Twilight x Alcohol
Or: Alcohol is Magic
One fateful day in Ponyville, Twilight Sparkle woke up to find Pinkie Pie bouncing in her house.
"Pinkie Pie, what the buck are you doing in my house?" she said.
"Well, Twilight, I'm bouncing around for no particular reason. PROBLEM?" Pinkie's face contorted into a shape that infuriated Twilight Sparkle. She blew Pinkie Pie the hell out of her house using magic and then stormed out with Spike to get something to drink. When she reached the "FROSTY DRINKS YO" section of her local Circle K, she looked in and found some Colts Light.
"What the hell is this?" she asked Pony Marvin.
"It's booze you stupid filly." he responded. "It gets you drunk. Makes you forget all your troubles."
"Cool." she said. She traded Spike for the booze and then went back home. Upon getting home, she found Rainbow Dash in the library, near a couple of burning books.
"What the clop is this?" asked Twilight.
"Well, uh, I set your stuff on fire." replied Dash.
Twilight threw a bottle of booze at Dash, and knocked her unconcious. The alcohol caught on fire and Rainbow Dash started to burn to death, along with the tree house. Twilight closed the door and began to drink. She slowly became drunk, and eventually stumbled out of her house clutching the case of booze in her mouth. She fell over and watched her treehouse burn, and then walked over to Rarity's house. She burst in by falling through the door.
"Rarityyyyy you BITCH where are youUuUu?" she sang horribly offkey. Rarity came from nowhere and took a look at Twilight.
"Darling, are you drunk?" Rarity asked.
"No officer, I only had one." Twilight responded. She then proceeded to vomit and pass out on Rarity's floor.
The next day she was arrested for arson, murder, and intoxication in public. She was sentenced to life in prison and spent it drinking until she eventually died from alcohol poisoning. It was a good life.
The End