Chapter 5: Or How More Chaos is Caused
A/N: I know I didn't do this before, but I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING. Not one speck. ALL THESE CHARACTERS BELONG TO SOMEBODY ELSE.
Fagin: One, two, three!
Nancy: Fagin, please! This will be the nineteenth time they sing it! We're all sick of it!
Fagin: No! One, two three!
Random Fagin's gang: Oh, Snoofles
Our Snoofles
Where art thee?
Under hill, painting, rock or tree?
Where be you lurking
Where be your den?
Come out, come out, Snoofles
Before we count to ten!
Nancy: Satisfied?
Fagin: (nodding) All done!
(There is a lot of whooping from the random Fagin's gang as they run around, finally free. There is much popping, and all the Mizzies suddenly appear, including Javert- who appears to have all his limbs and vital organs still intact and not battered by fish)
Eppie: YOU COLOSSAL IDIOT, GAVVY!
Gavvy: What'd I do now?
Eppie: YOU ATTACKED THAT GIRL! HAVEN'T YOU GOT ENOUGH EXPERIENCE FROM OVERPROTECTVE PARENTS?
Gavvy: (defensively) You might 'ave, but I never did.
All in attendance: Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww…
Eppie: Sorry…
Gavvy: S'OK.
Eppie: So, Gavvy. Why did you attack her? Her mother would kill you!
Gavvy: I know… I know…
Eppie: If you knew that, then why-
Enjy: Eppie, are you trying to sound like his mother?
Eppie: (flushing) Am I really that horrible?
Enjy: How could you think such a thing about yourself! (flushing too) Well… what I mean is… you're a really nice girl!
(He goes off and does his best to appear busy socialising with Fagin. Eppie glares at his back suspiciously, then goes to talk to Nancy.)
Nancy: Hmmm… you're so pretty! Ooh! I know! Dodger!
(Dodger, always too eager, comes up straight away.)
Nancy: Go into a store and steal my very good friend Eppie 'ere a nice… hmmmm… blue dress.
(Dodger gives her a disbelieving look.)
Nancy: What?
Dodger: I'm a pickpocket! We don' steal dresses for girls!
Nancy: Dodger…
Dodger: Fine, fine. Goin'.
(He goes.)
Nancy: Now… until he comes… let's sort out the jewellery. (They go a little way from the other Mizzies and Oliver!s.) Hmmm… (she unclips a locket from around her neck.) This is my favourite locket, given to me by my mother, and the most precious thing to me in the world! But because we're BFFs, and I'm so nice, I'm gonna give it to you!
Eppie: Awwww, really? You're so nice!
(Nancy gives the locket to Eppie.)
Eppie: Ooooh… shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiny… (She sees the look on Nancy's face.) I… I mean… it's really pretty! Yeah! That's it!
(Dodger comes back, looking utterly disgusted and flings a blue dress into Nancy's arms before stalking off to talk to Charley)
Nancy: Here! Put it on!
(Eppie pops with the dress. A minute later she is back, holding the old rags in her arms.)
Nancy: Ooh! Yay! 'Ere, gimme that ol' dress. You won' be needin' it.
(Reluctantly, Eppie hands it over. Nancy draws out a mobile from inside her dress.)
Eppie: What is that?
Nancy: It's called a… (She refers to a pocket dictionary) mobile… phone.
Eppie: A mobile… phone?
Nancy: Yes. (She dials a number) Hi! I'm Nancy, a friend from school!
Eppie: School?
Nancy: (to Eppie) Go wiv it! (Into the phone) Yeah, can I speak to Dominique?… Dom, I mean…. Yeah. Oh, hi, Fleur! 'Ow's Bill? … Good, good. Can Dom come to… Hyde Park, West Entrance? Thanks! Bye-bye, now!
Eppie: Fleur? Bill? Dom?
Nancy: Yeah. You'll see!
(There is a large popping sound, and Dom Apparates.)
Dom: Hi, Nance!
Nancy: Hi, Dom! 'Ere, can you do somethin' for me?
Dom: I dunno… Maman wants me home really soon…
Nancy: It's only quick. Burn this dress. (She hands Dom the dress.)
(Dom nods, gets her wand out and burns it.)
Dom: Bye! (Apparates)
Eppie: (bewildered) What just happened?
Nancy: Oh, we just got rid of your old rags. See, you're really pretty! Come on. Let's talk.
(They sit down and start talking useless fluff that would send me to sleep if I typed it. So I won't.)
Over on the other side of the square of grass…Oliver: So you are Marius…
Marius: And you are Oliver…
Oliver: I annoy B-C a lot. I know that. (Goes into a small depression)
Marius: So do I! It's so unfair! All the other Mizzies get their names shortened, but NOT ME! (cries)
Oliver: Oh, wow.
(Oliver, being the wimp that he is, goes over to Marius and gives him a hug.)
Cosette: Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! Marry-Warry has found a little fwiend!
(Marius and Oliver grin at her.)
Enjy: (a little way away) Now, are we agreed?
Courffie: YES!
ABC Society: Courffie!
Courffie: Sorry.
Enjy: Now, is everyone ready? Have you got your shields?
ABC Society: Yep.
Enjy: Got your ammo belt?
ABC Society: Yep.
Enjy: Got your cream pie?
ABC Society: Yep.
Enjy: Got your dead fish?
ABC Society: Yep.
Enjy: !
(Cosette, Oliver, Marius and any other soppy characters present look up as the entire ABC Society run at them, pelting them with cream pies and whacking them around the face with dead fish. Bill, at one point, joins in, managing to get Oliver- to much whoops from the ABC Society.)
A/N: And so concludes yet another very very strange instalment of 'Les Miserables Meets Oliver!'. Now we all like virtual chocolate, and virtual cookies too. So, if you review, I'll give you a virtual chocolate bar AND a virtual cookie!