A Time to Heal

Chapter 15

Always

SHE put the letter down briefly and closed her eyes. She was emotionally tired and didn't know if she was up to reading a letter from him at the moment. In the end, she knew she couldn't stand not knowing what it said. She picked the letter back up and began to read.

Dear Kate,

I don't know how to even start this letter. I have so much that I want to say and make you understand. You would think that as a writer it would be easy for me to put my feelings in writing, but in reality, it is harder than any novel I've ever written.

I want to start off by telling you that I hate the way things ended with us. I need you to know that when I came to your apartment to talk to you, I never intended for this to happen. I was just so hurt and angry that you kept shutting me out, that our relationship was stuck with no indication that it was going to develop into anything more. I was desperate to say or do something, anything, to make you take us seriously and push you out of your comfort zone. When you took it as an ultimatum, I didn't know what to do. The last thing I wanted to was to lose you, but I knew that I couldn't go on the way we were. Maybe it was unfair of me, I don't know. I do know that we can't always control what we want, what we feel. If we could things would be so much easier, wouldn't they?

Maybe it will help you understand if I tell you that I have known for a long time that you were who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I really wanted to be your 'One and Done.' I knew that you didn't feel the same way, but I had hoped that one day you would realize that you wanted that too.

I also want you to know that I'm glad that I tried, even if it didn't work- I don't think I could have lived with myself if I hadn't even tried. I don't regret a minute of the time we spent together. The only regret I have is that in the end I made you think that you can't trust me. That was the last thing you said to me when I left your apartment that night, and it was probably the thing that hurt most in all of this, losing your trust. I once told you that I would be there for you, always. That hasn't changed. What we had before, partner and friend, may not have been what I had hoped for, had planned on, but it was real and it meant a lot to me.

I felt like I had to leave because coming to work every day with both of us so obviously miserable was not working, and I didn't know how to make it better. I thought that putting some distance between us while I tried to figure it out might help. I think it did, at least on my end. It has given me the time I needed to think about everything and where I want to go from here.

I used this time to regroup and allow myself to come to terms with the fact that things were not going to turn out the way I planned. I couldn't be there for you until I did that. If this week away has shown me anything, it's that I haven't stopped caring about you just because it didn't work out with us. I hope that when you get past the anger and the pain, you will see that I'm still here for you if you need me.

Always,

Castle

CASTLE slowly walked into the station early the next morning. He had called the Captain right after Kate had walked out and told her that he was coming back. She had read him the riot act, but in the end allowed him to keep his job. He felt nervous, having no idea what Kate's reaction would be when she came in and found him there.

It was obvious that she hadn't yet gotten his letter when she showed up at his place in the Hamptons. He had been so surprised when she had appeared unexpectedly on his doorstep that it didn't even entered his mind to ask about it. Everything happened so fast after that. One minute she was crying in his arms, trying to deal with her feeling's about her mother's abandonment, and the next she was running out the door.

Was the letter there when she got home? Was it lost in the mail? He hoped not. That letter did what she wouldn't let him do, really tell her how he felt. He didn't have to worry about her walking away, or changing the subject. He thought it was ironic that he had written her a letter that focused on trust, when that had been the very thing holding her back last night. Would it make a difference? He told himself that he hoped it would allow them to get their friendship back. He wouldn't even allow himself to hope for more.

His thoughts were interrupted when he heard his name called loudly from across the room. He smiled when he saw Esposito and Ryan walking up, obviously excited to have him back. It wasn't long before other members of the force came in and joined them. He had to admit it felt really good to be welcomed back so exuberantly. He had missed being a part of all of this. They were all in the middle of catching up, when he glanced over and saw Kate walk in. He excused himself and walked towards her. She stopped when she saw him. He searched her face, but couldn't tell at all what she was thinking.

Not intending to spend another day like the ones before he left, he was determined to talk to her and clear the air. "Kate, can I talk to you for a minute in my-"

His sentence was cut short when she ran and launched herself into his arms, almost knocking him over. Surprised, he closed his arms around her returning her hug. They stood that way, just holding each other for several seconds before he felt her tense up. He looked and saw that she was staring over his shoulder, becoming aware of the small group of on-lookers. Knowing how uncomfortable she would be with everyone watching her, he let her go and took several steps backwards. She looked at him with a frown on her face.

She slowly walked towards him, until they were almost touching, and said, "What's the matter, Castle? Embarrassed to be seen with me?" She smiled at the puzzled look on his face then wrapped her arms around his neck. Her smile faded as they stood staring into each others eyes, both of them aware of the importance of this moment. Everyone in the room seemed to hold their collective breath as she slowly leaned forward and kissed him.

After a moment of silence, the room erupted with whistles and clapping. It wasn't until they heard Esposito yell, "Yo, Beckett, let the man up for some air!" that they finally pulled apart.

Although she was slightly embarrassed at all of the attention, she had to laugh when she saw Castle glaring at Esposito. "Alright," she said, trying to regain some control of the situation. "Show's over. Let's get back to work." Everyone slowly dispersed, reluctantly going back to their duties. She sat down at her desk and pulled out a file. Castle slowly walked to his office, although he doubted if he was going to be able to concentrate at all on his work.

An hour later, he was sitting at his computer trying hard to focus. As he had feared, he hadn't gotten a single bit of work done. He was deep in thought and jumped when he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. He pulled it out and smiled when he saw that it was a text from Kate.

Beckett: I think we should go on a date. Dinner at my place? 6:00.

Before he could respond, it vibrated again. He grinned when he saw the second message.

Beckett: BTW wear something hot ;)

LATER that evening, Kate was pacing nervously in her apartment, waiting for Castle to arrive. She knew that this night was going to be either the beginning or the end of everything with them. Kissing him in front of everyone and then inviting him to dinner had sent him the message that she was ready to be in this relationship. All the way in, no foot out the door. If she pushed him away now, he would be so angry and hurt that he might not be able to get over it, even enough to be her friend. She wouldn't blame him one bit.

His letter, which she knew was intended to reassure her, had instead scared her. She knew that he cared about her deeply, but talking about them in terms of growing old together and being her "One and done" was overwhelming. Even scarier was that he had made it very clear that she could trust him. She had let herself fall apart in front of him and allowed him to witness her intense pain about her mother, pain that she didn't even know she had. She had really opened up to him. It had been easier because she had already decided that they were over, since he had left her, breaking her trust. After eading that letter though, she now knew that she could trust him. That scared her because it was the only thing holding them back. She didn't have anything left to hide behind. It left her with a big decision to make. Take the chance and go for it? Or settle for being his best friend, which was safer. But did she want safe?

The choice was hers to make. It was so important that she had decided that the best thing to do was give it time and make sure she made the right one. She hadn't been even close to making it when she had walked into the 12th that morning, and looked up to see him standing there. She hadn't thought twice about going to him. It had just happened. The minute she felt his arms around her, she knew that her heart had made the decision that her head was afraid to make. She had felt so incredibly happy at that point that she made the impulsive decision to invite him over. At the time, it seemed like a great idea. Who was she kidding. A half an hour ago it seemed like a great idea. Now, though, she wasn't so sure. Her stomach was in knots and she was fighting off a panic attack. She just hoped she wouldn't disappoint them both. She looked down at her outfit and almost wished she had time to change. What she had chosen to wear before her case of cold feel left no doubt about her commitment to their relationship. 'Too late now anyway,' she thought as she heard the knock on the door.

AT six o'clock sharp, Castle was standing outside of Kate's apartment preparing to knock. He had been a nervous wreck all day. Despite the fact that she had kissed him senseless right there in the station in front of everyone, he was afraid to jump to any conclusions about their relationship. He didn't know if he would be able to handle any more disappointments when it came to Kate. He planned on taking things one step at a time and try not to have too many expectations.

He hadn't even finished knocking when the door opened. He smiled when he saw Kate standing there, looking every bit as nervous as he felt. She stepped back so he could come in.

He felt his throat go dry when he saw what she had on. It had taken a second for it to register that she was wearing his shirt. The one he had let her wear the night she had eaten dinner at his loft. Only now, she had left the top three buttons open, and he could see the angry, red line of her scar just peeking out. He had to turn away so she wouldn't see the look on his face. He wasn't even able to process what this meant for them, because seeing that scar brought back that horrible memory of her lying on the ground, bleeding. Taking a deep breath, he turned back around, but kept his eyes focused on her face. He forced a smile and walked in. He handed her the bottle he was holding. "Here. I brought wine."

"Thanks. Let me get some glasses. Dinner isn't quite ready."

He went and sat down on the couch and she joined him a minute later with a couple of glasses. He poured them each some wine. They sat in silence, not knowing exactly what say to each other. He hated the awkward feeling and was anxious to find something to talk about. Looking around the room, his eyes landed on her Richard Castle collection.

She saw him looking and smiled. She knew that he loved the fact that she had all of his books. "I can't believe I'm telling you this, but I once stood in line for over an hour at a book store to get you to sign one of your books?"

He did, of course, know that she had a signed copy of his book, but he was surprised to learn that she had stood in line for so long to get it. He had signed hundreds of books at dozens of stores, but he still somehow felt like he should have remembered her. He started to make a joke about her being an obsessed fan when he noticed that she had gotten very serious.

"You know," she said quietly, "When my mother died, and my dad was...sick, I spent weeks reading your books. I could lose myself for hours at a time, not having to think at all about the stuff going on around me. I think I was half way in love with you back then." She felt herself blush as she realized what she had just said.

"Do you think that Alexis and I are close?" he asked her. She looked at him, clearly confused at the abrupt change in the conversation.

"Of course. She adores you and it's clear that you feel the same way about her."

"I do. She means everything to me. I would do anything for her. I would give my life for hers without a second thought. I would say that this city is full of parents who have dangerous jobs who have children they would die for, don't you? Police officers, fire fighters, parents in the military."

"Yeah, of course. What are you getting at Castle?"

"I just want to show you that just because your mom was pursuing a dangerous group of men, didn't mean she didn't love you. I didn't know your mom, but from the way you have talked about her and your relationship with her, I know that she would never have left you if she had the choice. You know that, right?" For some reason, it was very important to him that she knew that about her mother.

She slowly nodded. "I do know that. Here," she said, pointing at her head. "But it's harder knowing it in here," she added pointing to her heart. As she did, her finger grazed her scar. Again, she saw him look away. She was surprised that he hadn't made a comment about her scar, and couldn't help but notice that he was avoiding even looking at it. She wondered if it bothered him. The thought hurt and she had to fight the sudden urge to button her shirt up. They both jumped when the timer went off, alerting them to the fact that dinner was ready.

He followed her to the kitchen and sniffed appreciatively as she pulled out a pan of lasagna from the oven. "It smells delicious. Can I help with anything?"

"Sure. Why don't you grab the salad out of the fridge."

He grabbed it and set it on the counter next to the lasagna just as she was putting out a loaf of garlic bread.

"That was really great," he told her twenty minutes later as they cleared the table.

"Thanks. It was my mom's recipe. It was one of the first things she taught me how to cook."

He smiled, "Well she obviously was a good teacher, because it was fantastic."

She watched him closely, wondering if it would sink in about her being a good cook. She saw the second that it did. His eyes narrowed suspiciously. "Wait a minute. I thought you couldn't cook?" He thought back to the night she had dinner at his place and the fact that she needed help to peel the carrots. "You couldn't even make a salad when-" He stopped when he saw the sparkle in her eye and realized that he had been had.

"Really, Castle? You believed that I couldn't even peel a carrot? I guess you don't remember everything about me." He looked at her curiously. "Don't you remember when I stayed with you after my apartment was blown up?"

He thought back. He remembered her making breakfast and her comment that her mom was a great cook and had taught her. How had he forgotten that about her?

He smiled wickedly. "Of course I remembered that. I knew you were just playing me. I just went along with it so you wouldn't feel bad."

"Yeah, right. Just admit it. I tricked you."

She walked towards him. He crossed his arms and shook his head stubbornly. "Nope." She looked at him and suddenly smiled. She knew how to get him to admit it. Grinning, she reached out and tickled his sides. To her delight, he responded by shrieking and pulling away. Apparently Castle was very ticklish. She followed him when he stepped back, tickling him again. He tried to evade her hands, but he was laughing too hard, and she was enjoying his reaction too much to stop.

She was laughing almost as hard as he was, just watching him. That was her downfall. Before she knew what was happening, he had grabbed her wrists and stopped her. Seeing the grin on his face, she knew that she was in trouble. "Castle, don't. I mean it!" She tried to back away, but before she could, he was tickling her while she struggled helplessly to get away, begging him to stop even as she laughed uncontrollably.

He watched her laughing and felt his heart swell. He couldn't recall ever seeing her really let go and laugh like this. She seemed so happy and he loved that he was the one who had made her feel that way. He made himself a promise right then that he would spend the rest of his life finding ways to make her laugh.

He finally took pity on her and stopped the tickling as they collapsed on the couch, breathless. She snuggled up next to him and he put his arm around her.

He started playing with her hair and marveled at the fact that they were cuddling together on the couch when just a week ago they weren't sure if they could even find a way to be friends. It hadn't escaped his notice that they hadn't talked at all about their relationship or the letter he had written. The familiar feeling was back. The one that he felt when he wanted to talk to her but was afraid to, in case it pushed her away. He sat there trying to decide what to do and couldn't help but feel frustrated by the fact that he was right back where he started. Before he could make up his mind, she started talking.

"Do you believe this? If you would have told me a few days ago that we would be here, together, I never would have believed it."

"Weird. I was just thinking that exact same thing."

"Really? We do that a lot, don't we?"

She was right. When they were working on a case, it was uncanny how alike they thought. It was what made building theory with her so fun. The guys even teased them about how they finished each others sentences.

"I guess it's what makes us such a good team."

He took a deep breath and said, "So, I guess this means you got my letter?"

She didn't answer, but she didn't pull away. He remembered the advice his mother and Alexis had given him about just waiting, giving her time to answer. They sat there silently for what seemed like forever, before she finally responded.

"Yeah. It was here when I got back. It was hard to read."

"Why?"

"I don't know. Just seeing how hard this has been for you, how my problems have hurt you."

He knew that she never meant to hurt him. That's what made all of this so difficult. It's also what kept him from walking away. But intentional or not, he couldn't go through this again.

"I need to know that you are in this, Kate. All the way. I don't know if we can survive another -"

She put her fingers against his mouth, stopping him. He searched her eyes and was satisfied with what he saw there. She leaned in and kissed him. He held her face in his hands as he kissed her back. As their kiss deepened, he was surprised when he felt her fingers on his chest, unbuttoning his shirt. He let his hands drift downward to do the same. When his fingers brushed against her scar, they both froze.

She started to button her shirt. "The doctor says it will fade, but..."

He took her hands before she could button them. Did she really think that he cared about how her scar looked? "Kate, look at me." He waited until she finally did. "It's not that. It's just... when I see it, I remember that day at the cemetary. How close I came to losing you."

She didn't look convinced. Keeping his eyes on hers, he gently undid two more buttons, completely baring her scar. He slowly traced the raised line with his finger, causing her to shiver. "Everything about you is beautiful to me, Kate. Everything." The last was said with his mouth against hers as he kissed her again and again. He inhaled sharply when he felt her warm, soft hands find their way inside his shirt gently resting on his chest. Encouraged, he let his hands slip up under her shirt to explore her bare belly. As soon as he made contact, however, she suddenly pulled away and stood up. He looked at her and saw tears glittering in her eyes. With his elbows resting on his knees, he buried his face in his hands.

He tried to suppress the disappointment he felt, telling himself that he should be grateful that they had made as much progress as they had. And he was. They had come a long way in one evening and he felt that they had a real chance. He could be happy with that. For now.

With his emotions under control, he finally looked up to reassure her that it was okay. What he saw took his breath away. She was standing there, with her arm outstretched toward him with her open hand. His own hand was shaking when he took it and let her pull him up off of the couch. She laced her fingers with his and led him to her bedroom. When they got to the doorway, he stopped. As badly as he wanted to take this next step in their relationship, he had to know that she was ready. He didn't want any doubts. Any regrets.

When he stopped, she knew exactly what he was thinking. If she wasn't sure that this was what she wanted before, his willingness to put her needs ahead of his own would have caused her to be sure. She looked into his eyes. "I'm in this Castle. All the way. Always."

She stepped forward and kissed him gently. Without breaking contact, they walked through the doorway together, shutting the door on their old life, ready to start their new one.

The End