A Time to Heal

Chapter 11

Hiding the Pain

KATE was relieved when the day was over and she could finally leave the station. She walked into the elevator and waited until the doors softly closed before allowing herself to relax. Determined to hide her true feelings, she had spent the whole day working to maintain the facade that everything was fine. She was fairly sure that she had pulled it off, but it hadn't been easy.

She was somewhat surprised that Castle hadn't addressed the situation at all. She had halfway expected him to try and corner her to make sure she was okay or try again to defend his decision. She told herself that she wasn't even a little disappointed that he hadn't made the effort to fix things.

With this day behind her, she found herself wondering what would happen now. Would every day be another one like today, where every time she saw him, or heard his voice, she would brace herself against the feeling of loss that kept washing over her? Or would each day get easier as they got used to their new relationship, whatever that would be. Although technically possible, she couldn't imagine them ever getting back what they had before they had started dating. How could she just sit and talk to him? Joke around with him? How could she go on pretending nothing had ever happened between them? They had been lucky today. Someone had always been around and thankfully they didn't have any off site work. How was she going to handle riding in a car with him after all of this?

She felt a wave of anger surface as she realized the magnitude of the situation. Her worse fears were realized. Her relationship with him hadn't worked out and not only did she have to deal with that loss, she had to face the fact that she had also lost a close friend. She was so mad at herself for taking the chance with him against her better judgment. Things might not have perfect before, but she had been content. Then he made her think she could be happy with him and she had a glimpse of what could be, only to have it ripped away. The anger at herself was soon directed towards Castle. Why had he worked so hard to get them together only to give up on them so soon? Why didn't he fight harder to make it work?

CASTLE was also anxious to leave after the long, stressful day at work. He counted down the minutes and left as soon as the clock hit 5:00. Not surprisingly, when he arrived home he was met at by his daughter.

Alexis looked at him with concern in her eyes. "Gram told me what happened with Beckett. I'm so sorry dad. Are you okay?"

He gave her a small, sad smile. "Thanks sweetheart. And no, I'm not okay. But I will be," he replied as much to convince himself as her.

Hearing his voice, Martha came rushing in from the other room. She had the same look of concern in her eyes that he had seen in Alexis'. "You're home! How are you? How was work?"

He knew she meant how did it go with Kate at work. "Actually it went okay. Kate and I were very... civil. I was worried that she would be really mad, or hurt, but she seemed okay. In fact, I was surprised at just how okay she was."

Alexis picked up on his tone. "You sound disappointed."

"What? No of course not. Why would I be disappointed?"

"I don't know. If I broke up with Ashley and I saw him the next day and he acted like everything was fine I would be devastated!"

Actually he had been a little hurt by her reaction, or lack of one. He had felt his gut twist every time she walked into the room, but she didn't seem to have any reaction. Apparently this wasn't affecting her like it was him. He reassured himself that this was an indication that he had made the right decision to walk away. He would have always been more invested in the relationship than she was.

Martha watched the play of emotions on his face. "Maybe you were hoping she would be a little upset? Maybe enough to want to work things out?"

"Of course. I wish she would have come in devastated that we broke up and ready to do anything to save the relationship. But, since that's not the way it worked out, I think I can honestly say that I'm glad she's okay."

"How can you feel that way?" Alexis asked. "Maybe I'm wrong for saying it, but if I were you I would want her to be miserable too."

Martha put her arm around Alexis. "You know, when you truly love someone, you want what's best for them, even when it's not what's best for you."

Alexis shrugged, not completely convinced. "I just want you to be happy, Dad."

"I know. Don't worry. I'll be fine."

She gave him a kiss on the cheek and went into the kitchen to finish dinner.

"So work was really okay today?" she asked after Alexis left the room. She knew that her son worried about upsetting her and might not be as forthcoming when she was there.

"No. It was horrible. Spending the day working side by side with her, knowing that we're over, was awful. I kept going over everything in my head, wondering if I could have done or said something differently that would have made a difference. You know, I was telling the truth when I said that I want her to be okay, but a small part of me thinks like Alexis. It bothers me to see her go on like nothing ever happened."

She nodded, understanding how he would feel that way.

"Listen, I had a long day. I think I'm going to turn in early."

"But Alexis is making dinner. It's your favorite."

"I'm not really hungry. Goodnight."

"Goodnight." Martha watched him go up the stairs, her heart breaking for him. Although she didn't tell him, she was also very worried about Kate. She may not have been ready to deal with it, but Martha knew that she had strong feelings for her son. If she was acting like nothing had happened, it was just that- acting. She was surprised that he hadn't recognized it for what it was. He knew more than anyone how good she was at burying her feelings. She had almost pointed it out to him, but thought that it might make things worse. He didn't need to worry about Kate's pain while he was dealing with his own.

RYAN and Esposito both showed up early for the work the next day to talk about the situation between Castle and Beckett.

"So, what do you think happened?" Ryan asked Esposito.

"You got me. Must have been something pretty big though. They're not even fighting."

"What did Lanie say about it?"

"She hasn't told me anything. I don't think she's talked to her yet, but I'm not sure. The whole best friend thing trumps the boyfriend thing when it comes to something like this. If Beckett told her not to talk to me about it, she won't."

"Really? And you let her get away with that?" Ryan said smiling.

"Yeah, well you know how it is. It doesn't hurt to let her think she's in control once in a while, right?"

Ryan laughed. "If you say so."

"Hey, Beckett!," Esposito said loudly in order to alert Ryan that she had walked in. He didn't want to be caught talking about her.

"Hey Esposito. Got anything new for us?"

"Yeah. Check this out. Our vic, he had an alias."

"Meet Mr. Charles Davis," Ryan added, posting a picture of him on the white board.

"An alias?" asked Castle as he walked up and joined the group.

"What do we know about him?" Beckett asked.

Esposito filled them in on what he had learned about the victim's other life. Before they could begin to speculate on how this may have led to his murder, Ryan left and went over to his desk.

"Hey Esposito," he called. "Come here for a minute. I want to show you what I found on that other lead."

"What other lead?" Epsosito asked, confused. He didn't know about another lead.

"You know, that other lead," Ryan said, motioning for him to come over. Suddenly Esposito realized that Ryan just wanted to get him over so Castle and Beckett could be alone.

"Oh that other lead. Got it." He smiled at and walked over to Ryan where they pretended to focus on the computer screen in front of them and not on the couple that suddenly found themselves alone.

"Hey," Castle finally said after several moments of silence.

"Hey."

"You okay?"

"Yep. I'm fine. You?"

"I've been better." More silence. "So this is weird, huh?"

She nodded, although weird wasn't the word she would have chosen. She would have chosen awkward. Uncomfortable. Painful.

"You know, I never meant to-"

"You know what,Castle? It's over. I think it's best if we just leave it alone."

"Sure. No problem," he said tersely.

"Good. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to use the bathroom." She quickly moved passed him and headed to the bathroom.

When Ryan and Esposito saw her walk away, they joined Castle at the board.

"Everything okay?" Esposito asked.

"Sure. Everything's just fine," he replied.

"Are you sure? Because we're here for you if you want to talk," Ryan added.

Castle looked at them through narrowed eyes. Finally he smiled, shaking his head.

"How long have you known?"

"Pretty much the whole time."

"It was pretty obvious, Bro. At least to us."

"Yeah. It was just a matter of time before you got together. We were just waiting for you two to figure it out."

"So spill. What happened?"

He started to tell them, but stopped. Even though he and Kate were over, he knew she wouldn't want him talking about it to them.

"I'd rather not talk about. But thanks. I appreciate the thought. Really."

Before they could say anything else, Beckett came back and joined them. They immediately jumped right back into working on the case.

Several long hours later, both Castle and Beckett left feeling the strain of another day spent pretending things were okay, when they clearly were not.

As soon as she left the station, Beckett pulled out her cell phone and dialed. "Lanie? Are you busy?"