S.M. owns Twilight. My beta kdillin owns my ass bc she is so amazing.

Edward

I woke up in the middle of the night like I did most nights from some fucking nightmare. It was always the same thing - a repeat of that night playing over and over. Sometimes it was just complete darkness and the only sound was my mother crying.

My stomach rumbled and I cursed as I slid out of bed. It was fucking freezing in here like usual. This whole damn house was cold.

I wiped the sleep from my eyes and shuffled down the hallway and towards the steps. I glanced over at Bella's side of the house. I couldn't wrap my mind around this girl. And I couldn't believe I went into her room this morning to put wood on her fire. I have no idea where the hell that came from but I'm not that kind of guy. Jasper is the nice guy. Not me.

The house was dark and still as I walked down the steps and towards the kitchen. Lucky Charms sounded like Heaven right now. I didn't bother turning on the light as I entered the kitchen, I just walked over to the refrigerator and reached in for the milk. I set it on the counter and finally reached for the light switch so I didn't make a mess looking for dishes.

"Hi," Bella said from behind me.

"Jesus!" I screamed. I definitely wasn't expecting her to be here. After the initial shock wore off I realized that she could see me - all of me.

"I'm sorry." Her eyes widened and she quickly looked down at her cereal. "I scared you."

"You didn't…" I lied. I almost shit my pants but I wasn't about to tell her that. I could almost see the gears turning in her head, trying to figure out what happened to me. I know not many people knew. In fact the only people that really knew either lived in this house or were spending the rest of their lives rotting away in jail.

I glared at her as she kept eating her food. I'm sure she was running through all the names in her head: Freak, Monster, Ugly. I've been called them all.

"Good." She set her bowl down and finally looked back up at me for the slightest moment. "Midnight snack?"

"How'd you guess?" I snapped. I wasn't in the mood for small talk, especially with her.

"What's your problem?" She took a step towards me. "I mean really. I'm sorry that I'm such a big inconvenience to you and your secluded little life up here, but I don't want to be here!" Her eyes widened with her last word as she closed the gap between us.

"Good. I don't want you here either!" I slammed my hands down on the counter and challenged her back.

I found myself lost her in deep brown eyes even though they were the last place I wanted to be. Like dark chocolate swirled with beautiful tree bark after a summer's rain. I blinked a few times and turned around, propelling myself as far away from her as possible. Beautiful tree bark? Where the hell did that come from?

I ran upstairs and went into the library, slamming the door shut behind me. I found the liquor, a glass and the bench of my piano in an instant, almost like it was second nature. And I guess it was. Every time something set me off, I found myself here. Needless to say I was here a lot.

I downed half of my glass immediately as my fingers ghosted over the keys. It was a new melody, born in the very depths of me. The rise and fall of the keys -slow then fast - loud and soft - a dance between the ivories as I let it all out.

God she was beautiful. I shook my head and sipped at the rest of my drink. It was a lost cause to even think such things. She would never know me. Never know the pain - or the hurt. Or the…whatever it is I feel. And she would never want to. Nobody does. She could never love someone like me.

"Love," I whispered to myself. Why would someone like Bella ever love someone like me and why did the thought even run through my fucked up head? I had no idea where that word even came from, much less what it really meant. It was a foreign concept to me, except for my mother and it killed her. Love killed her. If she would have just kicked me out when she had the chance they would be alive right now, but she couldn't do that. She wouldn't. Their blood was on my hands and there was nothing anyone could say to make it better - no one. Love is a fucking joke, especially for a monster like me.

"Fuck!" I stood up and threw my empty glass into the darkness. I heard it crash and shatter against the door. I buried my head in my hands as the familiar numbness started to float across my entire body, taking me away from all of this shit.

I sighed and stood up, knowing that I had to pick up the glass shards. I'd broken enough glasses to know that glass hurts when you step on it. Jasper threatened to start taking me to the hospital every time I hurt myself so I learned to at least push it aside. There was no way I was going into town, least of all that hospital. I spent enough time there after it happened. I never wanted to go back there.

When I reached the door, I leaned my head against the wood and pressed my palms flat against it. I wonder if she went back to her room. She probably did. And she probably ate all of my cereal. Just the thought of it pissed me off.

My nails scratched lightly against the door, up and down, up and down as I breathed deeply through my nose. Even through my weightless haze, I could feel my fingertips humming against the wood. I licked my lips and closed my eyes as I enjoyed the buzz coursing through my veins. The alcohol must have been affecting me more than usual because this feeling was beyond anything I've felt before.

My eyes finally snapped open. "Edward you're molesting a door," I said to myself. I stepped away, instantly feeling a sense of loss as soon as I did. I kicked the shards of glass aside and had a few more drinks before passing out in the chair.

I woke up the next morning late and uncomfortable as fuck. I'd slept in this chair enough to know that my back was going to be yelling at me for the rest of the day. I ran my fingers through my hair and shuffled to my room so I could change my clothes. When I was finished I made my way downstairs.

I heard Bella and Jasper speaking softly in the kitchen. I snuck silently down the hall and lingered just outside the doorway so I could listen.

"I shouldn't have said anything about his family. I crossed a line," Bella said.

"He's a big boy Bella. He should learn to control his temper regardless."

I cleared my throat and stepped into the room, halting their conversation.

"Edward," Jasper said.

"Jasper." I nodded towards Bella and continued outside.

"You're not seriously going for a run in this are you?" Bella asked.

I glanced outside at the falling snow and sighed. "No. I'm going to split some more wood so you don't freeze at night, is that alright with you?" I snapped.

"Oh…yeah I guess. Thank you." She looked away and I couldn't help but notice the look of shock on Jasper's face.

"What?" I asked him. I didn't wait for him to answer before I slipped out into the cold.

I rounded the greenhouse and trudged towards the shed. The door creaked and protested as I tore it open. The ax was resting along one wall so I grabbed it and headed back towards the house. A few of the small trees along the edge of the forest had fallen from cold, weather or disease so I hacked through a few of them and dragged them through the snow.

I was already sweating by the time I'd separated the first trunk, if you could even call it that, into smaller pieces. These trees were more like fat twigs, about the size of a pancake, but they worked well for fires.

"The woods back here have some beautiful trails, especially in the summer…" I overheard as I saw Jasper and Bella pass by me. I placed one log on my stand and raised the ax high above my head before slamming down on it with a loud grunt. Bella turned her head back towards me as her and Jasper idled slowly towards the trees.

For some reason it pissed me off, them spending time together. I know Jasper is a nice guy; actually he's the nicest guy I've ever met. And I knew he wasn't trying to pull anything with her, but it made my blood boil to watch them together. I felt possessive over her for no apparent reason other than I was a selfish asshole who wanted everything for himself and it made no sense. She'd pissed me off more in a couple of days than I was used to, even for me. Why should I feel anything but annoyance towards her? She wasn't mine to possess even though I wanted to possess her in ways that would set both of us on fire.

I groaned and set up another log before I noticed she was still staring at me. I couldn't figure it out. Her eyes looked mildly curious, maybe frustrated…a sense of longing. No. I shook my head and went back to work as they disappeared into the trees.

When I'd finished enough wood to last for awhile, I started carrying it up into her room. I felt a little weird going in there the first time and this was no different. I noticed a stack of books sitting beside her bed and a pile of clothes in the corner.

I set the stack of wood down by the fireplace and drifted towards her bed. The blankets were a mess, scattered all over the bed. I picked up the pillow and ran my fingers across the soft fabric.

"Let it go Edward," I told myself as I put the pillow down and went back to the fireplace. I set a few blocks of wood in there and lit it. A few minutes later I had a decent fire going and I could already feel the room starting to warm up. I didn't even notice her open the door.

She cleared her throat and lingered by the door. "Hi," she said softly.

I stood up and brushed my hands off on my pants. I didn't know what to say so I spat out the first thing I could think of. "Jasper's making pasta. Dinner's at five."

"Is that a request or a demand?" She crossed her arms and narrowed her eyes at me.

"You can take it however the hell you want to. I guess if you aren't there, you won't have dinner."

"You're pretty used to getting what you want aren't you Edward?"

I didn't reward her with an answer to that even though we both knew it was true. I was spoiled and there was no denying any of it. I didn't want to have this conversation with her so I just brushed past her and made my way to the downstairs.

Jasper was bustling around the kitchen, looking in each cupboard and cubby, as I entered.

"What do you want for dinner?" He asked.

"Pasta and dinner will be at five." I ran my fingers through my hair and sighed.

"Maybe we should ask Bella what she'd like…" he mused.

"No. She already knows. This is my house Jasper."

"And she's our guest Edward. I know you're good at playing the asshole, but maybe you could ease up a little." He glared at me before he pulled out all of the supplies for dinner. "She doesn't even have to eat with us."

"She'll eat my Lucky Charms," I mumbled under my breath. But of course Jasper heard me.

"I'm sorry?" He turned around and cocked his eyebrow.

"She's after my Lucky Charms."

He cracked a smile a moment before he doubled over in laughter.

"What?" I asked.

"Edward you're being ridiculous. Go take a shower. You smell like ass."

I flipped him off and went to my room. I stripped out of my clothes and turned on the shower. As I waited for the water to warm up, I paced around my room. I found one of my stashed bottles of liquor and took a few swigs as I looked out the window. The snow was starting to pile up even more after today. People who don't live up here don't understand. It's completely impossible to get anywhere, not that I wanted to go anywhere. I was comfortable here. Or the most comfortable I could be. Despite everything that happened here I felt safe in this house. Nobody could see me or hurt me. I could drown in my fucked up life and no one would notice. And I like it that way.

I stepped in the shower and changed into some new clothes. I started out with a casual t-shirt but eventually found myself fingering through my dress shirts that I hadn't worn in years. I pulled out the one with the least wrinkles. I had no clue how to use the iron and I wasn't about to ask Jasper how to do that shit.

I ran my fingers through my damp hair and started downstairs. The pasta was already cooking on the stove and it smelled fucking delicious.

"What's the occasion?" Jasper asked, bustling into the kitchen. He eyed me up and down with a confused look on his face. "Did I miss something?"

"No. It was all I had clean," I lied.

"Liar," he said as he stirred the pasta.

"How do you know?"

"Because I do your laundry and I just did a shit ton the other day."

I crossed my arms and leaned against the counter. I guess I'd have to start doing my own laundry so I could lie more effectively.

"Will you go get Bella and tell her that dinner is ready?" He asked.

I groaned and started down the hallway and up the stairs. As soon as I hit her side the most beautiful smell assaulted my nose. It smelled like strawberries mixed with lilacs and rain.

I shook my head and knocked lightly on her door.

"Just a minute," she called. I leaned up against the doorframe and grazed my thumb against my forehead. The door whipped open a moment later and she was there - her face just a few inches from mine. Her hair was dripping wet from the shower she must have just taken. I found myself glancing down at her tank top and she self-consciously covered her breasts with her arms. "I thought you were Jasper."

"Obviously," I whispered. I was the last person she would expect to be knocking at her door right now and it pissed me off that she already felt that comfortable with Jasper.

"What do you want?"

"Dinner's ready." I bit my lip and told myself to look away from her, but I was completely captivated by the small drop of moisture lingering on her cheek.

"I'm not hungry." She shrugged.

I sighed and finally stepped back. "Fine, no dinner and no snacking later either!" I narrowed my eyes at her and left.

Jasper seemed surprised that I was alone when I entered the kitchen.

"She said she's not hungry."

"No big deal." He got out two plates. "They'll be plenty of leftovers."

I laughed under my breath and grabbed a plate. We ate dinner in relative silence. Jasper kept looking at me like he was trying to figure out a complicated puzzle, which I didn't understand. He knows me better than anyone. There shouldn't be anything left to discover.

"What's your fucking problem?" I asked.

"Nothing." He shook his head. "You're just very interesting tonight."

"What does that mean?"

"Edward I've never seen you dressed up since the funeral. And you've never once in your life done something for someone else unless you get something out of it."

"So?"

"Nothing." He laughed and went back to his meal.

"I hate when you're all cryptic and shit." I pushed my pasta around my plate and he laughed again.

We finished up dinner and I left to go back upstairs. I found myself unsurprisingly in the library, drinking and playing my piano. More surprisingly, I actually pulled a book from the shelf and started reading it. I had no idea what it was, but it held my attention for about ten minutes before I passed out with it on my chest.

My stomach woke me up a while later with its grumbling. I swear it was a never-ending garbage dump because I was always hungry at night, even when I ate a good dinner. At least I could eat my snack in solace tonight.

I stumbled down the stairs in my now-wrinkled shirt and wiped the sleep from my eyes. A noise in the kitchen startled me and I cursed under my breath.

I reached cautiously around the corner and flipped on the light switch. Bella was sitting on the counter munching loudly on my Lucky Charms. She didn't flinch as I stomped in and glared at her.

"Really?" I nodded to her cereal bowl. There were enough leftovers to feed an army and she went for the Lucky Charms – MY Lucky Charms!

She shrugged and took another big bite. I grabbed the box from the counter and my own bowl. Once I was all situated I sat down on one of the stools and we ate together in awkward almost silence. It's impossible to be completely quiet when you're eating cereal. It's fucking crunchy and delicious.

"So what do you do all day?" She asked.

"Nothing really, I drink, play the piano and go for walks."

"You play really beautifully…"

My head snapped towards her. When did she hear me play?

"I heard you the other night when I was on my way back to my room," she explained. "I've already read all the books I've brought and I already don't know what to do with myself."

"You get used to it."

"Used to what?"

"Not knowing what to do with yourself."

She nodded slowly. "Aren't you sick of it though?" She asked.

"Sick of what?"

"Pretending to be happy with your life up here."

"I'm not pretending anything. Does this look like I'm fucking happy to you?" I gestured around.

When I was finished I put my bowl in the sink and grabbed the box. I tucked it under my arm and smirked at her before taking myself and the rest of the cereal up to my room.

It's funny that the things you try to avoid thinking about end up occupying your every thought. Maybe this was her plan, to fuck with my head. I could stop my mind from picturing her face or running through every damn word that she'd just said to me.

I stashed the cereal box in my closet and pulled a sweater over my head before heading back downstairs. She was already gone, but it didn't matter. I passed through the kitchen and went into the greenhouse to spend some time with my mother.

She loved this place. I remember this one time, before I became the despicable person I am today, being in here with her. I was probably about eleven and she was watering all the flowers. She was explaining the process of taking care of all of them, the temperature, seasons, water, and the nutrients. And I was completely captivated by how happy she was in here. I imagine that's the last time I remember that I was truly happy. Everything after that is a blur of alcohol, drugs, girls and epic fuck ups.

I glanced up at the house and noticed Bella's light was still on. I leaned back against the side of the greenhouse and watched her shadow cross back and forth behind the curtains. My breath hitched in my throat when she pulled back the curtains and looked down at me. I knew she couldn't see me in here because it was so dark, but I still looked away embarrassed.

My fingers danced across the petals in the rows of flowers before I finally plucked one and carried it inside. I stumbled up the steps and stood at the top for the longest time glancing between the two sides.

I finally took the steps up to Bella's side and found myself frozen outside her door. I raised my hand to knock and then just as quickly brought it back down to my side. I leaned in closer to the door and listened. Completely silence. She must have gone to bed.

I sighed and lightly placed the rose on the doorknob before shoving my hands in my pockets and retreating back to my side.

The next morning I went downstairs and found Bella laughing with Jasper, twirling the rose in her fingers. Jasper cleared his throat and gave me a pointed glance.

"Look." Bella smiled. "Jasper left me this on my door this morning."

Jasper stared at me, waiting for me to correct her. He knew he didn't put that rose on her doorknob so that only left me.

"How lovely," I said sarcastically. I turned around and bolted for the door. Why couldn't I fucking tell her? I guess I'm not ready to be that guy yet. Hell I don't even know if she's that girl, but there has to be some reason that I'm acting this way with her. And until I figured that I out I needed to stop with this bullshit almost nice guy stuff. That wasn't me. I was losing myself to this girl I didn't even know. The scary part is that I think a small part of me never wanted to be found.

A/N: Holy crap there may be a nice guy in Beastward just clawing to get out. Let's see how long it takes for him to make a full appearance instead of this back and forth shit.

Lots of good news!

First of all, my story Code of Conduct has been nominated for the Queen of Hearts Category in the Walk of Fame Awards. Thank you, thank you, and thank you to whoever nominated me. I've never been nominated for anything and it means a lot so thank you again.

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I've started the second round of the One Shot Soundtrack. If you're interested in participating in this music inspired one shot soundtrack, visit our profile for details. Penname is ossoundtrack.

Lastly, the ffcollab has begun! I finished the first chapter and posted it a few days ago. It's called the Peep Hole Chronicles and you guys should definitely check it out. It should be a good one. The penname is ffcollab : )