I have the most amazing set of people who work on this fic to make it perfect for you guys – My betas ginginlee and sparklingtwilight and my prereaders lizzylillyrose and morethanmyself. And another amazing person, IllicitWriter, who has wonderfully agreed to make picteases every week! They will post PicTease on TwiFicNews on Monday mornings. All those ladies deserve a huge, loving thanks!
Special thanks to everyone who reviews – I absolutely love reading them. I've also been better about replying, so expect to hear from me if you review.
SW has also gotten a ton of coverage lately! Within the past week, it has been featured on IndieFicPimp AND Southern Fan Fiction Review. Honestly, I'm flabbergasted. Please go check out both of the lovely written reviews. It makes my heart so happy that people want to get the word out about this little fic! So, seriously, thank you!
I was going to post tomorrow, but I just couldn't wait. So, here it is. I hope you enjoy!
Chapter 12
2010
I brought the vile, white stick to my lips, taking a long drag of destruction, sending the disease straight to my awaiting lungs. Yes. I felt better already. I wanted to think about the weather to take my mind away from other things, but the weather was always the same. It would provide me with no new thoughts or intellectual insight. The constant, blistering heat, the unyielding, demanding sun, the endless vast blue sky fought for dominance over the heavy summer storms, the lightening taking a stand against the cloudless serenity. It was either one or the other. Either calm, beautiful purity that left my skin red, raw, and burned and sent me into an unwavering sense of exhaustion, or a heavy storm, angry in its demand for attention, yet leaving us with a cool, wet, soft Earth and a heavenly-sent breeze.
The seemingly easy option, a summer day over a stormy one, caused more problems in the end. A difficult day, on the other hand, led to refreshment and peace. So did that mean that the storms were worth fighting for? Were they what was worth it in the end? Was that why it didn't work out all those years ago – it was too easy, too simple? Maybe so; besides, that summer did leave me burned, scarred from his touch, his kiss acting like the sun's brutal rays, forever marring my skin in a tantalizing reminder. Was my ex-husband the storm? No – he absolutely was not worth it.
Wow, I thought to myself after a moment, realizing what I was doing, analyzing the weather to fit into my screwed up love life. So this is what rock bottom felt like.
"My God, please tell me I'm mistaken."
I was too busy in my own ridiculous thoughts on life that the world around me seemed to fade to gray, the people and noises passing by me in a blur.
I was making a mental note to call my therapist when the same voice broke out again, this time closer. "Well, hit me over the head with a stick and call it four days from Monday! Look who it is!" The deep southern accent finally registered in my mind, and my head snapped up.
The sun impaired my view from my bench outside Wal-Mart, but I could vaguely notice a man who was perched a few feet away, staring in my direction with his mouth wide open and his hands glued to his hips. His dark brown curly hair was matted down from a worn, faded blue ball-cap, and his red and black plaid shirt was covered in mud; however, as soon as it clicked who it was, the stains weren't enough from keeping me from jumping into his arms.
He caught me easily, spinning me around as my cigarette flitted from my fingers, landing like a forgotten memory on the white concrete beneath our feet.
"Emmett!" I squealed, tightening my hold on Edward's much larger but just as charming cousin. "I can't believe it!"
He eventually put me back down, holding onto my shoulders tightly as he examined me. "Bella, baby, look at you! I swear, each time I see you, you only look more beautiful!"
I nudged him with my elbow bashfully. "Whatever, Emmett, I swear the world is out to get me and destroy my life with wrinkles and sagging body parts."
He did another once over, a smirk rising on his lips. "Nope, I'm pretty sure the world is working in your favor this time, Bells. You really do look great. What has it been? Five years, six?"
"At least," I agreed, pulling him back to me and hugging him again. "I'm so happy to see you."
"Well, what the Hell are you doing in Johnston County? I'm pretty sure I didn't see any pigs flying today…"
I chuckled at his joke and shrugged. "Life brought me back here. Who would have thought?"
"Well, I'll be damned."
He just looked at me and smiled his big goofy grin. One of his teeth were missing from when he decided to ride a mechanical bull on his twenty-first birthday, but it only added to his unusual southern beauty. His entire appearance screamed the south, from the holes in the jeans, his farmer's tan, plaid shirt, work boots, and ball-cap - the missing tooth just completed the look.
"You are a sight, Mr. Masen, let me tell ya." I laughed, pushing a hand through my hair that was already damp with sweat.
"What are you doing today, button? You want to go grab a drink so you can explain yourself? There's a lot of things you need to fill me in on," he scolded, looking at me pointedly.
I checked the time on my phone. "Em, it's only just past two in the afternoon. Don't you think it's too early for drinks?"
"Bella…look around. It's never too early for drinks here. Come on." He slung his large arm around my shoulders and led me to the parking lot. "You can drive," he said, allowing me to steer him to my car.
"How come I have to drive?"
"Ugh, you don't want to drive with me."
"And why's that?"
"'Cuz I drove the tractor."
"Oh jeeze." I shook my head, laughing. "You brought that thing all the way to Wal-Mart?"
He just shrugged. "Whatever works, belly-button."
"You'll never change, will you?"
"There's no use in changing when I'm already perfect! God made me this way for a darn good reason."
"Have you figured out that reason yet?" I laughed again, seriously enjoying his company.
"Not a damn clue."
I snaked my arms around his large torso. "Let me know when you figure that one out."
"You'll be the first to know." He winked at me then when we reached my Prius, climbing into the passenger side after I unlocked the doors.
"So where to, Mr. Masen?" I smiled brightly, my hands resting on the steering wheel for his instructions.
"Bella," he said seriously, his face dropping a bit. "Why are you calling me Masen? I thought that was one of your rules…we weren't allowed to voice my last name."
I shrugged and played with the large gray wheel nervously. "How about we just get to the bar first, and then I promise to tell you all about it."
"Okay, darling," he agreed sadly.
I didn't want to get too caught up on that right now – I needed a beer first, and to get out of this forsaken heat. Emmett pointed to all the twists and turns that got us to The Cleveland Draft House, which really was just a little way down Highway 42. The place was actually pretty big, and the parking lot was full of motorcycles.
"A biker bar?" I asked incredulously.
He looked at me strangely. "No."
I pointed to all the bikes.
"And?" he asked.
"Bikes…biker bar?"
"Johnston County? Everyone and their mom has a motorcycle." He matched my snippy tone.
Sure enough, just as he said that, a group of well-aged people came out of the door, sporting their black leather jackets and hoisted themselves up on bikes that were close to our car. "You weren't kidding," I mumbled, watching as the sea of gray hair was covered by helmets.
"Come on, Bella." He laughed, pulling me along into the building.
The place actually had a restaurant part to it, too, but Emmett didn't even contemplate sitting in the dining hall – we went straight towards the bar, bypassing the row of pool-tables and dart boards in the process. We sat at a raised two-person table, each ordering a beer when the charming, chesty little twenty-something blonde asked.
"So I know why you come here." I chuckled, watching the waitress saunter off to get our drinks.
"Nah, I come for that one." He pointed to a burly man, probably in his late forties, covered in tattoos. Emmett started laughing when I raised my brow at him, and he just shook his head. "Just kidding, button baby. My charms are for my one-and-only, Rosie-bear."
I smiled and tucked my arms in my lap. "How is Rosalie?" I asked. However, as soon as Emmett's face fell, I immediately became concerned.
"Here you go, y'all." Busty-blonde put down our drinks on the table, asking us if we wanted anything else before she left. We shook our heads no, but my eyes had yet to leave from Em's fallen face.
"Emmett?"
"She passed three years go," he voiced, taking a particularly long pull of his beer.
"Oh, Em," I sighed, not knowing what else to say. "I'm so sorry."
He just smiled at me. "No worries, sugar-top. That woman gave me the best twenty years of my life! And we have three beautiful girls together, who look exactly like their mother, by the way. I'm surprised I'm not in jail…they still can't find one of the boys I killed. Chopped him to little pieces for touching my Anna-banana." He winked at me, and I knew he was using his humor to cover up the pain.
"What happened? Last time I saw you guys everything was great!"
"Breast cancer. They couldn't catch it in time. But I'm telling you, Bella, my Rosie was the proudest patient I ever knew. She used every last day of her life trying to get the word about early detection, holding fundraisers and events that she would speak at. She wouldn't touch a wig, knowing that her beauty wasn't found in her fallen golden locks. She was stronger than I was, holding me as I cried.
"God gave me an angel; He just wanted her back, that's all. I can't say I blame Him." He was still smiling, but I could see the tears that glistened in his eyes.
"How are your girls? Are they okay?"
He nodded. "They got their mother's strength, that's for sure."
"What are they doing now?"
"The oldest is in college at Appalachian State, my middle will be a junior in high school, and the youngest is about to start her freshmen year. I swear, they grow up in a blink of an eye. I feel like Anna should still be in a crib and crying over a scraped knee."
"And you still have the farm?"
"Only God's hands can pry that land from me." He smiled. "Granted, the bank has tried a time or two, but I'm a stubborn old thing."
I smiled back, agreeing.
"So is that why you haven't been back to Ohio?" I asked, referring to Rosalie's family who lived in Columbus, the same city I did. I had first run into Emmett about fifteen years ago, before I was even married, in a bar downtown. To say I was shocked to see him would be a dramatic understatement. But, just like I had with Charlie, Emmett and I had our rules. I didn't want to hear about Edward; I didn't want to ruin the illusion…the memory of him.
As I said before, I thought to myself, I made a lot of bad decisions in my lifetime, my rules being one of them.
"Yeah." He frowned this time. "Sorry I never told you. It was just…easier, I don't know, if you still thought she was alive. That way, she still lived on to someone, even if to me she was gone."
"Oh, Emmett." I took his hand from across the table. "She'll always live on."
A tear finally slipped down his dirt-covered cheek, leaving a pale line through the caked-mud in its wake.
"I was so lucky to have her that it's almost not fair to miss her, you know? I shouldn't be allowed to be sad for something when I was blessed so greatly to begin with."
"You're allowed to miss her…"
He didn't say anything for a minute, his eyes instead glued to the wooden grain of the bar table. "That's alright," he finally voiced, his tone a lot more chipper, "I'll see her again. Heaven is the only place for an angel like her, and we already established that I'm pretty darn awesome." He smiled, raising a brow to push his point. "So Heaven is the only ending for me, too. That and Jesus and stuff." He laughed at the end, myself not being able to keep from joining in.
"Okay, Bella," he finally said seriously, "you have a lot of explaining to do, young lady!"
I sighed heavily and drank more from my beer. "What do you want to know?"
"The last I thought, this would be the last place you would ever come to again. What the hell happened?"
"Um, well, my uncle got sick."
"Charlie! Is he alright? I just took him to the store not a month ago! He's having some breathing issues, but other than that, he never said anything."
"Yeah, I don't really know the prognosis; he won't let me take him to a specialist, but he just needs someone to help him, especially around the house and with the horses. He can't drive, he has enough trouble walking, and his house would literally rot as he stood by and did nothing. It was just time."
"What else?" he asked, looking at me pointedly, while I, on the other hand, ignored his eyes like the plague.
"What do you mean?"
"Bella…you know the people here would never let Charlie Swan get that bad. Hell, Edw…um, I mean, we, um, what I meant was…"
"Emmett," I held my hand up to stop his rambling, "it's okay. You can say his name."
"Edward himself looks after Charlie like he was his own father," he rushed out, probably afraid that if he didn't say it quickly enough, I would cover my ears like a petulant child, refusing to hear it.
"I know he does."
He looked at me like I was crazy. "What? How do you know?"
"I've seen him," I offered. "Charlie tried to burn the house down the first morning I was here…"
This caused Emmett to burst out laughing, good full belly laughs. "Never underestimate the power and will of an old determined man!"
I just shook my head. "He could have just called him over to the house. He didn't have to go to such drastic measures to get my attention!" I argued.
"Bella," he said more seriously, "I joke about myself being stubborn and all, but you are the most stubborn person I have ever met. You have it in this thick head of yours that life wasn't supposed to work out for you and Edward…"
"Emmett," I interrupted, suddenly becoming angry, "life is not some book! Edward and I spent one summer together…one! It's not like he's my eternal soul-mate! I was seventeen! Why is this so hard for people to understand? I would have been delusional and ridiculous to 'wait for him to come find me'. My life is not a fairytale; I'm not some princess that needs to be rescued from the big castle. I had a life to live…so I lived it."
"You're such a realist," he said after a minute.
"I have to be."
"Why?"
"Because life doesn't wait for Prince Charming to leave his wife and two kids and come find his long lost princess in Ohio when he made it clear to her twenty years before that it was never going to happen," I yelled.
"Bella…"
"No, Emmett. Edward didn't want me! I was a fling…a summer romance that just turned into a nice thought, a fun memory."
"Bella!"
"He married Rachel!"
"But…"
"There are no 'but's!"
"THERE'S A HUGE 'BUT'!"
"But what, then?
"HE WAS IN LOVE WITH YOU."
I sat there for a moment, regaining my composure. "Sometimes love isn't enough."
"Sometimes love is everything."
"It wasn't in our case."
"Your 'case' isn't closed yet," he countered. "I don't see a ring on your finger anymore, so I take it that you left that good-for-nothing bastard. Now, you're back here, he's here, so why not tell life to shut the hell up for a second and do what you want to do, Bella? Make love be enough. Stop wasting years on thinking that what you had with Edward was just a fun memory. You don't believe in soul-mates? Well, I do. I saw God in Rosalie every damn day that we were together, and a God like that wouldn't let the man that you're supposed to be with slip through your fingers so easily. You have fought every day to forget him, but did you ever think that he wasn't meant to be forgotten? Yes, Edward married Rachel, but you're not innocent in this thing, either. Have you even told Edward that you married…"
"No," I said abruptly. "I haven't."
"Don't you think he deserves to know?"
"What does it matter? I'm not with him anymore…"
"Bella-"
"Emmett, enough. He is my past. I'll tell Edward eventually. It's a moot point, really. I don't see how it's so significant."
"Of course it's significant! Do you not see the motives behind why you married him?"
"Emmett…"
"I see right through you, Bella."
"Well, I'm glad I'm so damn transparent," I snapped.
"Okay, okay." He raised his hands up in surrender. "Don't get upset with me, belly-bean. I'm just trying to get through to you."
"And what was your big point exactly?" I asked, trying to keep my voice calm, but my frustration was surely evident.
"It's time that you start fighting for the life that you want to live. My Rosie fought for her life, and even though she's no longer here with us, she was the happiest woman I had ever met. She was happy, not because life did everything in her favor, but because she did everything she could to not waste a second of the time God had given."
"Do you think I'm wasting my life, then?"
"No, Bella, I just think you have a lot of fighting left to do."
"I thought there needed to be two participants in a fight…I can't do any punching if he isn't willing to even step in the ring."
"Don't be so quick to underestimate Edward's feelings in this."
"Why?"
"Because he has not spent the last two decades thinking that you were just a fun memory, even though he wouldn't admit it."
"How do you know that?"
"You had your rules, Bella. I was never allowed to talk about him to you…but it wasn't necessarily the same with Edward."
"You and Edward would talk about me!"
"He knows that I've seen you, yes."
"Did you tell him about my life…about who I...?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"Edward didn't want to know the intricacies of your life. He was more concerned about things like if you were safe, alive, happy…"
"So he knew where I was all these years?"
"Yes."
"See," I wiped an unexpected tear from my eye, "he could have come and found me if he wanted to. Obviously he didn't want to."
Emmett just shook his head. "Stop analyzing his motives. He didn't know where you were until after he was married. And then you yourself got married, so what was he to do? For all he knew, he thought that you were happy. Your happiness meant a lot more to him than you think."
"I can't believe this."
"I don't know what to tell you, Bella," he practically growled out in frustration.
I looked up to meet his gaze; his eyes weren't hard, but they were stern.
"What?" I asked, confused by his expression.
"I just told you that Edward pretty much spent the greater portion of his life loving you! For God's sake, do something about it!" he yelled.
"Come on," I finally said after his words sunk in, standing up and grabbing a ten dollar bill out of my purse and putting it on the table.
"Where are we going?"
"I have an idea."
My hands shook as it held the steering wheel, my leg that wasn't on the gas tapping up and down repeatedly. Why was I this nervous? Should I have been this nervous? Was there a code book for the appropriate nerve set level for this kind of situation? I was glad Emmett was still with me; he just whistled like a happy sailor from the passenger seat, looking at the view as we drove. After we got into the car, he didn't ask where we were going again. I was pretty sure he knew.
The station didn't look any different than when I visited before, and the amount of butterflies in my stomach seemed about the same.
"Oh, lookie," Emmett said sarcastically. "We're at the fire station!" He turned to smile widely at me. "I'm really proud of you, darlin'."
His thick accent was surprisingly comforting. "Thanks." I undid my seatbelt but left the keys in the ignition for Emmett, who didn't make a move to get out of the car. "Well, here goes nothing."
"Good luck!" he shouted out the window as I made my way up to the door.
I knocked a few times, but there was no answer, so I just knocked harder. When no one was still answering, I decided it was only best if I let myself in. It wasn't like I was breaking into a house or anything…
"Hello? Is anyone here?" I walked around the station, noticing the dirty dishes in the sink, the TV was on, and weights were discarded on the floor of the gym. I figured, then, that a call must have come through, and that they must have been saving someone or something from the lick of flames. I knew Edward was on duty, though; he had told me last week when he was over with his family during the storm, that he took some extra shifts this week since the kids were going to the beach with their mom. I also saw his car in the parking lot, so I figured if I was already here, I might as well do it.
I ran back out to my car, a plan set in my head, and dug around for a piece of paper in the dashboard console. Emmett looked at me strangely, but I was afraid that if I was going to put my actions in to words, I would lose my nerve. When I found paper that was good enough, I got a pen out of my purse and went back inside. In the best writing I had, I wrote:
I, Bella, would like permission to kiss you, Edward. June 21, 2010. – Here is my request form, signed and dated, of course. You know where to find me…bring the form.
Memories of our first official date of that summer filled my mind, remembering the whole stack of these he had made and brought with us, handing me one every time he pressed his lips up against mine. I think that was the first time I knew I was falling for him…he took my ridiculous babble and turned it into one of the sweetest gestures. I was hoping that he would remember this and not think I was crazy for leaving this on his pillow on his bed at the station. But Emmett was right, it was about time that I started to fight for my life. This was me stepping into battle…
"You all set?" Em asked as I got back into the car.
I smiled at him. "Yeah, I think I am."
O.o
"Seth, get off the phone," I scolded, throwing an apple at him across the barn.
"Okay, baby…yeah, I miss you, too…you hang up first…no, you hang up first!"
"Oh my dear God," I mumbled, crossing my arms over my chest.
"Okay…okay…yeah, I'll see you tonight. Okay…"
"SETH!"
"Alright, the boss lady is about to shit herself, I really have to go. Talk to you soon, baby…bye."
He finally hung up the phone. "I take it your playa days are long gone," I voiced, smirking at the now blushing Seth.
"Gloat all you want, Bella. I just really like her, okay." He shrugged, picking up the apple I threw at him and handing it to one of the horses.
"I'm really happy to hear that, Seth." I smiled genuinely. "Will you bring her over to the house? I would love to meet her!"
"You want to meet her?" He looked at me as if I was crazy.
"Of course I do! Why wouldn't I want to meet the girl that finally tamed this wild boy?"
"Uh," he fiddled with his fingers, "you care that much?"
"Seth," I said seriously, "of course I care."
He looked at me with a lot of pain in his eyes. "Why?"
"If she's important to you, she's important to me…" I wasn't sure what lay underneath his features, but there was definitely something there that he wasn't telling me.
"I would really like that, Bella."
I smiled widely. "Good! Besides, she needs my approval, anyway!"
"Okay, Mom!" He laughed, even though his words struck a deep cord within me.
I didn't allow him to see my face fall just a tad; I quickly turned and continued feeding the horses, instead. "Don't laugh," I tried to say lightly, "someone needs to keep you in line."
He didn't say anything, so I thought he just considered that the conversation ended there, but before I knew it, I felt his hands wrap around my waist from behind.
"Thank you, Bella." His voice was heavy and not at all joking.
I turned around in his arms and hugged him back, doing the only thing I knew to do in that moment. "You're welcome, Seth."
He went back over to his horse without another word after that, but my mind was then spinning with ideas of what that could have been about. I really needed to talk to Uncle Charlie about Seth. I couldn't believe I haven't even thought to ask him about the boy who spent so much time at his house. I should have known….
There was a cough that came from the door of the barn that broke me out of my thoughts. I quickly turned my head and was greeted with the stunning image of Edward in light, holey jeans and a white t-shirt.
"Edward," I said happily, smiling at him. I noticed the piece of paper in his hands that I left on his bed yesterday afternoon, and I suddenly became overwhelmingly nervous.
"I'll be right back," Seth voiced, patting Edward on the shoulder before stepping out of the barn.
"Hi," he greeted quietly, looking at me.
"Hi," I said in return.
My smile that was across my face fell a bit when I took in his facial expression. It didn't match my once happy one. "What's wrong?" I asked, putting down the extra apples back in the bucket.
"I, um, got this." He held up the note.
"I see that."
He slowly started walking over towards me, seemingly like an eternity for him to get just a foot away. I could smell him then – he smelt like ash, his job lingering on his skin. His blue eyes were looking intently in mine, trying, it seemed, to communicate through them alone.
His hand that didn't hold the paper that held our fate rose to my face. His fingers gently stroked my cheek, causing my eyes to flutter shut. I sighed, leaning into his touch, goose bumps appearing on my overheated skin. Was this it? Was he going to kiss me? Was I finally going to experience his lips on mine again?
"I'm so sorry, Bella," he finally said, my eyes opening to meet his. His head shook back and forth, and his voice broke. "I just…can't."
O.o
Sigh…oh, Edward.
Won't you review?