A Time to Heal
Chapter 14
"You left me, Castle."
ONCE again, Kate found herself standing outside of a closed door, nervously preparing to knock. Unlike yesterday, when her decision to go to Castle's loft to talk to him was on the spur of the moment, she had had a lot of time to think; both last night and on the long drive to his place in the Hamptons. She had spent that time trying to be objective about what had gone wrong with their relationship and her role in it. She had thought that all of the extra driving time would have given her more time to worry, but instead it had made her more resolved than ever to make things right. No way was she letting Castle quit and she was also going to do everything she could to convince him that they could still be friends. They were friends before, and she knew that they could find their way back there if they tried. She just had to convince him that friendship was better than nothing, not an easy task when she was still trying to convince herself. But as hard as giving up the romantic part of their relationship was, she couldn't see any way around it. She had tried, and it hadn't worked. She couldn't be mad at him, but his walking away from her had made her more determined than ever not to let him, or anyone get that close again.
With her goals firmly in mind, she quietly knocked on the door. When no one answered, she knocked harder.
Inside, Castle was sitting at his desk unsuccessfully attempting to finish the latest chapter of his book when he heard the first tentative knock at the door. Not wanting to be bothered, he ignored it. When the second, louder knock came, he sighed in frustration and went to the door. He opened it and froze when he found Kate standing there.
"Kate?" he asked, as if he couldn't trust what he was seeing.
"Um.. can I come in?" she asked when he just continued to look at her.
"Oh, yeah," he said snapping out of his shocked state and moving aside so she could walk past him.
She stepped in and looked around. "This is nice. And right by the beach. I can see why your family loves coming here."
He looked at her, confused. "Kate, what are you doing here?"
She smiled at his choice of words, seeing as she had just heard the same ones from his mother and daughter less than 24 hours ago.
"Well, no one has heard from you for days. You're mother was worried about you and asked me to come check on you."
"My mother called you?"
"No. I, uh, went to your place to talk to you but you weren't there. Of course you weren't there, you were here." She stopped, and bit her lip, aware that she was babbling. "She told me that she hadn't heard from you and was worried that something had happened to you. So she asked me if I would come and check on you. So here I am."
If possible, he looked even more confused. His mother? It only took a second for him to realize what had happened. He laughed out loud.
"It's not funny. She was really upset."
"I hate to tell you this, but you were tricked. I have talked to her or Alexis everyday since I've been here."
Now it was her turn to be confused. "What? Why would she do that?"
"Why do you think? My guess is that she wanted to get us here together so we could talk. By the way, what did you want?"
"What?" she asked, thrown by his change of subject.
"You said you showed up at my place yesterday. What did you want?"
"Oh. I..did you get the Captain's message? She said if-"
"If she doesn't hear from me by Monday, I'm fired. Yep. I got the message."
"What about my messages? You know, if you didn't want to talk to me, I wish you would just say so, not ignore my calls."
He did want to talk to her, that was the problem. "I told you when I left, I needed some time to think. I wanted to work things out for myself before talking to you."
She nodded. "Can we sit down?"
He looked surprised that they were still standing near the door. "Sure. The living room is this way."
He led them into the living room and they sat down on the couch.
She sat, looking down at her hands, which were clasped nervously in her lap. She was hoping that she could find the right words now that the time had come to actually say them.
"You know, I tried to talk to you last week, but you left before I could. I wanted you to know that I've done a lot of thinking and that I realize that you were right. I was happy with the way things were. I also realize how hard you tried to make things work with us." She looked up into his eyes briefly, before letting them drop again. "I don't blame you for wanting more. You deserve to have that. But it can't be with me."
"Kate, I-"
"Let me finish." She knew if she didn't just say it all now, she wouldn't get it said
Surprisingly, so far it wasn't as hard as she had thought it was going to be. She had been able to talk to him as a friend before. When they had become more than friends, the emotional stakes had gone way up and with it her fear. Now that that part of their relationship was over, it was a little easier.
"I want... no I need you to know that I tried. I really did. You don't know how badly I wanted it to work. Since you left my place last week, I've had a lot of time to think about what has been holding me back and it comes back to control. Control and trust."
She got up and started walking around. He followed her with his eyes. "I told you that when my mom died, my dad became an alcoholic. I didn't tell you how bad things were. He started drinking before the autopsy was even finished and didn't stop for a long time. I had to pick out the casket alone. I had to plan the service alone. I was only 19. I know that technically 19 is an adult, but I can tell you, I still felt like a kid."
Castle thought about how close Alexis was to 19 and the idea of her being alone to plan his funeral was enough to make him feel sick.
"I needed my dad to be there for me, but he wasn't. I had to be there for him. If he saw me cry, he grabbed the bottle. So I didn't cry. He put all of her pictures away, all of her clothes. Soon there was nothing left except the things I had hidden away. It was like she had never even existed. It was bad enough to lose my mom, but I lost my dad too. I never understood how he could do that. Just leave me to deal with everything."
As she walked, she mostly looked down at the floor, but occasionally looked up at him. When she did, he saw anger, but her tone was very calm and steady. So much so that it bothered him, but he wasn't sure why.
"So basically after my mother died, I spent the next year pretending not to hurt, not to care that her belongings were gone, that her pictures were gone. I learned that it was easier to hide it when I was around my father, because that was what he needed me to be. Then when I start investigating her murder, I became like the detective I am now. In control. Driven. Angry? Hell yeah. Angry was okay. But everything else had no place in the investigation. Anyway, my dad and I, we're okay now. But his leaving me like that, it left a lasting mark on our relationship. If you can't trust your own father, who can you trust?"
She was all over the place, her sentences all jumbling together. Before he could even think of how to answer, she said, "See. Control and trust. Makes sense, don't you think?"
The way she asked the question was casual, and her tone was as if she was asking him what he wanted for lunch, not even hinting at the seriousness of the conversation. It was almost as if she were talking about someone else. It suddenly occurred to him what was bothering him so much about this whole conversation. She was putting together pieces like she did on the murder board. He had seen her do it dozens of times and it looked just like this. She was always able to disassociate herself, discussing the victims without emotion even when their pictures were plastered all over the board, both when they were alive and their murder pictures. She was talking, but her feelings were no where near the surface.
"Yeah, I think it does make sense. You had to control yourself in front of your father. No tears, no reminiscing over photo albums, no comforting hugs from your dad. I get it. I'm sure you know though, that he didn't do it on purpose. I know he would have been there for you if he could." She didn't respond to that, but he could tell that she was thinking about it.
It did make sense, but he knew there had to be more to it for her to be as emotionally scarred as she was. He hoped he wouldn't regret it, but he felt that as long as she was talking about it, he would push as much as he could to figure it out. If they could figure out the problem, maybe she could get past it. Holding his breath, he asked a hard question. "Do you think that maybe deep down you feel that he didn't love you enough to stay sober and be there for you? And if you're own father didn't love you enough, how could anyone else?"
She looked at him strangely.
"What?"
"I don't know," she said frowning. "It just reminds me of something you said. That night when you came over. You were trying to talk me out of going after Lockwood, remember?"
How could he forget? She kept talking. "You said that if I wouldn't do it for myself, do it for Josh and for my father."
"Right. I remember."
"Later, after I was... shot, Alexis was so angry with me. Do you know what she told me at the hospital?" He knew this tone. She was putting together something in her head, but he had no clue what. Whatever it was, he could tell that it was bothering her. Bad. He tried to remember what Alexis had told him about their conversation.
"She told me that I could have walked away from the last case, but I wouldn't. She was mad because it almost got you killed. She was right. You were right. I should have walked away, but I didn't care enough about you, or my dad to stop."
She didn't sound calm now. In fact, she was starting to sound very agitated. What was she getting at? He didn't know, but her anxiety was starting to rub off on him.
"My mom had to have known that she was into something dangerous. Don't you think?"
"Yeah, I guess. Why?"
"She wanted to expose them. She made it a priority. She didn't back down. She wouldn't let it go." Then she looked at him with such sadness. "You told me I should let it go for those who loved me. Why wouldn't she let it go, Castle? Why didn't she love me enough to let it go!" As she said the last words, her voice broke, breaking his heart with it. She immediately slapped her hand over her mouth as if she had said something she shouldn't.
She stood up and walked away. Castle could see by the way her whole body was shaking that she was crying, but her hand over her mouth kept her from making a sound. He got up and went to her and pulled her into his arms. She pushed him away, hard. He wasn't expecting in and stumbled backwards. He stepped forward and grabbed her again. This time he was ready when she pushed him and held onto her arms gently, refusing to be pushed away. When she couldn't push him away, she started hitting at his chest trying to get him to let go. He didn't. Instead, he wrapped his arms completely around her, trapping her hands between their bodies. She held her body stiffly in his arms for a full minute, before she finally melted against him and sobbed. "Why, Castle? Why did she leave me?" she asked over and over, with her face buried in his chest. He didn't answer, he just held her tight, rubbing her back and whispering that she was okay until he finally felt her body calm and her sobs stop. He still didn't let go, until she gently pushed away from him. He took her hand and pulled her over to the couch. When she sat down, he reached over and lifted her chin, tilting her face up so he could see her. Her cheeks were wet from her tears, and he gently wiped them away with his thumbs before he leaned over and kissed her. She kissed him back before firmly pushing him away.
"Don't Castle. We can't do this."
"What do you mean? Kate, don't you realize what just happened? You let me in. You didn't walk away, you didn't hide your feelings from me. There's no reason for us to-"
"Stop. Listen, I came her because I don't want you to lose your job. Especially not because of me. And because I want us to be friends. I need us to be friends, Castle. But that's it."
"Are you telling me that nothing has changed? After all of this?"
"All I know, is that when I couldn't talk to you, you left. It's not your fault, I'm not mad, but you left me, Castle." Her voice broke again as she said this. "You didn't just break up with me, you threw away our friendship and you walked out. I can't go through life worrying that every time I don't meet your expectations, you might leave. I just can't."
"You don't understand. There's-"
"My mother left me, my dad left me, and you left me. There's no trust left. I can't be with someone I don't trust." Worried that she was going to start crying again, she quickly got up and walked to the door. He followed her, trying to talk to her, but she wasn't listening.
As she walked out the door, he yelled "Kate, wait. I need to tell you something!" She stopped briefly, but didn't look back.
She had only driven a couple of miles before she had to pull over, because she couldn't see the road through her tears. She sat there crying for several minutes before she was able to pull herself together enough to resume the trip. Three long hours later, she finally pulled into the parking lot of her apartment.
She opened the door and went straight to the kitchen. She needed a beer badly. She threw her purse on the counter, knocking over a large stack of mail. "Dammit!" she yelled, frustrated at the mess she had just made. She had been so preoccupied with this whole thing with Castle that she hadn't checked her mail in days, instead, she just kept adding it to the growing pile. Tempted to leave it until morning, she reluctantly picked it all up. Just as she turned to open the refrigerator, one piece of mail caught her eye. She picked it up. The return address only said one word. CASTLE. Confused, she looked and saw that it was post-marked one day ago. It slowly sank in that he had written her a letter before she had gone to see him. Forgetting her beer, she slowly walked over to the couch and sat down with the letter in her lap. With shaking hands, she tore open the envelope and slid the letter out. She began reading out loud. "Dear Kate,"