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Jar of Hearts
Chapter Five
The line between my dreams and nightmares may have been so thin that it was practically invisible, but I still remembered the long and lazy days of childhood. Garth had been my best friend since our mothers, women practically cut from the same cloth, were friends and we just naturally grew together, the way that two cherries grow together to eventually become one.
But then he left me, just like everyone else did. I didn't want him to come back, not now. He would just be one more person to expect things from me that I couldn't give. One more person to become disgusted with me. One more person to disappoint.
Was it any wonder that I didn't want him around?
..O..
I honestly couldn't believe that I was actually here. That I was actually doing this. Kole had better thank all her lucky stars that I was so damn cooperative. Sometimes I hated myself for going along with all of her crazy plans.
It was cold, I was in the middle of a crowd, and I was showing school spirit. Three things that I absolutely could not stand. Kole, of course because she's such a great person, was having the time of her life. Or something.
Me? Not so much.
Something happened on the field and then all of a sudden everyone around me stood up, the band that was on the right of us started playing what Kole had informed me was our school fight song, and then everyone went absolutely crazy.
I really wanted an aspirin.
"Tara!" Kole called, looking down at me. I could barely hear her over all the noise. "We just scored a touch down!" Obviously she wanted some sort of response to this ground breaking news.
"Woo-hoo," I said, waving around the complimentary school flag that we had gotten at the gate thanks to the Spirit Club. My wrist got tired after the second motion, though, so I stopped. It wouldn't be in my best intentions to go home with a sprained wrist. Kole looked at me, obviously frustrated. "What?" I asked after she sat back down again. "It wasn't my idea to come to this stupid thing."
"You could at least act like that you want to be here." I just looked at her and she finally backed down. "Okay, okay. But still, it means a lot to Nark that we're here. Football means a lot to him."
I snorted, as if Nark really gave two craps that I was here; he was really only worried about Kole. "Kole, honestly, if Nark knew I was here he would probably be really surprised, but that's it. Really."
She got a thoughtful look on her face as she watched my face. "I think that you two actually do care about each other more than you let on." I honestly could not believe that she just said that. Denial, thy name is Kole.
Fact of Life: It takes a special person to be that delusional.
"Kole. Seriously?" She just nodded at me, which caused me to roll my eyes. Time for a change in subject, and I knew that the one thing that would get Kole's mind of of being stubborn was that one special person. "Is Joey here?"
Kole frowned, it was the first time that I had seen her look down all night. "No. He said he doesn't come to these kinds of things." I didn't blame him. This wasn't exactly where the artsy fartsy type like him would be welcomed. "That he didn't really like them." I had to bite back my smile. I was starting to like this kid more and more, and I hadn't even met him yet.
"Don't worry," I drawled, "the fact that he's not here is a sign that he has at least half a brain." It seemed like everyone that I despised and everything that I despised- two for the price of one!- was here and I absolutely could not wait until the damn thing was over and I could go home and pretend that this had never happened.
The clock on the scoreboard seemed to be mocking me. Five minutes had passed, at least, so how had thirty seconds only gone by on the scoreboard? Tease. Kole owed me. She owed me big.
To help pass the time I imagined all of the ways that she could make it up to me. Maybe she could be my personal slave for a month; I wouldn't mind having someone to massage my feet every day. Or carry my books around. Or even carry me to class. Kole was shorter than I was, sure, but I weighed less than she did so I could probably catch a ride piggy back if I was really being serious about it.
Or she could banish Nark from our company for two weeks. I bet that'd break his heart. It couldn't be any longer for two weeks, though, because any longer than that and Nark would turn into a pathetic puppy dog and he'd probably follow us home or something utterly ridiculous like that. I wouldn't put it past him.
Even when Nark and I were in fights- which, to be honest, was over half the time- and he couldn't stand the sight of me the longest that he could stay away from Kole was a week and a half before he went absolutely insane.
If I had a heart, which I don't, I'd think that was cute. But because I was who I was I thought the whole thing was pathetic. He either needed to grow some balls and tell her or to get over it. Either way wouldn't end well for him. I knew that Kole didn't have feelings for him beyond friendship, and I think that deep down Nark knew that too- it's why he never said anything.
And now that Joey had come into the picture everything had just become a thousand times more complicated for our resident doofus. Now he'd have to work harder for Kole's attentions. Personally the whole thing made me smile. And it made me want a cigarette because I knew that watching this thing unfold would probably make my whole month.
I just hoped that I got front row seats.
Suddenly Kole grabbed my arm, "Look," she cried, her gaze set on people down at the bottom of the stands, "it's the new boy, the one that talked to you at lunch the other day."
Oh, of course it was. This just made my day that much better- which was to say not at all. I could honestly not believe how much annoying there was in this football stadium. If everyone annoying left I'm pretty sure that the only people that would be left would be me, Kole, and the janitor and the only reason he'd be there was to make sure that he got his two fifty an hour.
He was walking with Raven Roth and Kori Anders, of course. They had been friends and I'd heard that Garth had kept in touch with Garfield Logan (Smell that smoke? Oh yeah, Garth had definitely burned me.) and as they all had this circle of friends, kind of like the mafia, they were probably now friends with him as well.
Of course they were, Garth didn't have a mean bone in his body and everybody had always liked Garth. He'd always had this quality about him that made him instantly likeable. That, along with the fact that he was practically Adonis made over, made him a hit with the ladies.
Call be paranoid, but I wondered, as I looked at them together, if Raven was telling him things about me. Things that everyone at school already knew, granted, but still. I wondered if he believed her. Probably, Raven had always had this sort of quality about her that made you think that she was extremely honest. Maybe it was the fact that she never lied, but just because the girl was Honest Abe didn't mean that I had to like her or anything. Bitch.
They looked like they were arguing though. Even from my place high in the stands I could see that Kori looked uncomfortable. If I remembered right Kori had never been able to stand confrontation between her friends. If people did something to her friends that was another matter, of course, but whenever there was a squabble between two people that she cared about Kori was always the fragile peacemaker.
This time, though, she probably couldn't do that. Garth was shaking his head at her and he started walking up the bleacher stairs. I could see Raven telling him something after him and he turned around, responding to her. I almost wished that I could see his expression to get some idea of what they were saying, but his back was to me and the only expression that I could see was hers, which didn't exactly mean much. Raven had always been skilled at keeping her emotions off of her face- a trait that I had always admired and wanted for my own, as loath as I was to admit that.
And then I realized that he was walking toward us- toward me- and I wanted to groan, put my head in my hands, move away, or all of the above. But I couldn't do anything because Kole was sitting right next to me.
Kole had no idea about our history together- it was one of the things that I kept hidden even from her. She had moved here after he had left, which was how I latched onto being her best friend in the first place. After he had left I hadn't spoken about him much, because it hurt and I had missed him.
After I grew up a little, and he'd gotten his opportunity to make it up to me but didn't, I didn't talk about him because I had outgrown him and I wanted no reminders of Terra, the hopeful little girl. So history was in the making here because Kole was going to meet Garth for the first time ever, my two best friends one old and one current going head to head.
I was not excited about the fact that the only people that really truly knew me, maybe even better than myself, were going to be in such proximity of one another.
As fate would have it as soon as he sat down next to me the other team scored. The irony of this did not escape me. "Hi Tara," he said, and I was relieved that he called me by my right name. I didn't want to have to keep reminding him of my name.
Just because he swam like one didn't mean that he had the memory of a goldfish, thank God.
I couldn't exactly ignore him so I made a noise at the back of my throat and I watched him smile as though I had just thrown my arms around him and screamed in joy. If I ever become one of his fangirls please shoot me with a shotgun.
Ever the polite bastard Garth turned toward Kole, "I'm Garth, a friend of Tara's. I don't think that I've ever met you...?" he left the question open and Kole was all too happy to finish the thought.
"No, you haven't. From what I can gather you moved away before I came here. I'm Kole, and you obviously already know Tara."
"Yes. We grew up together."
This simple statement had the power to make Kole's eyebrows raise to new heights. "Really? She never said anything like that."
"Well that's Tara, she's full of secrets now." What was that supposed to mean?
Finally I couldn't stand them talking about me as if I wasn't sitting between them. "Oh yeah, I'm a real woman of mystery." I glared at Garth and he looked back at me, amused. I had just given him what he wanted and I didn't want to do that again, so I decided that no matter how annoying things got I wouldn't say anything. But my mouth couldn't resist adding one more thing. "Or at least I am to my old friends that ignore me for almost ten years. But it's not like that's my fault, is it?"
I smiled sweetly at him and I saw that emotion, the one that I had seen earlier in the week when I had demanded that he stop talking to me, flash over his face, as well as guilt. Ha. I suddenly felt a surge of strength fill me. I was victorious. I felt invincible when I brought people down. If I was being honest with myself that feeling was kind of disgusting, but it was kind of like how a dog barks; I couldn't help it.
I saw questions in Kole's eyes when I turned around but I refused to answer them and I knew that Garth's politeness, the kind that had been ingrained and bred in the both of us through and through (the kind that I had shed like a second skin), kept him from disagreeing with me.
That and the fact that he knew that I was right.
"So..." Kole started, trying to restart the conversation that I had affectively killed, "where are you from?"
Garth settled down, at ease at what was most likely going to be an interview like scene, but he couldn't completely hide that emotion from me. I knew that it was there behind everything. He never had been able to hide things from me.
"I actually moved here when I was two years old, and then my Chip, my stepdad, got a promotion to move to Singapore. He's in the oil business, and when there was that huge oil spill in the Gulf his company felt like it would be better if we came back to the States."
As soon as he mentioned Singapore I saw a light flare up in Kole's eyes. She's always wanted to travel. I fight back a groan and settle in to what is probably going to be a long and drawn out conversation that I won't be a part of.
"What's it like there?" she asked excitedly and Garth smiled at her reaction.
"Well, we can't chew gum. It's illegal."
"What?"
"They're really strict on trash and litter over there, so there's not gum. I had to come back to the US if I wanted some." I have to resist the urge to raise my eyebrows. When did he come back to our lovely country?
It's kind of sad how much I cared about that. Pathetic, really. I should just get away from him, from everything that he represents. He brought back things that I hadn't thought about in a long, long time.
If I hadn't smothered her for so long, and had been so practiced at doing it, he would have brought Terra back.
I stopped listening as he started to describe the Pacific Island that he had lived on and just watched the players on the field. I couldn't make out who was Nark and who wasn't because they all looked the same to me. Just little boys in uniforms playing a game.
His voice was starting to really grate on my nerves. It's not like his voice was annoying or anything in the traditional sense of the word, but I couldn't stand listeing to it. I started to grit my teeth and clenched my jaw trying to get his voice out of my head.
He didn't sound like he did before puberty, obviously, and it was a nice, deep, rich voice but the fact of the matter was I wanted to banish him, or something. Kole was listening to him like he was the best thing since sliced bread, but I begged to differ.
Eventually it just got to be too much and I stood up and walked off, going to the bathroom or something. If I was going to react like this every time I saw him I was going to have to get over myself.
I promised myself that I wouldn't react like this ever again. I wouldn't ever run away from him or anything pertaining to him. That had always been one of my vices, I wanted to run before anything bad happened and I couldn't do that anymore.
I found my way to the bathroom and found an empty space of wall that I could slide down. I put my hands over my eyes and my head between my legs.
Suddenly a sweet little face got in my sight. A little girl with large brown eyes and brown hair to her chin clipped back so that you could see who she was. She was wearing a cheerleading outfit. "You're crying," she announced in wonder, her high voice traveling throughout the bathroom. "Mama says that big girls don't cry, but you're a big girl and you're crying."
Big girls don't cry. That was a sentence for only myths and Fergie songs, not in real life. I hadn't been crying, thankfully I didn't cry when I was mad, only when I was upset or sad.
I always cried, though. It was just one more thing to loathe about me, the fact that I cried so easily, but I'd always been emotional. According to my mother when I was four years old I had watched the Titanic with her and had sobbed at the end of the movie because Jack died. (I didn't know if that was true, but it probably was.)
"Big girls cry too," I said, knowing that if anyone but a little girl had come to my rescue I would have lashed out at them, but I had always liked younger kids. They were so innocent, so candid, so open and curious to everything, the total opposite of what I was. "We're just not supposed to."
"Oh." she paused and put a hand on her hip. "Well, you shouldn't cry. You're pretty," she commanded.
"Thank you." I really wanted to laugh, but I couldn't because she was looking at me so earnestly."You're pretty too."
Before she could respond her mother called harshly for her. "Patty! Leave the girl alone and let's go," she sent me an apologetic look. Patty looked back at me, as if to make sure that I was going to be okay, before running up to her mother.
With a sigh I decided to follow Patty's example and got up and walked all the way back to Kole, Garth being noticeably absent. Well, good, that was the pretty much the point.
"He left," she informed me as soon as I sat down. "I was actually kind of disappointed because I really liked him. Why did you do that?"
"Do what?" I asked innocently, as if I had no idea what she was talking about. This did not amuse Kole, and she narrowed her eyes at me, seeing through my act complexly. I hadn't realized that I was going to piss her off this much; it was one of the things that I took for granted because she hardly ever got mad at me like other people did.
"Scare him off like that! What did he do? He said that you two used to be friends. What did he do?" Kole repeated.
I wanted to tell her, but I knew that if I did that she wouldn't understand and I didn't want her to know because it was shameful and horrible. This was something that she didn't know about and I certainly wasn't going to admit the truth to her. I didn't want to explain myself.
It wasn't what he did exactly, it was what he didn't do.
I shrugged and she looked at me with careful eyes before looking at the game, which thankfully was almost done. Once it was I could go home and act like this had never happened. Then I would face Garth, one day, eventually, and things would be okay, I hoped.
A/N: God, I am so so so so so so so so so so so so sorry! Really, I am. I just kind of... left fanfiction for a while. But I've really missed all of the characters in this story, Tara especially. And Nark. I will try to get better, I really, really will. And Clair-Rae, I promise that I will go review your fic like soonsoonsoon.