Tengoko: Sorry about taking so long. I had a bad case of writer's block that extended to all of my stories, not just this one. But, it's here now ;))! I'll try and be more diligent, but my classes will be starting soon. Don't worry though. I'm not going to leave this story unfinished. You'll get your updates. I promise. Well, at any rate, please review. Thank you. Enjoy
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Rated M for language and romance
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Chapter 12: Mirror to the Past

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The climb hadn't been too unpleasant. Sure, her arms were a little tired, and she had a blister on the back of her ankle. But all in all, it wasn't too bad. Tseng even lightened things up by cracking jokes. The funniest thing about them was that they weren't funny at all. But, he always managed to make himself laugh, and the mere stupidity made her laugh.

But, he wasn't smiling now. He'd sat beside her having kicked some debris out of the way. It was an utter mess. Wires, pipes, metal…all twisted and crushed together. The carnage was almost too much to look at. And it made her shudder to think that people had been caught underneath the falling plate, unable to save themselves. Helpless as they succumb to involuntary death.

"It's still hard for me to come here," Tseng said. "I remember when Rufus' father told me that this was going to be the fate of Sector Seven. I was outraged. Nearly got fired and shot that day. But, in the end, it was Reno that convinced me to stay. It went against everything I believed in."

"But, sir. You're a Turk. Orders are everything. Besides, killing is sort of what this job entails."

"Yes. Killing. Political assassinations. Government cover-ups. All usually targeted at enemies of Shin-Ra. But, the people in Sector Seven…they'd done nothing wrong. All innocents. And they were sentenced to death all because of a small group of people. I didn't think it was right to kill so many just to get back at Avalanche."

"I suppose it doesn't matter how long you've been a Turk," she said miserably. "No matter I hard they try, they'll never get us to shred our humanity. Disregard it at times. But never forget it."

"Do you know it was supposed to be me? I was supposed to set the bomb and bring all this down. Rude and Reno were the ones who were supposed to grab the Ancient."

Elena blinked. She didn't know that. She'd just always assumed Reno had been chosen for the job. But then, they never talked about it. It was almost as if it had never happened as far as Shin-Ra was concerned. And she remembered, the first time she'd brought it up, Reno and Rude hissed at her so vehemently, she was sure she'd done something wrong.

"So, what happened? Why'd Reno do it?"

"In the end, it came down to who'd regret it the least. At the time, it was unquestionable. Reno was the most efficient. He didn't care who he killed. He just did his job. Didn't ask questions. And for a while, we all thought it was pride."

"I suppose you're going to tell me it wasn't?" she ventured.

"Astute you are," he smiled slightly. "Yes, it wasn't. Loyal as he was to Shin-Ra, his pride as a Turk would never have driven him to kill so many innocents. So, you may be wondering what it was if not pride. I'm sure it's a feeling you can identify with well. Numbing. Unfeeling. Incapable of feeling. That's what Reno was. He was so lost in himself, fallen into a hole. I'm surprised he could function. And to this day he tells me he doesn't even remember where he had been or what he'd been doing half the time."

"What are you getting at?" Elena asked.

"Drugs, Elena. Reno was into them. He makes your addiction look like a walk in the park. And he always insisted that he needed them. It took the edge off the job. Made the killing less real. Made it easier to sleep at night, to not think about or see the faces of the people that he'd murdered. See, he was good at killing. He'd always been. But, he'd never before killed a child. The first time he had to, it screwed him up. Ate at his soul. He hardly slept, hardly ate. Said that drugs were the only thing that set him right."

Elena looked down at her feet and shook her head. She'd just joined the Turks around then. If Reno had been addicted to drugs, how was it that she didn't know? Tseng must have read her mind, because he was nodding.

"When you became a Turk, Elena, it was because Reno was incapacitated. You remember how he was in the hospital for months before you ever saw him? And you assumed it was because of the jump he took from the pillar, or the battle that he had with Cloud and his friends. No. Well…it started out that way. Just treating his injuries."

"And then you found out?"

"Yes. And, generally speaking, I'm supposed to maintain a certain level of professionalism where my employees are concerned. I'm not supposed to get attached. Just a basic relationship. The kind where you say 'hello' to each other, but never outside the workplace."

"So, I guess you're screwing that up now?"

"It's a little late in my career to be worried about things as trivial as that," he said. "Besides, after what happened with Reno, I swore that I'd never treat any Turk with indifference."

"So, what happened after you found out?" she questioned.

"Well, the fact of the matter is, the little punk had grown on me. He'd been a Turk since before he was sixteen. That was before I was the leader. We'd been on missions together, watched each other's backs. He once took a bullet for me. Now, how could I treat him with indifference after he did something like that? He'd saved my life. And, I had to save his."

"So, what did you do?"

"We kept him in the hospital for a while. There, the doctors monitored him. Kept him substance free. Used medicine that wasn't habit forming for the pain. That wasn't the hard part. It was when he was released. It was at the time we were searching for Sephiroth and Avalanche. Rufus Shinra couldn't care less if Reno was dying inside. As long as he could do the job and protect his presidency, nothing mattered."

"So, Reno came back to work?"

"It really was what was best for him. Rude kept an eye on him, and when he didn't, I did. Of course, we let him continue drinking. He always had an uncanny way of controlling his alcoholism. But, we never let him get near any sort of drug except for cigarettes."

"Is that why he was chain smoking when I first met him?" she asked.

"Yes. It'd also explain the bad attitude he had. You hated him at first. It wasn't until a few years after that you two became friends. But, he had every reason to be belligerent. The drugs were working their way out of his system. He was going through withdrawals. Snapping at everybody. Facing reality. We really thought that he was going to lose his mind. Rude and I were so worried."

"So…when did he become the way he is now?"

"It was right before I went to the Temple of the Ancients. We'd sat down together. Rude, Reno, and I. And we forced him to face reality. To remember the little girl that he'd killed. To bear in mind that he was only doing what he was told to do. Gods, I'll never forget that night. He'd lost it. There wasn't a thing in the room he didn't break or shoot. But in the end, he couldn't deny what he had done, and he finally realized that the only way he'd ever be able to move on was to face it head on."

"That's a very good story," Elena said. "But what's that have to do with me. Sure, we have addiction in common, but I never killed a little girl. I don't have anything to hide or forget. There is nothing for me to face."

"Sure there is," he said calmly. "The fact that you are only human. The fact that you might not always succeed, and you aren't the best Turk. That's your demon, Elena. That, and your lack of self confidence."

"Whoop-dee-damn-doo," she snapped. "You've solved everything, Tseng. I suddenly have a knew reason to live. Thank you so much for curing me of this state of despair I've found myself in."

"No reason to get like that, Elena. I don't mean to sound like I'm preaching to you. In fact, the story really did have little to do with your situation. Just…my way of explaining the reason why Reno and Rude distanced themselves from you. Can you possibly imagine how hard it is for Reno to see somebody go through this after he'd just been through it himself? It's like look in a mirror of the past. And now, he may be wondering if this is how he acted, if this is what he said or sounded like. And then Rude. He had to go through his best friend's addiction. He sat with him through the worst times. And it was so difficult for him. And now, here you are, a friend, about to put him through the same aggravation."

"I'm sorry I'm such an inconvenience to everybody. Maybe it will be better if you just let me leave."

"Elena, do yourself a favor and stop bathing in self-pity. It's not doing you any good and it's only burying you deeper in that sorry hole of depression that you say you have found yourself in. There is no reason for you to be depressed."

"Isn't there?" she screamed. "My best friends have ditched me, I gave my virginity away to some prick, I nearly blew anther mission, I've pissed Rufus Shinra off again, and I'll be lucky if Reno or Rude ever talk to me again. And it's all my fault. I did this all to myself. That's the reality of my matter. And I face it everyday. But do you think it makes me feel any better about myself?"

Tseng was about to answer her, but then he cocked an eyebrow and smirked. "You were still a virgin?"

"Tseng!"

"I won't tell anybody," he chuckled. "It's just…I guess I owe Reno some money."

"What?" she shouted. "You put bets on my innocence? That's just great. Well, there you have it. In a nutshell, that's how we respect each other. Now do you see why I want to leave?"

"No, Elena. You want to leave so you can have another reason to feel sorry for yourself. So you can lie in your apartment wondering about the shoulda-coulda-woulda's. And then sit and wonder what happened to your happier times. And face it, your happiest times were when you were a Turk. And I'm not about to let you give this up. Not when it could be the only thing that can save you."

"I don't need saving," she sneered.

"Ultimately, Elena, your opinion doesn't matter. It's what I think that does. I think you need the Turks just as much as the Turks need you. Being a Turk in itself is an addiction. One so potent, it's the only one you'll be able to bear. It gets in your blood, your heart, your head. How can you take anything else with something this powerful going through your system already?"

Elena frowned and felt tears forming in her eyes. She refused to look up at Tseng. She felt so weak. So frail. And she knew the drugs did it to her. Knew that if she didn't stop, she'd kill herself. But, she was so dependant on them. Didn't want to let them go.

"It's so hard for me to still be a Turk. I can't do it, Tseng."

"Is it the missions?"

"No. I can handle the missions. They've never been a problem for me. I ordered Justus to kill those men on my last mission without even a second thought. If anything, the missions are the easiest part. It's my co-workers, sir. As it stands, you are the only one who I'm still in good standing with."

"We already discussed this, Elena. I'll start the process of finding you a new partner right away."

"I don't want a new partner," she argued.

"You still want Justus?" he asked, confused now.

"No. Tseng…"

He nodded after a few seconds, comprehension finally seeping in. He looked at her pensively for a moment before closing his eyes. "It's not a good idea, falling in love with a guy like him."

"I know…" she said. "I've been telling myself that since the first time we kissed."