Car chases were a staple of life in downtown Gotham. Every night, sirens wailed in a shrill chorus as one of Gotham's infinite supply of ne'er-do-wells did his or her best to avoid the humiliation of being dragged off to jail like a naughty puppy.
Of course, the most dangerous chases weren't accompanied by sirens, but by the blowtorch roar of the Batmobile ripping down the street like a living shadow. When Batman chased the bad guys, mechanics and lamppost vendors everywhere rejoiced.
A light green car, stained sickly yellow by the streetlights, drifted around a curve and accelerated down the cold, empty street. The Batmobile thundered after it, sailing deftly between the ever-present construction barricades as it followed its prey onto the busy interstate.
The sun peeked over the horizon like a shy doe wondering if that man in the funny plaid hat could be trusted. Jackie, eyes narrowed in concentration, yanked the car into a U-turn, propelling the little car wildly between the cars passing in both directions. The passengers, most of whom were used to dealing with death on a semi-daily basis, screeched in unison as the car jounced into the air above the median and landed facing the stream of traffic.
"You're going the wrong way!" Eddie shouted, hanging on to the door handle with both hands as they wove between the oncoming vehicles. In the backseat, Grief huddled into a tiny ball, covering his face with his hands in a rather unorthodox addition to the standard crash position. Sorrow frantically tried to buckle a seatbelt that hadn't seemed nearly so important when they'd leaped into the car.
"We're fine," Jackie snapped, in the face of all the evidence, and spun the car so that it was going somewhat in the correct direction down the crowded road. They swerved and skidded along, passing everyone that got in their way.
Jackie was not a happy henchgirl. Being chased by Batman was bad enough. Being chased by Batman with two unwelcome rogueish guests freaking out behind her was worse - particularly since they might tag along all the way to South Carolina, where she was supposed to be having a romantic vacation with Eddie. The fact that the two interlopers had literally led Batman right to them wasn't winning them any points with her, either.
"Who taught you how to drive?" Sorrow shrieked as they came within inches of crushing a pair of leather-clad motorcyclists.
"My father!" Jackie growled. "Not that it's any of your business." The landscape around them blurred as the car shot forward like a pinball on a rickety table.
"Hold on!" Eddie suggested in a high-pitched squeal as they lurched between a semi and a tiny sports car.
"Do you have a problem with my driving?" Jackie snarled, shooting a poisonous glare at him.
"No," Eddie lied, clinging to the handle and bracing himself with a foot on the dashboard. "You're doing a great job! Really! Look out for that truck! Fantastic!" he added as her eyebrows lowered like a threatening storm cloud. "You're a wonderful driver the trailer don't hit the trailer!"
Jackie scowled darkly at him and forced the car onto the nearest off-ramp. They whizzed onto the city streets, tires squealing, and powered through the traffic at a speed that promised slightly less death. "There," she muttered. "Satisfied?"
"At least we got away from the Batman," Sorrow said optimistically. A grappling hook shot by her window as the car swerved to the left. "Or not."
"What?" Jackie looked in the rearview mirror to see the Batmobile shouldering its way through traffic toward them. "Ohnonononono," she groaned, trying to weasel into the fast lane to the left. Images flew through her head - being arrested by Batman. Going to jail. Going to prison. Going to Arkham.
An intersection packed with huge construction equipment loomed ahead. She spun the wheel to the left, aiming for the only clear path in sight. The car rocked up onto two wheels as they whipped around a bulldozer.
"You can't go into a construction zone!" wailed Eddie as they bounced down the shattered remnants of the road.
"Watch me!"
The car hopped along the remains of the broken road like a kangaroo with a piece of gum stuck to its foot. Jackie spared a glance at the rearview mirror. No headlights. Good, they hadn't been followed. She triumphantly yanked the car into a side alley that looked fairly safe. In fact, it looked like it had been newly resurfaced!
Unfortunately, the smooth, gleaming surface of the alley turned out to be ancient asphalt coated with enough spilled oil to deep-fry the Batsignal. All four rogues screamed as the car skidded down the alley, ramming trash cans and fire escape ladders, and exploded onto the street like a rocket from a malfunctioning bazooka. The oil-slicked tires spun uselessly on the pavement as they neared the wall.
Crunch!
There was a moment of quivering, panic-loaded silence. Then, one by one, they opened their eyes to see a torrent of water shooting directly up and over their vehicle. Water began to pour down, obscuring the windows with thick rivulets of liquid.
They tumbled out of the car. Directly in front of them, wedged under one bumper, was an ancient, rusty fire hydrant. The force of the impact had snapped it cleanly in half.
"You..." Sorrow stammered. "You...you..."
"We're all alive, aren't we?" snapped Jackie, humiliated. "Get back in the car and I'll drive us-"
"NO!" yelped three voices in unison.
"Fine," Jackie grumbled. "You drive." She threw the keys at Sorrow.
Sorrow caught them and held them up as if she was examining a dead fish. "I don't drive," she said, tossing the keys to Grief.
They hit him in the chest and slid to the ground, disappearing under a bubbling stream of water. "I...she...truck..." he spluttered.
"He's out," Eddie sighed, scooping up the keys. "I'll drive."
They packed back into the car, Jackie sulking in the passenger seat, and slowly backed out of the deluge. Fortunately, aside from a missing front bumper and a severe case of Leaky Sunroof, the car didn't seem to be too badly damaged.
That is, it wasn't too badly damaged until a passing car driven by a certain pointy-eared vigilante rammed into the trunk. The little green car spun like a top and settled, steaming, into a puddle.
The Batmobile drew up behind them and glided to a menacing halt. Eddie, eyes glued to the rearview mirror, tightened his fingers on the steering wheel.
"Uh, Eddie..." Sorrow said uncertainly. "Go, maybe?" The top of the Batmobile slid open. "Eddie?" Batman rose from his car like Dracula from his coffin. "Eddie he's getting closer!" Batman was almost to their back bumper. "EDDIE!" Sorrow wailed.
With a grim look of concentration on his face, Eddie stomped on the gas. The car shot forward, sending a spray of water over the vigilante. They roared down the little street, purposefully fishtailing in the hope that it would keep a grappling hook from -
Chunk!
...from lodging in the ruins of their trunk and launching Batman at them like a fish on a line. Sorrow and Grief ducked down into the meager floor space and watched tensely as Batman eased himself up the back windshield and onto the roof.
"He's right above us!" Jackie whispered in a thin, shrill voice of absolute terror.
"Not for long," Eddie growled, swerving around a terrified pedestrian.
Suddenly their view was filled with dark, scowling Bat. A black fist slammed into the windshield, sending spiderweb cracks over the entire surface. Two furious eyes under their black cowl scowled menacingly at the Riddler.
Eddie tipped his hat politely. "Batman!" he shouted. "What's blue and gets rid of corpses?"
Batman paused, one hand drawn back to deliver another forceful punch to the windshield. The Riddler yanked a lever and twin streams of an unidentified liquid shot out of the car. Instinctively, Batman tucked and rolled away, leaving the liquid to splatter uselessly where he'd been.
"What was that?" Jackie panted, craning her head back to see Batman rapidly receding behind them.
"Windshield washer fluid," Eddie shrugged, yanking the car back onto the expressway. "Good thing he's used to the Joker spraying acid everywhere, hmm?"
"Yeah," muttered Sorrow bitterly as she clambered back into her seat. "Thank goodness the Joker's a complete lunatic."
The battered little car disappeared into the flow of early-morning commuters.
Robin was not a bad kid. Bad kids don't make it into that coveted red outfit (or if they do, they tend to get blown to pieces by the Joker). This Robin, aka Tim Drake, was a nice boy. He helped little old ladies across the street, he did his chores without being asked, and he knew how to kick a criminal's teeth in using seventeen distinct martial arts styles.
Martial arts was not on his list of things to do that evening, however. He'd been asked - well, ordered, really - to sit on a rooftop and watch the comings and goings from a certain warehouse near the interstate. So far, the entire night's notes consisted of a pizza guy and a wobblingly immense woman delivering Chinese food, and they had both been gone by nine. He wasn't surprised. After all, who in their right mind would go outside in the middle of a blisteringly cold Gotham night?
He shifted his shoulders against the icy stone of his hidey-hole and recrossed his legs for the thousandth time, trying to squeeze into what little space the decorative archway afforded him. In his lap, shielded by his cape, a little rectangular screen glowed in the dim morning light.
Da-da-da-da-Da-da-da-da-Da! trilled the device, accompanied by the pained snorts of disappointed pigs and the triumphant cheers of tiny birds. Irritated Avians wasn't technically on his to-do list for that night, either, but it certainly made the long chilly hours go by faster.
The triangular birds and fat green pigs abruptly disappeared from his screen to be replaced with Batman's scowling face. "The Riddler and Sorrow are headed your way," he said gruffly. "Take them down."
"Sure," Robin said, giving his full attention to his mentor. "What are they driving?"
"Green sedan, small, crumpled trunk, missing front bumper, cracked windshield," Batman snapped. Below him, unnoticed, a small green sedan with extensive damage to both ends politely took its turn easing onto the off-ramp.
"I'm on it!" Robin declared, uncoiling into an attentive standing position as Batman disappeared from his screen. He glanced down at the road below to see not a single green car in sight. His gear was ready, he was poised for action, and...well, if they weren't here yet, surely he could play just a little more of his game...
Da-da-da-da-Da-da-da-da-Da!
(to be continued)