting at.
"Why the hell not?"
" Several reasons: one, that's really stupid...it'd make you happy. Two, if we have a woman around it makes us all look a lot less gay. If she stopped working for us, we'd have to find another generic woman, and then.. you'd spend your whole life whining about how she wouldn't stand for your shit. And ... I guess Kyouki's abilities are a distant third..."
"YOU KNOW WHAT...THERE'S A REASON YOUR NAME IS 'ZABUZA THE DICK'!" Tatsuya immediately stormed out of the room, throwing a temper tantrum because despite his best efforts, things still weren't going in his favour.
"I still don't see why Ao can't be the father..." Choujuurou said, completely ignoring Tatsuya's outburst and Mangetsu's continued protesting.
"Because he's gay, Choujuurou. You know that Kimimaro boy from the Kaguya clan?" Raiga asked, only continuing when he received a reluctant nod from Choujuurou. "Yeah, well he's as gay as him... except Ao isn't quite at the stage where he demands people watch his pretty flower dance...yet."
"Jesus Christ! Where the hell did you come from, Raiga?" Zabuza sprung to his feet, it's always disconcerting when you realize you're talking about babies with a pedophile in the room.
"Oh I've been here all along...lurking in the shadows... thinking about certain future opportunities with that – I'm doing that thing where I really should be shutting the hell up again, aren't I?"
"I still don't see what Ao being gay has to do with anything..." Choujuurou mumbled to himself.
"Seems it's time Kisame gave you 'the talk', Choujuurou."Zabuza sighed "Besides, you're all completely wrong about the father."
Meanwhile
"So, woman, are you ready to admit you're pregnant yet?" Tatsuya having stormed out on the other swordsmen and having a complete lack of anything better to do, had now begun pestering – a now better – Kyouki.
"No. Because I'm not pregnant...the fact that we are related and hence, share some of the same genes means that my children could turn out like...you, and really, that's enough to put me off becoming pregnant." she replied, with a considerable amount more venom than she usually used against Tatsuya.
Of course, whether he had simply missed her point entirely or just ignored it for the sake of not blowing a fuse and bringing the whole building down with his incessant yelling wasn't entirely clear. "Really, because everyone else seems to think you are..."
"Well then, I'll just go set them straight..." Kyouki shrugged, walked towards the living room with Tatsuya practically stepping on her heels. Yelling various parenting tips at her every inch of the way.
"and that's why Kisame is the father... I wonder if the baby will end up being blue too...?" Zabuza said as he sat down.
"Wait, I'm confused. Why am I the father?"
"I just told you!"
"No you didn't, you said 'and that's why Kisame is the father I wonder if the baby will end up being blue too' then you sat back down again, there was no...explaining...there..." Kisame said, slowing down towards the end and staring at Zabuza as if death itself was hanging over her shoulder.
"Why do you look so terrified, what's the matter with you?" Zabuza turned round to see Kyouki standing behind him and before he could even open his mouth he felt a blinding pain and fell over, writhing in pain. Kyouki had just kicked him full force in the face.
"Anyone else...want to believe Tatsuya's bullshit...?"
"IT'S NOT BULLSHIT! I saw the same thing on Supernanny last week!"
"Who let you watch Supernanny?" asked Kisame.
"Zabuza... he wanted me to 'piss off' so he put it on and said I might learn something..." That earned Zabuza another kick from Kyouki.
"For God's sake, Zabuza! You know he's not allowed to watch things like that, he's mentally unstable enough as it is..." Kisame sighed, honestly believing that Zabuza would have known better. He then turned to Utakata and Ao, suddenly realizing they were still in the room. "Oh, you two can go, considering she's not actually pregnant and all..."
"Yes she is! She's pregnant!"
"No, I'm not... and unless you want me to do to you what I just did to Zabuza then you should shut the hell up."
"Yeah well, we'll wait nine months and then we'll see which one of us is telling the truth!"
"Wait a minute..." Raiga began, giving Kyouki an extremely suspicious look, "if you supposedly had the flu, how come you got better within the space of a day?"
"I had to be..." she replied, her voice suddenly reverted to being flat and lifeless, "Mangetsu was in nurse mode..."
"Nurse mode?" Raiga asked, arching an eyebrow, as if she had implied that he was 'playing doctor'.
"It's not what you think, I mean he... he genuinely starts thinking he's a nurse...insists on fluffing my pillows every ten minutes."
"I'm going to go put a bandage on my face. I hope you're happy, it hurts like hell!" Zabuza staggered to his feet and walked out of the room, glaring at Kyouki all the while.
"...nothing good ever happens to Zabuza does it?"