1. First Memories
My mom left Charlie when I was only a few months old. We went to live with my grandmother for a little while, don't remember any of that really. After mom got on her feet we came to live in Phoenix, Arizona. I would guess she chose this place because it was the exact opposite of Forks, Washington. It is mostly sunny with only a few days of rain.
Some of my earliest memories are of me reading in the sun, covered in sunblock. I read a lot growing up. I am not sure whe,n but from an early age my mom taught me to read. I really enjoyed books from the first one my mom read to me. When I was four years old in day care, I would read a book in the corner while most of the other kids where playing with dolls or other toys. My teacher would come over and ask if I wanted to play with the girls and their dolls. I didn't, I really would rather read.
It was those picture books that started my obsession; a visual representation to what I was reading. Later, I really got into the story and visualize the books and let them play out in my mind, it was a way for my imagination to run wild. I was always thinking too much. My brain was not a friendly environment; it was always working overtime, even at night while I slept.
When I thought of the first day of kindergarten, Mom walking me into class, I was nervous. I never showed it, but my mom was my best friend and I really never made many friends all through day care. I didn't want her to leave me. So with brave determination I kissed my mom goodbye and turned to take my seat. I saw a few people turn to look at me and a couple girls smile at me, making me feel welcome.
After we went around and introduced ourselves we broke off in little groups so that we could get to know each other better. I didn't really have much to say in the way of prior friendships or activities. Since my mom was my best friend I spent most of my time hanging out with her or reading.
The big event of the day was when I tripped over my feet, again, causing everyone to laugh at me. I have always been a klutz, tripping over my own feet, the carpet, or anything else, air included. My coordination troubles started early on. My mom said it took a while for me to learn to walk without falling over ever couple steps. She said I inherited my lack of balance from Charlie. I am not sure at what point I started calling my dad Charlie, I guess since that is what my mom always called him it was a habit I picked up.
I never got any better with balance as I would trip over everything. I was always embarrassed, red cheeks were evident to that. I would guess that would be a very big reason that I never liked attention. When I was sure to fall down at some point, it was better to do it with no one looking. Especially since on more than one occasion my mom had to take me to the emergency room. I would hit my head on a table or something, so hard she got paranoid thinking I did permanent damage to my brain, who knows maybe I did. I tried to hide any accidents as much as possible, I didn't like going to the hospital, if no one witnessed and I felt fine, no harm done.
So after my first day of meeting new people and embarrassing myself, my mom picked me up she started asking me questions before I even got in the car. She would ask random questions and half the time not wait for an answer. She has always been a little scatter brained, my mom had a short attention span, shorter than I did and I was six. But she was very happy when I told her about Sarah and Erin, the couple friends I made.
After the third degree I grabbed a snack and read in the den while my mom did whatever she did after school and listened to classical music. Some of it was actually very nice and pleasant to listen to. I started to appreciate music at that point, listening to the melodies and lyrics and figure out what they were singing or playing about. It was relaxing.
The next day it started all over again, but this time I made a point to sit with the girls I meet. After a little while Erin started noticing boys and flirted with them, smiling and batting her lashes. It was funny watching the boy's reactions. Sarah and I teased her but she didn't seem to mind it. I think she liked it when boys looked at her, even if they didn't seem to act interested. She would wear skirts and blouses or other pretty clothes, Sarah and I always wore shorts and a long or short sleeve tee shirt. I didn't like skirts or dresses and my mom never pushed them on me so I was happy about that.
By the middle of the year I was feeling comfortable with my peers; not that many talked to me other than the two girls I meet the first of the year, but I was OK with that. Erin and Sarah would hang out with most everyone. They appeared to be the popular people or just got along with everyone, probably the latter.
Naturally there were a couple girls that didn't seem to like me. I guess the saying 'you can't please everyone' begins at birth. I never did anything, never really spoke with them either. One day at recess, I was reading How to Eat Fried Worms, and one of the girls that didn't like me, Lisa, I think, and her followers were making fun of me about something. I am not even sure how it happened, but the next thing I knew they were daring me to eat dirt. Not wanting to find out how much worse they could make my life, I did. It wasn't bad, but wouldn't really like to do it again. Of course that shut them up and really didn't have any problems with them afterwards, or at least they never really paid enough attention to me to have a problem with me.
My friend base expanded by a few as the school year continued. I was invited to a couple birthday parties, but always ended up bleeding from a scrap or some other injury I inflicted on myself. I never like the smell of blood. I could tell when someone else was cut too, the metallic smell permeated the air around me and I would need to lie down. Luckily the feeling would go away once the blood no longer flowed.
As the year continued Sarah started to try and get boys to notice her. I was never jealous or upset as they would sometimes ask a guy to sit with us. I would just smile and be polite. I never thought boys where that interesting, or cute, as Sarah and Erin always referred to them. But boys never really took notice of me either.
Of course my mom always asked if a boy caught my eye, which I quickly told her, no. Not sure why she was interested in whether or not I was talking to boys. She had already started the marriage and sex speeches, very awkward. She was starting to date again, which left me fending for myself in the kitchen on occasions when I was to hungry to wait for the babysitter, not that I needed one. It seemed that I was more grown up than she was sometimes. I was already doing my laundry and helping clean the house a little. Not to mention I was her emotional center, we talked about everything, especially not getting married to young.
I had been taking care of my mom, emotionally, for a while now. But the more my mom dated the more I would end up doing. She had a couple boyfriends when I was young, nothing serious, and she would never bring them home to meet me. She would go out with them for a short time; though they never lasted long. I guess I never had an interest in having a "boyfriend" when they seemed to never stay to long. I never knew sure what happened to them, why they left or she broke it off. Besides I was too young to care, I suppose.
My mom was happy when she first met Tom, one of her boyfriends she actually introduced me to about four months in the relationship, but after six months, it seems that he started coming around less and less. She always tells me to never marry young. I am guessing the most recent round of don't fall in love just because he is handsome or charming, is a result of the recent break up. I know it has to do with my parents' divorce.
I know she liked Tom. When they were together she was always a little happier, even at 7 years old I understood what love was. It would be impossible for me not to have at least an idea of what it was. I gave up on books that were meant for my age. I have just discovered Jane Austen, Charlotte Brontë, and Emily Brontë, but my mom doesn't think I am old enough for those authors. I enjoy reading them anyway. There are always references to love and the need for another person or something. I get it, but I don't see guys that way, maybe I will one day, maybe I'll have a fairy tale romance with a knight in shining armor coming to rescue me from my lack of coordination.
The summer after my second grade class was, as always, a nightmare. I get to do another month in Forks, with rain and clouds as my constant companion. I do like to go to First Beach down at La Push with Charlie and see the tide pools; there is always some neat marine life in them to look at. Charlie has to go with me though, so I don't fall in, again. Not to mention hold my hand to and from so I don't get to badly hurt when I trip over a branch or something. One of the first times we went to the tide pools I tripped and cut my hand pretty badly. That was one of the first time I ever fainted.
I realized it was from the smell of blood. I didn't make this public because no one else seems to be able to smell blood. I would actually faint if I can't get it cleaned up quickly, as was the case in the woods. Charlie cleaned off the wound but didn't think anything of it. We didn't have Band-Aids so it didn't stop bleeding till after I passed out. It was not fun because afterwards I was tired when I came around and Charlie was a nervous wreck and took me to the ER.
By the start of the third grade, I was in big trouble. My mom was so intent on me doing things that after a long talk, she decided to try the parent card. She was reasonable, but said I would be participating in various activities. I started with piano, but that didn't last long as I would whine every time, before and after, until she left me stop. I learned the basics but really couldn't understand the sheet music. My mom could play the piano, but not very well and did so, on her old upright. I would love to listen to her play even though she really only enjoyed playing for herself. I would listen to her and promised myself if I ever got enough money I would buy her a grand piano. She would always become absorbed when she played and it always made her happy. Almost as if she would become someone else, a mysterious persona that was no longer my mother.
Then she had an even worse idea, put someone that tripped over air in ballet! To this day I have no clue how she thought that was a good idea. It was horrible, the teacher kept me in the far back corner for recitals, for which I was honestly thankful. The torture didn't last long before I convinced my mom I needed out, for the good of the other girls in the class.
On the plus side, I did get my first pet. I wanted a bunny but my mom got me a goldfish. Told me bunnies were a lot of responsibility and I would need to prove I could care for a fish first, even though I was taking care of her, at this point. After a couple months he died. I was determined I could keep a fish alive and mom got me another. Well its fate was sealed as soon as it was left in my care and so was the poor third fish my mom got me trying to replace the second one that died, thinking I wouldn't notice. After that I told my mom I was done with the whole pet concept. I didn't like it when my pets died, I cried for days.
Other than a few little adventures, this year was almost the same as the previous. Erin and Sarah continued to "flirt" with boys, smiling, bating their lashes, but this year Erin said she kissed a boy and was now holding hands. I would talk to the boys she was with, smile and be polite, but they weren't really that interesting. They talked about sports or the latest movie that was playing or worse, the hottest new video game that was out. I would feign interest for as long as I could stand before making an excuse to get away. It was hard to make a subtle get away, I couldn't lie; my blushing would give me away if I lied or became embarrassed, it always had. So I opted to try and avoid those situations.
My mom was still my best friend and no guys really took an interest in me, so we spent most of our free time together. Meaning I was trying her newest hobby. The longest running to date was 27 days of consecutive interest, sewing. Not sure why she wanted to do this, sewing was rather boring. It tired it twice, but after I stuck my finger, twice, I was done with it. She also attempted to see if she had a green thumb and made a little potting area around the mailbox. I would sit under the tree and watch as she planted and watered the flowers. A few weeks later they would die and she would try again. I noticed more than once that the flowers would be changed from the morning in an attempt to disguise the fact that they died.
The following years didn't change much, I was still as clumsy as ever, still not interested in boys, and my mom was still my best friend. I did go over to some other friends houses every once in a while. I was also taking over more of the house hold chores, cleaning, sorting the mail, helping with the cooking. That earned me a trip to the ER when I cut myself with a knife slicing a tomato. It seemed the older I got the younger my mom got. Not that I minded helping around the house, I liked taking care of my mom. It was something I was actually good at. Besides she needed all her free time to find new hobbies to quit.
Every summer was a cookie cutter version of its self. I went to Forks to visit Charlie for a month, read, went to the local diner for dinner, came back to his house that hadn't changed since mom lived there and read some more. I was happy enough to read and go to the lake when necessary, which was as often as he and his best friend Billy Black 'needed' to go fishing. They would occasionally take Harry Clearwater with them as he made some really good fish fry seasoning.
The area was beautiful, but it was an alien world. The colors were wrong. Green everywhere and you couldn't see but a few feet in some cases because of the trees. Charlie would always point out all the different trees when we drove around. I was able to recall some, but I wasn't that interested so couldn't remember them all, nor really cared to. My time there was only a month so I would grin and bear it.
The highlight of recent years was when I scared the crap out of my mom playing on the pier. She was videotaping me and I was playing on the railing. As always she was distracted and I wasn't in the same place I was and she started calling out my name. It shocked me, the tone in her voice and I lost my balance, and nearly fell in the ocean. I guess a klutz shouldn't play around like that, but it was fun.