A/N: About 3/4s of this story is garbled nonsense, written in a rush so it would be out for Zabuza's birthday or at least, it's the reason why lots of pointless crap that's never mentioned again, ever shows up in this chapter... mind you, 4 months on and that's no longer an excuse any more? Like anything written about Zabuza in these stories, it's best not to read it if you're a big fan of Twilight and are easily offended by the bashing of it... or if you value your opinion of any character featured in this stories. If neither of those two points apply to you, then of course, feel free to carry on (at your own risk).

"Happy birthday Zabu-" Choujuurou's gleeful well wishing was promptly cut short when Zabuza firmly planted his foot in the younger boy's face."

"Shut up you little dick." he muttered, casually stepping over the – now unconscious – mass on the floor... formerly known as Choujuurou.

"There's nothing shameful about getting old, Zabuza." Raiga stated, assuming that Zabuza hadn't just kicked Choujuurou in the face for the hell of it... although that was becoming an increasingly popular hobby amongst the seven swordsmen.

"Yeah... how old are you Raiga?" Kyouki asked.

"Forty."

"And how long have you been forty?"

"A while."

"...please tell me you two did not just do the Twilight thing?" You'd have thought that his birthday would be the one day a year when Zabuza's 'friends' should have felt obligated to be nice to him, but instead they still took it upon themselves to bring back some of his most disturbing memories.

"Yes, yes we did. I thought all you teenage girls loved Twilight... I dunno I lose interest after they turn 16." Raiga shrugged.

"OI PEDO MAN!" Tatsuya yelled, appearing from absolutely no where in particular, as per usual. "JUST BECAUSE ZABUZA THE DICK IS GAY, IT DOES NOT MAKE HIM A WOMAN! I MEAN, I'M GAYER THAN THEY COME AND I AM NOTHING LIKE THAT!" he pointed a finger accusingly at Kyouki, who barely even glanced up from where she was lying on the sofa.

"I AM NOT GAY! How can I possibly be gay? Firstly, Haku is a girl and unlike Raiga, I am doing the honourable thing and not being a pediafile, I am just keeping her around until she is of age! Secondly, my porn collection, explain."

"We all know what that collection involves, it does not make you straight."

"...NONE OF YOU HAVE ANY PROOF THAT I'M GAY! I've had more girlfriends than everyone in this building put together! Even ask that." he gestured towards Kyouki, who was still completely indifferent to the fact that no one seemed to remember her name.

"Zabuza, what's a pediafile?" Raiga asked, by now he was so well adjusted to the others calling him a pedofile that anything other than that just outright confused him.

"More...to the point, WHY AREN'T YOU DENYING THIS WOMAN?"

"...I wasn't listening."

"Did you and Zabuza the dick used to have a relationship?"

"Yes."

"WHAT DOES KISA-"

"However. If I remember rightly, we broke up because I never listened to his feelings and never put my heart and soul into telling him he wasn't fat whenever he bitched about it."

"HEY! The fat thing may be true but, feelings? That's just a lie." Zabuza was completely ignoring the fact that Tatsuya was now stood there, shivering with rage.

"Whatever. Either way, I was the man of the relationship...gay..." she said before turning away from the others in order to start using Mangetsu as her personal foot rest again.

"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU! NOT ONLY DO YOU INTERRUPT ME SEVERAL TIMES BUT YOU ADMIT YOU WENT OUT WITH ZABUZA THE DICK. YOU ARE SUCH A SLUT! I BET YOU NEVER EVEN TOLD KISAME ABOUT THIS, HE'LL BE SO DISAPPOINTED WHEN HE FINDS OUT YOU'VE BEEN... WHORING YOURSELF OUT!"

"Hilarious as it is Tatsuya, I don't care..."

"fine FINE. I know when I'm not wanted!"

"No you don't... that's part of the reason we all hate you so much, eh." and so, completely ignoring Mangetsu's comments, Tatsuya stormed out of the room. Sulking like a two year old and muttering to himself... and even then he was still interrupted.

"Oh for fu-CHOUJUUROU, DOOR..." He stood silent for a few seconds, before deciding Choujuurou really wasn't moving quickly enough for his liking "CHOUJU-" and then, he remembered how Choujuurou had already been rendered unconcious today... and how much he was still in a mood with everyone else. "Jesus, I have to do everything around here... who are you?" he asked, being confronted by an unfamiliar boy with long black hair and dark skin.

"That's not important, is Zabuza Momochi here?" the boy asked, much to Tatsuya's chagrin.

"...Yes, Zabuza the dick is here." he replied in a tone of voice as blank as his face.

"...will you go get him for me?"

"NO! I DON'T WANT ANY OF WHATEVER IT IS YOU'RE SELLING!" Tatsuya yelled, slamming the door in the boy's face "...god damn those girl scouts..."

It was at least 10 minutes after Tatsuya wandered off, muttering to himself about girl scouts and cookies, that the young boy decided the only way he'd ever have a snowball's chance in hell of finding Zabuza, would be through going in and looking for him himself. Which, due to the state of the base... really was good way to get yourself helplessly lost. However, in spite of this, he managed to find his way to the lounge with astounding quickness...kind of like a dog.

"Choujuurou, take that ridiculous wig off, eh!"

"I'm not...Choujuurou...?"

"Oh... well you look about the same age as him, eh."

"Twelve?" Kyouki arched an eyebrow at Mangetsu, under 16s in the base were about as good an idea as trying to microwave your own face.

"...I'll go keep Raiga at bay, eh..." he said reluctantly, parting with his x-box and being forced to speak to Raiga, all in the same 10 minutes was indeed a very emotional thing for Mangetsu.

"Umm... my name's Jacob Black... I was looking for Zabuza Momochi..."

"What the hell do you want?" Zabuza asked, giving Jacob a bored, albeit extremely threatening look. He swore if one more person sang 'Happy Birthday', 'Cheer Up Charlie' or 'Gay bar' to him today, he's shove his sword so far up their ass that they'd never be able to bend over again. (now now, no taking this the wrong way.)

"I brought you Edward..." he said, handing Zabuza a slushie cup full of a strange... glittery liquid.

"Get the hell out of my sight you sickening fucker."

"No you don't understand, I hated him too!...come with me" Before Zabuza even had time to think of a response, Jacob had grabbed him by the wrist and was in the process of using all his force to drag the poor man straight out of the building.

"Ohhh, Zabuza leaving with a man... how unusual." Kisame said with heavy sarcasm, if Zabuza was going to be kidnapped, someone had to make fun of his sexuality one last time.

"I'M NOT GAY!" came the muffled reply from somewhere far down the corridor.

"Kisame... is Zabuza about to get raped in the butt by a big gay werewolf?" Kyouki asked, having only just registered what was actually going on.

"Knowing his luck? Probably in the face."

"...Should we go save him?"

"No, we'll just pretend to care when he bitches about it later..."

Elsewhere

"Where the hell have you brought me?" Out of sheer laziness, Zabuza had allowed Jacob to drag him off into some strage, unknown territory, and was only just begining to realize that this would have been widely regarded as a very bad idea.

"La Push."

"Did you just call me 'la poof'?" Zabuza reached for his sword, really not willing to take any more crap about his sexuality that day, however much to his eternal disappointment, he had left it on the bathroom floor... god only knows why.

"Really Bella? You'd think you hadn't been here a million times before." Jacob chuckled, causing Zabuza's face to contort into an expression that could barely be described by human words... so for description's sake we'll just say FFFFFFFFUUUUU.

"Why the hell... do you people keep calling me Bella?"

"Because you're her replacement." Jacob sighed "Last Thursday, there was a horrible accident, she went into a comatose state and the doctors said she was probably going to die. Fortunately, her Mary-Sue powers saved her life, but in the process turned her into some form of cat."

"WHAT?" although Zabuza was convinced people had been calling him Bella since long before last thursday, he didn't say anything, lest it prompted Jacob to talk more. Zabuza swore that boy's voice was almost as annoying as his face.

"You should also probably know that since I'm Bella's obsessive stalker and fanboy... ihavetorapeyou."

"...wait, what? No! Go rape Sparkles the ass-faced pixie!...Well technically he looks more like a shiny Easter Island statue but THAT'S NOT THE POINT!"

"I can't do that."

"Why not? He Sparkles! I don't sparkle! Look at me, I lack... luminescence!"

"Your friend kinda... dissolved him."

"Ohh that's the only thing that's stopping you is it? Hint hint." Zabuza asked, for once happy that he was the one making gay jokes... sadly, he didn't get the answer he wanted.

"Yes. Now hold still." As Zabuza was left, without his sword and therefore his only method of fighting, he was too lazy to run and frankly wasn't about to admit that he'd lose to Jacob in a fight, the outlook really wasn't good for him. That was of course, until a mysterious figure emerged from the dark and pushed Jacob off of a conveniently place cliff, to what we assume was his death. Yet even more unfortunate for Zabuza, it wasn't exactly...his ideal saviour.

"WHAT THE HELL RAIGA?"

"What... did you not want me to have his funeral?"

"Well, yes but... how did you get here?"

"Well, Zabuza. By my calculations..." Raiga said, taking a dramatic pause and gazing off into the distance like he was some sort of expert "that boy was 15 years old... do you honestly think I can't sense under-age kids out?"

"...You're a terrifying man. Why'd you kill him? If he's under 16 aren't you supposed to...you know..."

"Of course not, haven't you read the books? There's some shit about him being in love with a baby while it's still inside some bitch... he can't do that to me! I AM THE ULTIMATE PEDOFILE!... I'm also just suspicious that my calculations were in fact wrong and he is not a teenager, he is just a midget. A tiny midget."

"Right..." Zabuza never did ask just how Raiga managed to escape Mangetsu, and for a week after this incident never left his room and from then on, every August 15th made a point of going into hiding...probably with good reason.

*I have no idea if that's the actual name of the place or not...