A Time to Heal
Chapter 2
Why Hold Back?
CASTLE looked as surprised as she did by her offer to come in. He turned off the engine and pulled out the keys. He went around and opened her door and they walked to her apartment.
When they walked in, she motioned to the couch. "Have a seat. Wine okay?"
He sat down. "Sure." Feeling warm, either from the temperature in the room or the idea that he was getting ready to have wine with Kate, he took off his suit jacket and hung it on the back of the couch.
She went and got a bottle of wine out of the refrigerator. She brought the bottle and two glasses over to the couch. Kicking off her shoes, she sat down on the couch, tucking her legs underneath her. He poured them each a glass of wine and set the bottle on the table. She quickly drank the whole glass and poured herself another.
They sat in silence for a moment then both started talking at the same time. They laughed nervously.
"Ladies first," Castle said.
She ran her fingers around the edge of the glass nervously. "I'm sorry, Castle."
He frowned at her. "For what?"
"This was the worst first date ever."
"I know. It couldn't have gone worse if we tried."
She finished the second glass of wine. "I won't blame you if don't want to go out with me again."
"Why wouldn't I want to go out with you? I'm the one who messed up our date, not you."
She looked at him confused. "What makes you think that?"
"Well, let's see," he said, ticking off the reasons on his fingers. "First I made a fool of myself thinking I didn't need to make reservations and almost didn't get us a table. Then I ordered you something you didn't even want, trying to impress you with my Italian, when it turns out you speak it fluently. Then I let my hurt ego put me in a bad mood and allowed it ruin our dinner."
She couldn't help but laugh.
He frowned. "What's so funny?"
"Nothing. It's just... I was upset because I thought I had ruined our date. You thought that you did."
"Why did you think you ruined our date?"
She shrugged. "I don't know. I was just so worried about saying the right thing and doing the right thing that I just kind of panicked." She smiled. "Do you know why I didn't want the spaghetti? Because I was worried I would spill it, or make a mess? Silly, huh?"
He smiled back. "Very silly. I don't know why we were so worried about it. We aren't different people just because we were on a date. I guess I should have thought about that before I tried so hard to impress you, huh? Taking you to a Bel Cibo's, ordering your favorite dish..."
That reminded her. "By the way, how did you know that was my favorite Italian dish?"
He took her hand. "Do you remember last year when we were working on that case in Little Italy and we ate at that hole- in- the- wall Italian place?"
"Stevie's? Yeah. Their food was to die for. I had the Spaghetti Bolognese there. You remembered that? How much I liked it?"
He turned her hand over and started drawing shapes on the palm of her hand with his fingers. "Oh Yeah. You were so into it that you didn't even notice me watching you." He stopped playing with her hand briefly, and waited until she looked at him. "You actually moaned when you took the first bite. When you were done, you had sauce on the corner of your mouth and licked it off. It was the sexiest thing I had ever seen. I remember badly wanting to lean over and lick it off for you."
The look on her face was priceless. He could see that what he had said had unnerved her. A lot. But she hadn't gotten up and walked away. He took that as a good sign. A very good sign.
Hoping he wasn't pressing his luck, he slowly leaned over and kissed the corner of her mouth, letting his tongue lick it gently. He felt her shudder and pulled back briefly before kissing her fully on the mouth. Before when he had kissed her, they had been gentle kisses, almost tentative, meant to explore. He had been careful, trying not to scare her off. This time, they both wanted more and the kisses were hungry and intense.
She pushed herself up so that she was kneeling on the couch, seeking more contact. He reached behind her, running his fingers lightly over the bare skin of her back. They felt like fire on her cool skin. Without breaking their kiss, he reached up and opened the clip in her hair, letting it tumble down around her shoulders. He buried his hands in her curls. He had a sudden vision of her lying on him with her hair brushing against his bare chest. That image almost pushed him over the edge. He leaned back on the couch, until he was lying down, gently pulling her with him. Although she didn't pull away, he immediately felt her whole body tense up as soon as she found herself lying on top of him.
He reluctantly let go of her arms and she sat up quickly and moved away to the other side of the couch. He slowly sat up too. He looked at her, but she avoided his eyes.
"Wow," she said suddenly, standing up. "It's getting late. We have to work tomorrow, so…"
He was surprised by her abrupt tone. He toyed with the idea of trying to get her to talk, but decided that it was best to leave it alone. For now.
"Yeah, I guess I better get going," he said, also standing up. He couldn't help but smile when he saw how relieved she looked as they walked over to the door.
Before leaving he reached over and tucked her hair behind her ear so he could see her face and then let his hand rest on her shoulder. "It's okay that you stopped things when you did, you know. There's no hurry. You can take all the time you need. Because when we do finally make love, I want to know there is nothing holding us back. No doubts." He slowly let his hand slide down her arm and take her hand. He leaned in and whispered, "For the record, I definitely think it's going to be worth the wait." He gave her one last lingering kiss before walking out.
She shut the door slowly behind him, her arm still tingling where he had ran his fingers down it. She was grateful that he was gone. She didn't know how she would have handled it if he had stayed. She had worried that he was going to do the whole 'confront your feelings' routine and she just didn't feel up to it. Feeling felt very confused, she just wanted to be alone.
ON the way home, Castle was reeling from the night's events. He felt like he was on an emotional roller coaster. Before his date he had been feeling excited and nervous. The failed date and silent ride to Kate's had left him feeling depressed and frustrated. Now he was feeling frustrated again- for a very different reason of course- as well as happy and concerned. He was happy because their date wasn't a bust after all, but concerned because Kate was obviously still holding back. What was it going to take, he wondered, for her to finally let go and trust him?
AT 4:00 the following morning, Kate was already wide awake and out of bed. She hadn't slept well at all. Every time she closed her eyes she had heard Castle's voice whispering how it was going to be worth the wait when they finally made love, which had played havoc with her emotions. Just the thought had kept her tossing and turning for what seemed like hours before she finally had fallen into a restless sleep, only to wake up a few short hours later.
Although she was still physically exhausted, it only took a few minutes for her to realize that going back to sleep was not an option. Resigned to the fact that she was just going to have to make it through the day on a limited amount of sleep, she got up and headed to the kitchen to make herself some coffee. She hesitated when she walked past the couch. The empty wine glasses still sat on the coffee table, and Castle's jacket was hanging on the back of the couch. Feeling a little foolish, she picked it up and held it to her face, inhaling the subtle scent of his spicy cologne. She felt a tingle shoot through her body as she thought about what had happened on that couch last night.
She frowned as she thought about how she had shut down when things became too intense. Once again, she found herself wondering what was keeping her from moving forward in her relationship with Castle. Obviously it wasn't for lack of physical attraction. So what was her problem? She was acting like she had never had sex before. It's not like she was a virgin or anything. Although she didn't feel she had been promiscuous, she had been with her fair share of men. She had always enjoyed sex enough, but she had never really understood what the big fuss was about. Sex was just…sex. So what was different now? With Castle?
She suddenly felt very alone. She couldn't talk to Castle about this. She wanted to talk to Lanie, but that wasn't an option either. She knew that Lanie wouldn't be able to keep it from Esposito. And if Esposito knew, then Ryan would know and she didn't want people to know about her and Castle. If things didn't work out with them, it would be easier.
Rubbing her temples, she became aware of a headache coming on. Too much serious thinking, she thought with a slight smile. She washed a couple of pain pills down with coffee, and went to get ready for work.
AT the station, Kate was sitting at her desk when Castle arrived. He looked around to make sure that the Captain wasn't in yet before he quietly said, "Morning Kate," and leaned down to give her a kiss. She pulled back abruptly.
"Can I talk to you?" she asked tersely. "Privately." She stood up and headed to his office. He walked behind her, wondering what he had done now.
"What the heck are you doing, Castle?" she asked as soon as the door shut behind them.
"What? If you're worried about the Captain, don't be. I checked to make sure she wasn't here yet. Anyway, she said she didn't like the idea of office romances not that it was against the policies. Besides," he said with a wicked smile," doesn't forbidden fruit always taste better?"
He moved in and tried to kiss her. She quickly put her hands on his chest and pushed him away. "It's not just the Captain, I'm worried about. What about Esposito and Ryan. You haven't told them anything have you? About us?"
He stepped back. "No, I haven't really had the opportunity. But do you really think Lanie hasn't already told Esposito?"
"I know she hasn't. She doesn't know."
"You haven't told her?" That was odd. Lanie and Kate were close, even closer since the accident. He couldn't believe she would keep something like this from her.
She crossed her arms defensively. "No. I just think that we should be sure about this before we let people know. You know, in case things don't work out."
When he didn't answer, she asked, "That's okay isn't it? If we wait? I just don't want-"
"Oh. Sure. I get it. You're right."
She could see that even though he was saying the right words, he wasn't happy about her decision. She searched for what she could say that might help. With a sudden grin, she leaned into his chest. Putting her mouth close to his ear she whispered, "we'll just have to be… discreet." She pulled away and walked to the office door. She shot a wink over her shoulder before walking out, leaving a speechless Castle alone in his office.
"I'M telling you, she's driving me crazy," Castle confessed over dinner that evening. He had suffered through the laughter and 'I told you so's' from his mother and Alexis as he had given them a play by play of his ill-fated date. "I'm serious," he added when he saw their amused looks.
"I don't know what to do. I can't figure out what is going on with her. I feel like every time we start to make some progress, something happens to set us back. Today she was mad at me one minute and flirting the next. I give up," he said, throwing his hands in the air.
"Come on," he said when neither of them said anything right away. "This is what you have been waiting for isn't it? Lecture away. Give me advice. Tell me what to do!"
"Poor Daddy," Alexis said patting his arm. "Don't worry, we're here for you, right Gram?"
Martha smiled brightly. "Of course we are. "
He rolled his eyes at their obvious excitement at the opportunity to tell him what to do. "Okay ladies. I put myself in your capable hands. Give it your best shot."