A/N: It seems ridiculously early to be putting this chapter up, but since it's been such a long time since this story got updated... in the Valentine's spirit, it'd be great if any of you voted in the poll currently on my profile... although it might never actually happen it'd be nice to get some opinions xD
"Choujuurou," Raiga said, "For the last time, I will not go out with you, you disgust me in every possible way... love Raiga."
Choujuurou gave Raiga a dejected look and began lightly kicking his feet back and forth in a desperate attempt to look as childlike and innocent as possible. "But... who'll be my Valentine?"
"Ao." Raiga sighed, looking down at his feet to avoid Choujuurou's hopelessly pathetic glance, no matter how childish he looked, Choujuurou was the last person on Earth who Raiga – or anyone else for that matter – would dream of sleeping with. "Ao will like you, he's desperate for anyone."
"Really?" for the first time since he joined the organisation, there was a glimmer of hope in Choujuurou's eyes, to which Raiga merely responded with an irritated nod. "I'll go over there right now."
Raiga let out a sigh of relief as he watched Choujuurou run off in search of Ao. Valentine's Day – being the one day a year he was actually banned from going out hunting for small children – was bad enough without having Choujuurou follow him around like a lost puppy. Although as much as Raiga's spirit was crushed by not having his daily fix of children, he couldn't help but feel as if his colleagues were going to be faced with a much more painful and suicide-inducing day. At least, that's how he felt when a short walk along the corridor brought him across Mangetsu, sobbing into a table whilst Kyouki attempted to feign sympathy for him.
"God damn that government, eh. I can't believe they... wouldn't let me see her on today of all days... IT WAS BAD ENOUGH WE COULDN'T EVEN BE TOGETHER AT CHRISTMAS, EH!"
"It." Kyouki replied, staring into the blank space in front of her. After almost four hours of listening to Mangetsu whine about his imaginary relationship with a mass of land, she had completely given up on trying to work out what was so special about this day in particular.
"What, eh?" Mangetsu suddenly raised his head and stared at Kyouki with nothing but utter disgust. She merely nonchalantly shifted her gaze – so as to look at him out of the corner of her eye – and let out a slightly weary sigh.
"Isn't Canada technically an 'it'?" she asked,"... not a 'her'?"
"What are you talking about?" Mangetsu stood up as he spoke, slamming his hands down on the table, "Of course she's a her, eh!"
"Mangetsu, it's a mass of land," she replied, sounding defeated, "it lacks the sexual organs to identify it as such... it lacks organs in general."
"JUST SHUT UP, SHUT UP AND GET OUT, EH!" And with that, Mangetsu returned to hiding his face in the table. Allowing Kyouki to get out while she still could.
"...What just happened there?" Raiga stood, staring wide-eyed at Kyouki. Ordinarily, she and Mangetsu had what was by far, the least volatile relationship in all of the organisation.
"He's pissy because he's not allowed to spend 'this special day' with Canada... anyway, shouldn't you be out pedoing?"
"No, it's my day off..." Raiga explained, only to realise Kyouki was looking at him with a ridiculously confused expression. "Like Halloween is for vampires..."
"So vampires get Halloween off, and you pedofiles get the second day of Lupercalia off? You should probably feel screwed over."
Raiga opened his mouth, as if he was about to correct her but quickly snapped it shut when the two of them noticed something rather unusual. After all, it wasn't every day that Zabuza Momochi strolled through the corridors, dressed in formal wear and carrying a bunch of flowers.
"Where are you going all dressed up, Zabuza?" Kyouki asked, not sure whether she was trying to cover up her laughter or her worry.
"WHAT? I'M NOT DRESSED UP. AND WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'M GOING ANYWHERE. I. AM. NOT. GAY!"
"...You're wearing a suit and do you always carry a bunch of flowers round the house?"
"I was going to a funeral... STOP QUESTIONING ME."
"Whose funeral was it?" Raiga asked, a sudden flicker of excitement appearing in his voice. "Why wasn't I invited?"
Zabuza stared blankly at the two of them for a few moments, before the fact that once again, his lies were failing to work set in and he threw a complete hissy fit,"...FINE THEN! I won't go! I'll just stay here and not be gay!"
"You..." "wouldn't happen to know where Kisame is, would you? I need to go ask him something..."
"Are you sure you want to speak to him today? If Tatsuya sees you..." Raiga almost considered pointing out to Kyouki, that since it was in fact Valentine's Day, and Tatsuya was lurking around somewhere, that it probably wouldn't be the best idea she had ever had to go looking for Kisame. However, since he hadn't seen Tatsuya all day, and if Kyouki hadn't already noticed it was Valentine's Day, then he could just abandon all hope of ever getting the idea through to her. "Nevermind, he's in the lounge."
And without another word Kyouki and Raiga walked away from each other. Raiga, went off in search of Tatsuya, since there was an extremely good chance of him doing something stupid and highly amusing today. Kyouki on the other hand, went off in search of Kisame. Who was probably the only hope of sanity she would be able to find that day.
"Kisame... why is everyone acting like a bunch of bat shit crazy asylum escapees today?"
"Isn't that how they usually act?" He replied with the smallest amount of emotion possible, arching an eyebrow as if he was expecting her to have known better.
"...Yes, but today they're more irritating."
"I don't know then... we'll just need to avoid them for the rest of the day, I guess."
"Fuck. Okay so...what do you want to do then?"
"...we could watch crappy films and make fun of all the people in them."
"Do we even own films?"
"I'm sure Zabuza has some shitty romance films somewhere..."
Meanwhile
"Who have you got there Tatsuya?" Raiga asked, trying desperately to stop himself from cracking into a huge smile. He had known it was only a matter of time before Tatsuya showed up
"This," Tatsuya paused, purely for dramatic effect "...is Konan."
Raiga however, was not impressed by Tatsuya's pregnant pause. There was something about this latest hostage that just didn't quite sit well with him. "I know it's not out of the ordinary for you to kidnap people you like... but why have you kidnapped a woman this time?"
"Woman? Haha, there must be something wrong with your eyesight Raiga. He is clearly a man, a very manly man."
"Tatsuya... she has boobs, look." Raiga pointed to Konan's chest, but judging by Tatsuya's facial expression, he was still a long way off getting the point. "And anyway... are you a woman, Konan?"
"Yes."
"...Oh god... I touched it, ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww" Tatsuya began frantically wiping his hands on Raiga's shirt, trying to get rid of what little trace of Konan was remaining on them. "YOU CAN JUST GO BACK TO WHEREVER YOU CAME FROM!"
"NO, PLEASE, KEEP HER!" Today, Tatsuya's yelling was clearly a lot louder than usual. He was used to people yelling back at him – sometimes they even chased him, threatening to kill him. However, this was the first time he had ever been yelled at by someone in a completely different village to him, and needless to say it caught him completely off guard.
"WHO ARE YOU?" he yelled back, blanking out the fact that Raiga was one step away from being in the foetal position, his hands firmly clamped over his ears, to stop his eardrums from bursting.
"I'M NAGATO. THE ONE WHOSE TEAM MATE YOU JUST KIDNAPPED!"
"OH... WELL THEN, SHE'S YOUR PROBLEM!"
"YOU TOOK HER, YOU CAN KEEP HER."
"I THOUGHT SHE WAS A MAN."
"WELL, THAT'S YOUR OWN FAULT FOR BEING SUCH AN IDIOT."
"YOU CAN'T BE MEAN TO ME, I'M AN ORPHAN!"
"YOU KILLED YOUR OWN PARENTS, MINE WERE MURDERED BY SOMEONE ELSE! I'M THE ONLY REAL ORPHAN HERE!"
"HOW DO YOU KNOW I KILLED THEM?"
"EVERYONE KNOWS."
"OKAY LOOK, HOW ABOUT WE CUT HER IN HALF?"
"FINE, YOU TAKE THE HALF THAT SPEAKS, I'LL HAVE HER LEGS... I COULD BE DOING WITH A NEW PAIR ANYWAY."
"I WAS THINKING MORE... DOWN THE MIDDLE!" Tatsuya stood in the hallway in what felt like hours of silence, trying to convince himself that Nagato was just silently contemplating their agreement. Sadly for Tatsuya, he once again found himself confronting one of his greatest dislikes. He was being ignored. "... HELLO?"
As the room slowly filled up with silence, Raiga's ears finally stopped ringing, and he felt it safe to stand up again. Had it not been for several shuffling noises in the background, Raiga could have sworn Tatsuya had destroyed his hearing.
"Why are you climbing out of the window?" Raiga asked, suddenly noticing that Zabuza – using Tatsuya's yelling as a cover up – had somehow managed to sneak into the hall and was now standing with his left leg firmly on the ground and his right dangling out the window, as if he were riding some invisible broomstick.
"I was testing it... to see if it was... resistant to... people." Zabuza tried his very best to sound convincing, but completely failed, and his voice came out as shaky and unsure. Not that Raiga would have believed him, even if he did have a perfectly solid reason for practically hanging out the window.
"and?"
"and what?"
"Is it resistant?"
"Yes... yes it seems it." Zabuza replied and then we a heavy sigh, he crawled back in through the window
"Why are you questioning it, Raiga? All he's doing is making sure we're safe!" Usually, Tatsuya would have given Raiga holy hell for questioning Zabuza, but – fortunately for everyone's eardrums, his voice was beyond hoarse from channeling his yelling all the way over to Amegakure.
"Tatsuya, he was trying to sneak out so he could go see Haku..."
"Ohhh... Zabuza, why do you feel the need to hide the fact you're going out with Haku?"
"I AM NOT GOING OUT WITH HAKU! I AM DEFINITELY LEAVING TO DO SOMETHING THAT ISN'T GAY!"
"He's going to do something gay..." Tatsuya whispered, although he did it loud enough for Zabuza to hear.
"I know," Raiga replied with an equal amount of subtlety, "let's follow him..."
Zabuza of course, didn't actually have anything to do (much less anything that wasn't gay), and so he headed for the one place where the Seven Swordsmen spent their time, the lounge. Now, to the ordinary person, coming across Kyouki and Kisame asleep on the sofa with the TV on mute in the background probably wouldn't be that big a deal. However, if you imagine that you are inside Zabuza's mind for all of three seconds, you will soon understand just how out of proportion things were about to be blown.
"Well, well, look what we have here?"
"OH MY GOD, THERE IS NO DENYING YOUR RELATIONSHIP NOW." Tatsuya yelled, loud enough for the whole village to hear, a huge smile cracking across his face as he did so.
"What?...what's going on?" Kyouki asked, sitting up and rubbing the sleep out of her eyes... the last thing you really want to see waking up is Raiga, Zabuza and Tatsuya, all looming over you.
"You two have quite clearly been having a romantic day together." Tatsuya replied, his tone slightly calmer now, although he still had the smile of a genuine psychopath plastered across his face.
"No... what are you talking about?" she asked, even more confused than she had been at the beginning of the day.
"You two. We come in to find you curled up together, a romantic movie on in the background..."
"We were messing around-"
"Messing around were you?" Zabuza asked, visibly smirking beneath the bandages.
"Yes messing around, with German accents and-" Kyouki stopped mid-sentence, it seemed that what she was actually saying was finally setting in. "OH, SHUT UP. We were making fun of it, we dubbed over the voices. That's why the sound is off."
"They probably didn't want the noise distracting their 'activities'"
"Shut. Up. Raiga. Kisame, would you please wake up and help?" She nudged him in the arm, attempting to wake him up. Although it was completely futile, since the only response he had to offer was a kind of half-grunt.
"Let him sleep, you must have worn him out..."
"Raiga. I am going to murder you... slowly and painfully."
"Oh really? Because you're what, a torture specialist?"
"Yes."
"Shit. I forgot you had a job before you became the obligatory woman."
Fortunately for Kyouki, before the situation could escalate any further, the four of them were interrupted be loud banging noises... followed by lots of screaming.
"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS THING?" Ao burst into the room, dangling – an either unconscious or dead – Choujuurou by the neck.
"That would be Choujuurou, it loves you." Raiga stated, smiling as sweetly as his terrifying face would allow him to.
"Well, I don't love it. It's disgusting and it totally ruined Valentine's day... Oh, Zabuza. Hello~"
"I have a girlfriend now, don't try anything." Zabuza warned, backing away from Ao until he found himself quite literally against a wall.
"I don't mind if she joins in..."
Needless to say, everyone ended up spending the rest of Valentine's Day, hiding a screaming Zabuza from Ao. Except for Mangetsu, who was still rambling on to himself about how unfair life was, and how he wished that Canada would just return his feelings. It would be lovely to say he stopped eventually, but...