Remember me? Okay so I know you probably hate me right now, right? I'm sorry I left, I promise I'll sleep on the sofa for as long as you want.
Seriously though guys life's been pretty busy, I look at the last update though and see it was from 2010 and I feel awful, you'll probably have to go back and read a lot of this again to even remember what it is about ;_;
I've changed a lot since those last chapters, I'll be heading to university in a month and generally I'm not who I was, though, my aims for this story haven't changed and I hope I'm better at writing now than then. Hopefully this chapter wont sound too much different as truth be told, it's been on my computer in this state since last year but I never had the heart to post becuse I thought it wasn't good enough or was too short etc
I'm not going to say 'yeah I'm back on track and the next chapter will be out next week' becuase I said that last time and here we are a year later "ORZ but I promise no matter how long it takes this story WILL get finished. I don't even know if you guys care about this any more, does anybody still read this?
So yeah, just remember I will finish this even if it takes time, life can be difficult.
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No matter what, a father is a father
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This was not the first time this week that this had happened.
Sakura lay in bed, stomach queasy while she nursed it with clammy hands, willing her insides to stay where they were. It was five am, still dark, the room was silent aside from the clock ticking on the wall and she concentrated on the noise. It distracted her from the acids in her abdomen swirling around if she just focused on the small, tick, tick, ticking from across the room and her husband's gentle snores. She sat up, trying to get comfy as the room began swirling, still caressing her abused tummy wistfully.
It lasted on and off for ten minutes before she was up and running to the bathroom, heaving once or twice before throwing up in the toilet bowl. She hated puking, she saw enough of it, being a doctor, but when it actually happened to her it was different.
Disgusting.
She pulled some tissue off the roll and wiped her mouth with it, grimacing at the trails of mucus clinging between her lips and the papery material. She located the glass that had taken up residence by the sink and filled it, spitting the acidic contents of her mouth into the basin before sipping the cool substance. It tasted like chemicals but it was better than the sour burning feeling clogging up her oesophagus before.
Her stomach ached dully as she leaned over the flush the toilet and rid the bathroom of the smell. She'd gotten used to it in the hospital but that didn't make it any more pleasant in her own home. It reminded her of the feeling of vomiting and that was all but unbearable.
Warm hands brought themselves around the back of her neck and gently pulled her sweaty hair out of her eyes. She smiled at the gesture, her husband was good to her, never giving her reason to be angry, always looking out for her.
"This is your fault." She joked weakly, throat feeling like sandpaper. She sipped more water.
"I'm sorry." Her husband's voice was genuine and she flinched at its apologetic tone, leaning back into the speakers arms.
"I was kidding Lee, this is nothing, it's worth it, I should be thanking you." She insisted, placing a small kiss to his temples in apology, content when he smiled and caressed her burning abdomen with feather-like touches.
You never gave up on me.
"I'm getting a shower; I'm not working today anyway." She tried to move to start the shower up but Lee reached over her and turned it on before leaning back to stroke her hair again. She closed her green eyes at the relaxing feeling it brought her.
She had always been strong and fierce for a girl but he was taller, harder, he had wide warm hands and a secure protective heart. She always allowed herself to feel small and dainty in his arms, not having to be the strong one for a change.
"You rest today." He told her and she laughed lightly as he peeled her out of her clammy nightie.
"I have a check-up and then I'm going to see Sasuke and Naruto. I doubt I'll get any rest with those two. I wonder what crisis their having this time?"
Lee laughed too, pulling his T-shirt off. It was early, earlier than he'd usually get up due to Sakura's sickness. He had time to waste and he loved to spend time with his wife.
She fussed when he kissed a soft trail down her neck, telling him she looked like hell. "Don't be silly." He told her, studying her accusation. She had slightly damp hair, a flushed face, peach skin covered with a couple of stretch marks on her thighs, shining in the bathroom lights, a slightly rounded tummy with an outy bellybutton and vibrant green eyes. She was human, perfect, his.
Home.
"You're beautiful." He told her. Sure, in a little black dress she was sexy but he loved her equally in a pair of old shorts and one of his oversized T-shirts with a headband in on a Sunday morning. He liked her best when she was herself.
The shower was soothing as Sakura stepped in accompanied by Lee who held her gently as the war water ran over them. Instantly her muscles began relaxing, the tense knots undoing themselves as his heartbeat flooded in through his ribcage and her ears. She wished they could stay here forever, holding each other in nothing but the bodies they were born in - before the chaos of the day began. Worry always floated around on the edges of her mind when the day began. Lee was brilliant at his job on the police force. He was a hard worker, he'd put many horrible people in prison, she was proud of him.
You could get hurt.
It was her only worry. Especially now. She treated many of the police force in the hospital and was friends with every one of them. In some random way, all of the people in her life were connected and nothing hurt more than having to see her friends hurt. Every time she treated Kakashi or Gaara she wondered if Lee would be the one on the hospital bed next, or worse, in the operating theatre.
She often treated him with minor injuries but they were more from his other hobby come job in life at the martial arts school his guardian ran with him. Ever since she'd see Haku and Zabuza breathe their last in front of her though it became harder for her to let Lee go to his main place of work. She had to though, for him, she would never hold him back from anything he loved to do and all he loved doing was keeping people safe.
Like me.
"Be careful today, Lee."
I can't lose you.
As if he heard her afterthought, the man pulled her closer to him, massaging her back muscles with his large hands to ease her tension. She smiled into his chest. "I love you."
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Sasuke's eyes hurt.
This was the fourth, fifth, sixth hour? He'd lost count of the time but for an irrational amount of time he'd been sitting at the computer. The brightness of the screen was causing a sharp throbbing pain somewhere behind his eyeballs. He could almost feel the radiation setting it.
Naruto had been in twice and Sasuke could sense he was moody. It had been a week since the job interview and the blonde was losing patience fast, it didn't help that for the same week he'd been waiting for the phone call, Sasuke had been locked in his office doing what he was doing right now.
Hacking into the National Police records.
It was easy, for a genius, thankfully something Sasuke had been born into. It was only a moderate challenge to acquire access to private information and keep himself untraceable. He grimaced as he realised how easy it would be for a genius to be a criminal or a hero. His brother had gone down the wrong path and here he was trying to make up for it. The stuff he hacked for was the kind of information usually kept out of the public eye, deemed too dangerous or upsetting for people to know. The sort of thing you were kept out of for your own peace of mind. Sasuke didn't feel at peace of mind. He didn't know enough.
He'd been tracking Akatsuki since he was a teenager and had figured out how to move on from hacking small businesses to larger ones. The first time he'd managed to get into the National Police records was a rush to him, finally able to find out everything that had happened with his family death and with his brother in the current days. It also gave him his share of depression and anxiety for a few weeks but after that it became his addiction. He tracked his brother day and night, swearing he'd get revenge on him, hoping he'd figure out something in all the unseen evidence that the police wouldn't. He felt powerful, knowledgeable, and confident he knew where his brother was and how close the police were to him. His frustration only came into place when they didn't know anything and therefore neither did he. When he sat down to eat dinner with Kakashi, he was certain he knew everything his guardian did.
It did make him slightly guilty betraying Kakashi and looking into records behind his back, however, Kakashi was forbidden to say anything that was kept in confidentiality and therefore Sasuke had to go behind his back. He had to know everything Kakashi did. He had to know he was safe.
He'd floated in and out of periods of hacking, sometimes the usual drill of normal life along with lack of Akatsuki activity distracted him from suck a task. He always cursed himself and became obsessive again after an Akatsuki event that nobody saw coming, he condemned himself, drilling it into his head that he should have seen it coming and thinking about how he could have prevented it had he learnt more. He became stuck to his computer again. Like now.
The events of last week had shaken him down to the very marrow inside his bones. The tiny potential even imagined sighting of his brother had snapped him. It had been so long. Before Haku and Zabuza the Akatsuki had not caused a disturbance in a long time. In that time Sasuke had published a multimillion selling manga series, able to work and live without the distraction in his life. Haku and Zabuza had been a shock, one that Sasuke again hated himself for. Just like before thoughts of 'why weren't you tracking them! You could have seen this coming!' flooded his mind. He blamed himself for such events, especially that one, which had upset his lover a lot. His own brother had caused that, one that still hadn't got the punishment he deserved. Somehow he knew that day a week ago hadn't been a coincidence, Naruto still told him he imagined it but he just had a horrible feeling deep down that it had been real.
He couldn't get distracted again, he had to prevent anything happening, he could sense something looming ever since Haku and Zabuza had died and he couldn't shake it away. If he kept tracking like he used to, then he felt he could prevent another attack on those close to him. He didn't want to see Naruto upset again, what mattered more than anything was that he protected his...family. The word still felt foreign on his tongue. After he'd gone through so much to finally achieve family again, it was precious and unlike before, this time he was confident he had to stop any harm coming to them.
When he heard the jangling of keys in the front door, he sighed. The baby, who had been lying comfortably in her woven basket beside him, squealed as she knew who it was. Sasuke lowered a hand and brushed her cheek gently; knowing Naruto or Sakura would come in to play with her in a few minutes. It was hard, doing what he did and keeping his family together. Each time Naruto tried to take him out or touch him too fondly he refused the administrations and put more strain on their relationship. The worried look in his lover's eyes was hard to ignore and so was the down heartened glance when the blonde mumbled he'd leave Sasuke to it and vacated his office to be alone again. What Sasuke was doing though, he felt would save them, so any little strains on the relationship would become insignificant in the end. Once he had something, anything, some kind of reassurance or lead on Akatsuki...then he could feel calmer and spend time with his family.
That was if he found good news and not bad.
He questioned the moment where his life had gotten so complicated.
When Itachi killed your family - that's when.
He fought off the sudden ache inside him and faced the computer again, one hand still playing with the baby's absentmindedly. He read. Clicked. Read. Clicked.
Outside the office, Sakura was observing her best friend's actions sceptically. From the behaviour she had seen from Naruto in her first two minutes of being in the house she knew something was bothering him. He was as see through as glass to her. Newly made, factory polished one hundred percent transparent glass. Not only could she see something was bothering him from the way he kept nervously scratching his neck or how he kept knocking into things and pacing but she could feel and hear it too. His frustrated expression practically screamed 'I'm going through a crisis! HELP ME!'
"Naruto." She got his attention quietly.
"Yes!" He answered a little too quickly as if she were accusing him of something he knew he was guilty of. He coughed into his fist and straightened out, attempting to look un-frustrated.
"What is up with you?" She asked bluntly, watching as he floundered for a few seconds, jaw bobbing like a fish before he laughed and shrugged the question off.
"Ah, nothing, nothing to worry about anyway, I'm fine!"
"Oh good." She said chirpily and stood from the sofa, crossing the distance between them and smacking him across the head.
"OW! The hell was that for!" He squealed, falling onto one of the sofas from the hit's force and nursing his cranium.
"Don't you dare lie to me Uzumaki! That little act you have going may work for idiots but not on me!" She scolded and ignored the pout he sent her. "For the little time I've been in here you've done nothing but pace and look towards Sasuke's office and fumble around like some terrified little kid on his first day of school! Do you seriously think I won't notice that! Are you TRYING to make me out to be a fool!" With each sentence she grew louder and took a step closer to him until he was pressing his back into the back of the couch with her fist inches from his face.
"No mam!" He squeaked, clinging to the chair for dear life before sighing in relief when she rolled her eyes and withdrew.
"Really Naruto you are an idiot sometimes...go and put the kettle on and we can talk it out. Oh and DON'T ever lie to me again!" She commanded and he gave a salute before stumbling towards the kitchen wondering what was making Sakura unusually crabby.
She made herself comfortable while the kettle boiled, looking at her surroundings and noting the living room was tidier than normal. She was playing with the fibres of her top when Naruto returned holding two mugs of tea, one of which he passed to her. She thanked him and left it on the coffee table to cool, Naruto did the same before flopping down next to her with a sigh that signalled he was giving up pretending he was okay.
"Sakura-Chan...does Lee ever..." He began and then frowned at himself as if he was annoyed at his own confusion. "Are there times when he's just...distant?" Blue eyes looked up questioningly, some unspoken next sentence lingering in them as if he were afraid to acknowledge it but hoped someone would notice. Sakura always did and she sighed heavily, wondering how to answer and giving her friend the chance to further explain. "Like, what if one day he won't talk to you or spend time with you...and you don't even know why...you wonder what you've done to upset him but you know really that you've done nothing and it's his problem but it just...how do you talk to him about it without making him angry? Is he ever angry?" For the majority of his fumbled sentences he'd been talking into his knees, almost as if to himself but at the last few questions he'd looked up again with that same unknown expression in his eyes. Sakura frowned empathetically, knowing he probably knew the answer to the question he wasn't really asking, however Naruto liked to hear things out loud.
"He is rarely like that with me." She answered simply. "There are times after he's gone through a horrible experience at work, that he comes home and he'd rather be alone until he'd ready for me to comfort him. A couple of times he's got angry when his work friends have died on duty and he's had to witness it, but that's only natural – death can cause people to act like they normally wouldn't."
Naruto took this information in and thought about it, he couldn't picture Lee getting angry or breaking things or raising his voice aggressively to Sakura. He could imagine Sasuke doing these things, at least before the baby.
"Something is happening with him." He stated quietly after a couple of seconds of silence, Sakura had been waiting for him to speak though he didn't seem to know how to continue. He looked like this conversation was painful to him, clutching round his legs protectively like he wanted to avoid carrying on but at the same time was desperate for some kind of resolve. He looked a lot more like the child Sakura used to know.
"What's happening with him, Naruto?" She made the decision for him, it was better to talk and get the painful part out of the way when problems started rather than avoiding it and having a harder time later.
"I don't know." He answered, voice breaking slightly as if he were crying but Sakura didn't think he was yet, she couldn't tell as his forehead was resting on his knee. "We've always had fights but they didn't mean anything but lately with his work and stuff...it's different from the other times...before the baby...I thought it was just a bad few weeks for him but now I look and it's like the start of something worse..." His fists clenched in frustration around his legs and his voice wavered as he tried to orally make sense of his thoughts. "Sometimes he's like he's always been but most of the time he's just...it's like he's a different person Sakura! It's different, I don't know why but it is, it feels different..."
"You're scared for him, for his health and your relationship." Sakura said gently, because he needed to acknowledge it aloud. She saw him nod into his knee, hearing a wet sniff and knowing he was crying now. She hated to see him so broken, she moved from her sofa and onto his smaller one, sitting beside him and touching his back reassuringly, her head on his shoulder. It always used to be the other way around, he had always been the person who gave her strength and reassured her. She was glad she was now strong and could do this for him. "A lot of things have happened lately." She whispered, no longer needing to talk any louder, rubbing circles into his back. "His job, your job, Haku and Zabuza, the baby, the Akatsuki..." She trailed off, wondering why life always had to be so hard on her two best friends. "People go through phases and rebounds and difficult times, all this stress at once...it can do funny things to people."
"Something happened last week." The blonde said tonelessly and Sakura asked what, not expecting the information. "When I went for my job interview I came back and he was..." He tensed and Sakura could tell this memory was painful for him. "He thought he'd seen his brother in the house...it was just him and the baby in...I told him that he was just seeing things but it's...it's done something to him!"
The body next to hers was shaking a little and she felt terrible for him, not realising the intensity of their relationship problems until now. She took his arms and pulled him into her body so she could cradle him in an embrace. He clung to her and tried not to sob into her collarbone, feeling stupid for crying so much. "He won't talk, he won't eat...he spends all day in his office but I'm sure he's not drawing and he won't tell me what he is doing...he looked depressed and broken and he won't hardly let the baby out of his sight but he won't look at me but he gets edgy if I try and leave the house or the living room..." He frantically talked, breathing in shudders as she got a picture of the past week of his life. "I don't know what to do!" He sobbed and she tightened her hold on him reassuringly.
"Naruto, nobody would know what to do, you don't need to have all the answers."
"I always know what to do with everyone...I always help people...why can't I do it with him? Why is it always so hard with him?" He asked, sounding far too old and weary for someone so young.
"It's always harder with the people you love." Sakura sighed, stroking his hair gently. "It sounds like he needs help, Naruto."
"He won't let me."
"Professional help, honey." She corrected herself, speaking gently so she didn't worry him with the term, the endearing tones did not stop him tensing in her arms.
"Is it...is he really that bad?" He sounded scared and Sakura knew he just wanted Sasuke to be okay, Naruto was selfless, as long as the people he cared about were well, he was happy.
"I don't know." She answered honestly. "It's hard with him because he'd been through so much, he's difficult to work out. It sounds like he's not coping at all but we should wait another week or two before deciding."
"I don't like this..." He said sadly and she inhaled deeply.
"Me neither."
"I just want him to be okay, I want him to love me again." The end of his sentence sounded choked and Sakura frowned.
"He does love you Naruto, it's part of the reason he's so difficult, he always looses the people he loves, he's terrified of losing you."
"He's stubborn." The blonde mumbled deadpan and Sakura laughed short and void of much genuine humour.
"He is. So are you though, it's why I'm here to stop you both being so stupid." She said and heard him grumble into her chest. "Sit up." She told him and after a groan the blonde moved, she held his hands tightly and told him to look at her. His face was wet and his eyes had the slightly haunted look to them that she really didn't like seeing. For Naruto to start losing hope was like the end of the world, of him. "He loves you." She said definitely. "He's hurting and he's confused and he's scared. He's never been good with his emotions and he doesn't know what to do with them, it's why you're here to teach him." She brought her hands up, still holding his and cupped his face with them. Naruto looked up at her and she again saw the small child he used to be. "You never give up Naruto, it's why he loves you, you never give up on him – don't start now. You're not alone in this, we're all here to help you and Sasuke."
"Do you really think he needs to see a doctor?" She could tell the thought of this scared him, it was like admitting there really was a serious problem.
"Probably." She sighed and forced him to keep his chin up as his face began to fall. "But, for now, we can help him ourselves. He needs you to love him, try to understand him. We'll do our best too and we can help push the silly fears out of his head and then maybe he won't need help."
Naruto nodded and she smiled. "We also need to help ourselves Naruto, don't ever think you're the one who has to solve everything. We can only help others if we help ourselves, don't keep your worries inside."
"Okay." He still looked a little uncertain and she frowned, letting go of his hands and hitting him lightly.
"Where's this fighting spirit of yours we all know and love!" She asked, faking annoyance, ruffling his hair to show she was just trying to cheer him. "Things will be okay Naruto." He nodded again, with a smile this time and she was satisfied. She reached for her tea and handed the blonde his while they drank in a comfortable quiet. "Honestly you two are such drama queens." Came her sigh, much to herself but she gave a wink to her friend as he looked at her sheepishly.
It was a few minutes later that Sakura finished her tea and asked where the baby was. Naruto informed with a slightly gloomy look that she was with Sasuke in his office and Sakura tutted, marching towards it and knocking on the door. "Sasuke let me in!" She ordered and smiled when the door opened partly to reveal a very tired and stressed looking man. Naruto sunk into the couch as if he were avoiding being spotted by his boyfriend who gave a glance in his direction, confirming Sakura's suspicions that Sasuke was as worried about Naruto as Naruto was about him. "Where's the child you have yet to name?" She asked and Sasuke narrowed his eyes slightly, opening the door more to reveal she was in his left arm, pulling at his T-shirt. When she saw Sakura she squealed, making her father jump and his friend laugh. Without warning she plucked the baby from his arms quickly and turned before she could see his reaction.
Naruto was the one to see, glancing up from underneath his hand and tensing when Sakura took the baby, anticipating some kind of cry or show of anger, upset, panic? He was taken aback a little when Sasuke did nothing at first, just stood with his eyes transfixed on Sakura's turning back and his arms hanging uselessly where the baby was before as if it hadn't yet registered. After a few seconds Sasuke went to move forward but seemed to think twice and stopped mid footstep, drawing back, before doing the same again as if he didn't know what to do. His expression held confusion and desperation and Naruto felt his heart clenching at the pain on his boyfriends face, the loss of life inside him, the emptiness in his eyes, the confusion in his stance. Sakura's words resounded in his head.
He needs help.
Naruto felt his eyes prickle and blinked furiously, burying his head under the pillow again so he didn't have to look at Sasuke anymore. This whole situation was pulling him in every direction.
He looked up again when a door banged and saw Sasuke had gone and the office door was shut again. Sakura looked worried and saddened, shaking her head remorsefully before bringing the baby over to Naruto and sitting with her. The subject of her name was mentioned and Naruto snorted, informing her that Sasuke probably didn't know his own name at the minute, let alone anybody else's. Sakura sighed and kissed the baby's head affectionately.
On the other side of the office door, Sasuke was shaking, having slid down it and scraped his back on the harsh wood, clutching his face angrily. He couldn't begin to make sense of the feelings inside him. Anger. He wanted to hurt somebody. Not necessarily Sakura, she didn't know any better. He just wanted somebody to hurt. He wanted to hurt himself for feeling this pathetically scared and weak. He wanted to scream, to throw things. To run inside the living room, snatch the baby and clutch her to him protectively. Every inch of his emotional being just hurt.
Had he been paying attention, he would probably have noticed the orange light flashing on his laptop hard drive, signalling it was processing information without his knowing. Information he wasn't sending nor receiving.
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"Why are we in the middle of the fucking high-street?" The question was asked as the man responsible, kicked his foot towards an innocent pigeon in his path.
"Because it stands out less if we act like normal people." Came a grunted reply.
"Is that why we're wearing such stupid clothing?"
"Yes. Now shut the fuck up before I cut your fucking head off."
"Tch. What is it with you and decapitation man? Some kind of weird fetish or something? I bet you're into creepy shit like necrophilia aren't you?" The younger of the two sneered and avoided a swipe to the face.
"Fuck off!" The other warned, not too loudly as not to draw attention, watching as his assigned partner snorted and walks off ahead of him. He'd catch him up later and just hoped he wouldn't do anything stupid while he wasn't there to threaten him. Then again, despite acting like a psychopath he was still Akatsuki. 'Stupid' just wasn't in Akatsuki vocabulary.
The two were out doing what most of the other members were in different locations around the region – travelling, laying low, scouting information. Kakuzu had chosen to take them through the high-street, bored of abandoned buildings and worn out pathways. It was necessary for them not to stand out and they had abandoned their usual smart Akatsuki uniform in the place of normal high-street clothing so they didn't stand out from anybody else. Their faces had never been caught on a clear photograph before so nobody would recognise them. Nobody was to know two mass murderers and dangerous criminals were walking amongst them. Kakuzu wondered what would happen if they did, all he envisioned was a lot of screaming and running and he snorted. There was no use for running, why did he have reason to waste time and energy killing civilians? Despite everybody assuming the Akatsuki were psychos who got off on the thought of death, they wouldn't kill without good reason. Besides they wouldn't be sold for much.
He caught Hidan up in the middle of a park, on his back in some grass making symbols with his hands in the air. He would have kicked the ridiculous sight if it wouldn't cause a lot of noise and attention to be drawn to them. "Get the fuck up off the ground." He said instead, sick of the man's antics.
"I can't, I'm doing a ritual!"
"Well I'm sick of your fucking rituals!" Kakuzu yelled and growled when a bunch of teenagers looked to him curiously, wanting to tell them to mind their own fucking business. He sighed angrily and lowered his voice again.
"It's not like I enjoy them. I have to follow the rules of Jashin religion." Hidan said calmly but with a tone of amusement as if making Kakuzu lose his cool made him overjoyed. It did.
"Just hurry up." The latter snarled and turned his head up to the sky. The clouds were wispy and looked like cigarette smoke. He used to smoke, however, it had turned out to be too expensive so he quit. If smoking were not against Jashin religion, he was sure Hidan would smoke just to annoy him. "I hate you." He said quietly at the thought and walked away from the sight of his co-worker on the ground, for it infuriated him too much. He walked away and headed back to the high-street without telling his partner where he was going.
"Don't buy an expensive coffee now, wouldn't want to waste money." Hidan said calmly from the grass as if reading his mind.
It took all the strength in Kakuzu's body for him not to turn round and kill the man where he lay.
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"SASUKE!"
The Uchiha was expecting the furious knocking on his office door, he turned towards it meekly and mumbled a 'what'. He felt guilty for thinking it but he wasn't in the mood for Naruto right now. He'd been searching for information for several more hours (to no result) without the company of his daughter and he was irritated.
He twitched but otherwise stayed quiet when his boyfriend dived on him and embraced him tightly. He was too exhausted to put up much of a fight. "I got the job!"
It was gasped into his ear and a small part of him relaxed and let out a sigh. The irritation inside him was glad the blonde wouldn't be moping about it any more and would be less agitated but the bigger more sympathetic side of him fought the feeling off. He was truly glad he'd got the job, he wouldn't have to be worried any more.
"Good." He spoke quietly and buried his face into the blonde's shoulder as some of the pent up tension ran out of him. He felt pathetic again like he had done last week when they were in the same position. He couldn't move though, he had no strength. This was the closest they had been to each other voluntarily in a week, he'd missed this somewhat. He cursed his own weakness.
"I've missed you." Naruto mumbled against his cheek, the sound vibrated through into his mouth and became his own. The hug stopped being about the job and started being about them. He wanted to say he was sorry but it wouldn't come out, just as 'I missed you too' never came out. He cursed being weak again. He didn't even know what weakness was any more. The strength to say your true feelings? Or the ability to put emotion aside for the safety of your family?
His arms found their way around Naruto's back before he could stop them and Naruto held him tighter. He wished he wouldn't, he was trying to reassure but again it made him feel weak.
I love you.
That was never said either. He looked upwards out of intuition and saw Sakura stood, nursing their baby in her arms. She tried to hide the grave, somewhat sorry expression on her face but Sasuke had seen it before she wiped it away with a smile and a small nod. She looked guilty when he let Naruto go and turned back to his computer.
The blonde looked somewhat awkward and kissed the side of his head before turning to leave. Sasuke ignored it. He couldn't get the look on Sakura's face out of his head. She seemed to know something he didn't. It had been a look of genuine worry and sympathy. For a moment he shared the same feeling, glancing to the door as it closed.
"I'm sorry." The words were whispered, chalky on his tongue. It felt empty. Like a promise he'd made and not fulfilled.
I'm sorry.
In his head, the words felt full. Why wouldn't they feel the same when spoken? What was he sorry for?
There's always a new day. Everything will be alright.
His mother's voice resounded at the back of his mind. Mother's were supposed to be there for you until you could stand on your own and pass on their caring knowledge.
A promise unfulfilled.
I don't have a mother.
He told himself to stop thinking stupidly and looked back at the screen, ignoring the pang in his eyes and chest.
It has taken all Naruto's patience to force his lover to come upstairs and to bed. Sasuke gives no reason for wanting to remain downstairs. Eventually he tells him it made no difference where he slept as long as he did. The reasoning made no sense to Naruto. Downstairs he wouldn't sleep. He would compute for hours, sit awake and worry, try to draw and stress. Upstairs he would lie down, he would coax the worry from him and be lulled into sleep. The sense of routine, normality, would catch him and take him under.
He was here now, slumbering already under the spell of routine and exhaustion. "I told you so." He whispers, brushing black hair out of his lover's eyes gently. The snoring from the cot is swimming around the room and he wonders if the sound soothes Sasuke. He looks into the cot and curls his finger round some fluffy black hair. It is similar to Sasuke's, it has grown longer recently. He wonders if soon they can put a hair band in it. Does Sasuke ever compare himself to the baby? Does he ever imagine it was really his own?
He has work in the morning. The thought feels good, he will be working with plants. It is his hobby. Sasuke seemed to have picked the right place for him, he used to be in his right mind at least. Or was he ever? He remembers Sasuke's episodes. He remembers Sakura's words.
It upsets him. His lover is undergoing a breakdown, anybody can tell. He's bad with covering his emotions. He wants to comfort but he isn't allowed. He wants to look after Sasuke for a change but he won't let him. Why is he pushing him away?
He looks to the baby. Remembers the kiss in the hallway before she had been adopted, before they took her home. The excitement and anticipation in his lovers eyes. Then the new addition to their once small but stable family.
"This is all your fault." He whispers, and it sounds loud and cruel, even if it is quiet in the bedroom. He couldn't blame a child with no clue but he wanted to. He wanted to eliminate her and get his Sasuke back.
He knows if the baby disappeared, Sasuke would be worse than he is now. He'd scream and cry and never forgive himself.
Would he do the same for me? Naruto asks himself. He wasn't sure if he knew the answer any more. He didn't know many answers to anything any more.
There's always a new day, everything will be alright.
Sasuke had said that to him once. He liked the way his voice had sounded when he spoke it, as if he were remembering something that made him truly happy. He wanted to hear it again. He wanted to know everything would be alright.
Sasuke wasn't quite sure how he'd gotten here. He remembered why of course. Naruto had threatened to turn down his new job if Sasuke didn't take the baby out for a walk in the pram. He didn't want to be faced with the guilt and complications of that happening.
So here he was. His feet had taken him along the streets and towards a familiar place. Every step was difficult as he was carrying some invisible weight inside his chest. Sasuke Uchiha was not invincible. Inside he felt heavy. He physically ached. He couldn't muster any kind of expression on his face besides 'empty'.
Starbucks. He was here again, at the same day and time he had been a couple of weeks ago. He wasn't surprised to see her there. She was circling a magazine in red pen just the same. He ordered the same drink as last time and a chocolate coin. He sat in the same place, was observed, then joined by the woman.
It was nearly identical to the last time but Sasuke was a different person.
"Kid, you look like hell." Tsunade snorted, chewing the end of her pen before circling another name. Sasuke didn't respond to the statement. "Wanna tell me what's wrong?"
"I'm not Naruto."
He spoke quietly, as if volume would break him. The answer was double edged and she knew it. He used it to mean the obvious, he wasn't Naruto, therefore she wasn't a guardian figure to him, and she didn't have to mother him whenever they met. Underneath it was an answer to 'what's wrong'. He wasn't Naruto. He wasn't optimistic, or inspiring or a role model. To some people he was inspired for his manga and story creations, but not for himself. Those were world and pictured he'd created. They weren't real. They'd never be real. They were inspiring, he wasn't.
"Hmm." Tsunade hummed and drew yet another circle, she didn't speak for a while. The baby was asleep and snoring in Sasuke's arms (he'd tried to leave her in her pram but he couldn't.) The coffee and chocolate went untouched and so did the subject. Tsunade seemed to have let the underlying answer slip, instead taking the one on the surface and ceased to console him. This both settled and irritated Sasuke for reasons he couldn't explain. "Bored of coffee?"
Sasuke looked up, she was still looking to her newspaper but he could tell she wasn't paying much attention to it. It was a barrier, allowing speech but acting as a safety net should it become tense. It was a safety net for Sasuke more than her. "It's just a question." She stated, her eyes flicking upwards, testing him.
"Yes." He answered, briefly remembering the case of the missing sugar jar at home and feeling heat build in his stomach. He still suspected at the back of his mind it wasn't a coincidence. Out of instinct his eyes flicked around the place. He did not see an Akatsuki uniform, he saw normal people.
"Hmm." The noise was also a safety noise, just a hum that could mean many different things, allowing or stopping conversation. "Can I see her?"
"No."
In a second his growing frustration flared into anger and he shot the woman a piercing look, clutching his infant tighter. If she was surprised she didn't show it. As soon as it had happened he was ashamed of himself, Tsunade was good to him ad Naruto, she didn't need that. He wanted to say he was sorry but just like yesterday, he couldn't form words.
"Fine." Tsunade said, sensing his instability. In her head she was looking at a bear protecting it's cub, willing to kill anybody who came near. There was such an intense fear and anger within the man she wondered what had happened to cause it. "Tell me what happened between last week and now then."
She watched as Sasuke blinked slowly at her, eyes telling her of some logic bantering happening inside his head. She wondered what he would choose, let go of his child or his secrecy. She made a bet in her mind, circling a horse called Hope. For a moment she thought he was going to get up but then he pulled the baby closer to him and buried himself into her neck with a pained sigh.
Poor boy.
Pity did nothing for people, it filled them up with a reminder of the fact there was something wrong and there was no help. Pity had to be followed up with a solution, it had to be reassuring then pulled back into resolve. Sadness was a storm and pity were waves, they followed and collided with one another, wind dragging the waves along and into the chaos. It caused the wind an extreme guilt, wanting to let go of the waves but not able to. Until the natural balance was restored when both found their way to the sandy beaches.
Tsunade couldn't be that wave. Not for Sasuke. She watched as he continued to keep himself close to the child, his fingers absent mindedly strolled through her hair as if it were the most natural thing in the world, a subconscious reassurance.
She couldn't be that wave, but she knew someone who could. Someone who needed the wind back in his life.
"Go home Sasuke." She spoke softly.
He looked up slightly with detached questioning. She continued. "You know what home I mean."
He stared into the coffee cup, the steam was no longer rising. "It's not my home any more." He whispered.
"If he's there, it's home, Sasuke." She insisted sternly and watched his eyes contemplate the statement before returning to her newspaper. The period of time between her closing statement and Sasuke next standing up was unknown but when he finally stood, the light outside was dimming. It was late autumn, the nights were drawn in and it was dull by this time, the small period of mid day sun had gone.
She checked her watch as the young man strapped his sleeping baby into the pram and put a woolly bonnet on her, tufts of black hair poked out the bottom and he brushed it away from her eyes. She was late for work again, she was often late for work. Shizune usually had things under control without her, she never worried.
He turned to leave, his walking stiff as if he were unused to it. As he grew further away she saw one child burdened with the life of another. "Sasuke."
He stopped and requested. "Don't."
"Listen Kid, what I said last week still stands." She snapped and sighed, packing up her newspaper. "We'll all protect her Sasuke. If you want to shut yourself out, do it, but remember we'll drag you back out of yourself like we did last time. He won't give up on you." She saw his fingers tighten on the pram handle and resisted the urge to go and embrace him. Sasuke wasn't as openly welcoming as Naruto. "Now get going to that pervert before I drag you there myself!"
Any other day and she might have seen the Uchiha smirk, today however, he nodded and left. She couldn't help but fear for him.
"Sasuke?"
Kakashi was surprised to see his son standing there on his doorstep that afternoon. Sasuke had always been independent, he'd moved out as soon as he could, not bothering with university. Sasuke wasn't a social person and had never fancied the university scene, he'd also made it quite clear he thought himself above tutors and was adamant about teaching himself and becoming successful of his own accord. Sasuke used to visit often, if only just to steal Kakashi's coffee and ask about his work day but he'd started visiting less and less. Kakashi was the one to check up on him regularly now, this was the first time in a while Sasuke had turned up without warning.
The raven walked in when his guardian stepped aside, looking over his son attentively. Nothing more had been said since Kakashi's mumble of surprise and nothing more continued to be said as they slipped into old routine. They sat at the kitchen table, Kakashi made coffee, Sasuke sat silently and just listened to the sounds around him. The same noisy rattling from the kettle that he'd been hearing since he was a child (Kakashi had brought it when he'd moved in with Iruka). The baby quietly snoring. His guardians jeans shuffling, just that little bit too long, shuffling against the floor tiles. The occasional sniff from the older man and he clinking of teaspoons and clunk of cupboard doors. The symphony of noises was familiar and soothing to him and when the rudimentary cup of coffee was placed in front of him like always, he inhaled the steam and felt the back of his mouth salivate with longing. He hadn't drank his coffee in Starbucks. The average instant brand from Kakashi's house was ten times more comforting to him than any expensive, syrup filled machine made masterpiece.
"Is there sugar in it?" Sasuke asked to break the quiet. It was normal for them, quiet, but he felt like Kakashi wanted him to speak.
"No." The silver haired man answered with a polished smile, which told Sasuke there was sugar in it. "I make it just the way you like it!" He insisted and his surrogate son frowned into his cup. Kakashi always snuck sugar into his coffee, not allowing him to pretend he didn't like it. Sasuke always drank it.
"Idiot." He muttered to voice his displeasure and raised the coffee to his lips regardless with the hand that wasn't clutched in the baby's fingers.
"Now now! Is that any way to speak to the one who clothed you? Fed you? Changed the sheets every time you wet the bed?" Kakashi asked in typical dramatic fashion. Sasuke wrinkled his nose in embarrassment.
"I never wet the bed."
"Well someone did and it wasn't me. I washed an awful lot of bedding in my day." He leaned back in his chair, coffee nestled in his hands and looked dramatically off to the side as if deep in reminisce. Sasuke glowered at him and sniffed out of customary annoyance. The silence returned for a while. Kakashi was the one to break it as usual. "So what brings a fine independent strapping young man such as yourself to this neck of the woods anyway?"
"That sounds like a line from a really bad gay porno." Sasuke answered in disgust and his guardian laughed.
"You would know."
"You know I can just leave if you're going to be like this." Sasuke warned, he wasn't in a good mood.
"Well that would defeat the objective of you coming, which you still haven't told me." Kakashi sighed in thought. "Besides, I've been like this since you were six, it amazes me how you still find me so irritating."
"I have my ways." The raven mused and leant down on the table, head resting on his arms. From here he could see the baby, who was grappling at the dangling toys on the handle of her pram. His face was close distance to his cup and felt the warmth radiating from it. Ears picked up soft scrapes and shuffles running through the wood, he moved his foot slightly and heard the sound echo. His vision became one of blurred heat and colour and sound and he momentarily felt calm in the mind numbing nonsense. Kakashi was still here and Sasuke himself began to wonder why he had come, Tsunade hadn't told him to directly, it was a suggestion. Yet here he was at his guardians table and expected to explain why. Why did he go to Kakashi?
For help, always for help.
Sadness washed over him and he blinked a few times as if expelling the sensation, reaching for the baby's hand with a finger. She found it and clung to it tightly as he retreated into mental reserve.
"I guess we're doing this your way then." Kakashi spoke, putting an empty cup of coffee down and causing a bang in his son's eardrum. "I'll meet you in the living room with a cheesy sitcom." Chair scraped along tiles, screeching in his head and Kakashi left. Sasuke felt unbelievably uneasy.
It took fifteen minutes or Sasuke to join Kakashi in the living room and the silver hair man was expecting it to. Friends was on television and he sat pretending to watch it as his son walked in, holding the baby and sat on the chair next to the sofa where Kakashi was sprawled. He was worried about him. Sasuke only came to him willingly when something very good or very bad had happened and by the expression on the young man's face it was definitely the latter. The confusion and sense of loss was easy to see. Despite everybody else opinion, Sasuke was a very emotional person who wasn't good at masking it. Those close to him could see that. Those not close who tried could see it when he was as bad as he seemed to be now. He was a loose cannon who tended to be very easily manipulated into feeling a certain way or being irreversibly overtaken into a feeling from a small thought. Kakashi used to call him a drama queen to annoy him as a teenager. He didn't feel this was quite appropriate now, his son seemed to be in a lot more trouble than say, realising he was gay or having a crush on a teacher. He remembered when his perfect Uchiha skin had manifested spots one summer and he'd refused to go to school for a few days until they were gone. On cue the mechanical laugher on the sitcom rang out and Kakashi stopped daydreaming to take a look at his son.
He always saw little Sasuke when he looked at him, the emotional intemperate boy he'd adopted all that time ago. He still saw him now, sitting in the chair clutching a baby not much smaller than him, crying over the loss of his parents, the betrayal of his brother, the scrapes on his small knees from being pushed around in the playground. Life had treated Sasuke unfairly and now, when life was just about solidifying into a normal and solid thing, it became unfair again. The thing was, Sasuke would not like the think the baby had done this so he blamed others, blamed himself and got confused.
"She's a very quiet baby." Kakashi mused aloud after watching Sasuke for a while. No matter how long Sasuke sat there or held her, she didn't cry. She always seemed content as long as he was there. "A lot like Haku." He added after remembering the baby's mother and her strong, quiet nature. "It's funny how even at this age babies are like their parents hm…" He watched a tiny twitch of muscle in Sasuke's forehead, catching a train of thought painful to him. "Naruto…he was always loud as a baby. All he did was babble and shout and make as much noise as possible…just like Kushina." He saddened as he remembered his mentor and wife. The last time he saw them, Naruto had been around six months old. After they died, Kakashi disappeared.
He swallowed as the immense guilt hit him. He'd made a few mistakes in life, running away after the death of the people he treated like parents and leaving Naruto behind wasn't something he was proud of. He was only fifteen when it happened, a genius child but a child nonetheless. He didn't want to think about that part of the past, what mattered was he'd redeemed his mistake by saving Sasuke. It was so strange, how closely Naruto and Sasuke's lives were, the very baby he came back at the age of 21 to adopt, ended up as Sasuke. The one boy Sasuke fell in love with ended up to be the one Kakashi had left behind.
"What are you thinking?" Sasuke asked him and he gave a small laugh, he spoke without thinking.
"About how you very nearly could have been Naruto."
He knew at once he had said the wrong thing, even though he couldn't see his son's face, the tension in the room seemed to multiply tenfold and when he looked up he saw what he'd expected on Sasuke's face. Hurt. Immense and entangled hurt. "Sasuke." He began seriously. "You know I didn't mean it like that."
At once Sasuke tried to mask off his feelings but Kakashi knew the damage had been done. The Uchiha had always had an inferiority complex, always suffered from paranoia. Kakashi understood how he sometimes felt about himself in comparison to Naruto; he'd never meant to pick on those feelings when he said what he did.
Sasuke stood wordlessly, walked over and to Kakashi's surprise handed to baby to him. He understood when he saw his son's arms shaking in front of him. He disappeared upstairs and once out of earshot Kakashi exhaled and swore under his breath. He'd done it again.
"Your daddy is a case." The man spoke to the baby, laying her on his lap and letting her grab at his fingers. Sasuke had always been compared. As a child, people compared him to his brother, as he got older; he compared himself to his brother, fearing he was going to be like him. Now he compared himself to Naruto. He admired him, Kakashi knew it, he felt inferior to him and knew Kakashi had decided to adopt him because he couldn't adopt Naruto. Somewhere in Sasuke's head he believed Kakashi whished he could've adopted Naruto instead of him. Somewhere he believed he would never be as good as him, never have as many friends or people there for him. "Why can't he see, he has everything Naruto does?" He asked the baby and she ignored him, content in chewing his fingers. "What's his silly brain been making him think of lately, hm?" He jostled her lightly and she smiled a mouth full of gums at him.
He looked to the stairs, knowing where Sasuke had gone, knowing because it's the same routine they had had since Sasuke was a six year old and he a twenty one year old new father learning from his mistakes.
"He seems worse than usual." He said aloud and as if she understood, the infant in his lap stopped smiling, looking at him sadly. He put on his brave face and stood with her. "He'll be okay." He climbed the stairs and went into his bedroom, laying the baby in the cot he'd bought after learning of the adoption in case she stayed the night. He turned on a mobile above it that Iruka had picked and she was fascinated by it instantly, watching as the stars above her travelled in a circle along to twinkling music. "I have to figure this out." Kakashi spoke, stroking his grandchild's hair lightly and leaving.
He found himself outside the bathroom, same place, same situation, similar problem. As always. This part of life hurt Kakashi. To help Sasuke he had to find out why he was hurting, to do that, it often involved Sasuke hurting more. It was for his own good but it still pained Kakashi. He wished Sasuke wasn't so secretive, he wished he didn't have to feel inferior because he had problems and refused to acknowledge them. He had long ago accepted though that it was the way Sasuke was and that this had to happen.
"Sasuke." That was all he said, Sasuke knew the routine as good as he, always allowing himself to slip into it. There was always that little part that wanted and needed Kakashi to pull him out of his stance and into chaos.
"Fuck off." Came a voice from inside, it was steady and serious.
"Your language has never improved." Kakashi replied. Silence. "You know I won't leave."
"I'm not six anymore!" Some of his emotion leaked through the sentence, on the verge of cracking.
"It's debateable sometimes." Kakashi replied, hand on the door, wanting to push through it and hug the poor man and apologise until they both cried over their own stupidity. That had to wait though, Sasuke did things gradually, liked routine.
"Listen!" The door flew open to reveal the pale man, looking absolutely livid, clutching the doorframe like a lifeline. Kakashi watched as he forgot the rest of his sentence and his eyes flew about wildly, looking for the missing presence. His stomach grew hot as he saw the fear in his son's eyes. Sasuke hissed. "Where is she?"
I'm sorry Sasuke.
Kakashi tensed, putting on a strong front, he hated this. He hated it so much. He could feel Sasuke's terror increasing, there would be chaos soon. He had known this severe attachment would develop them minute Sasuke adopted. Nobody, maybe apart from Naruto, would be brave enough to hurt Sasuke like this. Sasuke needed it, he needed to see he was being irrational.
Reinforcing that belief in his head, he lied.
"She's downstairs in her pram."
Here comes the waves.
Sasuke broke in the next second. All colour drained from his face and he instantly darted to leave. He would have, had Kakashi not blocked his path. "Move." He spoke, tensing dangerously, breathing accelerating in anger and fear, testing his guardian's willpower.
"No, Sasuke." Kakashi remained calm as his son panicked even further. He moved in Sasuke's way when he shot forward again, trying to push through. Grabbing him when he tried to lash out and force his way from the doorway, screaming obscenities.
"What are you doing!" He yelled, trying to hit Kakashi but all the years of place training meant he could restrain his son successfully. Not that it was easy, Sasuke was acting like a captured animal, terrified and lashing out without thought. A few times his fists and legs made contact with Kakashi and the man hid the pain. It was nothing compared to the pain of seeing Sasuke on the verge of complete mental breakdown. "Why are you doing this? Why!" His voice was breaking and Kakashi did nothing but hold him there, pushing back the familiar sting in his eyes. Sasuke was desperately trying to push him away. "She can't be alone! Let me go!" He was screaming, voice breaking into weeping, without the tears. "STOP IT!" Losing strength in his body he sank a little. "I HATE YOU!" He roared. "I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!" He repeated his opinion furiously, voice tearing Kakashi apart as he held him there and listened. "She can't…he'll get her!..let me go! Please! He'll get her!" Sasuke muttered into his chest , both men's hands white from holding each other, blood ran through his ears and made his head hot. Like a stuck record he repeated it again, now begging for him to let him go, voice flailing to a meek and desperate plea. Kakashi knew who the 'he' was and not for the first time in his life, felt an immense hatred towards Sasuke's brother.
" Sasuke." He said his sons name quietly, carefully, the more worked up he became, the more worked up Sasuke would become.
"Get away from me! She needs me!" He choked on his own words and Kakashi felt him shaking under his grasp, trying to keep his breathing under control and failing. He couldn't lie to him anymore.
"She's not downstairs Sasuke. She's in a cot in my bedroom two doors away."
"It's still too far! She's alone!" Sasuke wept, trying to get away again and Kakashi clutched his wrists tighter between them. Kakashi felt sick as he realised just how bad this bad become, Sasuke could not even deal with the baby unsupervised only a room away. He had not even got angry over him lying, all he could think about was the baby.
"He's not here." Kakashi said firmly to the man. "He's not in this house and he isn't anywhere near her. She's safe in her cot."
"You're lying! I've saw him! He was there…he was right there…" His voice faltered into a quiet sob and he let his head fall on his guardian's chest, sounding like he was referring to another time.
"Where Sasuke, when?" Kakashi asked confusedly, fear growing himself.
"By the stairs…he was there…he's following me…he's going to take her…" The man whispered in reply, sounding breathless and Kakashi paled. He needed to talk to Naruto about this and see if he knew anything about it. Sasuke suffered from immense anxiety over his brother, he could have been imagining things or he could not. Both theories were scary. If Sasuke was hallucinating - this had gone too far. If Itachi had been in Sasuke's house or had come into contact…why would he have left without hurting anybody? None of it made sense but it was a terrifying thought. "Please…"
Kakashi couldn't stand keeping Sasuke here anymore. He was trained to fight back his emotions but there was only so much a father could take when it was their children involved. He couldn't undo his rules however, so he kept a firm hold on Sasuke and took him to the bedroom.
"She's right there. Unharmed."
And she was, sleeping in fact, unaware of her father's behaviour. Sasuke exhaled shakily and tried to reach for her but Kakashi restrained him again. "She's sleeping, leave her be."
"She's…please…let me touch her…"
"Listen to yourself." Kakashi told him. "This isn't you talking Sasuke, it's the paranoia, the anxiety. It's irrational."
"Why are you being like this!" Sasuke started again and Kakashi quickly took him out of the room, ignoring the kicking and screaming and led him into the spare bedroom. Again Sasuke began screeching that the baby was alone and Kakashi fought to keep himself calm. "Why are you doing this to me!"
"Because you're my son!" Kakashi answered, growing emotional. "And I will not let these problems overcome you!"
"You're not my dad! You never will be!"
Kakashi felt a physical pain in his chest as Sasuke yelled at him and he couldn't help but let his emotions show through. Sasuke knew he had hurt him. It was several quiet minutes before either of them spoke again and when they did, the air was thick with regret.
"I didn-"
"It's okay, Sasuke." Kakashi cut him off sharply and Sasuke flinched. It was definitely not okay.
"I'm sorry."
"I know."
It was quiet as they stood on the carpet of the tiny spare room, both of them made mistakes, said things they didn't mean. It was this that brought them together. The wind and waves.
Sasuke tentatively tried to ease out of Kakashi's hold and the elder let him. He was then drawn carefully into a hug by the younger man and sighed, embracing him back.
"Sasuke, what I said before wasn't how it sounded."
"I know."
"You're the boy I chose to adopt and I've never once in my life regretted that decision. You're a handful, I admit. A completely irrational, pain in the arse with a short temper and bad habits, but you are my son, and I still love you. I have never wished you to be like anybody else and you shouldn't either."
He heard a choked sob come from Sasuke and clutched him tighter. He again became the child that he pulled from the bathtub and into his arms to cry on his shoulder. "I'm sorry…I didn't mean…what I said. I just…I'm sorry!"
"Shh…I know, I know." Kakashi felt tears prickle in his eyes. He hated Itachi. He absolutely hated him. Kakashi was a man who didn't let intense feelings overcome him and ruin his happiness but whenever he realised just how bad Sasuke had become because of his brother...god he hated him.
Sasuke rarley called him dad, he didn't buy him fathers day gifts and only said I love you a handful of times. Kakashi was understanding enough to know why and that it wasn't something he did out of spite. He'd lost his dad himself and though he had come to think of different people as his parental figures, it was hard for him to replace his father. He knew how Sasuke felt about attachment. He was afraid anybody he became attached to would disappear because that's what he'd learned as a child. He didn't want to admit to himself Kakashi was his dad now because it meant both solidifying that close bond and acknowledging it, and also deep down he still hadn't let go of his real father and didn't want to feel he was forgetting and replacing him. Kakashi knew these feelings well. He understood and never minded father's day or pushed Sasuke. Occasionally he would call him 'dad' out of his own wishes, usually when tired or when Kakashi was having a bad time, it slipped out. His guardian knew Sasuke loved him, he had his own way of showing it and even though he tried not to acknowledge the bond, it had already been created long ago.
"Sasuke. How much have you been sleeping?" He asked in a moment of lull, his son had grown weak against him and only now had he noticed the immense exhaustion shaking though him. From previous experience, he knew the raven became a reckless sleeper when he was troubled. Only a nonsensical mumble was given as a reply and Kakashi smiled wryly, suspicions confirmed. "I bet Naruto's been on your case." Another mumble and he held him tightly, ushering him towards the bed in the tiny room and making him lie down as he protested. "You need to sleep." The young man's eyelids were fighting closure but Kakashi knew all too well he'd be out soon, he was a pile of mush after such trauma and fell into deep sleep for several hours. Realising he would probably still fight off the tiredness unless he had the baby he sighed and went back to his bedroom, lifting the infant gently and rocking her when she stirred. "Lie down." He told his son as he came back to find him sat on the edge of the bed still fighting the heavy weight of his emotions. He looked from his guardian to the baby and complied, lying down slowly, sighing as if feeling a pillow under his head was nothing short of luxury. Kakashi placed the baby beside him on the pillow. There was no danger of him rolling on her in sleep, the raven would be dead to the world for hours.
Exhausted as he was, he kept his eyes open as he felt his daughters hair and even smiled dazedly. Kakashi sat on the bed and watched the interaction feeling both pride and sadness inside himself. "I'm a grandad hm..." He mused and brushed his son's hair much like he was doing to the baby. Sasuke relaxed into the touch and a single tear fought it's way out of a closed eye. Kakashi's heart fell.
"I don't hate you." Sasuke whispered as Kakashi wiped the tear away with his thumb.
"I never believed you did." He reassured, standing after he made sure the tears had stopped. "We'll talk later, you need to sleep."
"Tell...Naruto..." Sasuke muttered sleepily from the bed, falling into slumber.
"I will. Goodnight Sasuke."
"Good...night...dad."
Kakashi's heart swelled as he closed the bedroom door.
.
.
Oh Sasuke I forgot how lost you were in this fic oAo