13. License to Drive
Bobby turns 16 today! He decided to have a pretty big party and thanks to the e-vites I at least know that my friends are going to be there. It seems that Brenda, Susan and I are all spending more time with our boyfriends than each other, especially Susan since her boyfriend turned 16 and got a car several months ago. Guess I can't blame them any more than they could blame me. We still go to the pool every once in a while and sometimes have a slumber party. Those have gotten more interesting as we have gotten older.
I miss them, but still spend most of my time with my mom or a good book. But I certainly am having fun tonight; well not really, I am not a big crowd person and being the girlfriend of the birthday boy, it is hard to hide. But I smile and hope I don't trip and ruin the cake. As the party comes to a close I give Bobby a big kiss and ask if he had a good birthday. He said he did, but he would have rather been alone with me. I smiled and kissed him again.
Soon after my mom came and got me. We had already decided that he would come pick me up tomorrow and we would go to the pool and meet Susan, Gary, Brenda, and who ever Brenda's newest flame was. I was looking forward to not having to rely on Renée or Phil to cart me around all the time.
So the next day I was excited. I bound down the stairs and inhaled breakfast before running up to brush my teeth and grab my bag. By the time I got back down the door bell rang and my mom grabbed it. Great! Time for some talk about being safe and looking out for others and anything else she could think of to embarrass me. After the, surprisingly, short lecture we were off. He was a very good driver, actually followed the speed limits and traffic laws. Not what I had expected from a male, I thought it was all speed and reckless driving and more speed.
We got to the pool about the same time that Susan and Gary. We saw Brenda and joined them, headed for the chairs she and her current boy toy were saving. I loved Brenda like a sister, but she seemed to go through guys like paper towels. I really did try to follow who broke up with who and why and all that, in the beginning, but after the 3rd or 4th, there were conflicting stories and she showed such little heartbreak afterward it wasn't worth my effort.
We did the introductions and the girls lay out while the guys got in the pool. As it seems to be the norm I read and reapplied sun block on regular intervals and made sure I had some shade close to cower under while the others baked themselves to a dark tan. I was jealous. I never got dark or tan or anything. My options were to stay white or get burnt. I have no idea how I could have lived in the sun for all of my life and still look like I never moved from Forks. Maybe I was a vampire and didn't know it.
Once we were ready to head out Bobby and I went back to his car, I giggled to myself as he took me home, this was nice. I had lots to get done around the house and needed to get dinner going so he dropped me off after a quick make out session and left. Once I got cleaned up, the house picked up, bills paid and dinner going I took a minute to watch some the of news, not sure why. It is just the same thing it always seemed to be about missing persons, some people found dead, most likely gang related and something about another country fighting their neighbor over something.
By then dinner was ready and mom, Phil, and I had a nice meal. Then we started talking about their upcoming wedding and about my 16th birthday. I told them not to do much for me and they said that I had to have some kind of party, it was my sweet 16. I relented to a small gathering of my friends and that was it. The wedding would be toward the end of the month so that I would have a car if they needed help moving things or taking things places or what not. I don't remember my mom's dad and since my grandmother passed some years back and she wasn't close to her sister our side of the family was pretty sparse. Phil had a rather small family also so it was going to be a pretty small wedding.
They agreed to have a minister at the banquet hall where they were having the reception. It would be the standard ceremony and a buffet dinner with beer and wine. I was not allowed to have any alcohol, but I was going to try. Thank god she wasn't going to make me stand up there with her, she had her best friend be the matron of honor and Phil's best friend was his best man and that was the wedding party. After they were going to stay at the hotel and I was going to stay with Susan. They were planning the honeymoon for when I was with Charlie.
Now it seemed all the planning was actually completed, we'll see how it goes. As I cleaned the kitchen and headed to bed I thought about what the future holds. Phil and my mom were spending all their time together, but it was usually here with me. They never said anything, but I could tell it wasn't easy. When Phil left for his away games; it was hard for my mom. He was so much younger than she was, but it made her act younger, feel younger and that made her happy. I shook my head. I decided that this is something I had to think through when I had plenty of time.
For the rest of the summer I went out with Bobby, meet the girls every once in a while, took care of the house work and bills, worked four days a week at the bookstore and read. By the time school was about to start I was glad for the break. But I decided not to quit my job; I was having fun and got a nice discount on books. The only problems I started to see, Bobby was becoming a little distant. Not sure what had changed, but I could feel something was wrong.
By the start of school I was happy. I was almost sixteen and really excited for my mom and it was the last year I would ever have to take a physical education class. That is I hoped that I would finish the class and not die trying, they thought it would be a good idea to add dancing to the list of modern day tortures. I can't walk without tripping over nothing, how do they expect me to dance?
Not surprising I was horrible at dancing and they wouldn't let me out. Cruel and unusual punishment was the first thought that came to my mind, but I suffer through as most of my other classes are going well, except Geometry, finding the angel of a triangle, really, who needs that when they read for a living? I was still hopeful about my career choice. At least English was going well we were reading one of my favorite books.
As my birthday was fast approaching I was elated, aside from being the center of attention. I had already picked up on my mom getting me a car. Or she was getting one for herself and giving me her old one. Either why it meant I was getting a car, something I was sure would not happen. Of course my mom took me to a self defense class. Telling me that if I am going to be out later once I turn 16 then she wants to make sure I can defend myself. Naturally the first thing they tell you is be aware of your surrounds and run if you can. Yeah me run, I would fall flat on my face in two steps. But it was a good class none the less and I thanked my mom for taking me.
On my birthday I was overjoyed, about being able to drive, not about my birthday. There was an extra car in the driveway. As I ran down to grab breakfast my mom beamed at me. Phil was heading out and was telling me good luck. Confused I looked at my mom and she told me she called the school and I was on my way to get my driver's license. Now I was nervous, happy, but nervous. I nibbled the Pop Tart as my stomach did somersaults and I tried to breathe. Once I was ready I jumped in the car and drove to the DMV to take my place in line.
Hours later I finally got to take the test and passed! I am not sure how, but I was able to parallel park, I guess since no one was injured it was a success. They gave me my license to freedom and I drove home glowing. My mom handed me a set of car keys and told me happy birthday. She had given me her old car, and I was ready to go to school. I was hoping to get there before the 2nd bell rang so no one would notice my arrival and I would be on time and walk into class without making an entrance. Fortune smiled upon me as I make it just in time.
That night I had a very small party and a really good time. As demanded I didn't get anything from my friends other than Happy Birthday cards and from Susan a pair of fuzzy dice for my car, I died laughing. By the end of the night I was pleased. Bobby and I took a spin in my car around the block, just so we could make out. But again I got the feeling something was off once we got home, but he didn't say anything and I kissed him good night and headed to bed.
All was well for the next few weeks and then it was time for my mom to get married. She would have forgotten it was her wedding if not for me, I swear this women's brain doesn't work right. Luckily everything went according to plan and it was a lovely ceremony, reception and the food was very good. Once it was over I headed to Susan's.
We just talked for a few hours, about school and work; she was a hostess at a local restaurant now. Then we got to the serious topics. Apparently I wasn't overreacting. Bobby was getting frustrated that our relationship seemed to be going nowhere, i.e. we weren't being more physical, meaning I was letting him go further. I knew I was going to have to think for a while on this. I just didn't feel a connection with him. There was no draw for me. I liked him, he was nice, kind, generous, but that wasn't enough for me to go further, was it?
After another hour discussing this with Susan I had a tough choice ahead. I was beginning to see the easiest thing to do was end it. That seems to be what he wanted if we weren't going to move along at a faster pace. So once we went to bed I decided to debate with myself. I'm not an idiot, girls my age think about sex, a lot I am sure. I mean I do. The only thing is I am not the kind of girl that will have sex for attention or affection. I don't need a male to validate who I am. I am plain and boring and there is nothing special about me, but that is who I am and I am fine with it. I can't see myself making love to a guy that I am not unconditionally and irrevocably in love with. OK so let's not go that far yet; am I OK with other things? Would I mind him touching me? Would I be willing to change who I was and my beliefs and allow him to be more physical with me or me with him? After nearly thirty minutes my decision was made and I fell fast asleep.
"Edward again?" Susan was standing over me. Crap! What they hell was with this Edward character that I read in a book years ago, OK so maybe I have read it a couple times now, but still. It was the same field, but now I was convinced it was in Forks and someone was with me and it appeared to be in the middle of nowhere given my apparent walk through the woods that one night. I wasn't scared although I guess I should have been; whoever I was with I must have trusted with my life, I felt safe.
"It was a really good book and I have read it several times." She looked at me and smirked.
"If there was a boy at school named Edward I would not believe you for a second, however that isn't really a modern name anymore so fine, I'll buy your BS for now. But I am so going to get to the bottom of your little deception." She was smiling so I knew I was in the clear.
I got up and got ready for the day. After breakfast I hopped in MY car and headed home. I cleaned and made a grocery list and headed to the store. By the time I got back Mr. and Mrs. Dwyer, that was going to take some getting used to, were home. I hugged them and congratulated them again and told them I was making something special. My mom smiled and thanked me, then told me Phil's game was changed and he would have to leave tomorrow instead of next week. There was sadness in her eyes that I couldn't help but see and I felt guilty she would have to stay with me.
After dinner I headed to my room to catch up on homework and read. After I finished my homework I read until I fell asleep. I had a weird dream that night. I dreamt about living in Forks with Charlie. He seemed happy that I was there, but I was cold, wet and miserable. When I woke up the next morning I realized that that might be a glimpse of my future. The only way for my mom to be with Phil, her husband, was if she didn't have to be here for me. It looks like I will have to see where her thoughts are while he is away.
As I got ready for school I was rehearsing my plan. I got there and decided to get it over with, sooner the better. I caught up with Bobby before he made it to class; I knew I needed to get this over with so here goes.
"Bobby, you got a second?" He nodded, wasn't really smiling and I hadn't heard from him all weekend, so I guess this is it. "Listen, I think we need to end this. We both want different things and I am not willing to compromise on my end and I don't think it is fair to you." Deep breath, "So what do you say, friends?" It was easier to say than I thought; no tears were forming, not blushing.
"Yeah, sure if that is what you want to do." Still no real smile no indication this was a good thing or bad thing, but it almost sounded like hope in his voice.
My decision was made so, "I'm sure." With that he nodded and we turned to head our separate ways.
I had decided that was the best decision. It didn't take long for me to convince myself laying in bed at Susan's that Bobby was pretty much over this relationship unless I gave him more physical attention. I was in it, but only because it was kind of what I had come to expect, it was comfortable. Once I made that little insight I figured there was no reason for him to feel obligated to stay with me, when I really didn't feel the need to be with him long term. I'll admit maybe I was missing out on something. Susan opened up about sex a little the other night and she seemed to really like it. Brenda was having sex and she said it was the best thing ever, well after her first couple times, but Susan and I aren't sure how many guys she has been with and that worried us. I just wanted to find the perfect man to be with. I didn't want to settle, I wouldn't settle for second best or good enough or a warm body.
Problem was who is the perfect man? Good thing I have English right now because I know what he is talking about and can daydream. Well I would know him when I saw him, love at first sight. My mom always said, don't believe in love at first sight, your eyes aren't that good. But why shouldn't I? Wouldn't my mind know if I saw a great looking guy that had a presence about him, couldn't I look him in the eyes and just know that this is the guy for me. Wouldn't it be primal, almost animalistic in nature to find the right guy, the perfect mate? Whoa, where did I get mate from, I guess animal instincts would fit that notion.
I continued for the entire class to try and think of my perfect man. I came up with old fashion, like the characters in my favorite books. Naturally he would be strong, fast and agile, not to mention dexterous a real athlete, I mean someone has to keep me from falling over all the time. He would be gorgeous, not that I judge a book by its cover, but hey this is my fantasy man, so he would be breathe taking, a living statue, like Adonis. And he would need to smell good, naturally, not that cheap cologne crap half the guys in this school reek of. Loves his family, one thing my mom said, 'see how he treats his family because that is how he will treat you'. And there has to be chemistry, I would have to be drawn to him, like I couldn't live without him. There would be a current between us, a physical reaction to our close proximity. I really hope this love at first sight works both ways because if I found this guy and lost him I would be devastated, like the living dead.
Damn bell. Math is next so looks like my dream man is just going to be that, a dream, nothing more than a mythical creature in my mind. The rest of the day was very much the same. Susan came over and chatted for a second when she heard what I did. Brenda came over gushing about a guy she was with the other day and told me he had a cute friend and since I was single. I cut her off somewhere in there with a resounding NO, but thanks. That night Bobby called and we talked for a while. He wanted to make sure I would be OK if he started dating other people; I had the feeling it meant that he already found someone so I told him, yes, that is why we broke up. After that he hung up and I was off to bed, not having shed one tear.
The story of my life has another carbon copy chapter, fifth wheel for Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas with married mom, Phil and friends, and New Years with some friends, not kissing anyone. The rest of the year went by fairly quickly. Between work and school and homework and taking care of the house and trying all my mom's new hobbies or grand ideas, I was busy. I still did things with my friends and they constantly asked about guys, but I was adamant and honest when I said that none really interested me. Susan smiled in encouragement and Brenda didn't understand, but I just smiled and the conversation would move on.
By the end of the school year I was on cloud nine. I passed and didn't have to take gym ever again. I was heading back to California with Charlie, mom and Phil were going off on their honeymoon and I was going to be a junior. Then reality came crashing down on me at the beginning of the summer, a few days before I left for vacation. I heard my mom crying. Phil had been gone for nearly 2 weeks as they had multiple away games and he wasn't going to be back until the day before they left for their trip. He was going to be tired and sick of traveling before they even left for their honeymoon. This was going to be a big problem for me. I hated it when I made people suffer.