S.M. owns Twilight. kdillin betas Beastward : )

Bella

Time began to move faster and slower all at the same time. I was beginning to forget how long I'd been here. I was starting to wonder why I wasn't feeling trapped up here. Being cooped up like this wasn't normal, yet this was how Jasper and Edward lived every winter. And now it was my reality…for now at least.

"What are you thinking about?" Edward brushed my hair away from my face as I stared out the window. The sun was hanging low in the sky outside, shining brighter than it had in awhile. Winter was almost at its end. I could tell by the slight drops of melted snow slinking down the glass of the window.

Edward sighed when I didn't answer and kissed my cheek. "It's just teasing you," he whispered. "We'll get at least two more blizzards before it really starts to melt."

"I'm scared of not being here," I said.

"Why?"

"Because it feels like…home here. I know who I am here Edward."

"And who are you?" He pulled my shoulder back so I was flat against the bed and hovered above me. He leaned down and started sucking lightly on my neck.

"I'm yours."

"You are. But you're more than that Bella." He pulled back and placed his elbows on either side of me as he rested against my body.

"Am I?"

"You see through me when everyone else sees a monster." He shook his head. "You're stronger than you think, smarter. And you're more beautiful…"

"Laying on the compliments huh?" I cocked my eyebrow.

"I don't give them often so they must be true." He reached over to the nightstand and took a sip of his drink.

"I wish you wouldn't drink so much Edward, it's unnecessary," I mumbled.

He smirked and took another sip.

"You can't make me someone else. Just because I'm…different doesn't mean I'm not me."

I reached up to kiss him. "You're stronger than you think," I said, smirking. "Smarter. And you're more beautiful…" I kissed the side of his mouth and along his scars, memorizing them for the hundredth time with my lips.

I laid back down and closed my eyes. We'd spent the whole day in bed with each other, just sleeping and holding onto each other. I really needed to get up and shower, but I didn't want to leave his bed. It was just a fucking bed, but I didn't want to be anywhere else but here with him.

"You never told me…" He whispered.

"Never told you what?" I asked.

"Why you were going to Europe?"

I sighed and laced my fingers through his. "When you go to college, they make you believe that your life is just going to…work out. You're going to decide exactly what you want to do with your life and as soon as you graduate you'll find a fantastic job because you're a college graduate." I smiled sadly. "Well, it didn't work that way for me. I got the college experience, but didn't get any closer to what I wanted to do with my life."

"What did you want to be when you were younger?" He asked.

"When I was five, I wanted to be a ballerina," I laughed. He wrapped his fingers around my waist and started rubbing his finger in small circles around my hipbone. "When I was ten, I wanted to be a female astronaut. Twelve was a lawyer. And by the time people were seriously asking me what I wanted to do with my life, I started drawing a blank. Suddenly a ballerina, or an astronaut, or a lawyer just weren't it." I shook my head. "And so I went to college and thought maybe I'd find it there and I didn't. So I moved back with my dad."

"But doesn't not knowing mean you can do anything?"

"I just want to find my place in this world Edward," I sniffled and felt a tear slip down my cheek. "People who know what they want don't realize how lucky they are." I sighed and cursed myself for being so emotional. "I don't even know why I'm crying, it's stupid."

"It's not stupid Bella." He pressed his lips against mine and hummed against my skin. "Why Europe?" He murmured.

"I don't know." I shrugged.

"Was it because of the history?" He nuzzled my neck. "Or the spectacular buildings?" He kissed my collarbone. "Or were you looking for some guy to sweep you off your feet and whisper beautiful words in your ear just to get one night with you?"

I shivered at his touch and laughed nervously. He brushed his nose up my skin until it rested right below my ear.

"Je n'ai jamais rencontré une femme aussi belle," he whispered. I cocked my eyebrow as he grazed his tongue on the soft spot of skin. "Je ne veux plus être sans toi."

I whimpered and arched my body closer to his. I guess I couldn't really testify that any man speaking a foreign language wouldn't be sexy as hell, but when Edward did it? It set something on fire deep inside me that was yearning to be touched. Something dark and mysterious. Something raw.

"Et je ne veux rien d'autre que d'être avec toi...à l'intérieur de toi," he murmured as he reached down to palm my panties. He slipped a finger inside and ran it along my flesh as he laughed under his breath. "De te goûter... Tu dois être délicieuse."

"Edward…" I moaned.

"Je veux t'avoir complètement et pour toujours." His words washed over my skin as he drifted south, brushing his lips over my chest and stomach before he reached the waistband of my underwear. "Puis-je échantillon?"

"I have no idea what you just said, but my answer is yes," I whispered.

He pushed his nose roughly against my underwear, rubbing it up and down against me. His tongue reached out and pressed flat against me and at that moment I wanted nothing more than to feel him on my skin. My back arched violently off the bed as he gripped the tiny fabric at my hips and pulled down.

He shimmied them down to my knees and pushed my legs farther apart before diving between them like I was his last meal. My fingers found their way to his hair and gripped it tightly as he devoured me, sucking and nibbling at all the right places.

"So good," he murmured. He glanced up at me and flicked his tongue out against me as a smirk spread across his face.

"Edward…" I whimpered. My eyes clenched tight as he slid his fingers inside me. I blindly reached down for his dick, even though I knew I couldn't reach it. I wanted it. I wanted him. "I need you."

"I'm right here baby," he whispered.

I screamed out as I crashed into my release. He didn't pull away, only softly massaged me before carefully removing his fingers from inside me.

He crawled up my body, placing soft kisses along the way. When he finally reached my lips, he smiled and brushed my hair away from my face. "Beautiful," he said.

"Where'd you learn how to do that?" I asked.

"Seriously?" He cocked his eyebrow.

"I mean speak French Edward."

"My parents vacationed in the French Riviera every year. I started learning French when I was like…five."

"I'd like to go there…"

"Maybe I'll take you someday," he said, smiling.

I turned on my side and curled my hands up in front of my chest. He actually looked happy, almost carefree. I've never known him to look so weightless. I didn't ever want him to suffer those burdens he carried ever again. Hell, with this whole "where is my life going" conversation, I'm starting to realize I've been carrying a lot of burdens. Maybe I got lost to find my place in this world. Maybe my place is here. With him.

"What are you thinking about?" He asked.

"You."

He smiled and inched closer to me. "I think…there's something that I have to do."

"What is it?"

"I need to go talk to my parents."

I froze. Not because I didn't want to hear it, but I was just surprised. He hadn't been talking about his parents much lately, at least not in the negative, dark light he had before. All this time I was hoping and praying that some day he'd be able to forgive himself and let them forgive him even though I knew they already had. I believed in him past all the bullshit and I wanted him to see it. Maybe that makes me overbearing and controlling, but is it too much to ask the person you love to be happy?

I gasped as the thought ran through my head. Love. Did I love him? I may have been trapped here, but I just as easily could have barricaded myself in my room and waited out the winter. I didn't have to deal with his asshole behavior. Or his mood swings. I didn't have to stick with it when he told me to fuck off. Doesn't that mean something?

Before I could say anything, he kissed my forehead and rolled out of bed. "I'll be back," he said, pulling on a sweatshirt.

"Edward…" I started, but he was already out the door. I sat up and reached for my underwear. After I decided I looked presentable, I shuffled downstairs to get something to eat. Jasper was in the kitchen, grabbing a glass of water.

"Morning," I said.

"Morning? It's like…four in the afternoon." He laughed and took a sip of his water. "Where's Edward?"

"He was…going to talk to his parents."

"Oh?"

"Yeah." I pulled some disgusting canned food and turned on the stove. "Jasper, can I talk to you about something?"

"Of course." He leaned against the counter.

"I think I might…I mean I'm pretty sure that I….four-letter Edward." I held my breath.

"Excuse me?"

"You know…four-letter him."

"Am I supposed to know what that means?"

"I think I love him Jasper!" I screamed a little irritated that I actually had to say it out loud. That word was scary to me, especially with Edward. It wasn't that I didn't feel it, but it opened up so many questions.

"Oh that four letter word," he sighed. "And what's wrong with that?"

"There's nothing wrong with it, but how is this supposed to work? He won't leave this house and I can't stay here forever."

"Figure it out." He shrugged.

"Really? That's all you have to say? Figure it out?"

"If I four letter worded someone like you four letter word Edward, I would work it out."

"But what if he doesn't feel the same way?" I started stirring my food and I realized how self-conscious I was about this whole thing. "I mean I know he cares about me, I'm not that naive. But I don't want to force him into anything that he doesn't want. I don't want to…I mean what if he can't?"

"Bella don't be ridiculous." He started towards the backdoor laughing.

"What the hell does that mean?"

"He knows how amazing you are Bella, don't ever doubt that. If you haven't caught on already, this whole relationship thing is new for Edward. Give him the benefit of the doubt."

"Okay."

He disappeared out into the greenhouse and started doing some work in there. I sat down to eat my dinner when I saw him. Edward stepped out from the hallway with a bouquet of roses, tied delicately with a beautiful bow. My blood ran cold. Did he hear everything?

"Edward?" I stuttered.

"I wanted to bring my mom some flowers," he murmured. "I just came back inside for some ribbon." He cleared his throat and started towards the door. He slammed it closed and stomped across the yard towards the woods before disappearing into them completely.

"Fuck," I whispered. I messed up. I thought about running after him, but knowing Edward he needed a minute. I didn't want to interrupt his time with his parents.

I ate the rest of my dinner and headed back upstairs to take a shower. When I was finished, I wrapped myself up in a towel and headed out into Edward's room. He was sitting in the chair in the corner, cloaked in the darkness. I saw a glass sitting beside him with what looked like liquor resting inside of it. His eyes were trained on the edge of the glass as his finger traced around it. For a moment, I didn't know if he realized I was there, but then he spoke.

"Am I incapable of love?" He whispered. His finger stopped and his eyes flickered my way. "Am I?" He asked again. "Am I Bella!" He yelled, grabbing the glass and fixing to throw it across the room. He took a deep breath and grasped onto it so tightly that I thought it was going to shatter in his hand. He set it back down on the table and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"I'm sorry Edward," I said, my voice breaking. "I didn't mean it like that."

"Do you think it's impossible for someone like me to love?" He finally locked eyes with me and I saw they were glazed over. I couldn't tell if it was from the alcohol or if he was on the verge of tears.

"No," I sobbed.

"Because there's this pain so deep in my chest…" He grasped at his shirt. "Whenever I think of being anywhere, but with you. And I don't know what that is, but it's the only kind of love I've ever genuinely felt for someone. It's something I've never known before Bella and it has to be love right? If I can feel you right here?" He pounded hard on his chest. "It's love."

The tears slipped freely down my cheeks as I stumbled towards him. I pulled myself onto his chest and cried. I cried for him and I cried for us. I cried because his words broke my heart and healed it at the same time. I cried because I knew at that very moment that my life would never be the same because it would forever be woven with his.

I didn't notice his tears until they landed with force upon my bare shoulder as he clung to me. The towel slipped from my body and instead of letting it fall, he pulled it back up and held it close to me, blanketing me in its soft fabric and his loving arms. I rested my head on his shoulder as we rocked back and forth in the chair, processing the weight of the moment and the depth of our hearts. Sometimes they seemed so deep that I felt like I was going to drown in it. I was going to drown in him. If that was true I would welcome death like a pleasant sleep because I never wanted to know anything other than this.

As we held each other, my eyes drifted to the window again. I noticed the storm clouds off in the distance and felt relief that Edward was right. We still had time. Nothing had to change. But the melting, dripping snow still lingered on the window and I couldn't help but focus on it. It was like the ticking of a clock, counting down the time we had left together. It wasn't the end of the world, me leaving here. It didn't mean we had to end, but our perfectly twisted world we'd created for ourselves here would be over. And the thought of its demise terrified me.

French Translation** I've never met a woman so beautiful. I do not want to be without you. And I want nothing more than to be with you...inside you. To taste you...You have to be delicious. I want to have you completely and forever. May I sample? (Thanks stickybuns and RainGirl for your help)

A/N: I cannot apologize enough for the unusually long delay in this chapter. To say RL has been hectic would be a huge understatement. I got hit with a nasty sinus infection that made me incredibly sick the week before finals. Then I had finals. Then graduation. And the aftermath of graduation and getting my life somewhat back to normal. I've been overly exhausted and have had literally no time to write, so again I apologize. It was freak timing for everything like that to happen and I never want to have that long between updates again, so thank you for being patient.

So anyway, did you really think I would let an entire chapter go on being semi-fluffy? Of course not. Honestly I wasn't sure how this chapter was going, even as I was writing it, but as an author I feel like it really clicked for me by the end which I hope turned out a meaningful chapter because that's what I wanted it to be. I know we've all known it, but this explicit expression of their feelings and the consequences of those feelings are incredibly important. It also showed Edward's growth with his emotions (he didn't throw the glass *jumps up and down*)

This story is not going to be incredibly long. I would say around 22 chapters at the most or so. With stories like this, where it has very dark subject matter, I prefer not to overdo it and make it too long because I know its overload and it can be too much so I hope I have paced it right and done well with how I want to execute it. We're getting closer and closer to the epilogue and I know you guys are anxious for that.

LLW news aside, I have started a new story. It's called The Roommate and it's quite a departure from LLW, but I hope you'll check it out. I'd been doing quite a bit of prewriting for it, since I didn't really want it to interfere with the LLW updates so I waited until I had a good bit of prewritten chapters before I started posting. It should be 4 chapters in by the time you're reading this and posts one chapter a week.

Thanks again for your patience, it's greatly appreciated! : )