Disclaimer: I don't own Terra or Garth or Kole or Nark or anyone cool. I own like three people in this story, tops. If even that.
A/N: Nark is Gnarrk in the show. The caveman guy that threw Kole around. Yeah, that's him. Make sense? I hope so, because we'll be seeing quite a bit of him in this chapter. And in several up coming chapters. I'm rather fond of him myself.
Also there's some drinking and implied sex ahead. Not for very long, and I don't go into vivid detail, it's just I thought you guys deserve to know. That, and this will probably be one of the only chapters that this happens in, okay? (BTW Tara is eighteen, so there is not statutory rape in this story. She's legal.)
Jar of Hearts
Chapter Two
Once Upon a Time, in a far away land a man and a woman fell in love. But they couldn't be together, for the man was royalty and the woman was not. But they had a child anyway and then the woman and that child had to move away, but only with gobs of money so that the child could have everything that she wanted in life.
The little girl grew up and she was christened Terra and she had beautiful blonde hair and blue eyes and an easy smile with a sunny disposition. She had everything that she could have ever wanted.
And then she grew up and fell in love with a man that was much older than she was. He was a teacher and theirs was a forbidden romance. They couldn't be together no matter how much they wanted to be because society wouldn't let them.
So they snuck around until they were caught and the man was sent to jail and the girl was mocked and ridiculed and called a whore all for falling in love. The man that she fell in love with denied that anything had ever happened, and she died, sorrow deep in her heart.
Basically what all that crock of bull means is that my dad was an all important guy over in Markovia and he didn't give a shit about me or my mother and he gave my mom a butt load of money so she'd shut up about me and so his wife, the Queen, wouldn't get pissed.
Then I grew up for a little while, and ended up looking exactly like my mother (which can either be seen as a blessing or a curse). I had more friends than you could shake a stick at and then one day my whole world shattered because I fell in love with the World Geography teacher.
It wasn't my fault. He had a soothing voice and nice hands and how was I supposed to know that he was just using me, that he was only saying that he was in love with me just so I would have sex with him? I was only fourteen.
Then my mother found out thanks to my diary entries and suspicious behavior. Then we went to court and my mother and step dad put him in jail and left me on my own to nurse my own broken heart.
I didn't go to school for weeks and when I came back I was a totally different person. I wasn't Terra anymore. I was Tara, pronounced tar-a, for tar black, just like my new heart. I became a totally different person, the person that was always there underneath my skin, just waiting for her chance to escape and show the world what I was really like.
I buried Terra alive under layers of rubble and then became the cliché bitchy mess that we all know and love today, the one with only one friend and with a frigid exterior. The one that everyone gossips about simply because they can.
Terra doesn't exist anymore. Tara is in control now, and she would never be that foolish or naïve or stupid. She knows what men are like and she smokes and she has sex and does all those things that your mother warned you not to be with simply because she can.
I'm not the girl people want me to be.
Fact of Life: Everyone has a dark side.
oOo
I'm stacking each and every ketchup packet that I used on my French fries one on top of the other in an attempt to be efficient and artistic with my trash clean up. Hey, even I care about the environment.
Kole, however, doesn't appreciate my masterpiece. "Will you quit doing that? People are going to think that you're a weirdo."
I shrug. I stopped caring about what other people think a long time ago. Besides, most of them are losers and jerks anyway, and I shouldn't bother wasting my time on them.
Kole reaches across the table and snatches them from me. "Now eat your fries."
"Yes mom." I roll my eyes and pop one into my mouth and chew slowly just to get on her nerves. She's in a bad mood because she just found out that she failed her latest Physics test because she disagreed with the teacher on some sort of genius scientist thing that I have no idea what to say because, well, I don't understand it. My strengths are history and math. Not science.
I'm never going to try and understand Kole's brain.
I notice Raven Roth looking at me across the crowded cafeteria. I glare at her and she glares back, twice as fierce. Or at least, she tries to. Bitch.
Raven and I have never really gotten along, not even when Garfield Logan (the boy that's she's been in love with from the start of forever) and I used to hang out, back in the eighth and ninth grade. She's way too cold to have any real friends anyway, plus she thinks that I totally and completely betrayed Gar or something ridiculous like that. It gave her a reason to hate me, at any rate.
Please. I hadn't been trying to hurt him like that. We weren't even dating. But then again everyone knows that Gar isn't exactly the brightest color in the crayon box anyway.
"Hello lady. And Tara." I look up and see Nark grinning, thinking that he's being clever. Poor boy. If only he actually was clever.
"Nark, can't you go away. No one sitting at this table wants you here," I flick a fry at him but the moron has fast reflexes (it's one of his few talents) and he side steps out of the way, totally avoiding the ketchup covered blob that was coming his way. I can't believe I wasted one of my fries like that. He's not worth it. Not at all.
"I want you here," Kole pipes up, attempting to kick me underneath the table. I have to bite my tongue so I don't laugh when she winces.
The look on Nark's face is so pathetic that I snort into my food. I would find it kind of sad really if Nark didn't try so hard for her. And Kole still has no idea, the poor girl. She's so oblivious to Nark's obvious crush.
He's been in love with her since the ninth grade, which is when he moved to this school (he moved in the middle of the year while I was MIA) and she was the only person that would talk to him and actually give him the time of day. And he's been a goner ever since.
"Okay, only half the inhabitants of this table want you here. So go and sit with your buddies already."
Nark just shrugs off my comment and I know that he's about to begin our daily 'Battles' as I've dubbed them, even though neither of us usually win. It's just something that we do, because we really don't like each other and never really have. I think he's an idiot and he thinks that I'm a huge bitch.
Fact of Life: Some first impressions aren't always right. Most are.
He never had a chance to know Terra. He got here too late for her to ever have met her. Instead, to him I've always been Tara. It's almost refreshing to have someone know the real me from the start. You can almost say that he's the person that I'm the most honest to.
He sees through me in ways that even Kole can't, and I can see through him just as easily. We have an understanding.
"Tara, your hair looks especially awful today. Did you do something new to it?" My hair is actually pulled up for once today because I didn't wash it this morning, so at least he isn't having to dig that far for an insult. I'll give him props for that.
"Nark," I sit up a little bit straighter and try to mimic his tone. "Your face looks especially awful every day. And don't worry, I know it's natural."
"Are you sure you need those fries?" Nark gestures to my tray as though I'm going to gain twenty pounds just by looking at them.
"Are you sure you need those balls? Heaven knows you don't use them." I flash my brightest smile at him, and at this Nark's face turns a bit red and I know that I'm going to win. If Kole doesn't...
"Guys," Kole says, exasperated, interrupting us just like I knew she would. "Must you do this every day?" Kole hates the fact that her two closest friends dislike each other. She's forever trying to get us to play nice, and it's forever not going to work.
"Yes," we answer at the same time, and then we glare at each other. He's about as awesome as heat rash on my butt.
"She deserves it," he protests, as though he's innocent and I'm the blame for everything. Please.
Fact of Life: Only newborns are truly innocent.
"A lot of people deserve a lot of things. It doesn't necessarily mean that they get what they deserve," Kole points out, and Nark and I mull that over for a minute before he decides to disregard our whole conversation all together and starts talking about something else.
"Hey, Kole, are you coming to the game tonight?" Nark tries to ask this casually, but I can see the eagerness on his face. Nark is one of those red blooded American males that plays and breathes football, and expects the same reverence of that brown pigskin from everyone around him. It's quite sickening really, especially because he's pretty good at it. I know he's shooting for a scholarship, and I think he might actually get one.
And believe me, I'm not just saying that.
Kole doesn't even notice the look on his face, instead she's trying to get as much of the school's spaghetti (Which is actually quite disgusting, in my opinion, but Kole loves it. But she also thinks that her dad cooks edible food, which isn't exactly the case considering that he has more important things to do because he's a scientist than follow a recipe.) into her mouth as she can. When she sees us staring at her, and that Nark just asked her a question, she swallows nosily and says, "What? Sorry, I didn't catch that."
Nark repeats his question and Kole shakes her head. "Nope, sorry, I can't go. I have a million things to study for and besides, isn't it an away game? Next week Tara and I will go, right Tara?"
Of course. Because that sounds like just as much fun as getting three root canals and sticking my foot in a bucket of acid. I desperately want to say this, but I shrug instead, knowing that if I did let my mouth run Kole would probably get pissed and we don't want that now.
Nark looks genuinely disappointed. I'm sure he would love it if Kole became one of those girls that went to every football game and cheered her boy on and that he could talk about all of the games to, and that he could see her in the stands because she'd be right in the middle of things.
But that's just not the type of girl that Kole is, and he knows that. Or he should at least.
"See?" Kole begins smoothing everything out, the way she always does because she's just that type of person. "I'll go next week, scout's honor."
I'm about to say something, if only to deny Nark the pleasure of replying to that awkward statement, when Garth walks by. I almost choke on the fry that I'd been chewing. I hadn't been aware that we had the same lunch too. I should have realized that this would have hapened, though. The Universe and I have a complicated relationship.
"Hey Terra," he calls out, which makes Kole whip around to me excitedly.
"Tara! You know the new guy?" There are practically stars in Kole's eyes. This is the happiest that I've seen her since she failed that test this morning. Oh boy. "He's so cute. Do you know where he's from? Are you guys friends? How do you know him?"
Of course Kole moved here the year after he moved away. She wouldn't know that he used to be my best friend, or the fact that our mothers are friends and still talk. She doesn't know everything about me the way that she thinks she does. She might know the nature of the beast, but that's about it.
I set my jaw. I'm not about to answer any of those questions, and by the way Kole's eyes dim she knows that she's not going to get any answers out of me either. Nark, though, can't get one thing out of his head.
"Did he just call you Terra? Who's that?" He looks as though he thinks that Garth meant to call on someone else. If only Garth really was mistaken.
I look straight at Nark. "I know who I am," I say, continuing to look straight at him as I pick up my syrofoam tray. "Don't ask about things that you won't understand. I need to go, Kole, I have to go talk to Mr. Russel about the part of class that I missed."
See? I really am a good girl. Deep, deep down.
oOo
To say that I was relieved to go home would be like saying that kleptomaniacs like to steal things. Seriously. I hate high school, it is the one place that I won't miss if I grow up, and I could never, ever be a teacher.
Elementary was fun, but then again elementary is always fun. The teachers actually care how you turn, everyone is your friend, and you have recess.
Middle school, also known as hell on Earth if you're a girl, was okay, at least for me. I was never one to start many confrontations then, and I always had plenty of friends. I was never worried about being popular of fitting in so for those two years were a walk in the park.
But then High School, which in my district starts in the eighth grade, started. At first it was okay. My ninth grade year I made Varsity Cross Country and was proud of that fact. I still had friends and everything was alright in the world.
Then I made a mistake, made the wrong choice, made a boo boo and that changed everything. Now I understand why adults say that they hated High School.
It would be pretty unbearable if I didn't have Kole, or even Nark to talk to. You could say that they're my saving grace, Kole more than anyone though. Nark is just entertaining to rile up (Like the time I told him that I licked his hamburger and I didn't, which made him freak out for about an hour until I finally admitted that I lied. He didn't talk to me for a week, as if that was supposed to bother me or something.) and to make fun of.
When I got home and locked my car (even in gated communities you have to follow safety precautions, after all) and see an unfamiliar car in the driveway. It's probably one of Bob's, who is my mother's husband now, business associates or something. Those people are forever around the house, buzzing like bees around a soda can.
When I walk into the foyer and drop my backpack down by the stairs I hear a voice that makes my voice run cold. I know who that is. I might not have seen him in months, but I would have remembered that voice anywhere.
"No, I think that I've got it now," the voice is saying and it's coming even closer to me. My flight or flight instinct kicks in and it's all I can do not to run away and go up into my room and shut the door. But this is Brion, my brother. This is my family.
Fact of Life: Family is supposed to love you no matter what.
"Thanks."
"Oh, no problem," My mom replies. "I'm glad I could help. I hope that everything goes well for you."
They both stop short when they see that I'm standing in the same space that I am, and Brion isn't even looking at me. He's looking at one of the pictures behind us, the same one that I remember him telling me, years and years ago, that he thought it was ugly and that Bob had bad taste because Bob picked them out for my mother.
"Well, I think that I'd better go," Brion says shortly, and other than the fact that his voice is tenser than before, he gives no indication that he even sees that I'm in the same room as him.
As he walks past me I whisper, "Hi," hoping against hope that he'll respond. But he doesn't, and it's not like I really expected him to. I burned that bridge a long time ago.
Brion is my half brother. My father, his high and mightiness over in Markovia, sent him to my mother to take care of when there were hints of revolution and when dad tried to take him back Brion wouldn't go. He said that he needed to take care of my mother and his baby sister.
I wonder know that if he knew how his 'baby' sister was going to turn out if he would of stayed. Probably not. He'd probably run back to Markovia as fast as he could without a backwards glance. Brion hates me, and for good reason.
Fact of Life: I hurt everyone that I love.
"Tara," my mother says, completely ignoring the fact that my brother just totally gave me a verbal slap in the face. She's good at things like that. She believes in the 'rich people' philosophy of raising kids. You can do whatever you want as long as you don't get caught and you don't bring shame upon the family.
I've only brought shame upon the family once, and I've only gotten caught once, and believe me, it's not a mistake that I'm going to make again.
"How was your day at school?" She sounds so much like one of those concerned mothers from after school specials that it's all I can do not to scream.
"Just peachy," I say, grabbing my backpack so that I don't have to come back downstairs to get it. "I think that I'm going to go out tonight, is that okay?" I need to go out because I need to forget. I need to forget what happened today. It's so easy, especially if I can get her permission.
"With Kole?" Mom asks and I almost want to laugh. As if Kole would ever be caught where I'm thinking about going.
"Maybe, I haven't decided yet." I don't think Mom has gotten the concept that I have no friends. She probably thinks that I have millions of friends that I'm just hiding from her and that we go out together all of the time. Whatever.
"Sure you can," Mom decides after about two seconds of thinking about it. It worked out just like I expected it to.
"Great," I reply, and I'm not sure if I'm being sarcastic or not.
oOo
It's around eleven when I decide to go. I tried to convince myself that this time it will be different, that this time I won't be the girl that everyone expects me to be, but I knew that it was a lie and decided to go out anyway.
Fact of Life: It's always easiest to lie to yourself.
I drive around in my car for a while trying to decide what part to go to. It's not like I'm ever invited to any of the parties that my classmates have, not even the huge ragers that everyone comes to just to trash the house and get wasted. It's been years since I've been invited, and to be honest I don't miss it.
Once I went uninvited because I had nowhere else to go, and believe me, it's not a mistake that I'll ever make again.
Then a thought enters my mind and I drive over to the local college, right on Greek Row. The sororities here now how to party, and there are always older men (as well as free beers) here. It's a place that I've been often, although most of the people there don't remember. Thank God for alcohol induced memory loss, I suppose.
I step out of the car and I can already hear the bass booming of the music that's blaring from speakers that are most likely sitting on a folding table. The air holds sparks of excitement and desperation in the air. It smells like smoke and fear and sweat. Just the beginning of another party.
I take a deep breath and walk in, hoping that no one notices that I'm in high school. If someone does notice, which I seriously doubt that they will, well, that'll open a whole other can of worms that I can honestly say that I'm not ready to open.
I go to these parties to escape, so that Tara can really show her true colors. I told Kole that I'd try to stop, but it hasn't been working, and it's not like she actually expected me to stop anyway. If I stopped going to them what would happen to me then? What would happen to her?
Those are two questions that I really don't want to answer.
When I get close enough to the throng of people that are all congregated around the backside of the beautiful house I weave my way through all of the people and manage to find what I was looking for.
Sweet, sweet alcohol. The thing that dreams are made of. I find a cup and pour me some, just a little bit, and I swig it. It burns going down, but it feels more good than bad when I'm finished with it. I decide to pour myself a lot more and then start to walk around, looking for something to do.
There's some dancing (of course, at parties like these there is always some dancing) and with the porch climber flowing through my veins, making me feel more alive and alert than I have in a long time, I decide to go dance.
Almost immeadlity I find a partner. He's cute and he has red hair, but I'm not taking any chances, not tonight. "How old are you?" I ask, and I can feel the alcohol fading from my system. Damn it. That's not good. I need to go and get myself another cup. I can't do this sober.
"Nineteen."
Not good enough, bukaroo. Go find someone else to talk to. "Can you go get me some Jungle Juice?" I ask nicely and flash him my pearly whites in such a way that makes him stumble back a bit (My mother's genes shine through strongly on me, evidently she used to be able to make people do that, at a larger scale, because her charms also worked on females, too. I seem to not to be able to go that far because most girls my just don't like me.) before he nods slowly and walks off like the idiot that he is.
He comes back quickly and I manage to side step him, not spilling a drop from my drink as I maneuver my way around him. I'm not nearly drunk enough if I'm able to do this. This guy, Ginger, is though and I can walk away easily. Good. I don't need a creeper stuck to me like glue on rubber all night.
I gulp down more of the stuff and when my cup's empty I find a cup that's been abandoned on the table. I'm hoping it's drugged.
When I finish that the whole world seems to sparkle just a little bit more, and suddenly everything seems hilarious. That dude that just tripped over that rock? It had me busting my gut, and I know that I'm right where I need to be. There's just a sliver of comprehension and clarity left, but knowing me that'll all be gone soon anyway.
I get myself another cup and stumble around, and watch as about half of the other girls here do the same thing. It's hilarious, especially because the other half watches in deep disapproval. As if they are better than us.
This gets me laughing even harder, and I almost choke on the beer that I'm drinking because I suddenly have a flash of a Fact of Life. We're all the same underneath. Every last one of us.
While I continue to walk around the party I bump into a short blonde guy that has broad shoulders and is wearing a black shirt with a chain necklace around his neck. I spill half my drink on him, the other half gets on myself, and when I see that I start to giggle. Then I try to stifle them (which doesn't work well at all) and end up getting louder. The stains are pretty big, and I wonder if we're going to have a wet t-shirt contest or something.
I burst out laughing until the guy does too,even though he doesn't seem to think that it's as funny as I do. This is how I know that he's the one. I sober up suddenly, and I study him. He looks older, but at this point I could really care less about that. He's looking at me intently.
"What's your name?" he asks, and I almost giggle again.
"Tara," I reply, and then I steady myself and press my lips against his. He seems surprised at first, but he doesn't pull away.
We start making out in the corner of the garden for a while before he asks, "Do you wanna?"
I nod my head 'yes' and I can feel the alcohol fading. I want to get some more and when we pass by the table hand in hand, him leading the way, I pick up another unattended cup and chug it down. I throw the cup down on the ground before we get inside the house.
I never go inside at parties because I know that one way or another I'll get in there eventually.
oOo
I'm in that twilight zone between sleep and consciousness and I know that I'm going to have to get up.
I feel sticky and dirty and nasty, and I know why. I can hear him breathing beside me, his breath even and untroubled, and then I know that it's really time to get up.
I never stay. I always leave before morning. I would never stay with a boy who couldn't even say my name right (he called me Kara the rest of the night), let alone someone whose name that I didn't know.
I get up and get dressed, and I hope that I don't forget anything. I always do. Every. Single. Time. I don't know why I do it. Maybe I'm subconsciously trying to make my mark or something. Next time you see me maybe I'll be slashing a giant 'T' into everything.
Just the thought makes me giggle, which makes me realize that maybe I'm not quite as sober as I thought. Just to prove a point I pick up one of the many markers on the floor and I write a nice and fat 'T' on the wall, right where he'll be sure to see it. And he'll probably have to pay for the damage.
With a final snort I walk to the doorway, where I turn and look at my latest conquest. He probably won't remember what happened, with me, and if he does, well that's too damn bad. I know that it's too much to hope that I won't remember it either, because I know that I will. I always remember.
As I walk to the car, the night too still and quiet after it had previously been so loud, I feel that familiar wave of self loathing crash over me, drown me, and then pull me back out to the sea like a riptide. It always comes down to this. I'm suffocating and there's no one to pull me out. I can't fight it so I have to float here without moving.
But then the flash flood is over and I can breathe again. I get into my car and try to pretend that the tears on my face is just excess rain water from a rainstorm, but I can't fool myself this time. My car's brand new; it isn't going to have a hole in the roof any time soon. It's almost hard to drive with all of the tears coming from my eyes.
I haven't cried about this in years. The first time I cried, and the first time I did it this way, with the alcohol and the boy that I didn't know I cried. I haven't cried since, except on some nights when I had felt extraordinarily stupid or regretful.
Maybe it's because of Brion. Maybe it's because I know that he was right, and if he could see me now he would hate me more than he already does. Maybe it's Garth, who came expecting Terra and instead got me, the fucked up and defective replacement.
Maybe it was everything and anything. I can blame a lot of things, but the thing that I know I won't end up blaming is myself.
(My fault my fault my fault it's always my fault.)
I can hardly concentrate on the road and if I try to get home I'll die, or worse, I'll get pulled over. I'll bet that situation would cause 'shame upon the family'. I pull over at a small house, one that's two stories and has a yard where there are only bushes and a trellis where there are vines growing because all of the flowers have died. I begin to crawl on the trellis (which, by the way, is way hard and I wouldn't ever recommend doing it when you're drunk and you feel disgusting) and when I get all the way up I knock on Kole's window, our special knock, the one that lets her know that it's me that's at her window and not just some random weirdo serial killer.
I feel so tired now, everything from me is drained and when Kole opens her window, an resigned expression on her face, I practically collapse right then and there. I'm willing to sleep on the floor, as long as I can sleep in peace and just be left alone and untouched for a couple of hours.
"Oh, Terra," Kole breathes as she helps me walk to her bed and she lies me there, smoothing the hair from my face that's been stuck there thanks to the help of both sweat and tears. "Why do you do this to yourself?"
"That's not who I am," I say, my tongue thick and lazy. Not anymore, I want to say but I can barely speak now.
So, so tired.
"Yes, it is," Kole says before helping take off my shoes because she knows from prior experience that I won't do it and I'll end up getting her sheets all dirty because of my muddy flats. "You just don't want it to be."
A/N: Good God, do you know how long this took to write? But I did it, because Tara wanted me to, and hopefully so did you. Hopefully.
This story's chapter lengths won't be consistent (seriously, don't expect them to be long every time) but I have a specific place in mind where I want to stop a chapter, and really it just depends on how much Tara has to say before I can stop. She had lots to talk about in this one, as you can see.
This is going to be one of the 'worst' chapters, you won't see much of this 'bad' stuff. And we'll be meeting Garth properly... eventually. Probably not in the next one, but the one after that. It's going to be interesting, to say the least.
Oh, and I'm just going to say this now because it's going to make things a lot easier on the both of us if I explain this now: Tara lies. All the time. Especially to herself. Don't take much of anything she says at face value. If you want to know all the things that Tara lied about in this chapter (or any chapter from her on out) just ask me and either I'll tell you... or I won't because it's going to be important later.
And now I'm going to shut up, because this Author's Note is getting about as long as the chapter.