S.M. owns Twilight. kdillin is the best beta evah!

Bella

Razor blades.

I stopped breathing for infinite moments the instant those two words fell from his lips. I guess I knew that whatever it was wouldn't be pleasant and I had no idea what I was expecting him to say, but that definitely wasn't it.

"O-okay," I stuttered, nodding my head quickly. "Okay." I felt stupid but I didn't really know how to respond. I turned back to my book, failing to read a single word on the page. My mind was too busy running through every scenario. Did he do this to himself? I felt like every answer he gave me opened up a mountain full of other questions and puzzles to figure out.

I sat there with my thoughts for longer than I realized before I closed the book and brought it to rest on my lap. Edward had fallen asleep in the chair, the remainder of his drink sloshing back and forth in his glass with each breath he took.

I stood up and set the book on the table beside me. After carefully removing the glass from Edward's hand I reached for a blanket sitting along the back of the couch and covered him up. I thought about waking him and making him go to bed, but I didn't want to disturb him.

I leaned down and examined his face again, running my fingers repeatedly over his scars. I held my breath as I inched closer and brushed my lips across his uneven skin. I ran my fingers through his hair as my lips lingered on his cheek. "Beautifully broken…" I whispered. "But beautiful none the less." I kissed his temple and checked on the fire before retreating back to my room to sleep. I was so exhausted that my eyes closed before my head even hit the pillow.

I thought I was dreaming it at first. The sounds I mean. I'd grown so used to him making it through the night without any commotion that I didn't believe it was real. The crash of the glass was loud and clear, echoing down the hallway from the library.

"Edward!" I shot out of bed and swung my legs over the side as I reached frantically for the light. "Edward!" I screamed again.

I darted out into the hallway and stumbled across the top of the stairs to the library. I pushed the library door open just as another glass crashed against the wall.

"Edward stop!" I rushed over to him and grabbed his arm.

"You can't fix me Bella!" He yelled. "I'm not okay!" His nostrils flared as he launched the glass at the wall. "I just want to be okay!" He tugged roughly on the ends of his hair and started pacing around the room.

I didn't understand what was happening. Everything had been going so well. I thought I was helping him. I guess everything I knew was wrong.

"I should have known that I couldn't escape it. They always come back. I…always see it in my head." He stopped in front of me and rubbed his eyes before looking down at me. "You make it better. God you make it so much fucking better, but I can't…it never goes away. I was stupid to think it could." He placed his hands on either side of my face as his shoulders heaved up and down.

"It's never going to go away." I shook my head, trying to hold back the tears that threatened to expose how deeply I felt for him. I didn't realize it until that moment, but he was quickly becoming a part of me. Almost like breathing. It wasn't always easy, but the thought of being without him was completely debilitating. "Something like that is never going to go away, but you don't have to do this alone. You don't. I'm here."

"You're not always going to be!" He screamed. "You're going to have to leave sometime Bella. You can't stay here forever."

"But I'm here now."

"I can't." He shook his head. "I'm not…I don't know what I'm doing."

I took a step towards him and placed my hand lightly on his chest. I fisted his shirt, twisting and pulling it in my hand as I brought him closer.

"I can't want you like this Bella…" He whispered. He took a deep breath and lifted his hand to my neck, almost close enough to touch my skin. "I'm not…good."

"I want you too," I murmured. "I want you to want me." I inched closer, brushing my nose along the scruff of his jaw. "Like this."

His hand wrapped around my neck and I was roughly forced back against the bookshelves. A few books tumbled down and landed on the floor with a thud.

My heart was racing, thumping loudly against my chest with each beat. I thought he was angry with me. His eyes were wild, burning with something so dark and deep that it was impossible to read.

He breathed hard through his nose as his eyes traveled down to my neck, where his fingers were pressed into my skin. I held my breath as they tightened, unsure of what he was doing. His fingers washed over my skin and down to my shoulder. It was tender and demanding at the same time, something I've never experienced before. He was the ultimate contradiction. Rough and soft.

My knees shook beneath me as his fingers skimmed across my chest and dipped between my breasts and he continued his path south. He settled on my hip before quickly grabbing my leg and bringing it up around his waist. He pressed his body against mine, trapping me between him and the books. I had nowhere to go and I still didn't know what was going on in his head.

I whimpered as he slid his body against mine. I could feel him hard, straining against his jeans as he moved. He forced my arms above my head, enveloping them in one hand as he shifted against me again. He lowered his face to mine, so close that I could feel his breath on me. The embers from the fire crackled and popped, casting flickers of light across his face. He glanced down at my lips like he was going to kiss me. I held my breath as he inched his lips towards mine. I closed my eyes, clenching my fingers around his hand as much as he allowed. I expected to feel his lips against mine. I wanted them on me. I wanted to feel him. Everywhere.

My eyes shot open as I felt him take my bottom lip between his teeth and pull. He was primal, raw. Not kissing me, but consuming me like I was a decadent meal. He groaned and continued down my neck, dragging his teeth along me. He began to move his fingers against my palm, pressing harder and slower with each pass. I couldn't help but think of how they would feel across my body.

I managed to wiggle one of my hands free from his grip and slinked it down his chest, reaching for the top of his jeans. He responded by pressing himself harder against me, stopping my hand at his stomach. My eyes rolled back in my head as a moan escaped my lips. I was surprised at how quickly I was coming undone against him.

"Harder," I whispered. He pressed himself against me again, forcing the stacks of shelves into my back. It was almost uncomfortable but I never would have asked him to stop. "Harder," I said again.

He pulled back and reached between us, grabbing me at the seam of my jeans. He shifted his palm up and down, rubbing it roughly against me.

"Fuck you're beautiful," he breathed. He released my hands and cupped my face, running his fingers across my open lips. I ran my fingers through his hair, gripping tightly at the nape of his neck and tilting his head back. I crashed into my release, shuddering and trembling against him as his name tumbled endlessly from my lips.

I smiled and closed my eyes, allowing my head to fall limply to his shoulder. I pressed my lips against his t-shirt as he slowly let me down to the floor. I dropped to my knees without hesitation and reached for the button on his jeans.

"What are you doing?" He asked, taking a small step back.

"I was…" I shook my head and reached for him again. "I mean you…" I nodded to his jeans.

"No." He took another step back. My heart sank and I felt so embarrassed. He didn't want me to.

"I'm sorry." I scrambled to my feet and started tugging on my shirt.

"Shit," he breathed. "Don't be sorry. It's not that I don't want you to okay?" He brushed my hair away from my cheek. "I just don't want to be that guy from before. Who I used to be. I don't want this to be just about that okay?"

"Then what is this about?" I looked up at him expectantly. He didn't answer. "Kiss me," I said.

"No," he denied me again.

I cowered back. I wanted him to kiss me. I mean really kiss me. That thing before…that biting thing was sexy as hell but I wanted something more. Edward sighed and ran his fingers through his hair before he turned around and started towards the door.

"Are you kidding me?" I yelled, following after him. He went down to his room, not bothering to answer my question. He stepped into the bathroom and started the shower as he pulled his shirt over his head. "You can just…get me off like its nothing, but you won't fucking kiss me?"

He stopped in the doorway and stretched his arms across the way, holding on tightly to the doorframe. "I didn't hear you complaining," he said, cocking his eyebrow at me. "And no I'm not going to kiss you. I don't want to kiss you when I'm angry Bella."

"And you're angry now?"

"Yeah you're starting to piss me off. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go jack off so my dick doesn't explode." He backed into the bathroom and slammed the door behind him.

"This conversation is not over…" I mumbled.

I sighed and looked around the room. It was still relatively clean, just a few things out of place. I noticed his yearbook that I'd looked at before sitting on the nightstand beside his bed. I grabbed it and started flipping through it to pass the time. I lingered on the page with Edward's picture, and James' picture. Something was pulling me to it and I didn't know why. Something was there.

My breath hitched in my throat when I saw it dangling from his neck. James wore a silver chain as a necklace with a razor blade hanging on the end.

"Oh God…" I whispered, tears starting to form behind my eyes. James did this to him. He hurt him. I was so absorbed in my thoughts that I didn't hear the bathroom door open.

"Bella? What's wrong?" Edward rubbed his hair with his towel and started towards the bed.

"He did this to you didn't he?" I cried, holding up the book. "James. He cut you." The book fell from my trembling fingers as I started sobbing. I didn't know why I was so affected. I guess I couldn't fathom that level of evil in one person. He killed Edward's parents and maimed him. I couldn't understand it.

A moment later Edward's arms were wrapped around me, comforting me for his pain. "Yes," he answered. He pulled the covers up around us as he laid us down in the bed. I cried into his chest for everything he went through and everything he's going through because of that man.

And just like that it stopped. I stopped crying. He still held me close, both of us sitting in the silence of the room trying to decide where to go from here. The lingering static from our kind-of fight and my almost breakdown was suffocating.

"I went to my parents room after it happened," Edward said after a while. He brushed his lips over my forehead, all traces of anger and hostility gone. "I saw my mother lying in bed, covered in her own blood and I…didn't know what was happening. I stumbled back over my father's body and that's when I saw him. James." He started playing with a strand of my hair, staring at it like his mind was somewhere else. "I screamed when he dragged the blade across my face. Over and over again. But no one heard me. And all he did was laugh."

I pulled myself onto his lap.

"I must have passed out from shock. The next thing I remember is waking up in the hospital feeling like I was suffocating from all of the bandages over my face. The police came in to tell me what I already knew, that my parents were gone. The perpetrators were gone. I was the only one left and my face had been sliced to hell."

I sniffled and wrapped my arms around his neck. "I'm sorry." He turned towards me, brushing his nose against my cheek.

"Part of me used to think I deserved it," he whispered.

"And now?"

He looked down at my lips before sweeping up to meet my eyes again. "I'm starting to think everything I knew was wrong."

"Edward," I mumbled. I caressed his cheek and inched my lips towards his. He could deny me before, but I refused to let him deny me this. I wanted to kiss him.

"Bella…" he warned.

"Please." I ran my finger over his lips and closed my eyes as he pressed his lips against mine. His lips were soft, moving slow and tender against mine. I felt all of him in it, the kind and gentle man mixed with the ferocious unpredictable bastard. And I knew in that moment that everything had changed.

He pulled back, a small smirk playing on his lips, before he kissed me again and pushed me down into the bed.

"Can I stay here with you?" I asked.

He didn't say anything. He just sat up and turned off the lamp beside his bed before he laid back down beside me. "Good night pretty girl."

I smiled and snuggled into his pillow, drowning in his scent.

When I woke up in the morning, I was laying across his bare chest. It rose and fell with each deep breath that he took, still deep in sleep.

I tried to sneak away without disturbing him, but I should have known better.

"Where are you going?" He asked, his eyes still closed.

"I'm hungry."

He held up one finger and rolled over to his side, reaching into the cabinet under his nightstand. He pulled out the missing box of Lucky Charms and I gasped.

"You! You've been hoarding them!"

"You were eating all of them, I had to," he laughed. He stopped instantly, almost like he'd been caught stealing cookies from the cookie jar.

"It's okay to laugh Edward." I laid down beside him and dug a handful of cereal from the box.

He shook his head and started eating. He held the box close to his chest, stealing glances at me every now and then. I reached for another handful, but he pulled it away. I narrowed my eyes at him and cleared my throat. He smirked and reached his hand inside. He pulled out a single marshmallow and turned towards me.

"Open," he demanded.

I shook my head.

"Open." He inched closer and brushed his nose against my cheek. I slowly opened my mouth and he slipped the marshmallow inside. I was quick to close my lips around his finger before he could sneak them out. He watched, fascinated as I kissed the tips of his fingers.

I whimpered as he threw the box aside and rolled on top of me. I couldn't say I'd ever been so excited about a round two of dry-humping.

He settled his elbows on either side of my head before dipping his head down, past my chest to my stomach. He grabbed onto my shirt and pulled it up a little, exposing the scar I'd shown him before. He leaned down and swiped his tongue across it as I laced my fingers through his hair, edging him on. His fingers played idly with the waistband on my sweatpants, pushing deeper and deeper each time.

"You know," he mumbled against my skin. "We should probably go see if Jasper's awake before he barges in here."

"What?" I sat up on my elbows. "Why are you stopping?"

"I think he might pour bleach in his eyes if he walks in on anything else."

I smacked his shoulder as he rolled off the bed. "That was mean."

He laughed under his breath and disappeared into the bathroom. I got up and went to my room to make sure I was presentable…which basically means I put a bra on.

I didn't wait for Edward to go downstairs. Jasper was in the kitchen cooking something on the stove.

"Good morning," I said.

"Good morning."

"Good morning," Edward said, stepping into the room.

"Good morning." Jasper eyed the two of us suspiciously and took a sip of his coffee before he spoke. "Do I need to Lysol something?"

"Excuse me?" I asked.

"The only good morning from Edward is when he got laid the night before."

Edward snorted from his seat at the table.

"He did not get laid." I turned towards Edward. "You did not get laid." I turned back towards Jasper. "He did not get laid." I don't know why but I still felt like we got caught. I could almost feel my face turning red.

Jasper stepped towards me and his brow furrowed in confusion. "You've got a...purple horseshoe in your hair." He picked the marshmallow from the top of my head and tossed it into the sink. "So…" He sipped his coffee again. "Did you find the…gold at the end of the rainbow?"

Edward laughed again from behind me and I stomped off out of the room, completely embarrassed. I went up to my room and took a shower. I discovered a red balloon and orange star in my shirt and plucked them in my mouth. When I was finished, I cautiously went back downstairs.

Jasper was alone in the kitchen, reading a book at the table with a new steaming cup of coffee.

"Hey," I mumbled, tugging at my shirt.

"Hey." He looked up and smiled. I sat down across from him. "I'm sorry, if I embarrassed you earlier."

"You didn't," I lied.

"Yes I did."

"Where's Edward?"

"Went for a run," Jasper said.

I looked out the window towards the forest and wondered if he was visiting his parents again.

"Hey I wanted to ask you something…" He cleared his throat and started playing with his cup.

"That girl…that you were with at the grocery store…"

"Alice."

"Alice. Is she…does she…is she seeing someone?"

"Not to my knowledge but I have been practically off the planet for the last couple of months out here with you. For all I know she could have eloped in Vegas with the man from the Armani ads she loves."

"Do you think maybe I could ask her out? I mean when you leave?"

I smiled. "I think that'd be a good idea." Alice could be good for him. Jasper was so used to living his life for Edward that I was fairly sure he didn't do much for himself. I don't want to say Alice was the complete opposite, she wasn't selfish. Alice was just Alice, loud and opinionated and confident. They would balance each other out perfectly.

Jasper and I talked for the next half hour until Edward came in the back door, a rose twirling between his fingers. He smiled so big that his scars were barely noticeable at all. All I could see was him and how happy he was. Was he happy? Was he on his way back from the hell he'd been living in all this time? My heart swelled at the thought of him like that.

"Hi," I said, biting down on my lip.

"Hi." He handed me the rose. "Will you have dinner with me tonight?"

A/N: *cue Mrs. Pots and her singing*

Thank you for reading : ) I had a blast on Spring Break. Just a few announcements:

- My entry for the Love Is In The Air contest won 2nd places in the voter's poll so thank you so much to everyone for reading and reviewing and voting. If you missed it while it was in the contest, or just want to read it again, I've posted it to my page. It's called To The Moon and Back and features NASAward. : )

-I announced the winners from the One Shot Soundtrack last night on my blog, so you should check that out to see their blinkies : ) Congrats to ALL the authors on doing such a tremendous job with it.

Thanks again for all your reviews, reccs ect. Beastward loves you...well kinda.