I had never had a boyfriend before. In a time of war, who had time for romance? When Madara attacked, it was the destruction of the village and the subsequent cleanup I worried about, not boys.
I'm completely inexperienced, but I'm not naïve. I'm a medic, I've seen more dangly bits than a teenage girl should, but feeling it against the small of your back, warm and insistent that it can freak someone out.
It's not the fact that it's Kakashi, it's not the fact that I've known him forever and that he's male and it could happen while wrestling a muddy, sweaty female into the ground. It scared me because it meant that someone wants me.
And I can't handle that.
I reappeared in my flat, where the wood is still relatively new, the walls smelling of pine and paint even months later, the carpet beneath my feet one small comfort when my world was spinning dangerously fast, I grabbed a random glass and fill it with water. I almost choked when I realize it's full of hot water and the cup was a half full mug of coffee I had never finished. I spit it out, and do my dishes before I forget, and try to ignore the rising panic in my throat.
It's only four in the afternoon, the summer breeze still persistent, and the sun hanging suspended, unmoving, and I sigh, wanting the day to end.
I'm sitting on my living room floor, stretching every muscle I can think of, straining farther than I did the day before.
I move on to pushups, building up shoulder muscle with my chakra as I force my shaking arms to keep moving, and soon it's just me breathing, up, down, in, out, sweat running down my neck, my back, my face, and I collapse after losing count somewhere maybe an hour or two ago.
The sun is balanced on the horizon, slipping past it to settle into night, the wild passionate colors of twilight melting into night and stars and dark blue sky.
I'm out of vegetables when I check my fridge, so I grab a bag and make my way down the dusty road to the store.
"Sakura-chan!" I hear a familiar shout as I pass my teammates' favorite haunting place. Sasuke and Naruto poke their head's out of Ichiraku's new, bigger stall. "What'cha up to?" Naruto asks.
"Hn." Sasuke says.
I smile at them nervously. "Just picking up some things for dinner."
"You stink." Sasuke says.
I glare at him. "I was training up until ten minutes ago, excuse me for not being very fresh, my hair doesn't defy all logic like yours does."
"Speaking of hair," Sasuke said, "Yours is getting a little long, don't you think?"
I blinked, and then fingered my long pink braid. "Why?" I asked, "It's useful in battle, it becomes a weapon."
My hair was now far beyond my waist in a braid, and though it takes forever to take care of, in battle, when I braid in a long spike strip, it becomes a way to draw in enemies and trap them close to me, so I can render them defenseless, and unconscious.
Naruto was edging away slowly this whole time, knowing, somehow, that Sasuke was going to pick on me. And that I would retaliate.
The smallest drop of chakra I sent to my foot. And then I stepped on Sasuke's.
He gave me a dirty look, but he didn't say anything. I was turning to leave, waving goodbye, when Naruto shouted after me.
"Sakura-chan, Kakashi was looking for you earlier!" he yells.
I paused, and asked, "Where?"
"Oh down by the hospital…He's probably at a bar with Genma somewhere by now." He said, losing interest as he turned back to his meal.
Sasuke placed a hand on the small of Naruto's back, and I sighed and turned to leave again.
"By the way, Naruto," I call without looking. "If you guys are on a date, you should go somewhere more private than a ramen bar to be affectionate in public."
I hear some spluttering, and I laugh loudly as I hear their angry yelling fading behind me.
When I return home, my house is as dark as it is outside, and when I turn on my lamp, Kakashi is sitting on my couch, his head buried in his large scarred hands.
I sigh once more, before I turn into my kitchen. "What is it Kakashi?" I ask while I'm getting out a frying pan.
"Sakura…" his voice is quiet from the doorway. I grab a cold container of already cooked rice from my fridge and a cutting board from off of a hook on the wall.
"Sakura…." He says again, coming closer.
"Are you staying for supper, Kakashi? I have plenty." I interrupt, not wanting this conversation to take place.
"Sakura." He says, more insistent this time, and suddenly he's in my space and I don't know where to look or how to breathe, and there's that familiar panic caught in my chest like a bad cold that won't go away.
"Kakashi." I choke out when he puts his hands on my shoulders. "What—"
"I'm very sorry for what happened today." He said, looking at my face. "Sakura, I'm sorry."
"What are you talking about? I only remember you beating me at sparring this afternoon." I say shakily, not meeting his eyes, I can't meet his eyes.
His voice turned hard now, "Don't run away from this Sakura. I know you're good at it, but I won't let you escape this." He squeezed my arms.
"I can't do this," I say, the panic now showing, my hands clenching and unclenching from fists, I'm sweaty and pale, and "Don't touch me!" I finally scream.
Surprised, he releases me, and I shove him away. I gasp, and clutch at the counter, my knees weak. This feeling, this closeness, this phobia. I just can't take it.
"So…So….are you staying for supper, or what?" I ask, finally looking at him. I offer a shaky smile. He rubs his masked face in his hands.
"No….No I don't think I am," he says quietly. "I…I think I need a drink."
He disappears in a poof of smoke. I slide down the side of the counter, and I let the tears slip down my face.
I never do eat dinner that night.