A Time to Heal
Chapter 8
"We need to talk"
"THINGS with Castle are… complicated."
"Yeah" her father replied with a smile. "I got that when you yelled at him and kicked him out."
"I know, don't remind me. I shouldn't have treated him like that. I just didn't sleep well last night so I was kind of on edge."
"Come on, Kate. If we're going to talk, let's talk. It's more than you not getting enough sleep. You were really angry at him when you thought he had come to see me."
"Fine. I was really mad. So?"
"Why did that bother you so much?"
"I don't know. I just feel better if I keep my personal life personal, is that so wrong?"
"I don't know if it's wrong exactly, but I think it's strange. I got the impression that you and Rick were really close."
"We are close. He's a great friend. And we started dating a few weeks ago." Saying the words out loud sounded awkward to her.
Her father smiled. "Good for you. I really like Rick. So what's the complicated part?"
She stood up and started pacing. She wasn't sure how to explain it.
"I don't know. It just is. I guess I'm just too –I don't know. I think that we just aren't on the same page. It seems like every time I think things are going fine, he wants something more."
"More? More what?"
"Just more. More of me. And I don't know how to give it to him. I know it bothers him. He tries to hide it, but I can tell."
Although she was scarce on the details, he was pretty sure he knew exactly what the problem with her relationship with Castle. After his wife's murder, he had buried himself in the bottle, a fact that he wasn't proud of. When he finally dug himself out, with Kate's help, he had a whole different daughter. Once out-going, carefree and full of fun, the new Kate was serious, afraid to trust and withdrawn. Counseling had helped, but she had never fully bounced back. One frustrating change was the way she reacted whenever he tried to get her to talk about her pain. She would either storm out or start a fight. The more stressed out she was, the bigger the reaction. He had jokingly referred to it as her primitive fight or flight instinct. If he was a betting man, he would bet that Castle often found himself on the receiving end of this same reaction when he tried to talk with her.
He didn't know Rick well, but he didn't seem like the type to give up easily and as he had told Kate, he did seem crazy about her. He really hoped he wouldn't give up. Kate deserved happiness and he had a feeling that Rick could give it to her.
He stood up and went to her, putting his arm around her. "I wish I knew what to say to make this better for you honey. I know trust doesn't come easily for you."
"Gee, I wonder why," Kate mumbled under her breath. The fact that he hadn't been there for her after her mother's murder had been a huge stumbling block in their relationship for a long time. It was better than it was, but he was afraid it would never completely go away. It hurt to know that he played a part in her emotional issues.
"Kate, I know..."
"Just leave it, okay Dad?" She immediately felt guilty for her unthinking remark. She could tell she had hurt his feelings, and he was trying so hard to help. She turned and gave him a giant hug. "I'm sorry. I really do appreciate you listening Dad."
He returned the hug. "You're welcome. Anytime you need to talk, I'm here for you. I'm sure things will work themselves out." They visited for just a little longer, then he had to leave.
As soon as he walked out, Kate pulled out her cell phone. She owed Castle an apology. She frowned when her call went to voice mail. She tried again with the same response. She decided to leave a message. "Hey Castle, it's me. Umm, I need to talk to you. Give me a call."
She decided to go and work out while she waited for Castle to call her back. She had already been on edge from the night before when Castle had gotten upset with her for not wanting to talk about her bad dreams. She had come home and went to bed, only to be woken up by the same dream. Not having Castle there to comfort her only served to make it seem worse, which really freaked her out. She was sure that her high level of stress was what caused her to flip out earlier. She hoped that the physical exertion would do its job of relieving the stress.
Hours later, as Kate got ready for bed, she couldn't help but be disappointed by the fact that Castle hadn't returned her call. She would just have to apologize tomorrow, she decided before falling into a restless sleep.
THE following morning, when Kate arrived at work, she looked up at his window, as she did every morning. Only now she didn't try to hide it, and he was always there looking back. She frowned when she didn't see him. She set her things down at her desk and then headed to his office. She was anxious to get the apology over with.
She knocked on his open door. "Hey Castle, can I come in?" she asked when she saw him sitting at the computer.
He looked up. "Sure."
"I tried calling you yesterday. Didn't you get my message?"
"Yeah, I got it. I guess I just didn't feel like talking."
She sat on the corner of his desk. "I can't say I blame you. I was calling to apologize for the way I acted yesterday. My dad told me what had actually happened. I was wrong and I'm really sorry." She smiled at him flirtatiously. "Forgive me?"
Her smile quickly faded when he didn't smile back. "Why didn't you tell me that your father was in town?"
"What?" she asked, completely thrown off by the question.
"You knew that your father was coming over. You assumed that I had never met him. Didn't you think I might want to?"
Of course she had known. That's why she hadn't told him.
When she didn't immediately answer, he continued. "What was it you said last night, that I had invaded your personal life? How long have we known each other? You just had dinner at my house with my daughter and my mother. And I don't even get to meet your father? Am I supposed to be okay with that?"
Before she could answer, there was a knock on the door.
Without waiting for a response, Esposito popped his head in. "Yo, Castle. We've got a job waiting for you over there. It's about a… um, am I interrupting something?" he asked when he noticed the tension in the room.
"No," Castle answered. "You're not interrupting anything. I'll be right there." Esposito didn't look convinced, but he left without saying anything else, just shaking his head.
Kate was relieved by Esposito's timely visit. She didn't like the way the conversation had been going. She got up from the desk. "Duty calls, Mr. Castle," she said teasingly.
"Kate," he said, his tone much more serious than hers. "We need to talk."
"Sure, okay."
"How about I stop over tonight?" he asked.
"You know, tonight's not good. But we'll talk soon, okay?" She quickly walked out without waiting for his answer.
Castle shook his head in frustration. 'We'll talk soon' was Kate's way of saying 'let me put this off until Castle drops it.' He wished he could drop it. He wished that he could be content with what they had now. It was so much more than they had before. But he had done a lot of soul searching last night and had come to the conclusion that he couldn't be content with what they had. It reminded him of how he had felt when the new Captain had first come on board and told him that he wasn't needed there anymore. How he had snuck around solving cases behind her back. At first it was fun and exciting, but as each day passed he had become more and more disillusioned as he was always on the outside looking in. Had she not found him out and given him a job, he was pretty sure he would have eventually given up and moved on.
His relationship with Kate was the same thing. At first he was so thrilled with the fun flirting and the stolen kisses that he had buried his disappointment in the fact that he had to sneak around and be careful not to ask too many questions. But he was noticing that his disappointment was beginning to turn into resentment. He wanted this relationship with Kate to work so badly that it hurt, but it wasn't really a relationship the way it was. So no, he wasn't going to drop it. He knew she wouldn't like it, but he was going to her place tonight and tell her how he felt. Pushing her had worked before, getting her to admit her feelings for him and getting them this far. He figured it would work again. At least he hoped so.
THAT evening, Kate again found herself squaring off with her punching bag. Although they had worked together on a case all day, Castle had been very distant, moving away when she tried to sneak in any kind of physical contact. His telling her that they needed to talk in that serious tone, combined with his standoffish behavior, had her concerned. That was the last thing she needed the day after spending time with her father. His visits always brought back unhappy memories, putting her in an unsettled mood which she knew would make talking to Castle a really bad idea.
That is why, when she heard a knock at the door a couple of minutes later, her stomach dropped in dread. She knew immediately that it was Castle. Knowing that it was futile to pretend she wasn't home, she reluctantly went over and opened the door. As they stood there looking at each other in the open doorway, she had a sinking feeling that this conversation was going to go very badly. By the look on his face, Castle was thinking the same thing.