DAY 3, Next to Tree in Wilderness

For the first time in my life, something went right. It did not rain last night. But we were savagely devoured by millions of mosquitoes that took advantage of our exhaustion. Even I wouldn't do that, but these mosquitoes…

Decided to help with/solely create breakfast myself because I'm tired of Remus & James & Peter's whining about how I "never do anything".

Um, excuse me. It's impossible to not do something. I'm breathing right now. And digesting. And thinking. And writing. And using my nerves and reflexes to dodge a pine cone James chucked at my head. As if I couldn't see that. I'm so pissing on his breakfast. Git.

DAY 3, Next to Tree in Wilderness

I tried to make a fire, but didn't do well. We've been using James' glasses to concentrate sunlight onto sticks so it would catch on fire, but I managed to set a couple shrubs on fire instead of sticks. It made Peter panic and Remus & James really mad. They're always mad at me nowadays.

"Hey, hey, I'm sorry, alright?" I was stifling the shrub with my shirt. I guess I would wear a charred shirt for the rest of the trip. "I didn't mean to. You two need to chill out a bit."

"How can I 'chill out a bit'?" James was glaring way hard. "We're lost in the bloody forest, we're covered in mosquito bites, and you're causing fires!"

"Mate. It's called an accident."

"An accident you could've prevented," Remus began with his wagging finger, but I ignored him. Mister Superior, Mister I'm-So-Cool-Because-I've-Been-Camping-Before was getting on my nerves. First, he makes us come camping. Then I have to be the "record-keeper". Then we're lost and stranded without wands for defense. Now we're covered in mosquito bites and will probably contract malaria and die.

"If we're already fighting and it's only Day 3, then we're definitely going to die in this forest." Something about Peter's interrupting statement made sense. The three of us shook hands while Peter nodded over our handshakes.

It was really awkward when we shook hands because we had to shake hands with both our hands so it looked like we made a Ring-Around-the-Rosy circles or something. Needless to say, I pulled my hand away quickly.

DAY 3, Wilderness

Another chart-topping ditty called "Ranger Remmy".

Ranger Remmy

We've been following Ranger Remmy 'cause he thinks he knows the way;

We've been walking around in circles for the whole fuckin' day.

Equally unappreciated. I muttered it under my breath though.

DAY 3, Wilderness

If I have to eat rubber penises for lunch after three consecutive meals of that very substance, I'm going to fall over and die a horrible, painful death that will make my body writhe and my mind explode with venomous nightmares.

Peter thinks I'm being dramatic, but I think I'm just good at elaborating. It makes me a good liar. Years of practice, children.

When Remus and James were arguing over navigation (Remus wanted to go left while James wanted right), I sharpened a stick. Peter napped on a boulder. Wished it was Remus' Portkey thing, but it wasn't.

Now I'm looking for a prey. Remus and James are currently insulting each other (no better than the insults I came up with in third year, the lame gits).

Ooh, a squirrel's staring at snoring Peter. Who knew Peter was so attractive? To animals, anyway.

I'm going to try to the get the squirrel.

DAY 3, Wilderness (I'M INJURED!)

TRYING TO GET THE SQUIRREL WAS A DUMB IDEA. MY GIT MATES KEEP LAUGHING AT ME AND IT'S NOT FUNNY. I ALMOST DIED.

DAY 3, Wilderness (Still injured, but okay)

I'm a little more calm now. I'm all bandaged up and was given some brandy for compensation for pain. (I never knew that's how medicine worked. You're injured? Booze. I want to be a Healer now except James told me not to be ridiculous. We'll see who's ridiculous when he has a dire case of the Dragon Pox and needs treatment right away from Doctor Sirius.)

When I crept forward, trying to get the squirrel, I was really close to stabbing its belly and all. But Peter snored right then and the squirrel looked right at me and my stick! I never knew squirrels even knew what sharp sticks meant I thought they had no brains or something.

Remus says I'm thinking of worms and I said you would know, they're your relatives. Remus hit me.

You know, I could keep this journal this entire week then publish it, showing the abuse my "mates" have put me through. Verbal, physical, even sexual abuse. Even though my comments on James' boner pressing against my arsehole might be too embarrassing to publish. And a bit graphic too. Ew…

Anyway, the squirrel looked at me and my sharp stick. Looked at me up and down. The shiny eyes sparkled and then–

THE SQUIRREL LAUNCHED ITSELF ONTO MY FACE.

I'm not even joking. The sharp claws dug into my bloody face. And that use of "bloody" is not metaphorical. My face really was bloody.

The squirrel was like, "Cackcackcackcack!" or whatever noise squirrels make. It was biting my head like it was a fucking nut or something. I was like, "Ahh!" and tried to pry it off my head.

You know what my mates did when I was subject to a violent injury by a crazy squirrel with the sharpest claws in the world?

No, they didn't rush up to me and help, like you think your mates would do.

They laughed. Laughed.

Pissing in all their breakfasts, lunches, and dinners. Even midnight snacks.

James managed to pull the squirrel off my face and the squirrel cack cack-ed a bit more before bounding off and climbing a tree. It deployed some acorn bombs from the three. It hit Peter so it was okay except he grumbled about it.

Excuse me, my face was clawed off. An acorn fell on your leg. Get over it.

Remus says I'm really unsympathetic after he read that sentence over my shoulder. Get over it, Remus. You made me the record-keeper so I'm going to record-keep all my mean opinions too.

Remus looked at my face and bandaged me up, wiping off the blood and all. He said I should probably get a tetanus shot, whatever that is. I hope it's not important because I don't think we're going to get to any village at the bottom of the mountain anytime soon, considering the rate of our travel. I don't think we're even going in the right direction.

This is why camping's fun. Or so Remus tries to tell us in his "leader" voice.

I want to smack him.

DAY 3, Some Trail

We're not on the Downward Trail. We might be, but we don't know if it's the same one as before. James found this one when we were having a rest break.

The trail's smooth, going forward right now. Remus thinks it's a downward slope though.

DAY 3, Next to Some Trail

Packing down for the night. Gathered sticks and helped James with fire. His glasses caught the last rays of the sun before it set. Thank goodness or we would be eating rubber penises again.

We're having hot dogs again. And some cooked pineapples because Peter wanted some. We're glad at least our water bottles are constantly refilling because they're Constantly Refilling Water Bottles we tampered with before we got here. At least we don't have to go look for creeks. Remus says that's detrimental in a survival situation. He sure is a Boy Scout.

We're all manly men so we don't like to admit that we're scared, but I think everyone's scared. I mean, I'm not because I'm too cool and brave to be scared, but I can see in Peter's & James' & Remus' face that they're scared. Or at least worried how this is going to turn out.

Everyone's probably in the scared mood because the campfire lights up our face from below so we look like ghosts. You know that Lumos trick where you hold your wand under your chin? Yeah. That effect. It would even freak out Dumbledore. I want to try it on him, actually.

I tried to make everyone feel better. Even though annoying my mates is my pastime, I still care about these bastards. I can't have them be in that scared mood. Then they'll turn to perverted thoughts to comfort them and the awkwardness that comes with seeing your mate's boner is one I can't deal with right now. Merlin.

"How hard can it be to go downhill?" I said casually. "We're going to fine, you sissy blokes. Moss grows on the North side."

"Thank you for that worthless piece of information," James said dryly. "Now I'm sure we can find civilization and save our arses."

"It's not worthless. A compass is important."

"Whatever." But I noticed James smiling a bit so that's a good sign. I talked about some normal things like girls and Firewhiskey, just to distract them from the fact a wolf could possibly live in the forest and kill us all.

"Remus, how are you doing with Vance? Is she still toying with you?"

Remus sighed into the fire, but he smiled too. "I kissed her cheek Wednesday."

"Lame," James smirked.

"Isn't that cute?" I smirked too.

"Shut up," Remus growled at both of us. Peter chuckled. Then I knew we were going to feel better. Nothing like a little Remus-growling to make people feel better.

Now we're talking about old pranks. This could take all night.