A/N: Well, I don't know what to say, so don't expect much. Lol. I won't even make a comment about how I didn't originally plan for a continuation because we all know that that would be bullshit and leave it at that.
Now we can truly say that this is more plot than lemon… because I don't know any better and really, anger can be a great motivational tool when you just want to lie in bed and do nothing. And alcohol as well.
But that's a different issue entirely. ^.^;
On a side-note, if you're expecting fluff, I think maybe you should either turn back or proceed with caution. Remember… written while angry. And writing this kind of made me angrier. Just don't ask. :O I think if the lemon didn't earn me the M rating, the abuse here does. -.-;
Warnings?: Nothing really BIG to report, though there are issues here of physical abuse, self-mutilation, spousal abuse and rape that all should be aware of. A lot of it is alluded to and some of it is straight out demonstrated, but none of it is graphic. Still, keep this in mind before you begin reading and act as if you're shocked about something. Because then, I would be forced to call you an idiot and beat you with a stupid stick. Just saying.
Other than that, let's party.
Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note nor do I own "Speechless" by Lady Gaga.
"I can't believe what you said to me
Last night we were alone;
You threw your hands up-
Baby, you gave up, you gave up…
I can't believe how you looked at me
With your James Dean glossy eyes;
In your tight jeans with your long hair
And your cigarette stained lies.
Could we fix you if you broke?
And is your punch line just a joke?
I'll never talk again,
Oh boy, you've left me speechless…
You've left me speechless."
-"Speechless" by Lady Gaga
Title: Speechless
Those dark gray eyes were looking too deeply into his being once again, and it was driving him crazy.
Light scoffed as he turned on his side and ignored the wounded expression on his lover's face, the compressed feeling of discomfort digging into his chest.
'I'm sorry…'
He didn't mean to hurt L, but that was what he ended up doing every time he brought up…
A soft sigh escaped Light's lips as he closed his eyes and blocked out the rest of that thought.
'I'm just sorry…'
It was almost like kicking a puppy, but not nearly as satisfying.
A pale hand wove through his sepia-colored locks and Light felt himself fall down the rabbit hole, all the while wondering if there would ever be a time where he didn't feel like the world's biggest jackass when it came to his boyfriend.
"You shouldn't be doing that, you know."
The nineteen-year-old shrugged as he hopped off the bed and grabbed his shirt, wondering how having-sex-with-each-other had slowly, but surely turned into sleeping-together-just-for-the-heck-of-it.
And by sleeping together just for the heck of it, he literally meant just sleeping together.
"I'm fine." Light muttered, still not used to the random moments filled with coddling (of the L-variety, anyway) or the tiny spaces of time where he would actually bend to said coddling (they were few and far in between, but still there nonetheless) or how to even react to them without coming off as completely paranoid and vaguely suspicious. "It was just some mugger who thought he was worth a damn. Trust me when I say that he looks much, much worse."
Though they both knew it hadn't been a mugger, even if Light said otherwise.
"Well you at least have it checked out later?" L stared at the large bruise covering a majority of his lover's back, dark scabbed over gash coming up from the shoulder all the way across to his lowest rib on his right side stained into his memory as Light (finally) pulled the shirt over his head and covered the ugly weeping wound.
"It's fine." The boy repeated, flicking his hair out of his eyes as he strolled out of the room, the slight limp in his step unnoticeable to anyone but the man staring at him.
L, much to his credit, let it go, eyes straying from Light's disappearing figure to the stained sheets painting the other side of the bed.
Tracing the streaks of red with his dimming gaze, L felt his insides ice over until all he could see was black.
"So…"
L rolled his eyes as he stared over at his friend, those clear blue eyes narrow and plainly full of over-dramatic emotions that did not bode well for any future conversation they were bound to have.
"What the hell are you doing with this guy, L?"
"Besides the obvious?" The quip was sudden and sharp, proving that the man's patience was indeed on its fraying edges. "I didn't think you were that naïve, Mihael."
"That's not what I meant, you jackass!" Growling out several more explicit phrases that L didn't really care to hear, the dark-eyed detective added another sugar-cube into his lukewarm tea and sighed.
"What did you mean, then? Please be a bit more specific if you are going to yowl out insults at someone you haven't even met yet, Mihael."
"That's what I mean!" Sputtering out indignantly, Mihael nearly knocked his slice of chocolate cake off of the table as the people surrounding the tiny booth suddenly turned to L's table to see what the commotion was all about. "We haven't even met him yet! And you've been supposedly going out with him for over a year!"
Dark eyes twitched as the fingers holding the spoon stirring the saturated tea tightened imperceptibly, the blonde backing away at the sudden rush of anger washing over his friend. "If you recall, Mihael, he was going to meet you but-"
"Yeah, talk about freak-accidents." Mihael muttered under his breath, not noticing as L's own tepid stare began to glow with a flurry of emotions that even the pale-skinned detective himselfcouldn't understand. "Listen, I know you don't want to hear this and you'll probably ignore me for who knows how long for saying it, but haven't you thought, just once while getting to know this kid, that he might be bad news? I mean getting shot in broad daylight by some nameless gangster?! Who the hell is this kid, L?!"
L said nothing as he dropped his cup of tea onto the table and stood up, contently ignoring the frantic howl of rage his friend yipped in his direction as his leather pants caught the brunt of the spilled tea.
Pulling on his jacket, L took his cell-phone out of his pocket and walked out of the café with a sour frown shrouding his angular face.
'Damn Mihael…'
Yet a small voice had been implanted inside him after that visit; one that he couldn't wish away no matter how hard he tried.
'… but haven't you thought, just once while getting to know this kid, that he might be bad news?'
'Yes,' L admitted with a downtrodden frown, 'but not for the reasons you might think…'
"Another one." L whispered against the bare shoulder he was leaning against, his eyes dulled over by the former euphoria he had just experienced.
Lightly fingering the cut trailing across the boy's abdomen, L almost missed the wince the college student emitted before turning over, arms feeling empty as that expanse of beautiful skin shifted away from their embrace.
Almost.
"How many more are you hiding from me, I wonder?" The detective stared at the back of his boyfriend's neck as the hair obscuring the soft skin underneath it shifted to reveal another angry laceration. "And not just wounds of the physical variety, Light."
"I didn't want you to worry." Light muttered, lips forming a thin line as small bursts of light from the slightly-opened shades of the window across the room illuminated random patches of his body. "It was a stupid fight, anyway. Guy barely got a couple slices in before I got him with a couple of right hooks."
"Why don't you keep them bandaged up if you do not want me to worry?" L wondered, his voice strangely detached and out of place considering the state he was in.
Light peeked over his shoulder, eyes shrouded by the darkness overlapping them both.
"Do you want me to from now on?"
L quietly contemplated the question, his own fingers timidly pressing against the edges of the abrasion hidden beneath the soft mass of hair he so loved.
Of course he didn't want to see Light's pain immortalized so cruelly onto his flesh-
Hazel brown eyes lowered as the harmless question hung awkwardly over the strained silence.
But…
There was a trust hanging between them that those lack of wraps seemed to represent; a brutal honesty that L had strived for and Light was only now just willing to give.
It hurt to see Light hurt.
He wished to take that pain away.
He wished he could bleed that blood himself and make him cry (only because the boy barely knew what it was like to feel such emotion out loud) and take in every single howl, grimace and ache so that Light wouldn't have to feel as if it were only his burden; so that the torment was just Light's to hold onto.
"No."
But he couldn't.
And because he couldn't, Light was willing to do the only thing that could even come close to salvaging both his and L's pride-
Light nodded as he smoothed the ebony locks of hair hanging over his own dismal gaze and turned back around, the covers slipping just over the angry cut that appeared to be barely healing.
'Thank you.'
He shared it with him.
"Well?" L muttered into the phone, his work-office as messy as his boyfriend would have expected it to be if asked. The plain white walls of the large room were barely visible as numerous bookcases filled with case-files and an obscene amount of books of different varieties obscured them almost entirely, the grassy color of the carpeting complimenting the dark oak doors quite nicely. Fingers tapped against the matching desk, mounds of paperwork filled with smudges of ink and uncapped pens littering the hefty amount of space the work-area had to offer.
L grimaced as the voice on the other line stalled, his eyes narrowing as he realized just how much he would have to sacrifice in order to continue his… pursuit of sorts.
"It shouldn't be that difficult to track down one man, Mail." The raven-haired investigator slurred as he leaned back against his tall swivel-chair. "I've given you all the information you'll need; you should be able to continue from here without any sort of problem or-"
A rushed sigh escaped his lips as the raised voice hysterically screeching in his ear reached new heights.
"Mail, please tell Mihael that I can hear everything that he is saying, and that no, I do not appreciate his lack of common decency when it comes to speaking of my significant other; especially when I am within hearing range." Holding back a flinch at the loud strings of slurred swears being muttered over the voice still attempting to calmly speaking to him on the phone, L simply counted his blessings and wondered if splitting Mail and Mihael up would make his 'newest' investigation all the more fruitful. "If that is all either of you has to say, I'll shall leave you to what you were doing and ask that you only call when there is a real problem. I have enough on my hands without having to worry about whether or not I need to look over my shoulder to make sure that Light isn't stalking my every move."
Hanging up without so much as a goodbye, L quietly turned his back to the room and glanced back at the enormous window set just behind his desk. Taking a deep breath, L decided that it wouldn't do him any good to mope around his office where none of his work would be done or no new cases would be uncovered.
'I wonder if Light's home already…?'
"If you could change one thing about the life you've lived so far, what would it be?"
The question took L off-guard; a certain anxiety he was sure would envelope him whenever Light would ask him about anything of personal importance.
Even after everything they had both been through together, Light still guarded a majority of his secrets with a ferocity that even L himself could not fathom, and whenever the usually-tentative brunette broached any subject with such brutal honesty (and curiosity) it always put the detective on edge.
After a moment of serious self-reflection, L turned to his lover and thought of the nature of the question and how it could have applied to the not-so-starry-eyed student laying next to him on the couch.
For Light, the answer to the question was relatively simple. He knew that L knew about his stint on the streets and was not ashamed (exactly) of the scars he paid as a price for such past behaviors. His body had never been all that important to him, so long as his mind remained intact, he could survive any disfigurement.
His present vanity, something L had thought was always inherently there, was a spoiled aspect created by the routine of his mother's delicate upbringing after years of trying to appease her while still attempting to salvage what little of his personality hadn't been scarred by the violence surrounding him at the time. But it was not a necessary trait in the grand scheme of things; on more than one occasion Light had proven just how much he actually didn't care about his appearance.
Light had outgrown the fundamentality of his good looks after being forced to participate in beatings that had chipped away at his godly good looks leaving him slightly haggard and just a bit… well, mortal for lack of a better term.
Not that that wasn't attractive to L. There was a certain perfection to Light's imperfection that made him such a delightful little paradox; even if Light didn't see it the same way as L, he did not doubt that his experiences had worn him down enough so that any delusions of grandeur he could have had were ripped away from him, and he was ok with that.
The boy did not regret much, but the little he did feel remorse for (his family's collapse, his inevitable downward spiral, the innocents burned in his path, the damage he could never reverse towards the people he cared about, no matter how hard he tried) was a burden on his back that he knew he would never be able to fully relinquish onto another person, no matter how stubborn or completely pig-headed they were.
But now, the question was flipped on its rear, and L had to put himself in Light's place.
What would he change?
Whereas Light had so many instances to look back on and have difficulty choosing, L found himself thinking along the same lines-
And it was at that moment that L realized just how little Light truly knew about him.
He had always inwardly complained about the lack of communication between Light and himself, but when it came down to it, he was just as much to blame as the light-haired college student staring at him with those soulful molten-amber eyes.
"Everything." L reluctantly responded. "I couldn't just pick one thing; I'd want to change everything. I've never had anything I didn't want to change except-"
The words were swallowed as L closed his eyes, a headache steadily strumming through his head.
"You were the first 'good' bad thing I've ever had come tromping through my life." L stated, his eyes still closed as warm fingers traced the contours of his bony cheeks and thin lips. "And that's something I wouldn't change if it means anything."
"But… there's absolutely nothing that sticks out in your mind?" Giving the older man a skeptical glance, the look on Light's face showed that he knew better than to trust the sweet words and near blank expression encompassing the detective's face. "C'mon, L…"
"… … I…" He tried not to fumble with his words before letting a stone-dead silence wash over him, dark eyes blurry with distant memories and over-examined regrets. "My mother."
Light's eyes brightened automatically, tilting his head up from L's shoulder as he picked his legs off the floor and folded them over the couch.
"Out of everything, I'd wish I was around more for her before she died." L finished his thought, eyes still glazed over with thought. "That's what I would change."
That's what I regret most.
Closing his eyes, L felt the boy's head move from his shoulder down to his lap, that warm body draping over his own like a blanket of affection.
They didn't have many moments like this.
"Maybe we're more alike than you think, L…" Light muttered under his breath, making L wonder whether or not he was supposed to hear the miniscule comment breathed across his jeaned thighs.
'Yeah…'
But it was always nice while it lasted.
"What are you doing, Light?" L murmured with outright amusement, his lips twitching with a smile he refused to give into. "You know how sensitive your sister is."
Light simply shrugged as he smirked, Sayu's outraged screech ignored for the most part. "I don't know what you're talking about, L."
"You… you…" Pointing at the near-hysterical men on the verge of breaking out into laughter, the young girl fumed. "You're both POOPIE-HEADS! Hmph! See if I ever give you anymore candy, L!"
The brunette sitting across the now-pouting raven-haired man finally hit his limit as he gaped at the expression now covering the detective's face before letting out a smooth guffaw that made even Sayu smile, his flushed cheeks and parted lips creating a perfect image of unbridled happiness.
Taking in the sight of gorgeousness for what it was, L felt his own lips twitch upwards as a hand came up and covered the still-laughing mouth, wrist pointed outward whilst the tips of Light's fingers brushed against his nose.
At first, L didn't notice it.
All he could see was Light and the smile and those bright, bright eyes…
Until his world narrowed onto that rugged wrist unconsciously presented to him, internally freezing until all he could feel was cold and bitter and just so angry-
L felt his lips thin as he stared at his boyfriend's burnt and scratched wrist, Light smiling as Sayu began to tug at her ponytail in faux-frustration. The veins were barely visible over the newly scarred skin, blue tinted scar tissue faded a shiny pink. The long dark sleeve covered the patch of skin once Light shifted his hand away from his face, eyes still shining with amusement.
"L?"
Glancing up at light-brown eyes now teary from continuous laughter, the inconspicuous investigator tried to block out his own emotions and concentrate on the here and now.
But he didn't forget.
Light made another comment, something L didn't quite hear as his concentration was subtly brought back to that wrist and the markings laced over it.
He couldn't forget.
"Well, aren't we in such a great mood today?" Mail muttered underneath his breath, dropping the large on top of the older man's desk with barely a glance in his direction. "I can see why Mihael is so bitchy all the time if this is the new attitude you've adopted, L."
"What new attitude?" L snapped, his lips barely twitching downward in a semblance of a frown.
"He's breaking you down and making you into something you're not." Mail deadpanned, his face as serious as it could ever be. "Both Mihael and I feel as if we don't even know you anymore."
"Stop it."
"No, you need to hear this, L! You think that doing this is gonna make you a hero or something? If he finds out you've been going behind his back and doing this, your little lover boy isn't going to fall over himself and proclaim his love for you!" Flailing about in a show of disgruntled exasperation, the frustrated redhead seemed to practically blow apart at the seams. "If anything, he'd probably spit in your face and call you an idiot for even wasting your time!"
"Are you alright, Mail?" Was the drawled out response to his explosion, making Mail growl under his breath à la Mihael. "I didn't realize that my relationship issues were now you and Mihael's business; especially since the both of you are most likely the last two people on Earth to be attempting to give me any sort of advice when you have issues of your own you should be taking care of instead of degrading my own lover and insulting me."
Warring sparks of regret and rage battled with those twin pools of green, but before Mail could form any kind of coherent thought within the bubbling ocean of anger he seemed to be drowning in, L took care of that for him and rolled his eyes. "Thank you for your time, but I believe it may be time for you to leave before you say something both of us will come to regret."
Which was code for 'another word out of your mouth, and I'll fire you without a second thought'.
Not heeding the warning for what it was, Mail spun around and began to stomp away from the large desk. "Damn L… if this is you in love, I would hate to see you in the aftermath."
The whisper, the murmured quietly, still hung onto L even after there was no one left in the office except for him and his thoughts.
In an attempt to pull himself back from his needless thoughts and shaking hands, the detective shrugged as he pushed the folder into one of the many drawers within his desk, eyes desolate as the door to his office slammed shut.
'You're not the only one, Mail…'
"I'll miss you." Light whispered as he sat up on the bed, L nearly tripping over his feet before spinning around and meeting his lover's warm stare. Suitcase in one hand and doorknob still held within the other, L blinked as he attempted to steady his quickening heartbeat.
"I didn't think you were awake." L quietly admitted, finally letting go of the doorknob. "You need your rest, Light."
"Will you at least kiss me before you go?" The detective didn't even to hesitate as he spun back around and trailed back to the 19-year-old placed modestly on the bed, eyes still heavy with sleepiness.
'As if that question needed an answer.' Both men thought to themselves as L leaned forward and gently placed a chaste kiss to the boy's lips, feeling his lover's weariness through the expressive shakes and the fluttering of his eyelids as they drooped over his cheeks and threatened to close altogether.
L parted from his lover with a small smile and a tiny wave. Only once was his back turned did the suddenly tense figure still in bed slump over himself, eyes downcast as he held his head in his hands.
'Why won't you tell me what's going on…?'
Light smiled sadly as he thought back to just last year, when it had been L in his position and Light the one walking out without a barely a goodbye.
Turnabout was never fair play.
"God, it's like you're never fucking satisfied! What the fuck else do you want from me, L?! Don't you get it; this is me! I'm not gonna suddenly change and fulfill every single one of your delusional ass fantasies!" Huffing out a rather undignified exhalation of breath, Light crossed his arms over his chest and briefly wondered how asking L about his day had somehow evolved into…
Well, this.
"I'm trying more than I have ever had to ever before." Ignoring the rabid look on his lover's face, Light shook his head as he tried to move around him and get his coat; he couldn't keep up with L's moods at times, and he was supposedly the manic one. "I can't help it if you always want more, even if I can't give it."
Grabbing the college student's arm before he could fly past him, L felt the righteous anger gnawing at his insides implode into something much more ugly and irrational until all he wanted to do was get rid of it-
"No, you don't get to walk out of here this time!"
"What right do you have to tell me what I can and can't do?!" Trying to pull his arm out of L's grasp, an edge of hysteria lingered within the boy's voice; L, though, could not hear it through the fog of rage still clouding his senses. "You're not my father; you have no right to keep me here if I don't WANT TO BE!"
"Every time we have an argument you don't get to up and leave as if it's your damn prerogative, Light! What, we don't talk for a week and then we forget this ever happened; I can't DO that anymore, Light. We've moved past that!"
"Listen, if you don't let go of me right now-"
"What, you'll try to hit me? I'm not one of those assholes you let manhandle you, Light."L scoffed at the wide-eyed gape thrown in his direction, a tinge of maliciousness curdling within his voice. "I'm not an idiot. Did you really think that I wouldn't figure it out when every time we fuck I find a new damn bruise or cut? Not even you are that good of a liar, Light."
"This is what this is all about." Light blinked, lips trembling with nervousness. The grip on his arm tightened painfully, new bruises already appearing underneath the clenched fingers. "You think I let them do those things to me. You… are such a fucking moron. After everything; everything I gave up and gave you, you think that I just sit there and take it, that everything I basically told you was a lie."
"Stop it, Light."
Both men weren't sure just who it was that was actually trembling or who was filled with the most disbelief and anger and chaotic confusion on just what was true and not, but the two sets of different colored eyes seemed to be filled with the same type of emotions; it was strange to see so much of one's self in the other with how different they truly were, but more than anything it was utterly exhausting and they were both hitting their damn limits-
"I might take beatings and maybe I let them touch me; that's what you wanna hear isn't it?" The instigating tone within the former gang-member's voice was breaking L down even further, every single dimmed down accusation that had floated around in his brain being shoved into his face by the same person centering within each one. "Maybe I let them kiss me and cut me, maybe I let them hold me while they hit me; because they might be sick fucks, but hey, if you're in for a fuck, you tend to do strange thin-"
He wasn't sure how it happened.
He could see Light's mouth moving, still, but it was like the words became a jumbled mush and everything he had heard was spinning around in his head on repeat; it was like he was outside his own body, watching everything that he himself had hoped to never see.
Grappling-
Kissing-
Biting-
Punching-
Everything became a blur.
Light crumpled within himself as he stared up at the shaking detective, his cinnamon-brown eyes wide and full of anger, pain and… fear?
L gulped as he took a tentative step forward, the large mark now covering the boy's cheek making him flinch in shame-
"Don't come near me!"
The sharp statement wasn't unexpected, but the sudden rage and despair lingering over Light's gaze made the older man want to throw up; L had never wanted to be the source of such vile emotion within his lover.
"Don't come near me…" Light mumbled, ducking his head as he laid his head over his knees. "Don't… come near me…"
Dropping onto the floor, L slowly made his way over to the younger man now curled up in a ball, the shame transforming into something much more ugly and sinister; a self-hatred he hadn't known before invaded every precipice of his being until all he knew was a deprecating loathing.
He had done this.
L had done this to his Light.
Wasn't he supposed to protect him from this?
Brushing back a stray bang with a quivering finger, Light finally looked back up at the man kneeling before him, teary honey eyes full of the same kind of shame.
The words they couldn't say hung in between them as the silence grew and grew and grew…
The sun finally set behind them in a fiery explosion of color, leaving the two men in complete and absolute darkness.
Weeks.
He hadn't seen Light in weeks.
Or had it been days?
Staring at his wall, L mindless tilted his head to the side and bit his lip.
He couldn't remember.
The 27-year-old detective let his head fall back against the wall supporting his body, closing his eyes as he sighed.
Did it even matter…?
Grabbing his phone, L absently flipped through his contacts and stalled as he hit Light's name and number.
It always mattered when it came down to him and Light.
It taken him a near month to break down and finally search for the boy, even though his bruised ego had protested against doing actually doing so and his common sense had told him to leave the matter alone; Light would come back when he wished to, not when L expected him to.
He couldn't help it, though.
L was addicted at this point, and going so long without his fix was no longer feasible.
Raising his shaking fist in the air, L winced at the sudden noise created by his own hand, hoping against hope that he would see that familiar mop of hazelnut-colored eyes and caramelized eyes he so missed-
"L!" Sachiko cried out as she opened the door, her face set in relief. "L, oh my goodness, thank God you're here! Have you seen Light?!"
"What…?" Immediate panic set inside L as he quickly entered the apartment, wide dark eyes cold and disturbed. "How long… how long has he been gone?!"
"I don't know, a week and some days?" Pulling at her short hair, Sachiko silently paced as her son's boyfriend sat down and stared at her intently, apparently waiting for answers that only she could give. "He used to do this before… before…"
Before you came bum-rushing into his life and gave him something to hold onto.
"But it's been so long since he's done this and he's usually only gone for a couple of days…" Holding back a sob, the middle-aged mother collapsed onto the couch as L stood frozen by the doorway, not sure how to deal with the situation (it was so easy to manipulate the situation when it wasn't your own personal investments in danger) as a whole. "I don't know what to do… I can't call the police, I don't know where he could be and before he left, he had this look on his face; almost as if he gave something up or something! It was…"
Hands trembling against his sides, L gulped.
"It was heart-breaking." Sachiko finished, face stained with silvery tracks of tears. "I've never seen him like that before. The only time that an expression like that came even close was when his fa-Ah."
Pulling himself out of his dumb-down stupor, the investigator smiled slightly as he nodded before going to the door. "I understand."
And he did.
He did.
"I'll gather everything I know about him and see if I can find him," Sachiko gave the man a grateful nod as she wiped away the trails of tears from her face, eyes gleaming with appreciation. "I won't stop until I find him; I promise."
Breaking away from the woman staring at him almost expectantly, L made his way out of the apartment and pulled his jacket closer to his person.
'I'll find you…'
He had to.
He just had to.
"So, you're the infamous L."
L blinked as he stared up at the bespectacled man standing in front of him, mentally thanking Mail in his head for the address stuck half-hazardously within his folder perched within the confines of his desk.
A folder set up with a specific purpose…
"And you must be Mikami Teru." L stated, not surprised that Light's acquaintance knew who he was without a proper introduction. If they were even half as sneaky as Light, they were dangerous enough… "It's very nice to meet, even if they are under… mysterious circumstances.
"Hm." Mikami gave the man a quick perusal before shaking his head in clear amusement. "He's not here, so don't even ask."
"Do you know where-"
"Of course I don't." Feeling a bit miffed about being cut off, L felt his eye twitch in agitation. "Doesn't tell me anything he thinks I might not want to hear, because unlike him, I'm not so heavy about breaking the law. Even if I know I won't get caught."
"I see." L couldn't halt the progression of curses and swears that rampaged through his thoughts, his only lead a figurative bust. "Do you at least have any idea on where he might be?"
For a split second, a mournful gleam sparkled at the edge of Mikami's tough façade, dark brown eyes just as meaningful as a person who actually cared for another person should look like.
"Trust me, L. If I knew where he was… he would be here with me instead."
And just like that the door was practically closed on L's face, and he was right back where he started.
Confused.
Alone.
And so, so terrified.
There was blood on his doorknob.
L felt his heart stop within his chest, the dark shadows under his sleepless eyes making them appear larger than they actually were.
Almost two weeks of constant searching for clues, never-ending questions and unending aches and pains, and there was blood.
On.
His.
Doorknob.
Carefully maneuvering his fingers until they were covered by his coat's sleeve, L pushed the door open with a tiny jingle of the doorknob and nearly fell over at the sight covering his kitchen floor.
Naked feet sprinkled with tiny lacerations and what seemed to be dirty glass and long legs covered by dirt-and-blood splattered jeans led up to a nearly bare torso, battered and cut-up in various places that weren't covered by the shredded jacket hanging off of the shoulders. The smooth neck he loved to lavish unneeded affection to was decorated with various fingerprints and scabs, tracks of dried blood trailing up the wounded surface of skin to meet a swollen face, eyes closed and shaded with bruised darkly-colored skin. Sandy-brown locks lay disheveled and dirty over the boy's forehead, his awkward sprawl on the floor showing off his new wounds quite spectacularly as the bright kitchen light emphasized what the late night darkness that usually shaded the two men usually couldn't.
A tiny movement from the twisted-together fingers mapped out against the once-pristine floors broke L out of his frozen state, a bedraggled cough shaking the weak body as those pinched red-rimmed eyes opened in slits.
Quickly rushing to his lover's side, L sighed in relief as those weak arms carefully reached up so that he could pull them up-
As if there had been a doubt that he wouldn't.
"I didn't… know where else to go." Light admitted, his eyes blurry with pain. Hands that weren't his own smoothed out the contours of his pain-wracked features, cool touches refreshing in almost every way. "I didn't want to go anywhere else."
Holding him close within his arms, L shuddered as that warm breath hit his neck and everything, everything felt right again.
It didn't matter that Light was hurt for the matter; he was back here, where it was safe. L would make sure it stayed that way, no matter what.
Tears lashed against his own corneas as those arms loosened in exhaustion, the boy's eyes completely shut and almost relaxed under the strain of pain overwhelming his body.
"Why is it every time I find you like this," L pulled himself within the unconscious boy's loose embrace, eyes wet and stinging, "I'm the one crying?"
If Light had been awake, he would have laughed.
It figured that all he was good for…
Was making L cry.
It was quiet.
L smiled as he closed his bedroom door behind him, the slim form shrouded underneath the dark covers draped over it trembling in the middle of his mattress.
"Light?" Though the shaking did not decrease, a tuft of hazel-brown hair peeked over the mountain of sheets piled upon the bed, golden-amber eyes glowing within the darkness the room had to offer. "Are you alright, Light?"
Still, it was quiet.
Two days, and the silence that had clouded over them refused to release the two stubborn men from its shackles.
"Light…?"
Why did it have to be so quiet?
Sitting down on the mattress beside the now-unmoving lump invading his bed, L slowly raked his fingers through the splayed out hair poking out from underneath the covers, his mouth opening and speaking without his consent.
"I could say I'm sorry a thousand times and it still wouldn't make this any better, would it?" Turning his head to the side, L glanced over at the large window that was still shielded by the shades. "I promised myself that I wouldn't ever make you hurt, you know. And what's the first thing I do when both of our guards are finally down? It's obvious that you think that you're the more fucked up one in this room, but I can assure you that that's not exactly the case."
The more he spoke, the more L himself felt as if he himself understood the situation at hand. Little by little, his soul became a bit lighter to carry and those light-brown eyes began to appear from under their fortress of cloth.
"I've never been very well-versed in social contracts. Even my own parents felt… awkward around me. Why shouldn't my lovers feel the same as well?" L chuckled darkly, thinking on past romances… if you could even call them that. "But I wanted to be different with you. You were… you reminded of myself, when I was younger and not all the well-adjusted in the world. I never got into fights; not physically, like you did. I always battled with my mind. Hell, even my professors and bosses couldn't keep up with me. So in turn, they attempted to use my own emotions to their advantage…"
"I suppose if I am in any way guarded and cold, my own peers are to blame. How do you differentiate friend from foe when everyone holds the same cards and ill-intentions within their hands? But I wanted to take a chance with you, Light. Even if it was all just a charade, I would have continued on if it meant being able to hold onto you…" Frowning, L finally moved his gaze away from the window and stared down the set of golden-brown set of eyes now carefully listening to his every word. "We both have scars, Light. I just hide mine within the confines of my mind, ashamed of what they mean to me. Out of the both of us, you were always the stronger one. I just haven't been able to admit it until now."
"I don't know what I can do to make this right," Light felt his chest constrict, those dark eyes penetrating as always, even as the vulnerability filling those depths consumed him completely and that voice continued on as if there was no hitch within its tone or the watery texture of his eyes wasn't apparent, "or if I even deserve a second chance. I suppose you were right when you said that I was someone who would never be satisfied with what I had. Even… even you."
A hand crawled out from their sheet-made cocoon and grabbed a hold on the detective's own unsteady limb, those eyes still vigilant in their stare.
Though he still didn't say a word, the quiet wasn't nearly as suffocating as before.
Light smiled as he hugged his mother and sister, the tears staining the older woman's cheeks nothing compared to glittery globs of liquid falling off Sayu's.
"Light! Don't you EVER do that to me ever again, do you understand young man?!" Pulling back from her son's embrace, Sachiko nearly pulled out his ear before slapping him behind his head. "I was worried out of my mind, and God knows how this affected L and your sister!"
"I'm sorry," the now timid-looking 19-year-old nearly cooed as his mother brushed back his disorderly hair, for once out of its usually immaculate style. "I didn't mean to disappear like that; I…"
Sachiko nodded as she heard the unspoken message, pulling her son back into her embrace before moving her stare over to L, who stood just over Light's left shoulder.
"Thank you." She mouthed, smiling slightly as her son pulled back and glanced back over at L as well.
"Yeah! I knew L would be the one to bring big brother home!" Grabbing onto her mother, Sayu practically jumped the unsuspecting detective and strangled him with a bear hug. Giggling at her daughter's overly-affectionate ways, Sachiko demurely did the same, shaking her head as the 27-year-old became tense in their embrace. "L is such an awesome boyfriend, isn't he Light?!"
L stumbled back as both mother and daughter then proceeded to attempt to strangle him via hugging the crap out of him, uncomfortably surrounded by laughing women as his lover guffawed in the background.
"What did they do to you?"
Light blinked as he stared up at the ceiling, the familiar vision comforting him as the vestiges of his nightmare faded back into the oblivion they had been conjured from.
The question, however, had slowly been filtered into his consciousness, and from the hands gently kneading his shoulders and the body hovered over from, eyes now blocking his view of the lovely ceiling, he knew he couldn't not answer it at this point.
"What?"
But once again, it wasn't like Light to at least try to avoid the inevitable.
"You heard me." L whispered against his ear, taking in the frantic quivers of the other's body and painful scowl unconsciously written across Light's lips and nearly gagging at the thoughts now circulating his head. "What did they do to you?"
It was a loaded question and they both knew it.
"What didn't they do to me?" The golden-skinned young man whispered in his lover's ear, his voice hoarse from yells he could not remember and gasps he wished to never repeat.
For once, L didn't continue with his questioning as Light reached for the lamp and turned it on.
He had spent a long time abstinent before Light came along.
It was not to say that L was a virgin or anything, but he wasn't one of those guys (like Light) who went out every other Saturday night looking for a good drunken screw.
But almost two years in his… relationship, and he was, surprisingly, being denied the one constant that had been set within their relationship.
It wasn't that L was just with Light for the sex (though L would have to be a moronic liar to say it wasn't fantastic), but the worriment from before only intensified once Light stopped any and all physical interaction.
He had seen and caressed every part of the boy's being; the scars nothing new, the wounds not bothersome in the least. It wasn't as if L enjoyed watching his lover suffer, he was just used to it.
But…
All touching had ceased, and L was not one to be oblivious to the signs, no matter how much he wished he could be.
"What did they do to you?"
He hadn't thought much of it at the time.
Simply wanted to help his lover at time of such obvious distress.
Now, all he wanted to do was hurt whoever had damaged what was his and take them apart with his own bare hands…
"What did they do to you?"
Light's silence…
It had been the only answer he had needed.
"What did they do to you?"
How had he survived?
Whatever the extent of the tortures Light had suffered on those miscreant's hands, L knew a normal person wouldn't have been able to handle it.
"What did they do to you?"
Maybe it was better if he didn't find out…
"I'll be back in a little while," L calmly explained, his boyfriend's skeptical stare almost freezing him in his tracks. "I'll call you when I'm on my way home."
"Ok." Light nodded obediently for once, not a word of protest falling from his lips.
That right there should have set off L's 'Light's about to do something bat-shit-crazy' meter.
"Great." Kissing him lightly on the cheek, L grabbed his bag as he went to walk out of the apartment, not noticing the gleam within his lover's eye as he did so.
Prowling off the couch, Light turned off the TV and grabbed his sneakers.
He had feeling today was going to be a long day.
"This is in-sane…" Mail muttered as he pulled out the cigarette from his lips, the cloud of smoke hitting his eyes comforting even as it stung his now-unprotected gaze. "L, you do realize just how crazy this is, right?"
Mihael rolled his eyes as he leaned back against the wall of the abandoned factory they were circling around. "Shut up, Mail. We're here already so stop your bitching."
The redhead sneered as he took another drag from his cigarette before stomping it out on the ground, green eyes blazing with annoyance. "That's funny; don't I usually end up saying that to your bitch-ass instead of the other way around?"
L coughed before the two men could start another cat-fight of sorts, pointing up at the old rickety ladder leading up to the half-wrecked fire-escape twirling around the back part of the building.
"I'm going in."
"Right. We'll wait right her-SHIT!" Wincing as Mihael grabbed his ear and pulled him in L's direction, Mail sputtered rather indignantly. "C'mon, Mihael, can't I just-"
"Shut the hell up and let's go!"
"So that's him, huh?" Mihael quietly asked against L's ear, the three men pressed up against each other as they surveyed the large room the apparent meeting was being held. Mail nodded as he pushed the tape-recorder back into the interior pocket of his furry vest, the large oafish man sitting above the group of miscellaneous boys and men spouting on and on about the importance of loyalty… "Seems like your lover-boy definitely pissed off the wrong people, L."
"Hm." Pushing himself out of the tiny darkly-lit hobble of space, L felt his cheek twitch in agitation. "Mihael, go give the signal to the other's, Mail, stay right here and keep recording."
"L, I know you're running love-blind right now, but this is not part of our job description…"
"What the hell are you doing?! Do you want to get murdered?!"
"Just do as I say!" L snapped, his dark-gray eyes centered on the half-mob encircling the interior of the large building.
Mail bit his lip as he stayed where he was, Mihael a bit more reluctant as he slowly moved away from their hiding place before scurrying out the way they came in. Knowing that he was most likely going to feel a new world of pain within the next few minutes, L felt a slight pinch of longing attack him unexpectedly.
'I knew I should have held him a bit longer this morning…'
Light sighed as he stared out at the crowd, not appearing the least bit cowed as his lover stared at him with anxious surprise.
The look on his face was quite apparent, honey-brown eyes twitching with agitation.
How did I know you were going to do something stupid?
"If it ain't little ol' Light back home so soon after our little lesson of love!" The large bulky man halted in his movements, lowering his gun from L's face as he did so. "Heh. I knew you'd be back sooner or later, kiddo… and luckily enough, you came just as things are about to get oh so fun!"
"Not quite." Light shrugged as he casually made his way through the men practically jumping aside at the sight of him. "You have something that belongs to me is all, and I've come here to claim it back."
"Excuse me?! I don't need nothin' of yours." Shoving L aside, the narrowed-eyed gang leader stepped off his little 'pedestal' to meet Light halfway. "And don't talk to me that way, kid! I give the order and the only way you get out of here is in a body bag!"
Snorting in distaste, Light glanced over his shoulder as a sudden crash was heard and stomps of angry men echoed within the large room. "Then you better do it quick, Asai, because you don't have much time it seems."
"You fucking little son of a bitch!" Asai yowled as he moved forward, his gun held out in front of him and ready to shoot. Light kept his position, his eyes stone-like and dead. Just as the Asa went to pull the trigger, however, a thin figure covered in blood threw itself at him, kicking the gun out of his hands just he twisted out onto the ground.
L coughed as he blinked, sprawled out on the ground as a familiar pair of sneakers ran towards him.
'Run… away…'
Before anyone else could pull out their own weapons and attempt to shoot either of them in cold blood, the most beautiful phrase L had ever heard reverberated within the building.
"FREEZE OR WE'LL SHOOT!"
The worried features of his boyfriend's still-bruised face were the last thing L saw before he succumbed to his own version of heavy sleep and forgetful dreams.
"Why would you DO something SO STUPID?!"
L flinched as his boyfriend roughly pressed a washcloth to his still-bruised face and growled rather animalistically, honey-brown eyes narrowed and tinted red under the artificial light of his bedroom.
Honestly, L didn't have an answer towards Light's question, but from the look on the lovely brunette's face, he was sure one wasn't necessary.
"So…?" L barely coughed out, his body bruised beyond belief. "Ok?"
"The paramedics did a quick run over with you while you were out cold, but the doctor came in a little while ago before you woke up." Light calmly (or as calmly as he could) explained. "You don't have any broken bones, though you do have a heavy case of bruised-as-shit ribs. You didn't suffer any head injuries and they said you passed out from blood loss. You're fine."
"… … You?"
"They didn't touch me. And surprisingly the cops didn't think of anything when they saw me; some redhead told them I was an acquaintance of yours and that I had nothing to do with the situation at hand." Light snorted before pulling the washcloth away from L's face. "I'm sure Asai and some of the others will have something different to say about that…"
"You… don't worry." L smiled as he laid back, the drugs he was currently taking in via I.V. relaxing him despite the stringent worry pulling at his emotions. "I'll… take care of… it."
"That's not the point, L. I didn't want you involved with this for a reason! I didn't report them when they beat the shit out of me so that something like this wouldn't happen!" The usually mellowed voice cracked as tears clung to Light's lashes, staring down at L's form as if it were his worst nightmare come to life. And from the way he was speaking, it seemed it was. "Not to my mother, not to Sayu and… and not to you. Why… Why couldn't you understand that? It wasn't just about what was good for me, but for you too…"
Slowly bringing his arms up to grasp Light's shoulder despite the sluggish heaviness invading his limbs (damn drugs), L smiled tiredly. "I… didn't want you… to hurt anymore."
Not able to hold it in any longer, the younger man practically collapsed into the dark-haired investigator's embrace, burying his head into the other's shoulder as a warm wetness soaked through the thin sheet of papery-linen the gown L had on. "Don't you get it?! It hurts me more to see you like this than any punch to the face possibly could! Why did you have to do something like that, L? I can't… I can't lose you too! I refuse!"
Though L didn't wish to admit it, watching Light breakdown like this was amazing. It wasn't as if he had never seen the multiple facets of his lover's personality, nor could he claim that he had never seen him near-hysterical, but this was the first time that such rabid emotional wreckage was created because of him.
It shouldn't have made him feel so good.
But it did.
'I must be even sicker than Light if I can take such pleasure in his obvious pain in my condition…' L thought, though not for the first time.
Patting the boy on his head, the detective sighed as his eyes closed and he drowned in black once more.
He knew when he woke, he still have his Light.
"Light…?"
The boy said nothing as he stared out the window, their bedroom (theirs, not just his anymore) growing cold from the air coming in through the tiny opening. Shirtless and shivering, L stared at the multiple scars intricately roving up the brunette's back as he drew little designs against the cold sheet of fog congesting the pane of glass in front of him.
"I don't want to be alone anymore." Light admitted quietly, his bare back (so full of scars and faded bruises) now tense under L's morose scrutiny.
"When have I ever given you the impression that you have to be?" The detective smirked as he placed his chin on Light's shoulder, hands grasping at his sides. Shirtless himself, he almost laughed as a lethal came up and poked his side. "Are you tired?"
"Yeah." Light nodded as L pulled him away from the window, the dead of night no longer as welcoming as it used to be. "Yeah, I am."
"C'mon…"
Delving within the blankets, L smiled as Light lied back down on the pillows and closed his eyes.
No red.
No markings.
No bruises.
Nothing.
It all started (again) with a touch of a hand.
It was like getting to know each other all over again, but that was ok.
Because this was real.
And that was all L had ever wanted for the both of them.
So he would remember that first true touch and all the ones that came after it with a fondness that matched the animosity he felt rumble within him whenever he thought about their first night together.
Smiling to himself, L closed his eyes and leaned against the warm body next to him, not sure how he got to this point, but loving it and hating it all the same-
Because this was real.
And even if it wasn't perfect, it didn't need to be.
Not just yet, anyway.