A/N: I think I've been listening to too much Lady Gaga. -.-; So, peeps asked for a continuation of the last part and I finally delivered. Will there be a part five? That is up to you guys. See, I have too many stories on my plate, and though I am not a review-whore, I am going to have to ask you guys just what it is you guys *actually* want to read. (Shock, I know) Because my mind is all over the place. Seriously. I need some help here. PLEASE.
If you guys want to see this continued please let me know. If not, this might be the end of the line with the BR series (since there's just a boatload of crap practically begging for my attention unfortunately and these installments are no joke T.T). Just sayin'.
Now, about the actual story. -.-; I got a lot of questions about the last installment and I'm hoping this next installment answers a lot of them so that I don't have to. Lol. The song pick for the last chapter makes a lot more sense if you read this chapter, I think. You get a lot more insight into L and Light's messed up mind frames (and people will hopefully ease up on Light! Maybe… lulz).
Warnings: Um… excessive cussing at some points (cuz Light's a gangsta in this story. Srsly this time. Hahahaha) and some mentions to sexuality but no actual yaoi in this one. (SORRY FAN-GIRLS!) This chapter is actually a bit more light-hearted (I know, strange to think) than other chaps but still does have some angst and drama to watch out for. Mentions of violence and rape… huh… I think that's it. Wow. Yeah. This fic is breaking all the rules people! (Not really.)
Disclaimer: Don't own DN or "Monster" by Lady Gaga. Plot's all mine though! ;-)
"He ate my heart…
(I love that girl)
He ate my heart…
(Wanna talk to her, she's hot as hell)
He ate my heart…
(I love that girl)
He ate my heart…
(Wanna talk to her, she's hot as hell)
He licked his lips,
Said to me,
"Girl, you look good enough to eat…"
Put his arms around me-
Said "Boy, now get your paws right off of me!"
I asked my girlfriend if she'd seen you round before-
She mumbled something while we got down on the floor, baby!
We might've fucked, not really sure, don't quite recall…
But something tells me that I've seen him, yeah-
That boy is a monster!
(M-m-m-monster!)
-Could I love him?-
That boy is a monster!
(M-m-m-monster!)
-Could I love him?-
That boy is a monster!
(M-m-m-monster!)
-Could I love him?-
That boy is a monster-er-er-er-er."
-"Monster" by Lady Gaga
Title: Monster
Light kept his gaze on the kitchen table as the sound of metal hitting the edges of marbleized clay echoed loudly within his ears. A large board of round wood kept both sitting men at a sizeable distance from each other, neither pair of eyes able to meet under the bright kitchen light suspended above them. Twirling the spoon sitting within the steaming dark-colored liquid sloshing quietly within the mug in front of him, Light held in a snort as seconds quietly turned into minutes and minutes ticked away into hours…
The silence grew stronger as Light shifted within his seat, not quite sure what it was that L was waiting for him to say. The unanswered questions on both of their parts lingered within the air, amplifying the tension seeping through even their tendons and limbs.
What are you doing here? Light bit back.
Why aren't you saying anything? L mentally persisted.
"How's your mother doing?" L asked instead, staring down at his cup of coffee as if it instead held the answers he sought.
"Fine." Light spat out as curtly as he could, all civility gone from his tone (if there was any to begin with). His own gaze began to burn with righteous anger as the small talk spurned him with an unexpected rage that he thought to have died since the last time the statuesque-like brunet had spoken to the raven-haired detective.
"And your sister?"
"… … Fine."
"I see…" L murmured lamely. L caught himself as his mouth dropped open for a brief second and dark eyes attempted to catch hazel-brown, the question flying out of his mouth without the older man's consent. "And how have you be-"
"Don't." The honey-eyed brunet growled as his eyes snapped forward, finally meeting L's own petrified face in a moment of clarity within the haze of anger clouding his judgment. "Let's cut the crap, L. What the hell are you doing here?"
"Straight to the point as always…" Was the murmured sarcastic reply, doing nothing to extinguish Light's ever-persisting annoyance.
"With you around," Light pointed out, "somebody has to be."
"I… wanted to see you. Is that so hard to believe?"
"And?" The college student prodded as L shifted within his seat, his discomfort for once visible for all to see.
"To see how you were doing obviously."
Light snorted as he put down the mug and glared at the detective. "You haven't cared for the last couple of months just how it is I was doing. My question, as subtle as it seems to be, is what the hell are you doing here now?"
"To…"
"To…?"
"I don't know." L finally admitted, the look on his face finally matching the tone of his voice. Dismal gray eyes gazed down at the table in a forlorn fashion, obviously thinking back on times when this was not so hard. Pale fingers twisted against one another as the dark smudges smeared underneath those bland eyes stood out much more prominently than before, airing out a more truthful feel than L's own words ever could.
Frankly he looked like shit and Light, who was sporting his own set of downtrodden eyes and extremely-tired features, didn't feel all that much better.
Tracing the angular cheek bones and narrow nose all painted a white sickly pallor with a desperate need to memorize them before they disappeared (again) Light held off on his own speech.
"I just… needed to see you." L quietly spoke as Light continued to stare at him through lidded eyes, lashes curled naturally to near perfection.
Rolling his eyes with an agitation he truly did not feel, Light clucked his tongue. "You seem to have the knack of bursting into my life when you're the least wanted yet disappearing when I need you the most."
"I…"
"Have nothing to say to that obviously." Light ignored the sullen look L developed in his face. "Did you honestly think that it would be that easy? That you could come here with supposed 'good intentions' and I would think nothing of the time we've been apart? You were the first serious relationship I had invested myself in ever. And you hurt me in a way that I still don't know if I can forgive. Bruises fade L. Trauma doesn't."
"I made a mistake." L declared suddenly. "I thought… it was stupid what I thought. I was just tired of everything; work, worrying about you, about me… you were my first too. I'm not perfect Light."
"I know. Why do you think I let you inside?" The college student smirked as his companion blinked in surprise, obviously not expecting what Light had had to say. "I'm not perfect either, but I'm not the reason we broke up. So, if you want this relationship as badly as I think you do, we're going to do this the old fashion way."
"What?"
"You know I hate repeating myself, L." Light stated blandly.
"You would not have to if you clarified everything you implied the first time around Light." L retorted, obviously not in the mood for jokes. "Now please, clarify."
"We aren't normal and it's stupid to pretend that we could ever be that pretty picture that everyone thinks about when they imagine what their future relationships are going to be like, but I think that part of the reason we never get along with each other is because we don't take the time to actually talk toeachother." The weary brunet explained. "All we do is assume things about what the other's thinking; everything is just another game, and it always seems as if we're both just waiting for the next big argument. We didn't start this relationship like normal people do. It was just sex. And then it was living together and sex. There was nothing else… so how can we say we feel anything for each other if we barely know anything about ourselves."
"That's a lie." The detective nearly leapt over the chair as he stood up, the back of the chair scraping unpleasantly against the tiled floor."I know more about you than I do my own job! I could name your favorite color, your birthday, your likes and dislikes and how those things have changed over the years. I can tell you your favorite song and why, what courses your currently enlisted in and what your future goals are. I can even tell you about memories I haven't lived to see, all by your own words. I listened, Light. How can you think otherwise?"
"Then why did you think I was cheating on you if you listened so well?" L quickly shot back into his seat, mouth stretched out into a thin line. "This goes beyond what I like and don't like, L. This is about insecurities. About… trust. And no matter what you have to tell me, you're going to have to work for it just as I'll have to work for yours."
"Wait… what?"
"You heard me." Light cheerfully exclaimed as he stood up and grabbed L by the forearm, practically skipping towards the exit within the living room as L walked on obliviously. "You, meaning the person following after me with the dumb look on his face, are going to have to work towards this relationship and do what it takes to salvage it along with me, which means put actually effort into pursuing me and not just wanting to fuck me. That enough clarification for you or should I try to put it into much simpler terms?"
Ignoring the jab sent in his direction L felt his mouth twitch as his wide eyes narrowed in frustration and displaced anger. "Didn't I already do that? How the hell did this relationship start if not with me chasing after you?"
"Well, when you put it that way, if you did it once," Light smirked as he was closing the door, eyes narrowed with challenge. "I'm sure you can do it again."
Light ignored the tired giggle behind him, the tinkling sound of bells echoing off the walls as Sayu's old slippers scratched against the rugged floor and stopped behind him.
"Bit harsh weren't you?"
Shrugging slightly, Light for once didn't disagree.
"I don't know…" L muttered as he let his head fall onto the desk, the two men in front of him giving him nonsensical grins that illuminated the mischief within their eyes. "I don't know what he wants from me, damn it!"
"That should be obvious." Mihael snorted. "He wants to feel-"
"SHHHH!" Mail covered his boyfriend's mouth with his hand. "You'll spoil the surprise if you tell him!"
"Fuck you." The blond poignantly countered as he pried the appendage off of his face. "And L, just do what you do best; follow him around until he cracks. Trust me. It's what he wants."
"Really?"
"Absolutely." Mihael almost laughed outright at the look of glee set upon his employer's face as he dragged Mail out of the office. Mail, of course, had succumbed to his laughter once the expression had registered within his head, hence the reason Mihael had had to drag him out of the office.
"You," Mail whispered between giggles and snorts, "are an asshole."
"Hmph. I'm not the one letting him run around half-blind am I? I think you're the real asshole out of the both of us." Walking out of the large office building, Mail shrugged as Mihael glared at him conspiratorially. "He's totally going to get chewed out by Lightie-boy and you don't even care."
"Just desserts, my love." Weaving an arm around his boyfriend's shoulders Mail grinned. "Just desserts."
4/31/10 – 9:30 PM
L: So… what are you doing tonight?
Light: Making love to my school assignments and having multiple trysts with my research paper. Wth do you want L?
L: We should have dinner tonight.
Light: If by dinner you mean a bag of chips and a weird cheese sandwich that I'm sure I'll kill myself for eating later on then I'm already booked. Sorry.
L: Are you available tomorrow night then?
Light: What do you think?
L: … … … You are not going to make this easy for me are you?
Light: ;-) What do you think?
L: … … … shit.
"Light?" The dark-haired law-student nearly tumbled over his own feet as he glanced over his shoulder, wondering if his eyes were playing tricks on him.
"Yes, Mikami?"
"Uh… well…"
Fixing the straps of his proverbial 'man-purse' from continually slipping off his shoulder, Light impatiently rolled his eyes before clucking his tongue. "Well, what?"
"Is… your ex-boyfriend…" Mikami hesitated for a moment before glancing back over his shoulder again. "Stalking us?"
"Yes. Yes he is." Light deadpanned as Mikami nearly tripped over his own feet, eyes widening at the implications of what was just said to him. And there L was, strolling behind the two men at a modicum pace that emphasized the slouch of his shoulders and dreary stare. In plain sight. "Why do you ask?"
"Um… because he's stalking us? Isn't that usually a good enough reason to ask the question?" The dark-haired man shivered as the chills rolling up his spine hinted at the set of eyes now locked onto his own figure, barely fighting off the urge to turned back around and stare right back.
"Well, it is L…" Honey brown eyes crinkled as Light sardonically smiled. "I kind of expect it at this point. He's really predictable once you get to know him."
"And that makes stalking us ok?" Honestly if Light wasn't as gorgeous as he was Mikami was pretty sure he would have been institutionalized by the massive amounts of crazy he hid underneath his pretty. Biting back a gasp the older of the two halted his steps and pointed at the detective now barely a foot away from them, miraculously having produced an ice-cream cone and eating it whilst watching the two men 'linger'. "Oh my God, don't tell me he's turned into one of those psycho stalkers you have to beat off at school!"
Light shrugged as he proceeded to walk onwards. "L's always been a psycho stalker… and it's not like you're much better."
"Hey! What does that mean?"
"Besides, better that he's following me than him following somebody else." The college student continued on as if he hadn't been interrupted at all. "At least I know he's still interested and not ready to give up like the last time."
"So it's ok to stalk you."
Light blinked as he slowed down and grabbed the rest of L's ice-cream, not the least bit daunted by the pair of dark eyes and blasé expression flourishing over L's face.
"I want strawberry next time." The criminal-justice student stated as he ate the rest of the cone, not giving Mikami's weirded-out face another glance.
"… … … You're sick, Light."
Wiping off a bit of vanilla ice-cream from his chin Light grinned.
"… … You're telling me."
5/12/2009 – 5:55 PM
Light: Ok, now you're getting a bit carried away.
L: Whatever do you mean Light?
Light: Punching a guy in the face because he was staring at my ass while we are *not* together is *not* ok. Stop. It.
L: I have no idea what you are talking about.
Light: L, I *saw* you do it. In front of me. After which you then proceeded to grope me in front of *everybody* walking down the street. WTF L?
L: I still have no idea what you are talking about Light.
Light: You're not going to stop are you?
L: ^.^ Nope.
Light: -.-; Fucker.
Light bit back a raucous guffaw as he sat down within the tiny booth of the restaurant he was hiding away within. A large poof of dark hair appeared over the rim of the other side of the seat, bouncing tiredly as the lithe frame that usually accompanied the hairstyle appeared before him.
"Light, may I sit down now?" L inquired as he shoved his way into the seat in front of him, not even waiting for Light to respond to his question as he did so. "Tracking you down like this is much more exhausting than I originally thought it would be."
"… I'm… sure…" The younger man concluded, the smirk on his face not lessening in the least.
"I did not think that you would put so much effort into trying to lose me." L glared.
'Took you long enough to figure that out.' Light instead replied, "Now why would you think that?"
"Because it is precisely what you are doing and I need no veritable evidence that you are doing so?"
"… Nice."
"Honestly, Light." Though L's tone was exasperated, Light could tell just how much exhaustion the detective was hiding behind his usual blank slate of an expression. "How long must I continue to do this? It is obnoxious and unnecessary."
"Really? So you acting like a possessive ass isn't obnoxious and unnecessary?"
"I am simply 'marking my territory' so to speak."
"What am I, a tree?" Light laughed out right, feeling more amused than insulted by L's convoluted ideas. "Does that make you the dog then?"
"Will I get to pee on you if I say yes?" The pervert slickly interjected.
"And there goes that conversation."
Fixing himself within the chair, L gave the boy one of his rare smiles; his own enjoyment was beginning to shine through his annoyance as L finally conceded that as much as he had missed the physical aspect of their relationship, their banter and easy-going attitudes around each other had been just as missed. This had been what they had been missing for the later of their relationship.
Perhaps… Light knew what he was doing after all?
"Are you hungry?" Light smiled.
L nodded slowly, bringing his legs down so that his ratty sneakers touched the floor and their knees brushed against each other in a gentle fashion.
'Starving.'
"L, the big guys are starting complain about your lack of… shall we say, work being completed." Mihael complained as he threw a paper plane directly into the older man's forehead, blue eyes gleaming with mischief. "I think your new hobby isn't being looked up as nicely as you might've hoped."
"Let me worry about that, Mello."
Mihael felt his eyes twitch as Mail made a jerky motion from behind him. "Listen, boss, just because you happen to be in love with the most difficult and manipulative jerk-face on this side of the solar system doesn't mean you get the right to push us around."
"Yes. Because my being your boss doesn't grant me that luxury…" L caustically stated. "Aren't you supposed to be working anyway?"
"On what? You're the one who hands out our assignments!"
L became incredibly silent as he turned back to the document sitting on his desk, ignoring the steaming blond glaring at him.
Mail sighed as he grabbed one of the files sitting on top of L's desk and dragged his lover out of the office before either Mihael or L decided that beating the crap out of each other would make a good way to pass the time.
"Bye L!"
"FUCK YOU!"
L waved them both off as he hid his smirk behind his hand.
God he loved messing with people… that always seemed to put him back in a good mood.
Light groaned as he lifted his head up from the pile of homework he had been using for a makeshift pillow, a piece of paper sticking to the side of his face as an annoying song (that his friend Misa had picked, no less) rang loudly within his ears, his phone vibrating next to him as its lights began blaring along with the music (if it could be called that). Wiping away any embarrassing slobber from his face, Light picked up his cell-phone and quickly pressed the green 'call' button so as to end the pain.
"H-hello?" The boy croaked out as he stared at his alarm clock, the bright numbers indicating that it was still early morning and that Light indeed was not late.
"Light?" A monotone voice crackled against the earpiece as Light blinked away the sleep from his eyes the best he could.
"… … L."
"Yes?"
"It's five o'clock in the damn morning. Please tell me you are either hurt, mugged, being threatened in some way, shape or form or about to die. Otherwise, hang up and maybe I won't kick your ass later on for this." As he continued to speak the more awake Light became and he hated L for it. The older man knew that though Light did not sleep much, when he did, it was not a time to disturb the exhausted college student.
That's how L acquired that lovely black eye he had happily sported for a good week…
And the bruised shins…
And the sprained wrist…
And the bloody ear…
And the continual handprint-shaped bruises that adorned his cheeks every other week at the office whilst they had still been together.
L had said that though he suffered for it, he had always enjoyed the bedraggled expression set on his love's face the first few moments he woke up-
Apparently that face had made all the pain afterward worth it.
'I forgot about that…'
"Are you done with your rant Light?"
"What do you want L?" Light attempted to get back his no-nonsense tone but knew that it was a lost cause. It was too early and he was filled with too many fuzzy feelings to actually want to keep up the façade at this point. "I still have a good four hours before I need to actually get up and you're disturbing my sleep-equilibrium…"
"I missed your voice."
Light's jaw seemed to unhinge at the words.
"Tell me that was a joke."
"Why is it that everything I say seems to amount to another joke with you Light? Should I come visit you?"
"It's five o'clock in the morning!" Light exclaimed, not sure how he would explain that one to his mother. "And where do you get your transitioning skills from anyway?"
"… … Is that a yes?"
"NO."
"Fine." L sighed out into the receiver. "I will speak with you later then. Thank you for humoring me Light."
Even after the sound of the phone being disconnected reverberated within his ears, Light still sat behind his desk with a bewildered look on his face and the beginnings of a smile itching against the sides of his lips.
"Light." Mikami sighed out as he sat down at the bar in front of him and flagged down the bar-tender.
"Yes?"
"… … Your ex-boyfriend is looking at me funny again."
Light nearly let his head fall forward as leaned against the study wooden wall of the bar, already knowing what sight would greet his eyes if he were to give into temptation and turn. L was currently stationed at the farthest right corner of the bar, avidly staring at the brunet as he danced, drank and tried to (read: tried) to have a good time.
Thanks to L, that was no longer a feasible concept.
"How does he keep finding us, anyway…?" Mikami muttered underneath his breath.
Light felt a ghost of a smile seep into his lips as he pointed at the man over his shoulder. "Detective."
"Riiiight…"
"What can I get you?" The bar-tender bellowed as he made his way to the end of the bar. Mikami smiled and opened his mouth to order for the both of them but was stopped as Light waved the man off and stomped away from the bar.
"Light?"
The younger of the two club-hoppers moved through the cloud of people invading the floor and made his way to the lonely table set in a dark corner of the club, the man seated nursing a large scotch that belied his sweet-tooth.
"What are you doing?" Light demanded, face streaked with red from both the heat and embarrassment. "You're not even being the slightest bit discreet at this point!"
"Oh," L blinked before cheerfully smiling up at the disgruntled 21-year-old, "what a coincidence! Who would have thought we'd bump into each other tonight Light!"
Grabbing a seat and shoving himself beside the partially-inebriated investigator, Light fought off a snarl and sighed. "Do you really think this is working in your favor?"
"Light, there are two things about me that I believe you did not think about when you decided to set about this silly challenge of yours." L smirked as he pushed the glass up to his lips and took a small sip, "one, I am insanely stubborn. I did not stop pursuing you the first time you tried to push me away, I doubt I will give up so easily now that I know you do not wish to push me away. Two, I have no personal boundaries. If this wasn't apparent before then I suppose this is only driving the point home. There is no time I won't try to contact you nor is there any place you can go that I won't find as well. You are stuck with me Light and I refuse to let you go."
Light literally could not find anything to say as L continued to down his scotch, golden-brown eyes wide with surprise. With a small pat to his shoulder, the dark-haired deviant pushed his chair closer to Light's and reveled in the closeness for just a little while longer.
"You're not coming inside." Light stated plainly as he slowly unfurled his keys from his pocket, the lone stranger behind him morosely gazing at the plank of wood that would soon obscure the college student from his view. "I mean it. You're not."
"Right."
"I'm not kidding."
"Uh huh."
"Seriously!"
"I believe you."
"Sayu's upstairs and my mom's in bed. Cut. It. Out." Trying to appear as formidable as possible, Light almost bit off his own tongue as L's hand grabbed his own and pulled him closer to his person. "Wah-"
"Then come with me." It wasn't a question or even a suggestion. It was a demand.
Why was it that their relationship seemed to revolve around them?
"I think I'm fine, thanks." Light acidly replied. "Why don't you just go home, L?"
L stared at the boy for a long moment, his eyes losing the spark that had been lying dormant within them the whole night he had been able to stay by Light's side. The hand holding Light's tightened however instead of letting go and the soft gaze hardened into a fierce glare.
"Because it's not home anymore."
"That isn't my fault." Light whispered.
The gray-eyed detective gave the boy a sardonic smile before letting go of his hand.
"I know. It's mine."
The lock popped open, surprising both men leaning against the door. Light turned to say something-
Probably antagonistic
But L quickly pushed himself off of the 21-year-old and rushed down the hallway without so much as a goodbye.
Light instantly bit his lip so as to refrain from calling out to the 29-year-old to come back.
Inside his head, Light tried to convince himself that old habits die hard.
He didn't believe himself in the least.
5/25/2009 - 3:42 AM
L: Light?
Light: L? What do you want?
L: What are you doing?
Light: … … I *was* sleeping. Wtf L?
L: And I was lonely.
Light: Get acquainted with your hand then. I'm sure it misses you.
L: I can name something that misses *you* Light. :-D
Light: DX STOP BEING A PERVERT! I'M NOT GOING TO SLEEP WITH YOU!
L: Whatever do you mean, darling? I miss you Light. What did you think I was going to say?
Light: Being cute is not going to save you! Txt me when I don't feel like killing you!
L: When would that be?
Light: WHEN I'M NOT SLEEPING, MAYBE?
5/25/2009 - 4:42 AM
L: Lightie-Light-Light…
Light: Your death shall not be swift L. You better be fucking bleeding.
L: If my crotch was bleeding would you come inspect it? XD
Light: I can *make* it bleed for you if you would like.
L: … … … Light is so cruel.
Light: Fucking believe it. Now let me effing sleep you sex-deprived idiot.
L: *whimper*
5/25/2009 - 4:59 AM
L: I LUV U LIIIGGHHHTTT!
Light: I'm beginning to think you hate me, L.
L: I lurve you. :3
Light: Killing you would be too kind. I'm so gonna get you for this.
L: Te amo mi amor. ^.~
Light: I still haven't decided how yet…
L: Je t'adore. :)
Light: But you will feel my wrath.
L: Sooo much…
Light: -.-;
5/25/2009 - 5:31 AM
L: … … Are you still sleeping Light?
Light: You're just fucking with me now aren't you?
L: I have no idea what you're talking about Light.
L:Light?
L: Light…?
L: Light, Light, Light, Light, Light, Light!
Light: I WILL FUCKING ANNHILATE YOU, YOU DAMN SON OF A BITCH! AND FEED YOUR INNARDS TO YOUR FRIENDS AND CALL IT L-FRIED-SURPRISE!
L: :-D Love you.
Light: . STOP IT! LET ME SLEEP! I will put this phone on silence, I swear!
L: Light would miss me.
L: Light?
L: Liiiighhhttt…
L: … … … Ttyl Light. :-* ^.^
Light didn't even pretend to be surprised as he entered the apartment he shared with his mother and little sister and found the man he had been trying to avoid (read: trying) for the past week and a half sitting on his couch as his mother regaled to him stories of what had been going on around the house whilst he's been away and Sayu peered over at him with questions within her eyes.
"Light!" Sachiko flourished as she stood up, cup of tea within her hand. "I can't believe you! You didn't tell me that you had gotten back together with L! That's wonderful!"
L didn't even flinch as the intensity of the boy's glare rose several notches.
"I told you, you two were so good together!" The aging mother continued to gush, shoving another piece of cake in front of L's face. "I don't understand you boys and your disagreements!"
"Mother…"
"I'll just leave the three of you alone for a moment and make some more tea! It's been so long since we've had some family time!" Sachiko quickly scurried into the kitchen, an amused twinkle sparkling within her eyes. Sayu turned from her brother to L, who was now staring up at Light with an equally amused smile. A small battle seemed to ensue as they both glared/stared at each other for a full minute, confusing the teenager now munching on the decorative cookies her mother had brought out as soon as she had seen L appear behind her door.
"Are you two just going to eye-fuck each other all night or are we actually going to have some damn tea?"
Light's left eye did a strange twitch as he turned his glare from one nuisance to the other.
Sayu shrugged as she patted the spot next to her, her smile sugary-sweet. "I'm thirsty and quite frankly I don't have the patience to deal with either of your angst."
Ignoring L's awkward chuckle, Light sat himself beside his younger sibling and instead glared at the small table in front of him. Not noticing his mother re-enter the room, the younger of the two males nearly jumped as a pristine cup of tea was laid out in front of him, dark and unsweetened.
"How have you been L?"
It was only until that moment that Light realized that he had been wondering the same thing; letting himself be stalked at all times of the day had left him with a questionable emptiness lingering within his chest and no amount of homework, vapid friends or work could take away his mind from the fulfilled satisfaction Light used to feel whilst simply talking to the older man about the most mundane of things. He had missed the late night talks and random bursts of conversation set through all hours of the day and though L was putting in the effort to re-establish the routine Light had at one time thought he could not live without, it was just not the same.
So Light grabbed his tea and held it between his hands, ears perked and waiting for the response as his heart grew heavy with its newfound revelation.
L shrugged before shoving a large cookie within his mouth. "I've been better."
Golden-brown strands of hair fell forward as Light's disappointment rained over him, the dark bitterness of the scalding hot tea washed pungently against his tongue.
"May I ask you something, Light?"
The aforementioned boy turned his head as he looped his keys around the belt-loop of his pants, chocolate-brown eyes attentive even if his posture said otherwise. The older man next to him, slouched over himself and pulling at his rumpled clothing, smiled at the familiar gesture.
"What is it?" Light responded after a moment of silence.
"When we were still together, there was a period where you didn't touch me… and you didn't want me to touch you too." L drawled out. "We never talked about it; what they did to you."
Light's face became as impassive as stone, the deliberations running through his head causing his eyes to flicker off a much more stoic demeanor. Fingers tightening around the circular keys still lingering within his grasp, Light didn't even blink as L pushed himself into the 21-year-old's personal bubble and slid his jeaned calf around Light's own leg.
"You never brought it up and I guess I just wanted to pretend as if whatever had happened those couple of weeks you were gone didn't, but that was wrong, wasn't it? You did want to talk about it. I just didn't want to listen." Light slowly lifted his head as the words continued streaming out of the dark-haired investigator's lips, staring up at a regretful expression that didn't quite fit L's face. "There were times when I saw you opening your mouth as if you were getting ready to say something and then closing it again after a second's thought. I knew what you were thinking about and yet I let it go anyway. I didn't want to think about you as if you were another victim but that's what you were and I ignored all the signs."
"What's your question L?" Light finally interrupted.
L carefully grabbed the tense hand pressed against the grassy ground underneath them, pressing their shoulders together in way that felt too intimate for Light's tastes. Looking the brunet straight in the eye, the words didn't even falter out of his mouth, "How did you get it over it Light?"
The random fidgeting beside L halted altogether.
For a bare minute nothing but the sounds of their heavy breathing could be heard over the noise of the city, dark eyes wavering whereas brown eyes did not.
"Give over what?" The words were dreadfully quiet but the bitterness underlying the words spoke much more loudly than Light did. "You mean the beatings? The threats? The nightmares? Or the ra-"
"You know what I mean." Throat constricting under the heaviness of his former lover's deadened stare, L, for the first time he had ever known Light, felt intensely uncomfortable underneath the scrutiny. "Just… everything."
"You don't get over something like that L." Light murmured. "I still get nightmares and feel helpless at all the wrong times; I'm human aren't I? I see the scars and I remember. For some reason the memories, they don't fade. Smells, sounds, taste; there are so many triggers that I hid from you, I'm sure you didn't even notice. I couldn't even look at you because I felt… ashamed I guess. When you touched me, I didn't see you. When you kissed me, I didn't feel you. And when you held me… I felt as if I was dying bit by bit. I didn't get over it. I just repressed it. Because…"
The skip of breath broke L out of his trance. Mouth gaping open, he managed to let out one word, "Because…?"
"Why do you think, L? Why the hell would I need to repress it? I remember the looks and the sneers and the off-handed remarks! You always acted as if it were my fault; as if I let them take advantage of me! And I took it because it was my choice to become a fucking criminal but I don't regret it! It helped my family and made sure that my sister had food on the table and my mother didn't have to kill herself to do the things that my father should have." The unmistakable sheen of Light's eyes made L lean closer, feeling as if a part of himself had broken under the reluctant truthfulness of Light's words. "But you made it so hard and I hated it. The daily judgment and the stares… you made me feel like garbage. Do you understand how hard it was to even let you touch me at first, let alone let you fuck me?"
L silently shook his head, bowing his head forward. Still, Light continued. "So I just pushed it all aside and let you do as you pleased. I got drunk when we argued because I didn't know what else to do and I came home and let you fuck me because I never knew what I was supposed to say. Everything I did, it was all because I thought that was what you wanted and I didn't know how else to give it to you! Because I thought it would make everything better but it didn't."
Head snapping forward in surprise, charcoal gray eyes widened immensely. The grin on Light's face was neither comforting nor pleasant in any way.
"It just made everything so much worse."
"… … Oh." L breathed out. "I…"
It was too much. Too much all at once; too much truth, too much feeling, too much unsettled business…
And for once it was not Light who stood up and ran away from his counterpart but the other way around.
L pushed the boy up against the creamy white wall of the boy's bedroom as his lips smashed pleasantly against Light's own slightly hesitant pair, groaning as the pliant mouth beneath his own immediately opened at the familiarity of the body crushed against Light's trimmer frame.
A split second of surprise broke through Light's own mental barrier as he stood stock-still and watched the man as he ravished his lips through open eyes. The familiar pressure and swipe of L's tongue lulled the college student into a strange state of security as Light felt his eyelids shut and his hands come off the walls of his bedroom and tangle within the mess L liked to call his hair. Losing himself in the moment, Light felt himself fall back for a moment to a time where there relationship had not been so complicated but still incredibly difficult to define.
They had always been stuck in between places. It was only now that Light was figuring out just how not normal that was.
"Stop." Light breathed out as he pulled himself away from the pair of tempting lips and pushed against the now-suffocating embrace. "You said you needed your winter jacket back."
"Yes." L heaved out, still staring right at Light's lips.
"Get off of me and I can get it for you." The college student once again pushed against slim shoulders; though L appeared to be the frailer of the two, he was actually stronger and therefore harder to push off. "Please… let me just go get the damn jacket."
"Don't you miss this? Us?" Trying to catch the shaken gaze which refused to meet his own, L began to growl in annoyance. "We can start over. A new beginning for the both of us! We can just forget all the bad things and work towards something better…"
Tanned hands formed fists around the bunched up fabric of L's shirt, Light's chest heaving erratically as his body began to shake. "You can't keep doing this to me!"
L grunted as Light finally pitched his body weight forward and slammed into him headfirst, breaking out of the hold and shuffling as quickly as he could away from the shocked detective now sprawled out on the carpet floor of his bedroom. "I won't forget; I can't forget! Is it really so easy for you to blank out everything we've been through, all the good and bad times we've shared? Is it? Damn it, L, this isn't a fucking game! This is my life and I'm tired of having to follow your damn lead! If this is you trying to win me over, then I hate to see what the hell you would do if it was the exact opposite!"
Light quickly ran out of his room, nearly running his little sister over as he rushed out of the apartment they shared.
Sayu said nothing as she peeked inside her brother's bedroom and saw L staring up at the ceiling, a large bluish-purple bruise forming over his right cheek. Sighing a lamenting breath of sympathy, the young girl left the older man to his devices.
L seriously needed a new dating strategy and quick.
"Do you think he's ok?"
L felt his eye twitch in irritation.
"I don't know… poke him and see what happens."
Again.
"What if he tries to bite me?"
And again.
"It's a sacrifice I'm willing to make."
And again.
"Wait, what?"
"Gentlemen," L growled out, both Mail and Mihael jumping to attention at the raspy sound of the man's usually bland voice, "if you are quite done, I have some things I need to work on… alone."
"Oh…" Mail poked Mihael in the ribs, "he's still trying to find a way to get into lover-muffin's pants, I think."
"I wouldn't be surprised. L's dating strategies suck."
Mihael didn't even flinch as the pencil stifled between L's hands snapped in half.
"I am still in the room!"
"We hadn't noticed." Said blond commented airily. "You were too busy angsting to really pay any attention to."
"Are you trying to make me angry?"
"That depends; are you trying to pay attention to the things we are telling you or are you just going to keep zoning out and giving us plenty of ammunition to annoy your ass both now and in the future?"
L, for once, didn't deign to comment.
"Thank you." Mihael huffed out, legs crossing over each other as the snappy blond lazily stretched himself out over the chair he was situated within. "Now, why don't you tell us what's on your freaking mind so we don't have to keep guessing and you don't have to keep daydreaming."
"I…" L stared down at the broken pieces of wood still littered over his desk, not quite sure why he was hesitating. "I believe I have made an erroneous mistake on Light's part and I am not quite sure how I am supposed to fix it."
"Like…?"
Pride. His hesitation boiled down to pride.
"I… may have been rash in my assumptions over his habits and not handled certain situations as delicately as I should have." The dark-haired man quietly admitted. "Everything I ever assumed about him… I had hoped I wouldn't become that type of boyfriend when we first got together and now look at me. I am exactly what I had hoped I wouldn't be…"
"Finally." Mail suddenly shouted out. L blinked as he glanced up at the redhead, confused beyond belief. "He finally admits his faults! It only took him, what? A couple of months? Almost a year? Damn, I think Light actually got the record this time."
"Some kids get all the luck."
L bit back the dirty look fringed just at the edges of his self-control, biting his thumb as a way to temper back his sudden urges to strangle his two employees.
"Now," Mihael didn't even flinch under the intense rage of L's glare, "you know what it is you were doing wrong. You can't fix what you did back then but you can definitely fix it now. You get me?"
Twisting his fingers around each other, L quietly nodded as he slouched further into his cushiony chair and felt his thoughts take him away from his employees and dissecting every single conversation, if only to prevent every future mistake.
L put away his phone as he watched Light make his way down the steps, his usually borderline-mild features nowhere in sight as L's face seemed to light up with glee.
"L?" Light broke away from his acquaintances in a blink of an eye and tossed his clutch-case over his shoulder. "What are you doing here?"
"I… wanted to walk you home." L shoved his hands into his pocket as he said this, feeling intensely uncomfortable with the people behind the boy staring at him. "Would you like me to accompany you to your house? I leave the decision in your hands."
Surprised by the man's lack of demands, Light nodded quickly, a faint blush settling over his cheeks as he did so.
"How were your classes?" L smiled as Light shuffled his way closer to his person, eyes curious and full of interest towards this change of demeanor. "I haven't been able to really catch up on how your studies are doing lately…"
"I'm doing as good as I can be while working, though I know I probably could be doing better…" Light admitted. "Uh… how about you? How's work been?"
"Fine." L answered vaguely. "Just fine."
"Ok…" They both continued to walk on as Light's voice faded into the street air, the busy streets and bustling sidewalk filling in the silence for the both of them. Light internally wondered what had caused the sudden change in L's mood while L silently hoped that he would not say anything more incriminating or disrespectful than usual.
"So?" Light murmured after a couple of minutes of just walking. "What's this all about?"
"All what about?" Light said nothing, his narrowed brown eyes and thin lips saying everything he didn't need to. L, not wanting to create anymore tension between them than there already was, felt his shoulders sag in exhaustion.
"I…"
"… Yes?"
"I'll get back to you." L practically stuttered out. "I honestly don't know what to say right now, the only thing I know for sure is that I wanted to see you."
"Good." Light smiled. L seemed stunned with disbelief at the word. "What can I say? I like hearing the truth coming out of your mouth every once in awhile."
L took in a small bit of fresh air and shrugged, not having anticipating Light's reaction but grateful nonetheless.
'One step at a time… I can do this one step at a time.'
Grabbing Light's hand after a small bump of the other's appendage, L felt something swell within him that he hadn't felt in a long, long time.
6/15/2009 – 10:14 PM
L: Light, how are you?
Light: You mean since you last saw me 3 hrs ago? … … Fine?
L: I just wanted to make sure. :3 Are you doing anything tonight?
Light: No, but it's kind of late…
L: Tomorrow's your day off isn't it?
Light: o.O How the fuck do you know that?
L: Detective Secret. *^.^*
Light: I suppose I really don't have anything better to do…
L: Exactly. You should spend some happy-times w/me. I'll pick you up in 10 mins.
Light: Just 10 mins?
L: … … … Ok, maybe I'm outside your building now. I just wanted to give you time to get ready. ;-)
Light: Goody. -.-;
L: luv u. :-*
Light: w/e dork. Be down in 5.
L: (v)^.^(v)
Light: lol idiot.
"Why the hell did I agree to this?" Light muttered after another swig of his glass, the light-headed feeling the alcohol procured within him causing nothing but distress. "I don't want this."
L blinked as Light pushed the glass away from him. The golden hand shook for a moment before it was pulled back, the lithe body now stretched out against the fluffy couch of L's apartment. "This is stupid. I was stupid. Take me home."
"What's the matter?" L slurred out, not quite drunk but not quite sober either.
"L, you're trying to get me drunk."
"Nu uh."
"Yeah huh."
"Nu uh."
"Yes you are!"
"Says who?"
Light pulled his head up from the cushion it had been smashed against and blearily glared at the older man.
"… … … Ok, so I was tryin' to get you drunk. Obviously it didn't work now did it?" Taking Light's lead, the dark-haired detective leaned against the arm of his loveseat and sighed. "I wasn't going to do anything forward Light."
Another look.
"Ok, so I was going to do something forward." L once again admitted. "But I'm just tired Light. I… I miss you."
"I was… I mean, I must've been really bad to you, wasn't I?" Light's voice was slightly muffled by the pillow now absconding his face but L managed to hear it just fine. "I must've been doing something really wrong if you thought I was cheating on you."
"How did you-"
"It wasn't that hard to figure out, L. You were pretty obvious about it." The 21-year-old boy whispered, remembering their last argument vividly even if it had been months ago. "I kept thinking to myself, 'Damn Light, you finally fucked up the one relationship you managed to keep steady!' and I was right. So go ahead. Tell me how horrible I was L and then we'll fuck if you really want to. You deserve it… right?"
"Is that all it would be to you?" The older man lamented, the glass in his own hands now empty. "A quick fuck?"
"You're an idiot if you really think that." Light stated, sounding amazingly sober. "You're… just… so much to me. Shit, when the fuck did I turn into such a sentimental drunk?"
"Since always?" L teased. "I love that about you…"
"Do you?" The mussed brunet questioned, face astoundingly serious. The question seemed completely different, no longer pertaining to the tease but a different subject altogether. "Do you, L?"
L's lips curved into a faint smile as he stared down at the cigarettes lying on his table, his fingers itching for something to hold. "… … Always."
Light smiled as he turned his head to the side and stared at his.. what? Ex-boyfriend? Friend? New beau? He didn't even know anymore… "It must've been tough. I know I'm not an easy-going kind of guy."
"No. Not, not exactly. I suppose I just… expected you to change." L quietly admonished "When we first got together, it was one thing. We weren't really together so it didn't really matter to me what you did in your spare time. But after three years, I figured that the club scene would get old and…"
L bit his lip as he fumbled with the lighter in his pocket, the new pack of cigarettes weighing heavily against his hand. "You would be satisfied with the same things I was."
"Why didn't you just tell me how you were feeling instead of blowing up like a little kid?"
"Because that's just what I do Light! I repress and repress and repress then I blow up! Sorry, but we don't all process in the best of ways now do we? Like, I don't know, going out with their friends after a huge argument and getting completely hammered only to come home and have drunken sex with said angry boyfriend!" Light cringed at the enraged glare sent in his direction. "Light, you have no impulse control. Didn't you think that I wouldn't catch that after years of being together?"
"So you thought because there are some nights I go overboard on the liquor that I probably was-"
"Yes." For L, it felt good to finally let everything out in the open. He had been dreading this moment for months and here he was finally letting it loose and it felt wonderful. "And we both know that you haven't the best track record when it comes to guys. Can you really blame me?"
Light was silent for a moment, still as can be. His face, which had once again pillowed itself against the couch cushions, slowly came out of hiding once again, the expression unreadable and his tone plain.
"Yes. YesI can."
The edges of his vision blurred as Light's face was continually brought out of focus, L's fingers trembling as the cigarette was brought to his lips and his free hand searched fruitlessly for a lighter.
"If I didn't want to be with you, I wouldn't. I told you that time and again, L. If I wanted to sleep with someone else, I wouldn't need to do it behind your back. But in this case, I suppose neither of us would admit to being wrong. I suppose something's just won't change." Light whispered as he brought the glass up against his lips and took a tentative sip. "I won't apologize… you won't apologize… and here we are, back with another glass in our hands and talking as if we won't be cursing each other's guts out as soon as the buzz washes away and we're both sober as all hell. Classic."
"I think I get it though." Slumping absentmindedly so that his gaze caught the ceiling, a cloud of smoke began to hang overhead. He had forgotten how much he hated it when L smoked. "We're both fucked up."
L said nothing, agreeing with the statement wholeheartedly. Throwing a hand over his face, the older man unleashed a giant sigh once the onslaught of chuckles faded back into silence.
"And that's why we can't be together."
"What?" Cigarette burning his fingers, L fumbled with the lighted stick whilst Light kept his eyes forward towards the ceiling.
"I'm not going to stop being myself, L. And you're not either. Maybe… maybe we both just need some time to realize what exactly that means."
"And what the hell is it that we've been doing then?"
Light finally turned his head, L biting back a gasp as glassy almond-colored eyes dimmed with sadness. "Chasing after something that doesn't exist."
"I won't give up Light." The words were, once again, the pinnacle of truth.
Perhaps L had learned more from this experience than Light had thought.
"Good." Light whispered as lowered his gaze towards the floor, eyelids lowering as the ever-present exhaustion finally caught up to the drunken buzz and overwhelmed him entirely. "Maybe then I won't either."
Light wouldn't have been able to tell later, but L's smile stretched tepidly over his lips at Light's final words, cigarette slowly burning out within the ashtray set on the table as both men fell into a deep, long sleep.