thinking you know is very different from actually knowing.

warnings: Earth-339. a little slash. a little character death. sci-fi. world-go-boom. language: pg-13 (for s*** and g**damn).

pairing: none/gen (background Billy/Teddy).

timeline: 2019, a few hours after the Big One.

disclaimer: i doesn't owns the movies, comics, or characters.

notes: 1) i have no memory of the official names of the younger two Kaplan boys. for all i know, they have no names. in light of this, i have decided to name them Jason and Simon. 2) Tommy's death and the rescue of little Katie happened in Hero, the disappearance of Dr. Pym was investigated in Missing in Action, and Wade was made Supreme Commander in Aftermath.

Knowing

When the shuttle touches down on Utopia, Kate still doesn't know what she's going to say. She's got to figure something out—she specifically asked to be the one to tell Billy the news. He deserves to hear it from someone who cares about him, and who cared about Tommy.

The way he worries, she expected to see him on the landing platform.

Storm meets them instead. Cyclops starts talking to her about preparing everyone to relocate to the carriers if necessary.

"Where's Billy?" Kate asks, not caring that she's interrupted one of Cyclops' long-winded 'I'm So Important' strategy speeches.

"I'm told he's not feeling well," Storm says. "He's at his parents' quarters right now."

Kate feels the lump in the pit of her stomach grow a little bigger. Only a holiday or a full-on nervous breakdown would send Billy to his parents. "Thanks," she tells the older woman, and sets off.

When the Ark Broadcast went out, all the X-Men and Avengers were allowed to invite their families to stay on Utopia while they worked on the project. The Kaplans got in early, so they have a nice suite of rooms to themselves.

One of Billy's little brothers answers the door. James? Jeremy? She can never actually remember. For years now, 'the pests' (as Billy calls them) have been 'J-something' and 'S-something' in Kate's mind.

J-something stares at her for a moment. "Oh," he says. "I guess you're here to see the wet blanket. I hope you're not easily depressed, because he's, like, in mourning. This guy is seriously gloomy. He's been totally useless since Ted dragged him over here around noon."

"Jason, who's at the door?" Mrs. Kaplan calls.

He turns. "It's Kate! I told her Billy's being a downer."

Mrs. Kaplan hurries to the door with a polite smile for Kate and turns her son firmly around to whisper urgently to him. Kate hears the phrases 'grief-induced catatonia' and 'nervous breakdown.'

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Sorry," Jason dismisses.

"Go play your video game," Mrs. Kaplan relents, pushing him down the hall.

"If he's really that bad, maybe I should come back some other time," Kate tries with a vague gesture. "I've got some bad news for him."

Mrs. Kaplan gives a little sigh and looks at Kate. "Well, you know how William can be. He was catatonic when Theodore brought him over. Theodore seemed to think he was just letting himself get carried away, but I'm not so sure. Maybe your news, however bad it is, will give him some closure."

Jason and S-something are flanking Billy on the couch, playing a game Kate doesn't recognize.

Billy looks like shit. His face is pale, his eyes are bloodshot. He looks like he's been crying all afternoon.

"William, Kate's here to see you," Mrs. Kaplan says gently.

"She's here to tell me he's dead," Billy says flatly. "But I already know."

Kate's heart thumps. "Yes," she replies. "I guess I should've figured you'd know."

"I told him to be careful. He didn't listen. He never listens."

"Told you," S-something says to Jason. "You were all, 'dude, he's imagining things,' and I was all, 'no way, it's totally some weird magic mutant twin thing.'"

"That's enough, Simon," says Mrs. Kaplan. "Why don't you boys go work on your male-to-female interpersonal communication?"

"Did Mom just tell us to go flirt with some chicks?"

"She totally did. I'm outta here before the Twilight Zone completely takes over."

They pause the game and abandon their controllers.

Kate takes the spot Simon vacated. "He said to tell you he was sorry, and not to cry too much."

Billy laughs weakly. "Too late."

"So I see," she says neutrally.

"There must have been a reason…Kate, why wasn't Tommy on that carrier with you?"

A sharp ache chokes her for a moment, and she has to take some time to swallow it down before she can talk. She takes his hand in both of hers. "I don't know exactly what happened. He went out into the crowd to help someone at the last second. By the time I got to the ramp, it was too late. He was completely surrounded, and we were high enough up that there was no way he could reach the ramp himself. I told him to give me his hand, but he gave me a little girl instead. She's four, and her name is Katie."

He laughs again, but it sounds like a sob. "No wonder he was so proud of himself."

"In fairness, we were all pretty proud of him, too," she says, trying for a joking tone but feeling it fall flat.

"I should've been there," he whispers. "I could've saved him."

"No," she tells him, squeezing his hand. "You would've killed yourself trying to save everyone else. He didn't want that. More than anything, he didn't want that. You were very important to him, you know."

He nods. "I used to hate it. Y'know? I used to get so mad at the way he nosed into everything, the way he followed me and invaded my space and always had to know where I was, what I was doing, who I was with… God, even my parents never did that. But looking back…I can't believe how ungrateful I was. He even told me, once, that he felt like he'd always been alone in the world until he met me."

Kate hugs him tightly. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't fast enough. I'm sorry I didn't get there sooner."

"No," he mumbles into her hair, and shakes his head. "Don't be sorry, Kate. It's not your fault."

Hearing him say it frees something inside her, and she suddenly feels it's okay to cry. She lets go of the tears she's held in for hours now, until her eyes feel raw and her nose is stopped up and her throat aches. When she feels like she's done, she takes a long breath and sits back to wipe her eyes.

"Are you going to be okay?" she asks him after a while.

He offers a thin smile. "I wish I could say 'yes.' Or even 'eventually.' But I'm pretty sure it'd be a lie."

That's almost as devastating as the moment of Tommy's death, because she know Billy means it. She swallows again and rubs his shoulder. "Well, there's…I'm sure there'll be lots of…of grief counseling and…support groups. And you've still got Teddy."

"My husband cannot replace my brother," he tells her sharply, as if she should have known better.

"N-no, I…" Kate stammers. "I know."

"You don't. It's like missing a limb, Kate. Whatever weird magic of Wanda's that made us in the first place…that magic gave us a connection."

"I don't think—"

"And even if hers didn't, mine did. And I know how easy it would be to try and fix this, and I know how wrong it would be. Dr. Strange told me over and over—using magic to bring people back screws things up."

"Look, Billy, I know it's gonna be hard, but—"

"You don't," he snaps again. "You really don't. I have spent the past several hours reminding myself not to think Iwantmybrotherback. I'm gonna have to do that for years. If I ever slip up, it'll start an avalanche. It'll be like that whole—that M-Day mess that Wanda did, and all the weird shit she changed just before she disappeared." He takes a long, slow breath. "So no, Kate, I'm never going to be 'okay.' But if you'll give me some time and some goddamn space, I can claw my way back to 'in working order.'"

She leans away from him, drops her hands to her lap, clears her throat. "Got it," she says quietly. "Rogers thought you'd like to know you can report for duty aboard the Avenger any time you'd like. There's going to be a funeral on the deck of the Providence—or just Providence, I'm not actually sure—for everyone who died. Wade—Supreme Commander Wilson," she can barely say the words without laughing, "has demanded that Tommy get special mention. Dr. Pym's still missing, and some of the SHIELD staff on Providence were crushed during the panic, but nobody…" She trails off with a shrug.

"Tom's the only idiot who'd jump ship to save one little girl," Billy finishes for her. Then he scowls and rubs his forehead. "God, what the hell was he even thinking? There's no way he would've been able to move in that kind of crowd, and they were all doomed anyway, he should've just blown them up."

"You don't mean that," Kate says quickly.

"I don't mean that," he admits with a shaky sigh.

"Anyway, the funeral's in an hour, if you wanna go."

"I don't. I can't."

She thinks she understands, at least a little. She nods. "I'll tell them. The carriers will be here for a while, while they negotiate to let some of the refugees back into the States. You know my number."

He nods. "Thanks, Kate."

.End.