S.M. owns Twilight. I own a Beauty and the Beast blanket that is one of my favorite things in this world. kdillin betas Beastward for you guys : ) The song "Hate Me" by Blue October was MAJOR inspiration for this chapter in particular.

We quietly celebrated New Years with Jasper and had an amazing couple of days. It felt like whatever had always been weighing Edward down was somehow gone, but I wasn't stupid enough to believe this was a permanent fix. I noticed him slipping back into his depression and mood swings, mostly in the night during his sleep. It started out with just mumbling and progressed to full on screaming again. I was there to wake him up right away, but it killed me that they were coming back. It was something I couldn't protect him from no matter what I did. He had to work past his demons before they were going to leave him alone. I couldn't do it for him. He had to do it and I wasn't entirely sure he knew how.

I felt his arms tighten around me and my eyes shot open. I could feel his breath, warm and short against my neck as he started squirming in his sleep. I took a deep breath and sighed into the darkness of the room. His arms tightened again, almost too tight around my ribs.

"Edward," I said. I carefully tried to pull his hands from me, but he was gripping so tightly that I was afraid he was going to hurt me.

His breathing picked up, almost like he was running a marathon and I was kind of glad I couldn't see his face right now. I could imagine it was scrunched up, knitted in pain and terror. His face was probably dripping with sweat as he faced whatever images were playing in his head.

He relaxed for the slightest moment and I took the opportunity to turn in his vice grip to face him. "Edward," I said, putting my hands gently on his face. Despite the fact that he was sleeping right now, the dark circles under his eyes were pronounced. The last few nights had been particularly difficult.

I had to be careful about waking him in the middle of one of these nightmares. He could turn violent without even realizing it just because I scared him. Three nights ago he pushed me back so harshly that I fell off the bed and knocked into his dresser. When he finally woke up and saw what he'd done, he nearly lost it. He said he'd never be able to live with himself if he hurt me, intentional or not. I made a promise to myself that night to be vigilant and learn how to deal with his nightmares instead of always trying to immediately get him out of them. I didn't want him to hate himself over something he couldn't control.

"Bella," he mumbled. I could tell he wasn't awake yet, but his eyelids fluttered a little. I leaned into him and brushed my cheek against his.

"Edward come back to me. Everything's okay," I whispered into his ear. He shivered a little and pulled me closer to his body. "Come on baby." I ran my fingers through his hair, hoping the gentle action would wake him up peacefully.

"I didn't know," he murmured. "I didn't know he would…" He trailed off and woke with a start. His eyes were wide and panicked, but he didn't push me away. His shoulders heaved up and down as he tried to regain control over his breathing. He looked down at his hands engulfing my waist and instantly pulled them back as if I'd shocked him with some kind of painful electric current. "Did I hurt you?"

"No you didn't hurt me," I sighed. I grabbed his hands and put them back where they were. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah."

"What were you dreaming about?" I always asked him this after he woke up, but he rarely responded. Edward didn't talk about things unless he wanted to and he seemed most hesitant to talk about his past. I knew bits and pieces but I didn't know everything. I knew James murdered his parents. I knew James did those horrible things to his face. I knew Edward had slept with James' girlfriend and probably pissed him off. But there was something else that I was missing.

"My last day at school…before…" He shook his head. "I pissed James off more than usual and he threatened me. I should have known."

"Edward you could not have known. No matter what you did to him or he thought you did to him, nobody could have predicted he would have lashed out the way he did. You can't blame yourself for not seeing it."

"You didn't know him Bella. I always knew he was…off, but I kept pushing his buttons anyway. Just for entertainment. I got off on watching people squirm and I pushed him too far."

"I wish you'd tell me what you did." It was more of a statement than a question because I didn't expect him to answer me.

"I stole his customers." Edward looked up at the ceiling like he was ashamed to look at me.

"What do you mean customers?"

He fell silent and closed his eyes.

"Edward." I sat up on my elbows and hovered above him.

"Drugs okay!" He pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed.

"Oh God," I whispered. I didn't understand. I knew Edward was a bad kid, but I didn't think he was involved in anything like that.

"Being a doctor's son had its advantages," he said softly. "It wasn't anything hardcore Bella, don't look at me like I'm a drug addict."

"So what was it then?"

"Things like Adderall, painkillers. I knew enough of my father's staff to get what I needed…one way or another." He cleared his throat and refused to look at me. I didn't want to know what he meant by that.

"Did you take them too?"

"Sometimes. Mostly I just started selling them to people at school. Until then James was the only dealer at school. Everyone liked me better than him so naturally they started buying from me instead. I didn't do it for the money, I didn't need it. I just wanted…"

"To be better than him?"

He shrugged and I lay back in bed. "You really were a dumbass in high school weren't you?"

"Yeah," he answered honestly.

"Did you ever do anything more than just pills?" I asked, almost afraid to know the answer. I knew how it could be in those high-class academies. Behind the preppy façade there were more drugs, alcohol and sex than any public school.

"I did coke twice. I hated it both times and never did it again."

I sucked in a sharp breath and held it until I started feeling dizzy. I guess I was trying to process everything. Edward must have taken my silence as something else. He swung his legs over the edge of the bed and started rocking back and forth, pulling at his hair and mumbling something under his breath.

"Edward?" I crawled across the bed and cautiously put my hand on his shoulder. I leaned closer so I could hear what he was saying.

Please don't hate me.

Tears prickled behind my eyes and my teeth dug so sharply into my bottom lip that I could taste my own blood. I pulled his hands from his hair and crawled into his lap. He wrapped his arms around me and rocked us both together, still muttering to himself. Or to me. I couldn't help but feel like he was talking to me.

"Please don't hate me, please don't hate me…" He whispered. I forced his face up, but his eyes were somewhere behind me, completely distant.

"I could never hate you," I said. "Edward, I will never hate you."

"O-okay," he stammered. I could see the tears threatening from his eyes, but he refused to let them fall.

"Do you want some water?" I asked. He nodded. I kissed his cheek and stood up. "I'll be right back."

I got up and crossed the room, closing the door softly behind me. I shivered and wrapped my arms around myself. As I walked downstairs, I noticed the snow falling outside. It seemed a little heavier than it has been lately and I realized how weird it is not to have a weather forecast. I'll have no idea when the weather will start getting nice. Sure we'll have the date to give us an idea, but I could wake up one day and the snow could be gone. And I'd have to leave, at least for a little while to square things away back in town. It scared me.

I grabbed a glass and filled it as I watched the snow swirl around outside. In the distance I could see Jasper's house, dark and still in the cold.

I went back upstairs and quietly opened Edward's bedroom door, only to find him asleep on his bed. He seemed peaceful so I didn't want to bother him. I set the glass of water down on the nightstand beside him. I couldn't help but wonder if he still took the pills…or even had them. I could imagine that he himself had been prescribed something for pain after what happened to his face, but did he have more than he should? Would he even tell me where they were or would he be too embarrassed?

I didn't want to control every aspect of his life, but I felt like if he truly wanted to move on from the things that have happened to him then he needs to get rid of all the remnants of his old life. This was just one of them.

I slipped back out of his room and grabbed a sweatshirt from my room. I put on some boots and skipped downstairs as I pulled my hood up over my head. I shivered as I pushed the door open and stepped out into the cold. I hated waking Jasper up like this, but I needed to know and I trusted that he would tell me.

The snow was heavy and became more difficult to walk in with each step. I could feel it getting into my boots; with the ice cold hitting against my skin.

I finally reached Jasper's house and started knocking on his door. It took a few times before I saw a light flicker on inside. He opened the door and ran his fingers through his bed-head of hair. "Bella?" He leaned against the door. "Is everything alright?" He glanced outside and ushered me. "It's freezing out there, what the hell are you doing?"

"I need to ask you something and I need you to be honest with me."

"Okay."

"Does he still take the pills?"

"Which ones?"

"Any of them."

He sighed and started pacing around the room. "I haven't seen him high off of them in over two years but I don't know if he still has some. I don't think he's taking them at all if that's what you're asking."

"He said he mostly sold right?"

"He told you."

"He told me most of it."

"He used casually, but it was never something I was overly concerned about."

"And the cocaine, were you overly concerned about that?"

"Yeah I was," he said, suddenly defensive. "And I kicked his ass about it the day I found out about it. Told everyone he got in a bar fight, but I gave him that black eye."

"I'm sorry I didn't mean to…" I closed my eyes. "I didn't mean to upset you, I just wanted to make sure I knew…"

"He was never a drug addict Bella. It was just the way things were in high school."

"Why did you stay with him? I mean you're his best friend, but you seem so different. It doesn't make sense."

"I already told you he wasn't always like this." Jasper smiled and sat down on his bed. "He was actually fun to be around before his…transformation or whatever you want to call it. I couldn't just abandon him…especially after I found out about the cocaine."

"Why?"

"Because my mother was an addict and I couldn't save her. After she was gone, I couldn't leave him. I couldn't lose him like I lost her so I just…stay here."

"He's not your responsibility Jasper. You deserve more than this half-life."

"So does he."

"Okay if he had any more pills where would they be?"

"Probably in his medicine cabinet or maybe in the cabinet beside his bed. There's a secret compartment. We used to hide flasks from his father in there." A smile tinged his face as he remembered. "I'll come with you. He's going to be pissed."

"He's asleep."

"Ha," Jasper said. "We'll see how long that lasts."

Jasper threw on a sweatshirt and we trudged back to the house. I tried to be as quiet as possible as I went back into Edward's room. He was still asleep as we both slipped inside. Jasper went to the bathroom and turned on the light. He closed the door slightly to shield most of the light from coming into the room, but it was enough so I could at least see.

I crouched down beside Edward's bed and felt around for the compartment Jasper had mentioned. I felt the lines in the wood and pushed up. It released a small box into my hands and I carefully pulled it down and out of the cabinet, glancing over at Edward to make sure he was still asleep.

I winced as I heard the pill bottle roll back and forth. I looked inside the small box and saw two pill bottles with no labels. Jasper returned with three more from the bathroom and handed them to me.

"They were pretty dusty, I don't think they've been used in awhile," he whispered.

"These too."

"Are you going to wake him up?" He nodded to Edward.

"No we'll talk in the morning. He seems happy right now." I smiled down at Edward and hoped that he wouldn't be too mad about what we'd done. I didn't want to cross a line, but he had no reason to keep these around. It was just a temptation and it wasn't the thing he needed staring him in the face every day. I believed him that he wasn't using anymore, but these were a crutch, a security blanket. If things went really badly for whatever reason, I don't want him to have these to fall back on. He was never going back there again and I was going to make sure of it. I wasn't sure Edward would see it that way, but I was doing this for him. I lined the pills up on the table and crawled back into bed. I fell into a deep sleep and stayed that way until morning.

When I woke up, Edward wasn't beside me. He was sitting at the edge of the bed, leaning forward onto his elbows staring at the row of pill bottles.

"Where'd you get those?" He asked.

"Your bathroom. And the compartment under your nightstand."

"Jasper told you." He sounded like he was trying to hold it together. He cursed under his breath and buried his head in his hands.

"This isn't Jasper's fault."

"So it's my fault that I need them."

"I didn't say it was your fault. And you don't need them Edward. We both know you haven't taken them in a long time. I get it."

"You don't," he said, his teeth clenched. "You don't get it!" He screamed. He launched himself off the bed and flung the pills off the table. "I need to have them. They remind me…"

"Why the hell would you want something to remind you of that?" I stood up and crossed my arms. "You're not going to forget what happened to you because they're gone."

"What if I need them?" He asked. I knew he was grasping for something, anything to keep them. He knew just as well as me that he didn't need them.

"You don't."

"You don't…know that!" He came at me and for the slightest moment I was scared. I backed up until I hit the wall and had nowhere to go. He slammed his hands on either side of me and looked me up and down. His nostrils flared as he spoke. "I would never hurt you," he whispered, a contradiction to his fierce stare.

"I…I know," I stuttered. Despite how angry he was with me, I could still feel the intense attraction between us. Like some kind of freak static connection regardless of how we felt towards each other at that very moment. It was suffocating in the best kind of way.

I ran my fingers along his forearms and pushed my hips slightly against his, just wanting him closer. He groaned and shook his head, almost like he was telling himself 'no.'

"Can you just….get out. I need some time." He looked down at the floor.

I glanced down at the pills on the floor and wondered if I should take them with me.

"I'm not going to take them," he let out a sigh of annoyance and stepped back from me. I lingered for one more moment, deciding whether or not to believe him even though I knew deep down I already did.

I nodded and left the room, closing the door behind me. I heard Jasper downstairs and I wondered if he heard Edward's tantrum. I figured if he did, he would have been upstairs in an instant to bitch him out for it.

"Good morning," he said as I walked into the kitchen.

"Humph," I groaned. I pulled myself up onto the bar stool and laid my head down.

"So how'd it go?"

"He threw the bottles across the room."

"That's it?" He turned and smiled. "So it went well."

I laughed a little, but I still felt horrible. "He told me to get out," I said.

"Don't take it too personally. He usually wants to be alone when he has one of his fits like that. He was probably just embarrassed that he still had them and that you found out. It's just something he has to deal with. Step…whatever number we're on to getting his life back."

"Yeah I guess so. I just hate that I make him angry sometimes."

"Angry is at least an emotion Bella. All those times before when he threw fits, it was almost like he was trying to feel something. Desperate to feel angry even. He never got that until you got here."

"Fantastic."

"Look…" He turned around and opened the highest cabinet. He pushed aside some boxes of oatmeal and pulled out a fresh, never opened box of Lucky Charms. It was like pirate treasure around here these days.

"How has he not found that?"

"I put it behind the oatmeal," he laughed. "There's no sugar in that so I figured it would repel him like those weird bug lights." He set the box down. "Besides I was saving it for his benefit. I knew he would need it at some point and he's too much of an eager asshole to save any of his boxes himself."

I smiled and took the box into my arms.

"Give him some time, maybe go take a shower or something…he'll be alright." Jasper winked and started back out to his house.

I did as Jasper said and took some time to myself. When I'd done about everything that I could do in this house to give Edward some time, I went back to his room.

I took a deep breath and pushed the door open, expecting to see him sitting on the bed. I panicked a little when the room seemed empty. The light was on in the bathroom so I cautiously tiptoed across the floor and peeked inside.

I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw him. He was sitting beside the toilet, the bottles lined up before him on the floor. He picked up one, opened it and dumped the pills in the toilet before flushing it. His eyes were red around the rims and I could tell that he'd been crying. He sniffled and looked up at me, his eyes full of sadness and despair. I knew what he was saying, asking me without one single word.

I sat down beside him and took his hand in mine before speaking to him. "I don't hate you."

A/N: Thank you so so much for reading and reviewing and all the reccs you guys give out. It means a lot to me. I told ya that the last chapter was probably going to be the most fluff and I tell no lies haha : )

Just a few quick announcements:

-ImHereToReview and I have announced the winners of the Quickie Contest. You can find them and their banners on my blog (link on my profile)

-My review of City of Ashes, the second book in the Mortal Instruments Series, is up on Fic Talk so if you're a fan of the series you should definitely check it out : ) www(dot)fic-talk(dot)com

-Also please go check out The Lemonade Stand because I've grown to love these ladies and I want their site to do well (not that they really need my help, they're doing amazing on their own). They give out new fic recs every week voted on by YOU! See, you are special ;) www(dot)tehlemonadestand(dot)blogspot(dot)com

-I'm also working on a new project behind the scenes while I write LLW. On a scale of GSM to SL, its probably a lot more like GSM. It's called the Roommate and I've been having a lot of fun with it so far. Here's a little preview of what's to come with that:

A sound echoed from down the hallway, coming from the bedroom formerly known as Angela's. I peeked my head around the corner and saw a shadow move across the doorway.
"He's here already?" I whispered.
"Yeah. He didn't have much…Good thing the living and dining room furniture was mostly yours or you'd have an empty apartment." She leaned in close and smirked. "I'm not going to lie. He's really hot."
"Really?" I squeaked.
"I mean I know you're kinda-sorta dating Paul, but there will be a gorgeous guy sleeping not twenty feet from you. I say you should take advantage of it. I don't think he has a girlfriend."
I peeked my head into the hallway again. Now I was fucking curious as to who this knight in shining armor was. Angela was right, I had been on a few dates with this guy I met at the bookstore. He was nice…but that was about it. Nice. The only guy I'd ever been serious with was my boyfriend from high school and that was a fucking train wreck. He was the only person I ever really loved and it didn't end well. If I never saw him again it would be too soon. Way too soon.
"Here let me introduce you." Angela smiled and skipped down the hallway, pulling me behind her. I popped my sucker into my mouth and took a deep breath as we stepped into the room. "Bella this is your new roommate." He was turned away from me, shrugging out of his leather jacket. He set it on the bed and ran his fingers through his messy bronze hair and turned towards me. As soon as I saw his face, I inhaled a sharp breath and started choking on my sucker.
I doubled over and started hacking until it popped out onto the floor and rolled towards his feet. "Shit!" I whispered, not wanting to look him in the eye. This is not happening Bella. You're hallucinating. The only reason you see his face right now is because you were just thinking about him.
"I'd know that gag reflex anywhere," he teased.
My fists clenched at my sides as I straightened back up. "Fuck," I mumbled. I wasn't hallucinating. He was here. Right in front of me. The only boy I'd ever loved and the one I never wanted to see again.
"This is…" Angela started.
"Edward fucking Cullen what are you doing in my apartment?" I yelled.