A/N: Alright, here's where we find out who's a true reader (of mine I mean) and who's just in it to win it lol. There's a lot to cover in this part of the story and you're going to get a lot of information that'll you'll find explains a lot of Light and L's previous behaviors; these last chapters are going to delve into the why's instead of just the how's and what's so if you stick with me at this point, I hope that you'll at least be satisfied with how this relationship pans out and get a basic understanding to what I personally think true love is. This wasn't the original song I was going to use but as I started writing I realized that it fits the mood of the chapter perfectly. At the end of the story I might do a small synopsis/general talk about the story and scrawl in the playlist used so that you guys can get a better feel for it; I honestly feel as if this series might be my best work as a writer period. Yay.
You are going to find some OOC-ness but only because there are other factors to consider and we can't all know just how the original characters would react in these types of situations. Stick with me kiddies, I'm trying not to disappoint. ;)
Another thing, yes I take awhile to update on ALL of my stories. We all have lives here that revolve around things other than writing and to those who know me when it comes to the real-life sitches, you know I usually have a lot on my plate to balance out and these chapters ARE DIFFICULT TO WRITE. However I try my best to get them out to you when I can (whether it be FoF or BR or OLG, they all are draining and I do my best to keep up with every single one). Please keep an open mind to this. Thank you :-)
Warnings: Yaoi/Guy-on-Guy action (if you've made it this far and are only now getting the memo, I don't know what to say to you really). Emo-Former-Gangsta-Suicidal-and-Very-Masochistic!Light and Volatile-Frustrated-and-Kind-of-a-Douche-Detective!L. Wow, that pretty much contains most of the warnings I need to put down. But if you don't get that last part… Angst with a whole lot of allusions to attempted suicide and self-harm along with references to substance abuse of the alcoholic and drug variety. Add to this a whole lot of violence, blood, semi-explicit spousal abuse, hallucinations of the psychologically-imbalanced and heavily medicated type along with a heavy dose of rape/molestation and you've got… this. Jeez, these warning lists are getting longer and longer the closer we get to the end of this series. -.-; In fact, do I even *need* to do these anymore? I think I just spoiled the whole story lol.
Disclaimer: Don't own Death Note, "Telephone" by Lady Gaga or the wonderful club song "If We Ever Meet Again" (I'm personally attached to the CPR remix by Chani (ft. Nicki Bliss) but I guess Timbaland's version with Katy Perry is o-k...). If you haven't guessed it by now, I don't own "The Fame Monster" record at all… except for the personal copy purchased on my beloved iTunes. But this story, all mine. You can officially call it my personal baby (and my best work I think!).
"Just a second,
It's my favorite song they're gonna play
And I cannot text you with
A drink in my hand, eh.
You shoulda made some plans with me;
You knew that I was free.
And now you won't stop calling me;
I'm kinda busy.
Stop callin', stop callin',
I don't wanna think anymore!
I left my head and my heart on the dance floor!
Stop callin', stop callin',
I don't wanna talk anymore!
I left my head and my heart on the dance floor!
Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh-
Stop telephonin' me!
Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh-
I'm busy!
Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh-
Stop telephonin' me!
Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh-
Can call all you want
But there's no one home
And you're not gonna reach my telephone!
Out in the club
And I'm sippin' that bub,
And you're not gonna reach my telephone!
Call when you want
But there's no one home
And you're not gonna reach my telephone!
Out in the club
And I'm sippin' that bub,
And you're not gonna reach my telephone!"
-"Telephone" by Lady Gaga
Title: Telephone
Golden hands gripped clothed wrists as the brunet they were attached to stared out into the stream-colored dance-floor. Perched in the back of the rowdy club, the one place where he felt both the safest and most terrified, Light could feel the music thrumming angrily through his body, vibrations coarse and hysterical along with the cries of the dancers and bouncers they accompanied.
Alone in a sea of strangers, Light felt the stirrings of life pump through his veins once more.
In his pocket, however, the proof of his limited existence began to ring loudly, ignored completely by the captivated young man.
Men and women alike had approached him but he had yet to take the plunge and encircle himself with the vices that the nightlife afforded.
All Light wanted, at least just for this moment, was a distraction.
A revelation.
Perhaps even a promise.
The phone in his pocket halted, the music slowly fading off only to ring again not even five minutes later.
Neither man said a word in the morning, both too exhausted to really have a proper confrontation and all it would inevitably entail. Light bedraggled but still awake and L tense from the uncountable sleepless nights endured since the return of Light's nightly escapades hung back and, with shoulders slumped and hair limp, conceded personal defeats.
The coffee did not look either good or satisfying but it was set between them nonetheless, the crystal pot filled to the brim with coal black steaming liquid waiting to burn a hole in both men's stomachs and the stainless porcelain cups set and ready to be filled.
"I have to go to work." L commented uselessly, as if the concept was foreign to the younger lad across from him. Light shrugged, not sure what it was his older counterpart was waiting for him to say. "I trust you'll be in one piece when I get home."
"Probably." The word went flying out of Light's mouth without his consent, his sleep-deprived mind going on autopilot without its usual snarky tone. Shaky hands fiddled with the dark sleeves covering the bandaged wrists and forearms, displaying discomfort in every harsh tug and touch. "I never know until you know."
L's narrowed gaze did not soften in the least as he pushed the coffee pot towards the now confused 21-year-old, his worriment not easing in the slightest. "Either drink this or go back to bed."
"I need to go to work."
"I already spoke to your boss," L cut in "he knows you will be out of commission until I deem you ready for such menial labor. Rest your body, Light, and the mind will follow soon after."
"No it won't." Light mumbled, but for once L did not hear as he pushed his chair out and stumbled out of his chair. Luckily for the detective it was used to sleepless nights, perhaps even more so than the night-owl that was Light who thrived on the thrills the night-life had to offer.
Tilting the college student's head up and placing a small kiss on the boy's unresponsive lips, the dark-haired investigator pulled back with a now-rare smile. "I will call Light when I get to the office and then I shall check on him at lunch time. You know my work number and my cell phone shall be on as well. Please, do not hesitate to use it."
The absent nod and well-timed smile did not appease the voyaging 29-year-old, gray eyes scrutinizing and calculating.
Light's hands moved only when the door slammed behind L's retreating figure, movements too precise for comfort.
The splash of hot coffee against unprotected skin was soothing if messy.
"Oh my God you've turned into his mother." Mello gaped as Matt snickered behind him.
L didn't even deign to look at him, eyes concentrated on the number-marked buttons underneath his fingers, the ringing against his ear earth-shatteringly loud.
"What do you think they talk about?"
"Besides the obvious, you mean?"
"Oooh… phone-se-"
The glare their superior sent in both of their directions shut both men up before the last word could be uttered, red-rimmed dark eyes cold and vicious.
"We'll just… be going now…"
"Off on that… dusty road…"
"Right…"
L's face didn't even twitch as his insubordinates raced out of his office, the phone still ringing loudly in his ear and his patience wearing all the thinner.
L blinked as he slammed the apartment door behind him, two pairs of similar brown eyes staring at his entrance instead of the regular one.
"Hi L!" Sayu gushed as she waved from behind the mountain of books stacked in front of her. "Wow, you look super tired… do you want us to make you some tea?"
"It's alright," L stared at Light suspiciously, whom was seat right next to Sayu and trying to catch her attention, wearing a completely different shirt than this morning. "I'll just make some coffee."
"Coffee pot's broken." Light rasped out, snapping his fingers so that his sister would once again pay attention to what he was trying to teach her. "Need to get a new one."
"Is that so? It was perfectly fine this morning."
"Well it's not fine now." Snapping his fingers once more, Light growled as Sayu meeped cutely, digging her head back into the book held within her hands. "So get a new one."
L's eyes, which were now stuck on the crimson red sleeves of Light's arms, flickered with resentment, the coat caught within the older man's perilous grip straining tightly against liquid-white fingers.
"What did you do with it?"
"With what?"
"The coffee pot! What did you do with the coffee pot?"
"What the fuck are you talking about? I was drinking coffee this morning and it slipped from my hands!" Gripping his forearms, which were now the center of the older man's attention, Light backed away from the predatory gleam twinkling within L's obsidian depths. "I didn't do anything with the coffee pot, I swear."
"Then let me see your arms." L challenged, matching Light step for step.
"You don't need to see fucking shit."
"Yes, the fuck I do." The usual deadened stare that L adopted when he was completely frustrated was traded in for a much more infuriated one, the swears popping out of the normally eloquent mouth putting the brunet even more on edge than he already was. "You are my responsibility as well as my lover; in this case, I have every right to see your fucking arm! Now let me see them!"
Fumbling with the knob behind him, Light gasped as he stumbled into the bathroom, feet sliding against the slippery tiles but body still upright.
"Don't. Touch. Me." Light stuttered out as L backed him against the shower, his shirt still on, if barely if he was going to go by the look on L's face. "I am not your fucking toy!"
"Damn it, Light, I just want to see-"
"NO! You don't need to fucking see anything! Get the hell away from me and let me shower in peace!" Trembling hands barely kept the 21-year-old man steady as deep breaths were heaved and mocha-brown eyes began to water, the abrupt change in tone causing L to shift awkwardly on his feet. "I'm fine, I promise, just please don't… don't look."
Backing away slowly, L nodded, not quite sure how to take this newest breakdown. L felt his resolve waver as he closed the door behind him, gray eyes shining pale silver.
'What the fuck was that?'
The hot water had long since vanished, leaving nothing but spurts of cold water falling over a curled up, shivering frame and flickering eyelids. Pale lips flinched as teeth bit into them until they bled, sparks of crimson dripping downwards until every bit of freezing white flesh was covered in the disgusting color. Light, who was crouched over and leaning heavily against the shower wall, gripped his side as the stitched-up wound flared with pain, the slick substance pouring over his hip and bottom no longer clear and untainted but tinged with a reddish-brown color.
Minutes poured over into an insufferably long hour but Light stayed where he was, the occasional flash of darkness coveting his eyes speeding up time without his realizing it. The door to the bathroom slowly opened after an hour and a half had passed and still no sign of Light materialized in front of the detective caring for the stubborn student, the sound of the shower still trickling, though not as heavily as it had been the last time he had passed the bathroom.
"Light…?"
Harsh breathing and soft sobbing was Light's only reply as L ripped the shower curtain open and practically tore down the glass shower doors, large gray eyes widening even further at the crumpled mess that met his sight. Picking the boy up after turning the water off completely, L drowned out the moment of panic that settled within his throat and concentrated only on the bloody, cold mess that was Light, refusing to let the younger man out of the bathroom until he was at least dry and clean of the coat of blood clinging to his uneven plane of skin.
Laying the prone body out on their bed, L hands began to shake with a familiar anxiousness, the emotions too much too fast-
'I can't keep doing this…' Gray eyes fluttered closed, skeletal fingers gripping onto now dirty sheets,'I can't keep watching you kill yourself Light.'
"Here."
Light said nothing as he pushed the hand away, vacantly staring up at the beige ceiling with crusted eyes begging for sleep.
"You're bleeding, Light; you opened your stitches while you were… taking a shower. You need you medication."
The hand was insistent, practically smashing itself against the confused (and not entirely awake) brunet's cheek, smoldering amber-colored eyes clearly unfocused as they attempted to track the lean limb pressed against heated skin. A dull ache slashed across his side, pounding steadily along with the migraine developing just behind his temples.
"Take it…"
Masculine voice wavering (he recognized the voice but just couldn't place the name…), Light flinched as a pair of twin capsules were heaved into his mouth and he was forced to gulp them down after a wash of cool liquid accompanied the medicinal drop off.
"And sleep…"
Clumps of hair and skin littered the pavement as bare feet continued their trek, bare skin covered with scabs and bruises.
Little by little pieces of himself hit the ground; globs of flesh slid from his body like butter, coming off with no effort whatsoever.
Hands slick with blood, Light felt his face, the bones protruding without skin or muscle to protect it.
"Isn't this what you wanted?"
"What aren't you telling me?"
"…"
"You expect me to help him, right? I have to know what I'm dealing with here! I've never seen him like this before, and I have… I have seen him at his worst."
"No you haven't. You've seen him when he's been willing to 'talk about it' or when he's been willing to be quiet. He's always been like this, L. You were just willing to overlook it so long as it didn't bother you or your messed up relationship."
"…"
"Has he been eating at least?"
"Yes. I think."
"Yes or 'you think'?"
"He eats when I'm here. I think he does so when I'm not either but… he just looks so skinny."
"That means no then."
"How do I get him to stop all this? If he doesn't drive himself crazy soon then I'm pretty sure I'll be the one to go off the wall first!"
"If I knew the answer to that do you really think that I would have sent him to you?"
"I… suppose not."
"Look, all I can ask of you is to be yourself but… if you feel it's really as bad as you say then maybe I was wrong. Maybe… maybe Light needs more help than we can give him."
"Give me a chance before you decide something like that. I don't think this is unfixable, at least not yet." L blinked as the shower flickered off. "I have to go."
"Please call me when you need to L. Light is my only son… I don't know what I would do if something happened to him."
"I'm sorry…"
"Empty words." Mahogany brown eyes narrowed, dark hair clinging to sooty lashes as the rain over head became a downpour. "You killed me Light."
The ground reeked of putrid flesh, already rotting after mere seconds of falling off Light's own body. The pain wracking his body was unbearable but familiar, the younger of the two men barely even flinching as the older shook with aching gasps.
"I didn't pull the trigger."
"But you killed my memory." Fingers stretched out, hands covered in mud and blood. "How could you do this to me Light? How could you…"
"I had to…"
Arms aching, side burning-
"You left us with nothing…"
Eyes closing-
"And I hate you more than you could ever know for it."
Shots blaring louder than even Light could remember.
"Light…"
Sayu frowned as her brother didn't even blink, his pain medication obviously hitting him at just the right time.
"Light… are you ok?"
"He's just tired." L interrupted, taking Sayu by the hand and propelling her towards the door.
"But-"
Light's head flopped to the side, eyes glazed and out of focus.
"He'll be fine." Dark gray eyes narrowed as Light's fingers twitched against his thighs, barely-there blinks drowsy and unpredictable. "He just needs a nap. Why don't you come by tomorrow Sayu?"
Gripping her book-bag with both hands, Sayu covered up a sniffle with a nod and ran out of the apartment before L could even offer her a ride.
Light didn't even notice, stuck entirely in his own personal drug-induced purgatory.
"It… looks…"
"Damn disgusting." Light winced as he glanced down at the object of L's morbid fascination, peaks of the older scar flittering about the large scabbing hole still decorating his side. Though it was healing nicely it still looked gross, split skin running tracks through unevenly healed ridges curdling in the oddest of places. "This mustlook sexy to you huh?"
"Undoubtedly." L deadpanned; the smirk on his face playful. "Cleaning your wounds always turns me on."
"What can I say," long dark eyelashes fluttered flirtingly, "I make getting hurt look dead sexy."
L's laughter was refreshing where as Light's own light-hearted teasing was more than accepted. It seemed as if it were ages since the last time both men had been able to joke about things that usually inspired melancholic despair between the both of them. As a basis of their relationship, the real humor up until that moment had been discarded, pushed away until a heavier banter took its place and eroded the easiness conversation had to offer.
With L trying too hard and Light not trying hard enough, it was as if they had been transported back to where their relationship had begun and neither was entirely comfortable with the thoughts and feelings such revelations inspired.
"Is it supposed to be curling up this way…?" L muttered as he stroked one of the bumpier stitches, the uneven flesh doing little to flatten the mound of skin sewn together.
"I don't know… but it looks kind of gross doesn't it?"
"I could make it look grosser…"
Light's eyes squinted as he poked L on the arm, "are you hitting on me?"
"You're not seriously asking me that are you?" L chuckled as he spread the rest of the antiseptic cream over the lump of stitches and fumbled for the bandage by his thigh, the cold skin still flinching at his touch. "Is there ever a time I don't hit on you Light?"
"Even if I was knee deep in gore and fecal matter?" Though Light's tone was playful the gleam within his eyes was not. "Would you still hit on me then?"
"Without a second thought." L stated in return, sliding the large piece of gauze in place as his hands blindly searched for the medical tape. "Even when you're at your worst, you will always be beautiful and worth the effort to me."
Light's smile, which was the purest smile he had managed to capture in years, shone with such clarity that even L himself was stunned by the sheer beauty of it.
"Thank you."
And both men knew that no truer gratitude had ever escaped the brunet's lips before that moment.
'Too much… too much…'
Light stared at the vase in front of him, the swirl of colors mesmerizing him whilst giving him a headache as well.
"What are you doing?"
"What?" Light yelped. Side burning as the troubled brunet twisted horribly to see where the noise had come from, Light saw nothing.
At first.
"You should be studying! What the hell do you think you're doing slacking off while I'm out busting my ass for you and your mother?"
"I'm sorry…"
"That's your go-to phrase isn't? 'I'm sorry!' Well, you're not fucking sorry! Not fucking sorry enough…"
"I swear…" Light grabbed his head, eyes watering as his thoughts floated away from him in a passing tide, nothing but empty sand running through his fingers. The wounds on his arms throbbed painfully, his side suspiciously numb of all sensation. "I swear… I'm sorry… I-I'll go do it right now! I promise!"
"It's too late for that now…"
"It… is…?"
"Look at you… you're so pathetic. Putting your problems on some man that doesn't even know better… I thought I taught you better Light!"
"He loves me." Light whispered to himself, body compacting inside itself as his arms and wrists screamed in pain. "I'll go study… now… he loves me…"
"Playing life as if it's forever a game… don't you know you don't get any second chances Light? You don't… its better… to just…"
"Just what?" Almost like a dog, Light's ears perked up and his whole body unraveled where it sat, long limbs stretched out and ready for whatever activity their owner had in store. "What? What should I do? What should I do…?"
"Go into the kitchen Light. Get the lighter fluid and throw it around the ground…"
"W… what…?"
"Grab the spare lighter that L keeps in the cabinet…"
"No…"
"And do what needs to be done."
"Lighter… done… lighter done…" Light muttered underneath his breath, stumbling to his feet in a feat that shouldn't have been possible in the state he was in. Fingers traced the random objects that were used to keep the body from stumbling onto the ground and becoming useless once more. "I don't… want to…"
"Don't you want to feel better?"
"I do…"
"Don't you trust me? I love you Light…"
"I…"
"I love you Light…"
Broken mahogany brown eyes blinked, the words heard by only his ears shattering him in ways nothing else could, especially by who it was that was saying them.
"Don't you love me too Light?"
Light didn't even respond as he stopped in his treks and dropped to the floor, staring intensively at his clothed forearms and wishing for something akin to redemption.
Speckles of red crawled around the floorboards of his living room, the first and most panicking tip off that something was amiss within his home.
L dropped his bag where he stood and followed the growing drops of blood until they became a steady stream of slippery crimson and muddled footprints, staining more than just the wood they were scuffed against. The trail ended abruptly in front of his bathroom door, smudges of blood rung around the silver door knob and odd places against the door in the form of fingerprints and palm swipes.
Kicking in his closed bathroom door, the panting detective nearly cried out in terror as Light's prone body lay unmoving on the bathroom's tiled floor, half of his face smashed in a pool of his vomit as the steady stream of the blood's original source, Light's nose and forearms, created a small pool alongside the disgustingly with the sour yellow regurgitation dripping from the 21-year-old's mouth.
A tiny orange bottle lay inches away from Light's hand, bloody fingertips reaching outward in a silent plea of desperation and fear.
L couldn't even remember having shoved his cell-phone out of his pocket and dialing 911; all he could do was stare at the lithe body covered in putrid fluids and scars, mechanically answer the operator's questions and hope, hope, hope that this wasn't the end of quite possibly the best thing of his life.
"Don't your bosses get on your ass for all the time off you've been putting in lately?" Light rasped from the hospital bed, voice hoarse behind the oxygen mask strung against his face.
"I've gone for years without taking a day or vacation off, they know better than to say something now at a time of emergency." L stoically replied, staring not at Light but the heart monitor connected just to the left of the student's bed.
Beep… Beep… Beep… Beep…
"I hate hospitals." The utterance was filled with more scorn than usual, dim brown eyes flickering shut as the myriad of lights did little to quell the migraine killing the youth on the motorized cot. The IV drip beside him continued to pour more and more saline into his dehydrated system, silent in its job. "I hate hospitals."
L couldn't help but silently agree.
Mikami let out the breath he had been holding as a pair of cold brown eyes implored with him to let their owner in, the frail body that couldn't have belonged to his best friend shaking as the door was ripped open and Light was pulled inside, where the warmth hit not just his skin but even deeper into his soul. His hospital clothes, which barely covered the rain-drenched young man, clenched tighter against the frozen skin, droplets of water running through bandages and soaked cloth until they reached the dirt-encased feet so used to running.
"Light!" The law student practically screeched before shaking out of his own stupor and hauling his best friend inside of his home. "Oh my God, L has been calling me like crazy! Where the hell have you been?"
"Out. I don't know… out? I was… out…" The confused look on Light's face carefully unfurled, as if Light himself did not know where he was or why he was even there. "Where's L? Isn't he home?"
"Light…" Mikami slowly grabbed his friend's arm and pulled him onto the couch, wrapping the throw hanging over the edge of the piece of furniture around Light's shoulders and pulling him against his side. "Where do you think you are, Light?"
"Why are you asking me? I told you I was… I was… where is L? I want to see L!"
"Ok, ok, calm down! I'll get L… but he'll be a minute. He… he went out for a second to get some treats. Ok?"
"He knew I was coming right? He always knows…" Light enclosed his arms around his body in a protective gesture, eyes scanning the large room as Mikami grabbed a blanket from his closet and laid it over Light's shoulders. "How long do you think he'll be? I miss him…"
"I'll give him a call ok?" Mikami shakily placated the shivering brunet, those hollow eyes crackling with distrust. "I'll make sure he gets your favorite potato chips while he's at it."
Light nodded solemnly before going back into his own world, those brown eyes once again glazed over and deadened to the reality withholding them in its tenuous grasp.
Teru wasted no time in rushing off into the kitchen and grabbing his phone, slithering into his pantry closet and closing the door behind him. Dialing the numbers he now knew by heart, Mikami nearly cried as L's normally annoyingly blank voice flittered over the other line, "L? You need to get your ass over here now. Light's here and… I don't think he's-"
Mikami blinked as the line was cut, the slight beep echoing within his ears both relieving and ominous.
'Light…'
Whatever became of his best friend was all in L's hands now.
"He's in the spare bedroom. I literally had to fight him to sleep." Mikami whispered as he led L to his guest room, fingers fidgety as dark brown eyes lingered over the cigarette hanging off L's lips. "I picked a bad time to quit smoking didn't I?"
"The trick is to not start to begin with." L smirked as he pushed the younger man away from his person and made his way to the full-sized bed in the middle of the bed and with just a little bit of effort picked the incredibly thin boy up into his arms and marched out of the room as if it were his home he were leaving and not Mikami's.
Light, surprisingly, didn't even flinch within his sleep.
Bunched up in his arms, L could almost forget their last conversation and why the young man had run away from him to begin with.
"You're lucky." L muttered as he straightened out the pillow underneath Light's head.
"What do you mean by that?" Light's voice was still a bit hoarse but no longer hindered by the cumbersome oxygen mask that had irked him to all hell.
L hesitated for a moment but did not let his own common sense deter him, partly from nicotine and sugar deprivation though mainly from the fact that he knew that Light needed this reality check. "You're lucky they didn't call a psyche squad in here or that the authorities don't ride your ass the way you should with the amount of times you've landed in the hospital because of your… 'injuries'."
"If I was lucky they would've come before I had gotten in this deep." Light stated, eyes deadening along with his tone of voice. "You think because you know a little bit about me that suddenly my whole life story is all figured out? You know nothing."
"Some detective you are, huh? I bet you've already looked through my medical and psyche records, already think you've figured me all out and how I think. L… you don't know shit." Pulling the IV out of his arm, Light barely grunted as the movement jarred his bandaged forearms. "I'm not some fucking puzzle who just needs a bit of twisting to figure out. I don't give a shit about what you think you know or what they think is best for me! I've lived, I've died and I've spilt more blood than this without even breaking a sweat, whether it be mine or my own! I've been through more crap than you could even imagine and you think I'm lucky?"
"Light, you're aggravating your injuries." L stated through practically clenched teeth, silently making his way to the nurse's station button.
"I don't give a shit! Who the hell do you think you are? I'm not some damsel in distress! I'm not-!" Light almost fell off the bed, his legs clumsy after a couple of days of constant rest. "You don't know what it's like so you can't tell me I'm lucky. You don't know my pain so you can't act like it's nothing!"
"Every day you try to mask your own fucking shit with booze and sex and you have the nerve to act like your vices are so much better than mine? That if you don't talk about your shit that it'll all just go away; newsflash you asshole, drinking your troubles away doesn't do shit but make you a violent motherfucker who couldn't care less about anyone else but yourself!" Light began to shake, the drugs the staff had been silently pumping into him making him more unhinged than usual as the panic flitted in and out of his voice. "You're like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde; as soon as you get some drink in you all you can do is hurt me and lie to me and abuse me… how are you any different than me? In fact, how are you any better?"
L, who had grown exceedingly more pale as the words continued to pour from Light's lips in an angry slur, did not even hesitate in his steps as he walked out of the room for just a moment; he needed to collect himself because despite how much he wished to say that Light was wrong he wasn't and the last thing he needed was to lose control of himself in a hospital with a mentally and physically incapacitated Light speaking more of the truth than L had ever heard him admit to when he was infinitely more 'clean' and 'healthy'.
Not even twenty minutes later a nurse, whom had been assigned to give Light his lunch for that day, was seen flittering from his room and letting her superiors that Light indeed had managed to vanish, the open window in his room bringing in a draft that spoke of the storm to come.
"Are you feeling better?"
Light said nothing as he walked into the apartment, the dark-haired man leaning heavily against the door he had just opened reeking of cigarette smoke and whiskey. The haze of the hospital drugs had vanished hours ago, the nurses and doctors all giving him disapproving looks before giving him the ok to leave. L had once again muttered something about luck but Light knew better.
The less time Light had to spend in the hospital the less time they actually had to act like he was their responsibility.
Some of the veteran nurses had given L the stink-eye when he had appeared by Light's side, his scent giving away just what he had been doing whilst Light had been MIA. L had shrugged off the looks and asked if they would like to give him a breathalyzer; that hadn't earned him any fans either.
L bit his lip, the blank gaze returning back to its former place on Light's face. After having witnessed the amount of emotion Light had poured out to him in the hospital L was almost disappointed; he would have preferred the blind rage to the blaring indifference now displayed to him. It was a mark that Light didn't even care enough about him to show him what he was thinking; that L was not even a speck on Light's emotional scale and that all he would get was the same bland callousness that Light reserved for strangers and general acquaintances.
"Do you honestly think that ignoring me is just going to make everything better?"
The slam of a bedroom door and rattle of several items on the verge of falling from their original places was Light's only answer.
"Where are you going?"
After a lengthy month of long-winded one-sided conversations and biting lips and empty gazes L was surprised to see Light getting dressed into street clothes and appearing moderately sane for a man who was just earlier this month running around in drenched patient's clothing with a crazed look in his eyes and not knowing where he was for the most part.
"Looking for my luck," Light airily stated. "Don't worry I won't be disappearing anytime soon."
L, who was now wondering why he hadn't just bit his tongue all those nights ago, nodded as he watched Light finished getting dressed, dark eyes clouding with worriment. "Will you be careful?"
Shucking on his shoes, already slouched against the door leading outside; Light didn't even deign to answer the question, hazel-brown eyes looking forward instead of looking back.
Light blinked as he stared at the tombstone, eyes suspiciously wet.
It was the first time in months that he had been really able to let all of his emotions out in one fell swoop, his only witnesses the rainclouds hanging above him and the large block of marble staring up at him through the sloshes of water cascading around it. Dropping himself onto the mud-infested grave, Light didn't even flinch as his clothes became dirty and relentlessly soggy; the dark edge of his thoughts bludgeoning all other discomforts like a heavy mallet.
Never had Light felt so… weak.
The scars, which at one time served to remind him just what it was he was running away from, were no longer looked at with pride. The pieces of himself which he had cut away himself no longer brought him the peace and exhilaration that had kept him together through the roughest of times; instead, all he felt was shame and a now ingrained discontent that never seemed to leave him be.
Between the drugs and the dreams, between the lies and the twisted love, Light no longer knew what to believe.
How could he when his own eyes and ears heard things that others couldn't?
Physical pain was nothing. A momentary ache that aided in doing nothing but disturb your mentality; yes, your psyche, which was the weakest part of one's body when tampered with in just the precise manner. And really, how many people had tampered with Light's own twisted psyche? The doctors, the officers, the detectives, the families, the gangsters, the friends, the enemies…
No one spared him in their pursuit of happiness.
Gripping the muddy patch with shivering hands, Light felt his breath hitch, a sign of lost breath on his own part.
'Am I sobbing?'
What did Light really have a left? A dead father for both a confidante and never-ending nightmare? An obsessive ex-boyfriend who was hot for him one moment and cold the next? And a family who did nothing but worry over his existence, an existence that Light didn't even know was still worth living. Every part of his life was littered with insecurities and magnified flaws; he honestly didn't know if he had ever done anything worth doing at all.
So why was he still here? What was keeping him here?
Light's torso swung forward and hit the ground, his face toppled off to the side as the dreary landscape became encased in gray; the gray of his ex-lover's eyes, the gray of his everyday life, the gray of his father's skin tone as he lay in that cherry-wood casket and refused to move for a quietly grieving Light who didn't yet know just what life would be handing him the moment that casket closed and was lowered six-feet underground.
Everything was just gray.
"I can't keep living like this…" Light murmured, his lips tinged with blood and mud after having bitten his tongue after the initial fall. "I just want to go and-"
And for once, Light didn't know what it was that he wanted.
After facing death so many times and failing, he knew he couldn't do it anymore. His sanity just couldn't take it.
Carefully pushing his arms up from his sides, Light picked himself up from off the ground and took a deep breath. The rushing liquid pouring over his back and hair burned his limbs as the pain from the day's adventure finally caught up with the 21-year-old still just recovering, the ache of taut muscle and bruised flesh bringing the brunet back to the reality he sincerely hoped was the one everyone else knew to be true.
"You could end it right now…"
Slowly standing up straight, Light stared down at the beautiful scrawl emblazoned on dark marble.
"He doesn't know where you are; it would be so easy…"
Taking a step back, Light shoved his hands into his pockets and shook his head.
"This may be your last chance…"
The walk out of the cemetery wasn't nearly as difficult as the walk in had been.
The white tiles of the bathroom were mocking him with its cleanliness, he was sure of it. It's lack of stains, lack of cracks, lack of life-
Even his dirt-streaked hands held more personality than those damn sterile white tiles.
"Light?"
The mud-laden brunet rolled his eyes as he turned on the shower and drenched his hands with the freezing stream of water coming down overhead. Globs of brown and red corrupted the saintly white tiles much to Light's immense pleasure, the rest of his dirt-infested clothes coming off to sit on the prestigious white floor and saturating it with all of his filth.
'Taunting doesn't get anyone anywhere…'
L blinked as he watched Light's thin figure disappear behind the veil of the shower curtain, the stream of water splashing over darkened flesh splotched with coils of scars and mud. Not used to seeing such filthy clothes slated over Light's beautiful figure, let alone his usually spotless bathroom floor, L made a mental note to grab a pair of gloves from the kitchen and get rid of the atrocities as soon as possible. Having watched Light enter in such a state had been horrifying enough, the look on his face was even worse; keeping the clothes would obviously be inviting an incident of epic proportions if L knew his boyfriend well enough by now.
Obviously their grimy state had nothing to do with his quick-witted decision either.
Creeping out of the spacious bathroom as quietly as possible, L wondered if he would be able to finagle the thoughts out of Light's head and out in the open.
It was becoming quite clear that anything Light kept in between the walls of his mind was slowly, if viciously, tearing him apart.
"I just don't think you should go out tonight," L snarled from where was lounging, legs sprawled out invitingly as lanky arms were perched on either side of the couch's edge.
"I didn't realize you were my keeper." Light quietly snapped back, the edge taken off by the softness of his demeanor. "Afraid I might leave if you let me off your leash?"
"Considering dogs listen to their masters and you don't that's a moot comparison." L begrudgingly muttered underneath his breath.
"Seeing as you see me as your bitch, I still see the resemblance." Having lived with L for so long had honestly afforded Light with the super-hearing necessary to strike back at the jests said on the sly; at least, that's what L told himself whenever the younger man snapped back at one of his more quieter comments.
"Touché."
The scarred brunet smirked as he shucked on his jacket, his shoes hanging by the door in a prim fashion. Entirely drenched in black, the irregular paleness of Light's skin-tone blended seamlessly with the night-life he was about to escape into, cracked honey-brown eyes needing an escape from the beige of L's apartment and the smothering sense of watchful eyes around every turn.
If Light didn't know any better, he'd say that L even had cameras situated within their own apartment, but-
Wait that was a stupid thing to think.
Of course L had cameras in his own apartment.
"I'm leaving." Light stated simply, only pausing to slip on his shoes and close the door behind his receding figure. Having taken a peak at L's irritable face before the solid oak door slipped shut Light mentally took note to come back a bit early tonight so as to not disturb his majesty's beauty sleep.
Pouring himself a large drink once the door was fully closed and Light didn't magically appear back within their apartment, L didn't even think twice in taking a large swig and reaching for his cigarettes.
Tonight was not going to be pleasant if the start was any indication.
Tapping fingers and blaring bass; it was the only thing Light could hear amidst the roars of young people having a good time, the feeling of decadence oozing out of every lithe body and pair of wild eyes clustered within the club Light was holing himself within. Though many had given him appreciative glances, not many of those same people had actually approached him; his now smoldering dark eyes gleaming devilishly under the bright strobe lights and pale rose lips thinned together to form an expression of unmistakable boredom that could hardly be shook off with just one dance or fuck.
Every dismissal was done tactfully, the stony edge in Light's voice not to be questioned even under the most persistent of dancer's eyes.
But the thrill of the music could only keep Light away for so long. For years, it had been the only thing that had sustained him; the multiple trysts were merely the fudge to his sundaes as the dance-floor had been his ice-cream.
Light finally threw his inhibitions to the wayside once his foot began to shake along with the beats of his fingers and made his way to the dance-floor, his dark ensemble blending beautifully with the crowd as the tinted lights gave him all the color he needed.
Within seconds, Light found the adrenaline rush that only music could give you.
Completely sober and almost happy; it was a combination that Light hadn't known was completely possible until now.
True to his promise to himself Light made it to the apartment before 12, proud to have not given into temptation and let himself continue to sweat out his frustrations until the near early morning. It was almost as if everything had been given perspective now that Light didn't feel as clustered as he had these past few months; between the injuries, L and his family and his own impatience he had forgotten what it was like to just let go and forget about everything except his own enjoyment.
How was he supposed to keep it together if he was constantly reminded of the things he had no control over?
And in the end, wasn't that the main problem? Control…?
Shaking his head, Light gently pushed the door open and stepped inside, about to call out to L but cut-off by the wreckage that used to be L's kitchen and living room. Random bottles rolled out from underneath furniture, peaks of empty glasses scattered wherever shards of glass were not laid broken on the hardwood floor. The pillows were completely decimated as well, pulled fabric shredded up as puffs of white stuffing popped up in the strangest of places-
But all of that was just caught out of the peripheral of his eye. The real destruction that caught his attentions was the pictures.
Every single image that included Light (which was almost all of them) had been utterly destroyed, ripped into little pieces as if they were confetti and scattered all around the apartment in a fit of, which Light knew to be, rage.
Keeping his shoes on and ready just in case, Light stumbled over the trash with a sadness that only a coherent person could capture and made his way to the bedroom, where he knew the perpetrator was either sleeping his anger away or stewing in his own fury.
And as predicted, there was L sitting on the edge of their bed, head within his hands and fingernails smudged with blood.
"L…?"
Dark eyes flitted upwards for a bare second only to turn downwards a moment later.
"Are you alright L?"
Next to L was his cell-phone, which was still flipped open. One milky white hand shakily let go of dark hair only to grip the tiny device in its stead.
"I've been calling you all night…"
And there was the tell-tale slur that Light feared would make its appearance, disappointment covering his expression beautifully.
"I was out dancing…" Light muttered. "I didn't hear it over the music."
"You always do this! Always make me worry!"
"I…" Light kept his distance, already anticipating the eruption about to take place having seen such an expression on L's face once before. The words (the pleas) attempted to stave off the inevitable, but the torn up brunet knew that any such nonsense was for naught. "How much have you had to drink tonight, L…?"
"You could've been killed!" L spouted out, throwing his cell-phone in Light's direction as hard as he could. Ducking under the flying phone, Light flinched as it slammed into the wall and clattered onto the floor helplessly. "And I wouldn't have even known! What the hell do you even have a phone for if not to use it?"
"I was fine…"
L slowly got up from the bed, smudge of red trailing over their white sheets. "Somebody could've hurt you…"
"But I didn't… get hurt…" Light continued to back up, hitting the wall just next to the door. Carefully glancing at the still open door, Light calculated the amount of time he would have to run against the amount of time it would take L to run after him…
"And while you were out…" L slowly slurred, gray eyes dilated as just a few steps stood in between Light and himself. "You didn't find anybody… interesting?"
"You know I don't do that anymore!" Forgetting about his quick exit, Light's anger quickly got the best of him. "I haven't even fucked anybody since-!"
"Me?" Now a hair's breath away from Light's face, the brunet blinked as the situation quickly came down upon him.
'Shit.'
Hands cupped Light's face as a pair of alcohol-soaked lips covered his own, physically relaxing into the familiar gesture until a sharp pull of his hair tugged his head forward and back, his crown hitting the base of the cement wall with a loud crack. Tugging Light forward by the grip of his hair, L threw the still-recovering body onto the floor and quickly stripped himself of his white tee-shirt just before unzipping his jeans.
Still seeing stars from the sudden head-bang against the wall, Light yelped as his shirt was practically ripped open and sharp teeth latched themselves onto his neck, skeletal hands attempting to hold his shoulder's down as slinky legs straddled his bruised (and still healing) hips. Cringing at the pain shooting up his spine, Light bucked the man off, L's teeth cutting into his skin as they refused to relinquish their hold over Light's neck.
Hoping this wouldn't lead to more, Light slapped one of L's hands away and punched him in the cheek, the teeth finally pried off as slick blood slipped down his neck and onto his collar bone.
Before Light could even blink, L pulled his own fist back and knocked him back on the opposite cheek, but unlike L who was not use to the pain, Light kicked his legs back and caught the man by his abdomen, effectively disorienting the drunk man for a couple of moments and making his way into the bathroom and locking himself within it. For just a couple of moments nothing but silence met Light's ears, hoping to have confused L enough so that he could sober up and let Light leave in peace-
"LIGHT! Open this door now!"
Covering his ears, Light did the only thing he could think of-
"GRAGH!"
Quickly slamming the door open in L's face with all the force he had, he raced out the front door and raced down the apartment stairs, relieved to not hear the sound of steps falling behind him, the tears falling silently without his consent thereafter.
"Hi, this is Light Yagami. I'm sorry I couldn't answer your call at the moment but if you leave your name and message after the tone I'll be sure to get back to you! Thank you."
"Light, please just pick up the phone and tell me you're safe! Your mother is worried sick and your sister doesn't know where you are… Mikami is ready to go on a rampage and I know it's my fault but if nothing else just call them and let them know you're alright! It was a mistake ok! I swear I'll never do it again…" L let his head hit the door, the whites of his eyes wrapped in red veins as the outer edges were puffed up and darkened with shadows. "Light, please, I'm sorry…"
Beep.
Dialing the same set of numbers as before, L was not deterred in the slightest; he would not rest until Light was found and safe. He would not let the brunet suffer on his behalf, and whatever Light wanted him to do as atonement for his mistake he would do so.
But after all the alcohol and months of nothing from the 21-year-old what did Light expect from him? Even L of all people had a limit-
'No, can't blame him, wasn't his fault, shit why the hell hasn't he answered yet?'
"The voicemail-box of "Light Yagami" is full. If you would like to pag-"
"FUCK!" L swore out loud, nearly his throwing his phone against the wall again out of spite. Instead the 29-year-old detective grabbed his jacket and went to do what he did best-
Investigate.
'What am I doing here?'
After a near week at some nameless motel, Light found himself out on the town, hoping to rekindle some spark of life that he had managed to recover just one week ago-
'Don't think about it.'
His hair was soaked in sweat and his arms were tired from the constant sway, but Light continued to push his body beyond its limits, even when internally he could feel the steady burn ignite into a different type of flame altogether. His limbs, which were all covered in hand-shaped bruises, began to stiffen up and lock together, his hips screaming for a rest as the pain there was resonating the most.
Though the stitches were gone, the phantom pain from the stab and gunshot wound crept up on him in the most displeasing of places, the double shots of pain almost unbearable in their ferocity.
'You can do this. Don't think about the pain. You've done this before.'
But his neck was the most distinguishable place to avoid; the large puncture wound was deeply embedded into his skin, almost to the point where Light was afraid that any deeper and L could have bled him out. The circle of bruising was large, tinged with green as a sign of healing. The dancers around Light stared not at him but the bruise and bite marks, curious and invading.
For them, it signified just how much pleasure he had brought both himself and his partner. Oh, if they could only know the truth…
Finally able to admit exhaustion, Light let his arms fall and began to make his way out of the dance-floor, wondering how long he would be able to stay a nameless face in the crowd and if such a feat was even worth the effort.
Unbeknownst to him however, he was not as nameless as he thought and a familiar pair of green eyes gleamed happily as they got up and followed Light out of the club, nothing but a shadow under the bright beautiful lights.
"Please tell me there's a reason you're calling the both of us at-" the irritatingly tired voice paused for a moment, "3:30 in the morning."
"You have to help me find Light." L stated matter-of-factly, eyes burning for sleep as they strained themselves to look out at the night road with just the headlights of his car as assistance.
"AGAIN?" Mihael's voice was excruciatingly loud, voicing all of his disappointment and anger with just one word.
"I… I think I've got a good lead on him. The person sounded positive that it was him and I'm not taking the chance that it's not." Though his voice was still as hard as a rock a tiny inflection broke halfway through his speech, making L sound much younger than he really was. "I know it's fucked up, but I just got so angry and… that's all my fault. So I have to find him and you have to help me…"
"Why should we when he obviously doesn't want to be found?"
The silence on L's behalf was all the answer Mihael needed.
Light knew that he had bad luck with alleys but he just had to take the short cut didn't he?
"I…" The brunet slurred for a moment, the other side of his neck now sore as a pinprick of a needle was pulled out of it and his head began to float with disorientation.
Eyes, heavy-
"Ppleaaaaseee…"
Limbs, swaying-
"Waaah…"
Mouth, covered-
"N-nooo"
Head, done.
L held the phone to his ear as the obnoxious rave music answered back to him, giving way to a still full voice-mailbox.
"Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit…"
L slammed his car in park as he got to the front of the club, not even caring as people began to yell at him and throw things in his general direction.
Something wasn't right and if his contact was right-
'Shiiiit…'
Light, still having enough of a mind to function on the barest of levels, smashed the back of his head against his captors head, stumbling forward as all other motor functions were basically null and void.
Conscious enough to hear the man behind him let out a loud swear, Light counted his blessings that he couldn't feel the barest amount of pain as his captor grabbed a broken lead pipe beside him and swung at his head-
The last thing Light heard before he lost complete consciousness was the sound of his ringtone from his phone, for the first time that week wishing that he could have picked it up.
"I'll never be the same if we ever meet again. Won't let you get away if we ever meet again. This free-fall's (Fall!) got me so (So!); kiss me all night, don't ever let me go! I'll never be the same if we ever meet again…"