AN- I cannot find the words to thank you enough for all the amazing feedback you guys give me for this story! Thank you for the reviews, recs, Twitter mentions, and PMs. I am truly blown away.

Special thanks to the amazing group of ladies who aren't afraid to be honest with me and help me when I'm in too deep. Ginginlee betas & Sammielynnsmom, lizzylillyrose, and Morethanmyself preread…multiple times per chapter even. I love them so dearly.

IllicitWriter gets credit for the stunning Pic-Teases each week.

WARNING – this chapter was very difficult to write (and re-write) for many reasons. I feel like I have led up to this moment pretty clearly, but it does contain them having sex with each other. There are many reasons why teenagers shouldn't be having sex, and I want you to remember that this is in Bella's POV. She is only seventeen and dealing with stuff she has never dealt with before. I would appreciate your grace.

…

Chapter 23
1987

"I feel so special, Edward," I teased as I took his hand. "You really spent the extra dime on me, huh?" I sat down on the blanket across from him, smiling at him as I tried to modestly tuck my legs beneath myself without my dress showing too much.

"Oh, you know me." He winked, opening the basket and pulling out the paper plates. "Only the finest china for my woman."

I laughed and spread out a napkin on my lap. "How did I ever get so lucky?"

"Eh." He shrugged. "God must have taken pity on you."

"Hey, I'll take all the pity I can get if it means I get a picnic with you."

The skin around his eyes crinkled as he smiled at me, placing a hand over his heart. "Aww!"

I threw a grape at him. "Shut it."

"Abuse, abuse!" he yelled as he ducked from the purple fruit.

"Pansy," I said under my breath in return.

"Okay, for serious now," he began.

"For serious?" I looked at him strangely, mocking his choice of words.

"As I was going to say," he ignored my teasing, "if you thought the paper plates were good, you're going to love this!" He pulled out two Dixie cups from the bottom of the basket and held them up for me to see. "Your champagne glass, my dear," he said in a formal accent as he passed it my way.

"Oh, thank you, good sir."

We both laughed as he went for the bottle of wine he brought.

"Where did you get that stuff, anyway?" I asked as he undid the foil and unscrewed the top. It didn't even have a cork. For some reason, I found that even funnier than the Dixie cups.

"I took it from my mom's stash in the basement," he explained.

"What kind is it?" I leaned forward to catch the label on the bottle.

"Strawberry."

"Strawberry Wine?" I asked. "I didn't even know that kind existed."

"It's only the best," he said as if were obvious. "Because like I said before, I only bring the very best for my lady."

"Mmm, well this might be my new favorite." I smiled at him and he winked at me in return.

"It has a very sweet taste. Just like you."

I scoffed at his compliment. "There you go with your famous one-liners again."

He shrugged as he poured the drink into my cup. "They've seemed to work for me thus far."

"I think it's your charm more than it is your little lines."

"It's all part of the same package, baby."

I rolled my eyes and went to take a sip, but Edward's hand shot out and held onto my arm, stopping me.

"Wait," he said. "We have to make a toast."

"A toast to what?" I asked as he poured himself some.

Screwing the top back on the bottle, he put it down beside him, holding up his cup in the air and waited until I did the same. "A toast to…the best summer of my life." His eyes burned into mine, his voice dropping to a much lower volume.

"Of our lives," I corrected, my voice just as low.

He just smiled and moved his arm so he could take a sip, my actions following his. The wine was very sweet, and it tasted almost like candy as I swallowed it down; however, the aftertaste was kind of bitter, making my lips pucker, wanting to take another sip but knowing that the outcome was going to be the same.

"It's bittersweet," I said as we both put the cups beside us, Edward reaching for the rest of the food in the basket.

"Do you like it, though? Is it okay?"

I rolled my eyes at his worried question, smiling at how cute he was when he was trying to impress me. "Yes, it's okay."

As our evening continued, our dinner was finished, and the bottle of wine was topped off, the empty glass being tossed next to the blanket, for that moment forgotten. Time passed quickly, the sun barely lingering in the sky.

It was a cooler evening that what I was used to living here. It wasn't cold by any means, but tonight, for some reason, the heat wasn't unbearable. There was a breeze that filtered through the overgrown grass, and I felt it on my uncovered skin. My back was pressed to Edward's front, in between his legs as he sat against the trunk of the tree. My hands were resting on his bent jean covered knees, his fingertips making patterns up the length of my arms.

The late July sun was setting, casting a picturesque glow around us, allowing us to be a part of its beauty. I let my head tip back, resting it on his shoulder, shutting my eyes in an attempt to secure this moment to memory, never wanting to forget what his hands felt like, what the grass smelled like, how happy I was just sitting right here…being with him. It was all slipping by too fast.

"What are you thinking?" he asked in a low voice, his mouth right next to my ear.

"Hmm," I sighed with a smile on my face.

"You're so pretty when you smile," he said next, his nose pressing against the side of my head before his lips found my skin.

"I'm glad you think I'm nice to look at, Mr. Masen," I said, chuckling.

He wrapped his arms fully around me then, hugging me tightly and swaying us back and forth a bit. My hands came up to grab his, molding our fingers together, and I bent my head forwards to kiss the side of his thumb.

"I'm really going to miss you," he spoke, his words barely audible.

I couldn't help but stiffen under his grip. "Can we not talk about that? It's not like you're leaving tomorrow."

"I know," he responded sadly. "But it's going to happen sooner than we think."

My blood seemed to suddenly run cold. I shut my eyes, taking a deep breath. We still have time left.

"I'm not ready to say goodbye yet," I voiced in a tight tone, feeling that I needed to defend our relationship and to erase whatever he might have been thinking.

As if confused by my sudden severity, he said, "I'm not either, Bella."

I turned around in his lap so I could look at him. "Then don't act like this is it. This isn't it." Shaking my head, I gripped at the blanket beneath us.

His face softened as realization dawned on him. "I know that, baby. I didn't mean it like that."

Satisfied with his answer, I took another deep breath, turning back around to our earlier position. "Okay." I sighed, resting my arms on his legs again.

"I just," he started, pausing for a moment as he looked for the right words. "Bella, you scare the shit out of me."

A laugh came out of my mouth without even realizing it. "Come on, Edward, be serious."

"God, you don't get it…I am being serious! I've never, ever, felt this way about somebody before. Yeah, I've had girlfriends, dated other people, but I've never met anyone like you…I've never fallen for someone like I have with you," he added the last part on in a very quiet voice. "And it scares me," he continued, "because I don't get to keep you. I'm in so deep, Bella; it feels like I'm drowning."

I didn't say anything; I couldn't say anything. We both just listened to the chorus of the field—the birds, the wind, the cars passing on the road behind the rows of trees a few hundred yards behind us. I listened to his breathing, listened for his heart, wondering if it was as fragile as mine seemed to be. I felt that with every touch of his lips, with every whisper of his deep voice, my once strong heart was being changed into one of glass. The only protective case for it was Edward. The only one who could break it, however, was also Edward.

It could go either way. I understood exactly what he meant when he said he was scared.

"I get it," I said after a few silent minutes. "I know what you're feeling, what you're going through."

"You do?" he questioned, pushing forward and tilting his head so he could look at my face. His position forced me to sit up and turn around, resting my weight on one of my arms while the other played with the patterns on the blanket.

"Sure I do." I lifted my eyes to his.

"Can I tell you something?" he asked, a lightness to him now. He maneuvered his body so he was sitting on his knees, right in front of me, and he grabbed my face, leaning in to kiss me once, twice, before sitting back.

His hands fell to grab my one hand that was resting in front of me, and he took it between both of his. I felt as there was a slight tremor to his touch, a quiver that I found very endearing.

"So, I've kind of wanted to tell you this for a while, but I just…I just either didn't think it was the right time or chickened out."

I smiled, watching as his fingertips played with my skin.

"But I guess there really won't ever be a perfect moment, and every time that I don't tell you, I just end up regretting it later."

I slowly roamed my eyes from his hand, up his arm, over his shoulder, across his jaw, lips, cheek, before I got to his eyes, and the blue shined brighter than I have ever seen on his before, and I was able to see the last specks of the sun shining in them before it dipped below the horizon, darkness falling upon us.

"Bella," he started before taking another deep breath, "I'm in love with you."

"You are?" I chuckled, looking up at him with a cheeky grin and a raised eyebrow.

He knocked me back so I fell to the grass and he climbed over me. Laughing, he leaned down to kiss me. "Say it back," he said against my lips.

"A little presumptuous?" I teased, kissing his cheek, his chin, the tip of his nose.

"I know you love me," he answered, bringing his mouth right next to my ear.

"And how do you know that?" I breathed out, shutting my eyes as he kissed the dip in my neck.

"I feel it on your skin when I touch you." He proved his words as his fingertip ran down the length of my arm. "I can hear it in your laugh, see it in your smile. It's written all over you." He continued to kiss along my jaw before he found my mouth.

I deepened the kiss and held him to me. He was right. I knew it; he knew it.

"I do love you," I said when he pulled back, causing him to laugh and look from back and forth between my eyes.

"Yeah?" he asked playfully.

"So now you're questioning it!" I laughed again as he held his bottom lip between his teeth.

"Say it again."

"You say it again," I countered, my hands playing with one of the buttons on his shirt.

"I love you."

My eyes lifted, meeting his. "Show me?" My voice was quiet, and his face became more serious, losing the child-like grin.

"Bella," he said sitting back up so he was kneeling, resting on the back of his feet. "I've never…I've never done that before."

His admission, for some reason, surprised me. I was sure that he would have with someone here. "Really?" I asked, and I was sure he could see how confused I was.

"I mean," he began, running a hand through his hair, "I've done stuff, but, um, never that."

I sat up then, moving so I was on my knees in front of him, and I wrapped my arms around his neck, kissing his cheek before I found his lips. "Good," I said. "That means I can be your first." I smiled into his skin, and when I pulled back, he was looking at me with a face of wonder and amusement.

"Will I be your first?" he asked, playing with the strap of my dress, stroking the skin around my shoulder. "Yes," I answered, even though I thought he already knew.

"Good," he echoed, smiling at me then.

The air around us changed once again, the silliness being sucked away when his mouth met mine. His hands became more deliberate, holding my face to his. We both knew that this was it. This was happening.

He pushed me back so I was lying on the blanket, the pressed down grass being the only sort of pillow for my head. Opening my eyes and looking up, I saw the darkening blues and blacks of the night sky, the stars scattered across the horizon, being outshone by the large, late July moon.

The breeze cooled our overheated skin, but it couldn't keep the heat from racing through my veins as Edward leaned down over me and pressed lips to my offered neck. He kept his lips there for a long moment as I took a shuddering breath, my hands running down the length of his back. I fluttered my eyes closed as he moved to kiss my mouth, my lips parting for him to come deeper. He did not disappoint.

Our legs were spread out awkwardly beneath us, Edward's one knee resting on the outside of one of my thighs as his other was between my legs. His torso was heavy on my own, pushing me into the earth as I struggled to breathe normally.

Our tongues continued to dance with each other, his hands holding my face as his thumb made patterns against my hot flesh. This wasn't anything different than we had done before, but the fact that I knew where it was going, made the nerves come on full force. I wanted this. I wanted to do this. But knowing that didn't make me any less fearful.

Eventually his right hand left my cheek, sliding down and playing with the base of my neck, the rise and fall of my chest seeming that much more obvious. His fingertips seemed to dance along my skin, their movements burning and nerve-wracking, terrifying and exhilarating all at the same time. I felt like it took forever for the journey of his hand to make it over my breast, down the side of my stomach, and past the bottom material of my dress.

He held onto my thigh tightly, and I couldn't help but wonder if he was just as nervous as I was, if he was trying to ground himself to this moment here with me as I was trying to with him. I wanted to reassure him, to tell him that this was okay, that this was what I wanted, but I knew if I opened my mouth to try and voice anything, coherent words would not be what were heard. My mind was too much of a mess to say anything, to do anything other than kiss him.

My mind was very separate to my body at this moment in time, lost amongst the stars in the sky as Edward moved to kiss down my neck, sucking lightly on my skin.

I lifted myself off of the ground as he grabbed at the bottom of my dress, tugging upwards to remove it. And as I lay in nothing but my white cotton bra and matching underwear, I held my breath as he looked me over, not meeting my eyes as his hands searched for the clasp at my back.

When the only thing left was my panties, I lifted my shaking hands and pushed through the buttons on his blue plaid shirt, trying and failing to move quickly so I could even out the states of our undress. I felt too exposed, too open while he got to remain hidden.

"Bella, relax," he finally said at my third attempt to get the second button undone, his hand coming to my cheek, urging my eyes to meet his. "It's okay," he continued, whispering the words of encouragement. He leaned down and kissed my lips once, softly, before he sat back up and undid the shirt himself.

Shrugging it off his shoulders, he tossed it to the side, lifting up his white undershirt and doing the same. When his chest was bare, I let my hand run across it, starting at his heart and traveling down his abs, resting at the top of his jeans.

"Will you take these off?" I asked, staring at the hair on his lower abdomen rather than his face.

He didn't answer me with words; he just undid his belt and popped the button, lowering the zipper and pushing them down his thighs. He looked funny as he tried to remove the dark material while he was still kneeling, and if I was significantly less nervous, I would have maybe even laughed at him. It got really weird when he forgot to take his shoes off, and the jeans got stuck, Edward having to sit down fully to remedy the situation. But when all of that was taken care of, a very flustered, still aroused, Edward came back to lay atop of me, dressed in only his green boxers.

I felt better that we were both equally as naked, equally as vulnerable.

"Just kiss me, okay?" I voiced shakily, and he nodded, coming back down to do as I asked. Our naked chests pressing together felt good, though, reminding me of exactly what we were doing.

He groaned into my mouth as his body shifted upwards, pressing himself into me as my hips bucked on their own accord at the feeling. His lips worked down my body next, lingering on my neck before he found one of my nipples, taking it into his mouth and biting lightly, my chest rising up from the ground as my back arched.

Taking it as my approval, Edward continued his assault on my sensitive skin, using his hand to kneed the other as he licked, nipped, sucked, and kissed, over and over again until my breathing changed from nervous shallow intakes to one of breathless moans and heavy sighs. With bolder movements, Edward worked his way downwards, kissing and making patterns with his tongue over my ribs and across my stomach, the tingling he created being too much for me to keep quiet.

Holding my waist, he placed open mouth kisses across one hip and then the other, sucking on my skin right above the fabric of my underwear. Pushing it down slightly with his jaw, his mouth went lower, dancing along the fine line of where my stomach ended and another area began.

But instead of going farther south, he made his way back up, finding my breast again before searching for my mouth, making no time for soft leisurely kisses. I could tell he was worked up, in a frenzy as his body seemed to practically vibrate above mine. I let my hands run over his arms that were next to my head, feeling the dips and bumps of his muscles and the texture of his veins beneath his skin.

His shoulder blades were next, my fingers scratching at the crevices beneath them before I flattened my hands at the center of his back. I pushed him down further into me, enjoying his weight in the right spot as he held himself up. I finally dared to look at his face, and what I saw made the butterflies return in urgency. He was staring at me, his lips parted, breathing ragged, eyes holding only one purpose.

I pulled his lips back to mine then, not being able to take the intensity of his stare, scared that he would see and realize that I could not offer the same look in return. His face was full of lust, seduction while mine was frozen in nerves, mixed with the underlines of want and love. But the latter seemed to struggle to the surface, but I didn't dare say anything, not wanting to ruin this moment for us. This was our summer, our perfect summer, and this would make us—this—perfect.

He said he loved me, and I knew I loved him. This is what people who were in love did. I knew there wasn't anyone else that I wanted to lose my virginity to, and I knew that it was either now or never. This night was as good as any, and I didn't want to regret not doing something. I wanted to give myself to Edward. My heart was already his, so it only felt right to give my body as well.

But I knew it was going to hurt; I knew that it wasn't going to feel good when he entered me, but every girl experienced that the first time. I knew, as he continued to work on my neck, outlining my ear with the tip of his tongue, that he would take care of me. He would go slow, and ease in carefully.

I trusted him to be my first, but was I in the wrong for wanting to just get it over with already? I was afraid that my nerves would pull me back, and I didn't want that to happen. I wanted to be with him, to feel him, to be his first. So, I mustered up all of the courage left within me, and I pushed on his shoulders, forcing him to lift up and remove his mouth from me.

"I want to do this," I said, brushing the fallen hair out of my face. "I want to be with you…this way."

"Now?" he asked, searching my eyes for something I wasn't sure they held.

"Yes."

"Um, okay," he agreed, sitting up for a second and running his hand through his hair. "I don't really know what I'm doing," he finally admitted, just looking down at me when his hands fell to his sides.

His insecurity gave me a bit more confidence, and I sat up with him, kissing him on the lips softly before I hooked my thumbs in my underwear, not looking at him as I shimmied them over my hips and down my thighs, having to sit back down to remove them the rest of the way. I tossed them into the pile of the rest of the clothes and sat with my knees bent, naked but still covering myself as I wrapped my arms around my legs, waiting for Edward to do the same.

He did, watching me as he removed his own underwear, fumbling over the blanket to get to his jeans, searching for the back pocket for his wallet. I was confused at what he was doing until he pulled out a condom, holding it up for me to see and smiling sheepishly.

Taking a deep breath, I lay back down, closing my eyes as I heard him tear the foil, not wanting to see him put it on himself. When he was done, his head bent down and he kissed my knee that was still raised in the air, his hands gently coming to slide between them, softly prying them apart so my legs rested to my sides. I was completely spread before him, and I opened my eyes to see that he was looking at me there. His head rose a bit so his eyes were on mine, and he smiled.

"Are you sure?" he asked, and I nodded my head yes in response.

He leaned over me then, his elbows coming right above my shoulders as his face was only an inch away.

"I love you," he whispered, kissing my lips.

"I love you," I said back, surprised that I was even able to say anything. This was it; in a few seconds, I wouldn't be a virgin anymore. I took another deep breath, shutting my eyes again.

I felt as his hips moved against mine, his erection lining up as he moved his hand to put it where it needed to be. I felt the tip of it, and I squeezed the blanket beneath my hands, griping it in my fists.

And then slowly, ever so slowly, he pressed into me, my head turning to the side as his forehead fell at my neck. We both released a deep, shuddering breath, but his seemed to be more in pleasure while mine held nothing but pain.

"Are you…are you okay?" he tried to speak as evenly as he could.

I turned my head to look at him, and he lifted his to look at me back. I needed his eyes; I needed him to reassure me. "Uh huh," I answered. "Just keep," my breath hitched as he moved again, "going."

He tried to kiss me throughout it, but he couldn't concentrate on doing two things at once, so he would sometimes kiss my neck and alternate with my mouth. But then it got really awkward when his mouth just hung open against mine, so I turned by head and wrapped my arms around him, pulling him to me so his head rested at the crook of my shoulder.

I just lay there while he did all the work, thinking that if I helped and moved at all, something was bound to break inside me. I concentrated on my breathing. This will be over soon, I chanted to myself.

His body felt wet against mine, sweating heavily and sliding against my skin. I hated to say it, but it just further grossed me out. This whole experience was nothing that I thought it would be. It hurt...it hurt like hell...and I didn't feel any closer to Edward even though he was as close as he could physically get.

The pain didn't lessen, but my resolve and reasoning for doing this did. I felt too young, too inexperienced, not ready. He kept going, and the only sounds that filled the night were from him, and it seemed like forever and equally no time at all before he was done, collapsed against me.

My legs hurt, my muscles hurt, my whole body just ached, and when he pulled out, sitting up and looking at the sky, for some reason, that hurt too. He didn't look at me when he tried to regain his breathing. He didn't say anything or come to lie with me. And it all made me feel very alone.

The cool night air suddenly felt cold, and I squeezed my eyes shut to try and keep from crying. I really didn't even know why exactly I wanted to cry, but I did. I had wanted this; I had initiated this. But all I really felt afterwards was that Edward just took something from me, and I wanted it back.

It wasn't his fault, it was my fault, but I just wanted my mom. I wanted her to tell me this was okay, that what I did was okay, because right now I didn't feel like it was. I was so confused.

The silence between us continued to stretch on, and eventually Edward came to lie next to me, our bodies not touching as he looked up at the sky. I wasn't sure of what I was supposed to do. What was I supposed to say? It was awkward, and he felt miles away.

Knowing that I just wanted to go home and shower, sleep this off and hopefully feel better in the morning, I turned my head to look at him. "Can, um, can you take me home?"

He looked over at me then, as if he had forgotten that I was lying there, and his face held a look of confusion before he answered, "Okay." Sitting up, he passed me my clothes, and I sat up, putting them back on with shaking hands.

I was slipping my sandals back on as he packed up the basket, and I saw the deep colored stain on the blanket, suddenly realizing that was blood from me. For whatever reason, that was my breaking point, and the significance of everything we had just done crashed upon me. I started crying, turning around and practically running to the truck, my hand covering my mouth to keep from being too loud.

"Bella!" he yelled, leaving the basket and the blanket as he took off after me.

I was already in the truck when he got there, but he didn't go to the driver's side, instead he came around to where I was, throwing open the passenger side door and saw me curled over, hugging my knees as I cried. I flinched away from his touch.

I didn't want him to touch me. I wanted to take it back.

I wanted my innocence back. I wanted to be a little girl again.

"Bella, please," he begged, the fear so evident in his voice that it made me cry harder.

It wasn't his fault. He was only doing what we both wanted, what we both talked about.

"Please stop," I cried again when his arms went to hug me, but he didn't listen. I didn't want him to see me like this. I was embarrassed and insecure and completely out of my element. He pulled me into a hug anyway.

I started punching at his chest, trying to lessen his grip. But the harder I fought, the harder he held on.

"Baby, please, please," he repeated, but the use of the word "baby" only hurt worse.

"Stop," I cried, my pounds getting weaker. "No." My voice was so low that I wouldn't have been surprised if he didn't hear it as I finally gave up and allowed him to hold me, my head on his shoulder as I cried into his neck.

He didn't let go. He didn't leave. He didn't stop.

He scooted me over further into the truck as he climbed in beside me, sitting down and holding me to him. His hand brushed back my hair, keeping my face to his chest as he tried to sooth me. I felt his tears fall, pooling at the top of my head as we sat there for an unknown amount of time.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," he chanted, thinking that I was blaming him.

But I wasn't blaming him. I was blaming me. I just didn't have to the words to tell him that. I was feeling so many things at once, so many emotions that I couldn't place them all. I didn't know how to deal with all of them. My only reaction was to cry, the only way my body knew how to deal with the guilt, the confusion, how sorry I was for treating Edward this way.

My cries eventually stopped, my chest finally being able to take a full breath, but the tears still streamed down my face. My head was still awkwardly pressed right bellow his neck, and his arms were like an iron grip across the top of my back, keeping me from going anywhere. Even when he realized that I would stop fighting him, he didn't release me, which only sent my emotions further in a downward spiral of guilt and sorrow. I knew he loved me, and I was letting him down by acting like a child. But a child was very much how I felt.

When Edward, sometime later, looked at his watch, he said it was going on midnight, and I knew I needed to get home. Charlie would be worried if we stayed out much later, and I was glad for the excuse to leave this place. He climbed out but scooted me back over, reaching for the seat belt and clicking me in, not meeting my eyes while I stared down at my lap.

Saying that he would come back and get everything that we left by the tree, he walked over to his side of the truck and started it up.

The only sounds made on the way back was that of the loud engine as we left the place where I gave away my childhood, my purity. The only thing I got to leave with was a confused heart and a scared boyfriend.

It wasn't fair.

I wanted it back. And I was pretty sure, as he kissed my forehead before I got out of the truck at my uncle's, he did, too.

…

END NOTES—

I don't want your hate mail. There has been plenty of foreshadowing by both Edward and Bella in the older chapters that has referred to this moment.

To ease some of your fears: No, this is not their downfall. No, this is not why Bella never came back. No, this obviously doesn't affect or change where they are now. No, no, and no.

Not every time teens have sex for the first time is it perfect and happy. If you've been reading carefully enough, Bella has just started exploring her sexuality, and she—along with most teens—don't realize the emotional consequences of having sex with someone. And yes, we all love Edward, and she does too, but sex is not child's play. This might have been more intense and not like what you went through, but she is confused, and this was the only way she knew how to cope with everything that she was feeling.

This story is not going to have unnecessary angst, but this is going to be Bella's story. This is what she went through. All of that being said, please be respectful if you review.

And in better news…two updates a week means happier times ahead. And if you're really down, go read the last chapter in PRESENT time, where the two adults share some good lovin'.