A Time to Heal

Chapter 9

One Foot Out The Door

SHE moved away from the door without saying anything, allowing him to enter the room. She took a deep breath before turning around to face him.

He smiled slightly, aware that she was not happy with him for showing up. "Hey, come here. Let's sit down."

"I don't want to sit down. Look, I told you that I was sorry about the way I treated you yesterday, and I meant it. And I'm sorry that I didn't tell you that my dad was coming for a visit. What else can I do?"

"You can sit down and talk to me."

"I told you that tonight's not a good time. Can't this wait?"

"Wait until when? Tomorrow? Next week? Next month? There never seems to be a good time to talk to you, Kate."

His slightly sarcastic tone ticked her off. "Why are you doing this, Castle? Why can't you just leave things alone! What we have is working, why do you have to mess that up?"

"Well, maybe I don't think what we have is working," he said harshly.

That surprised her. She knew that he wished she would share more with him, but she had assumed that aside from that he was a happy as she was.

"What we have is fun, Kate, but there has to be more to a relationship than fun. I shouldn't have to tiptoe around, worried that if I ask you the wrong thing you're going to shut down or walk away."

"Come on, Castle. Don't you think you're exaggerating?"

"No actually, I don't think so. The other night when you came over to eat, you had to change because your shirt got wet. Do you think I didn't notice how you buttoned every single button on the shirt you borrowed? I wanted to ask if it was because of your of scar. I wondered if it was because you didn't want me to see it, or maybe because it reminded you of the shooting. We haven't even talked about that. But I knew better than to ask and risk ruining our evening. Then later when you woke up from that bad dream, I wanted to be able to talk to you about it, maybe help you work through it. I took the risk and tried to talk to you about it and what happened?"

When she didn't respond, he continued, "You told me you were fine and it was late and you had to go." Just thinking about it made the frustration he had been feeling come back full force. "You know, I remember the fight we had here before… everything with Lockwood and Roy. You asked me what we were. I said I didn't know what we were, and I guess I still don't. What are we, Kate? We're not a couple. I can't even tell anyone about us, you won't talk about anything important, were like friends with benefits." He laughed humorlessly. "Or rather friends without benefits."

That finally got a response from her. "So is that what this is all about? You're not getting any?"

"No! Of course not! At least not the way you're thinking. If what I was looking for was just sex, I would have been gone a long time ago. It's not that you hold back in the bedroom, it's that you hold back with everything. I just feel like what we have is so superficial. Like we're just going through the motions." He remembered a conversation he had with her a long time ago. He reached over and put his hand on her cheek and waited for her to really look at him. "Kate, you still have one foot out the door."

She pulled her face away. She too remembered that conversation and knew exactly what he meant. "I can't believe you're doing this. What about what you said, that my baggage didn't matter? That you wouldn't change a thing about me, that we would work through this together?"

"I meant that. I still do. But it's not going to happen without some effort. I think you're content with what we have and so you're not even trying. We can't move forward if you won't even try!"

She couldn't believe they were having this conversation. Although he couldn't see it, she had opened up more to him than anyone else, but obviously it still wasn't enough. She felt the sting of tears in her eyes and turned her head until she could blink them away hoping he wouldn't see them. She could feel her heart racing, usually the first sign of a panic attack. She forced herself to breathe deeply, in an attempt to keep it at bay. Focusing on her clenched hands, she asked, "So what are you saying? Are you giving me an ultimatum, Castle? Either I start sharing or you're out?"

The question rendered him temporarily speechless. What was he saying? He hadn't thought that far ahead. He had known that this was going to be a tough conversation. He had known that she would be upset, and he even expected that there would most likely be a fight. Somehow it never occurred to him that she would see it as an ultimatum. He had no idea how to answer. Honestly, he was tempted to just tell her to forget the whole conversation and just try to live with what they had and hope she would come around, but he knew that wasn't the answer.

He took so long answering that she finally looked up and met his eyes. He looked at her sadly. "I don't know. I just know that I can't keep going the way we are and be happy."

She had no idea what to say to that. She knew that she could fix this by simply giving him what he wanted. She wished she could, but somehow holding in her feelings and fears had become who she was, and she just couldn't lose herself again. The realization that she was going to lose Castle because of it was almost too much to bear. The tears she had managed to blink away ealier were back and she had to try hard not to let them fall. She felt her chest tighten as she tried to catch her breath. She was afraid that if she didn't stop this conversaton now, she was going to have a full blown panic attack, and she wasn't about to let him witness that.

Determinded to get him to leave, she said sarcastically, "Well, I guess you won't be surprised when I tell you that I'm done talking about this. There's really nothing left to say. Now please go." She walked over and opened the door. He reluctantly followed her. He was shocked at the way this was turning out, but didn't know what to do about it.

Before he walked out, she shook her head sadly and said, "I knew it." When Castle looked at her questioningly, he could see the tears standing in her eyes. "I should have known better than to trust you."

Her tears and words felt like a knife in his chest. He suddenly felt the need to try one more time. "This isn't about trusting me. It's about trusting yourself, trusting us. Please, Kate."

He saw her tears finally fall as she shut the door in his face.