Authors Note: Thanks to my beta for proofing this.
Disclaimer: Halo, Sangheili, Rtas, Thel/Arbiter and other canon characters belong to Bungie Studios/343 Industries. However, Original Characters, like Zeno, belong to me.
Chapter 6: Tears
Later that day, Zeno and Sani dressed up to go out for dinner. Zeno was having trouble shaking certain aspects of Runi's history, how he had lost someone he loved, yet refused to really talk to anyone about it. It felt like it was familiar, but he couldn't place it. With a shake of his head, Zeno cast it out of his mind as unimportant and finished getting changed.
He stepped out of the bedroom and stepped toward Sani's room to see if he was ready yet. Sani must not have insured the door was completely closed, as it was open a crack. Before he could stop himself, Zeno took a peek and blinked in mild surprised.
Miko? He thought in puzzlement at the nearly fully nude figure in the room. Zeno shook his head and when he looked again he saw Sani instead. Not again…, Zeno thought in despair, stepping away. Unbidden, memories rushed to the surface, threatening to send him spiraling down into an emotional wreck. Please, not here…not now…. But no matter how hard he tried though, he could not push them back, could not lock them away. It did not help that Sani naturally bore some resemblance to Miko.
He couldn't let Sani see him like this, so he went to the first secluded place in the residence that he could think of to give him a chance to recompose himself….
Sani finished dressing and stepped into the living room, only to his surprise Zeno was not out there waiting for him. Strange, I could have sworn I heard him leave his room a moment ago, he thought. The homestead seemed unnaturally quiet as well, like he was the only one in the place. Unnerved and a little worried, he started searching for Zeno. He checked Zeno's bedroom first, but it was empty. While the restroom door was open it proved to be empty as well. No Zeno in the kitchen either. He was about to assume Zeno had left the residence completely when he found him viewing room that served as a pseudo-balcony.
The Zeno he found was not the proud, confident man he had come to know.
He was sitting on the bench, his right elbow on the armrest, his hand over his eyes. His expression and body posture showed a man in some form of distress: it looked like he was desperately trying to hold back tears. Tears of what though?
Sani remembered the briefing he got before he left his keep after he was drafted, a warning really, about how most Sangheili considered showing tears, or to admit to be in pain, to be a sign of weakness. It was a stark contrast to his own keep's views, where members could count on coming to each other for comfort if they needed it, no matter the source of discomfort.
It was those views that came to the forefront now: he wanted to comfort Zeno. Zeno was obviously in some form of pain and after all he had done for him so far, Sani wanted to give back a little of that kindness. But would Zeno accept it? Many Sangheili he had encountered were very arrogant, full of pride and would never accept such comfort. Zeno proved to be one of the more humble Sangheili he had met, but that he had hid himself away told Sani that he did have some of that foolish pride that was widespread among their people.
Yet, Sani found he could not walk away and leave the man in peace. "Zeno?" he asked. "Are you alright?"
Zeno's head snapped up and around to look at him, his eyes wide with a hint of terror within. Though the light was dim, Sani could see a hint of tears in his eyes. "Sani…I…," Zeno said, looking at a loss for words for a moment. "It…it is nothing, nothing you can help with, at least."
Yeah right, Sani thought as he approached and sat down beside him. "I doubt that," he said softly. "You have helped me a lot the last few days, Zeno, let me at least do something for you in turn. What has caused you so much distress?"
"Sani…I do not want to hurt you…."
He was a bit confused at that and a little worried. "Was it something I…."
"It is nothing you can help, Sani. You cannot change what you look like…."
"I do not understand."
Zeno was silent for a long moment, looking out the window and into space. Finally, he said. "You…bear some resemblance to someone I once knew, someone I loved…someone I…lost…."
Zeno's eyes closed and his breath was now shaky, as if the very mention of it still pained him greatly. Sani understood now: the loss of a loved one was almost always hard on the ones left behind. "Who was this person?" he asked, hoping it wasn't too sensitive a question.
It was indeed a sensitive question for him.
Zeno looked at Sani, whom looked at him expectantly with those bright, yellow-green eyes of his. There was no hint of judgment, only understanding. Zeno realized that he never did talk to anyone about Miko's death and what he meant to him, not fully anyway. He either didn't have the chance, or had a lack of people he trusted to talk to about it. Or he ran away from them: he mentally winced at the memory of what he did to Henun.
Yet, here was Sani, a man he barely knew, whom had his own troubles to worry about, wanting to help him. Was it in repayment for what he had done for Sani so far? Or something else? He did not know. But he did know that he really needed to talk to someone about this.
After a long moment and a deep sigh, he finally said, turning his head away. "Miko 'Kemotee,…he was my lover."
"Oh…," Sani said, his eyes widening slightly at the revelation. "What happened to him?"
"Brute got him at the start of the Schism…I…I could not save him…."
"Sounds like he meant a lot to you…," Sani said, placing his hand gently upon his.
"Yes…," Zeno admitted, the memories all rushing back once more. "He…saved me on that planet I told you about before, taught me how to accept myself for what I am…so much more. I…got this to remember him by." He rubbed the tattoo. "As I had nothing of his due to all that happened during the Schism, yet…it did not seem to ease the pain of his loss much….He still haunts me, even now."
There was a moment of silence before Sani spoke up. "So…he has been gone for about four years?" Zeno nodded. "Did you ever grieve for him properly?"
"No…." Zeno's eyes widened when he realized that.
"That is why he still haunts you."
"I do not…."
"My uncle once told me that to keep your emotions bottled up, especially ones like sorrow, will only cause you more pain in the end. They keep building up more and more pressure, until it finally breaks, crushing and drowning you all at once, leaving only a broken shell behind," Sani explained. "Miko's spirit must know you have yet to fully grieve for him; he knows you are slowly destroying yourself by not doing so. That is why he seems to haunt you; he wants you to release all the grief and sorrow before it destroys you."
It made a surprising amount of sense to him, but he was hesitant. "But, I need to be strong for you…I cannot…."
"Zeno, I am a Hilvum: we do not subscribe to the foolish notion that showing so-called weak emotions such as sorrow in public as being shameful. We do not, I do not, care if you break down into tears in front of me. In fact, I would be more than willing to give you what comfort you need while you let it all out."
"You would be willing to…."
"Hivum, Zeno…It is in my nature."
Zeno thought back, way back, to when he learned of Kou's death. He barely knew Miko then and was still not fully accepting of his status of being a semo, yet he allowed Miko to comfort him. Why was he having so much difficulty allowing himself to grieve in near-strangers arms now? Frustrated with himself, he rose and wandered to his bedroom.
"Zeno?" He heard Sani get up and follow him. Zeno didn't turn around to acknowledge him: he was trapped on the verge of letting go of all those tears he held back for so long, yet something was still holding them back.
Suddenly, a pair of arms wrapped around his torso, squeezing him in a gentle embrace. He could feel the heat of Sani's body against his back, the slightly tickling feeling of his breath on his skin. "I am here for you," Sani's soft voice whispered to him.
That did it. The gates opened. First a single tear fell, followed by a couple more. Shortly after it was a torrent….
Circular room, heavy iron door, stone walls….
Oh no, not this again, he thought, turning around. Sure enough, he saw the amorphous blob behind him, its long tentacles reaching for him. He pressed himself against the wall, trying fruitlessly to keep away from it. Why did he even bother? It got him no matter what he did….
He became aware of something very hot on his skin. Then pain.
"Yeouch!" He yelped when he realized he had bumped into one of the torches on the wall. The bump dislodged it from the rotting holder and it clattered to the floor, close to part of the blob. The blob then 'shrieked' as if in pain, the part of it that was too close to the fire moving away. It is afraid of fire… he realized, picking up the dropped torch, hope rising in his breast.
For the first time, he went on the offensive, waving the torch in front of him, driving back the blob. It seemed faster now, trying to avoid the flame, but he eventually struck it once, then twice and several times more. The last blow must have been critical, as suddenly it started gushing water from a burnt hole he had made upon its surface. This water splashed against his feet as it spread across the floor, the blob shrinking in the process. Eventually, the blob was only the size of a basketball: harmless to him now, as it quickly oozed under the iron door, leaving a wet trail behind it.
Yet that was not all it left behind.
In the middle of the room, now revealed by the light of the torch he held, was a key. Picking it up, he noticed the end of the key had the same shape as the symbol on the padlock. Quickly he strode to the iron door and put it inside the padlock. With a twist, the lock snapped open and fell to the floor with a thud.
With a joyous cry, he opened the door…
Zeno yawned as he stirred, a part of him not wanting to awaken, for he felt so warm. He purred softly, savoring the warmth, a kind of warmth he hadn't felt in a long time, one that he had badly missed. As his mind awakened, however, he became aware of the source of this warmth: it had its own heart beats, its own scent…
…a scent he knew.
He bolted upright and looked down, confirming with his eyes what his other senses were telling him. Sani was in his bed, again, and he had been using him like a warm pillow. How did… Question in his mind died before it could be completed when he remembered the events of last night. Sani finding him alone and despondent, talking to him about letting go all the sorrow….
By the gods, I must have been crying all night, he thought, realizing just how swollen and puffy his face felt.
"Good morning," Sani said, now awake himself. "How do you feel?"
Zeno had think a moment. "Relieved…," he said softly. "Is the best word I can think of to describe how I feel…H-how long did I…?"
"Hours," Sani replied simply.
"And you held me all that time?"
The smaller Sangheili nodded, a faint smile on his face: a smile that made him feel…he couldn't describe it. "You finally fell asleep around midnight, I think," Sani said. "But I did not want to let you go even then, for even in your sleep you still wept. That…That had been a lot of tears you have been holding back, all this time…."
"Yes, yes it was…." Zeno recalled the dream, how he finally found a way to fight back against the blob and all the water that it spilled. Was the release of his grief and the blob related? Or was it just a coincidence? He shook his head, unable to make sense of it. Then both their stomachs rumbled loudly in protest. "Oh blood, we never did eat dinner did we?"
"No. Guess we should have an extra large breakfast to make up for it eh?"
Zeno chuckled as he pulled himself out of bed, Sani doing the same. "Yeah, I guess we should."
Fortunately the diner they had planned to go to last night served breakfast as well. As they ate, Zeno couldn't help but notice how much lighter he felt, like a weight was lifted off his hearts. And it was thanks to Sani, he thought, looking across the table at him. He knew he still had a way to go before he could truly move on however. Plus whether or not the change in the nightmare had any significance still bugged him. He wasn't sure who to talk to about that kind of thing though.
Later, shortly after doing some minor ambassador related stuff, he came across his old friend Luke. "Luke! How are you doing? ONI still treating you well?" he asked, patting the human on the back.
"Zeno!" Luke said, coughing from the blow. "Not so hard. Humans are not as tough as you Sangheili."
"Ah, that is right, sorry," Zeno said with a smirk.
"Anyway, I am fine, save for the new bruise you just gave me. I heard about the stowaway you took under your arm…."
"Sani? Yeah. A young man in a situation he did not know how to get himself out of. I decided to help him out."
"You know the security guys are still grumbling about it, right?"
"They can kiss my scaly ass."
"Right…lovely mental image there…."
Zeno laughed at that, but then turned serious. "Luke, how much do you know about dreams, as in…what they may mean?"
"Dreams? Depends," the blond haired human said. "Most mean nothing as it's just busy work your brain does while you sleep. Some, according to so-called 'experts', can have meaning, especially if they are reoccurring."
"This one was definitely reoccurring, with little change to it until last night." Zeno then gave Luke a brief description of the dream, how it usually went and how it ended last night. "I wonder because also last night, I wept heavily for the first time in years for someone I lost."
Luke looked thoughtful for a moment. "There is an old saying that went something along the lines of 'drowning in your sorrows', but I think that usually refers to drinking while you are depressed…."
"Well I did do just that after being woken up by that nightmare," Zeno grumbled.
"Naughty, Zeno, that is bad for you ya know?"
"Humph, your drinks do not have nearly enough kick in them to cause me any harm."
"Right…anyway, the two events, the dream and the crying do seem to be related, though it is certainly not a reoccurring dream I have ever heard of before. It sounds more like a dream you'd have after watching a bad monster movie while eating stale popcorn."
"I have to agree with you there…."
"Probably has to do with you being an alien and all, you know? Usually we humans have reoccurring dreams that have to do with falling continuously, being chased, teeth falling out of your mouth…those kinds of things."
"You humans have weird dreams. Just what do those mean?"
"I think the teeth one has to do with money, but do not hold me to that."
"Money…how the heck does that relate to teeth in any fashion?"
"Well if you knew how much those damn dentist's charged to work on your teeth, I think you'd see why."
"Makes me glad my kind have no need for dentists to begin with."
"Lucky bastard." Luke paused for a moment, then added with a cheeky grin. "Though that explains why your breath always reeks."
"Hey!"
That night…
He thought he was done with this place, but apparently there was more to it, for he found himself in a new room after stepping through the door.
This one was rectangular in shape and had alcoves carved into the stone wall on either side. In these alcoves were weights of various shapes and sizes. Barring the way forward, like the first, was a heavy iron door with a strong padlock locking it. This time, the lock had a green symbol in the shape similar to the weights on the shelves. Next to the door, on the floor was a pressure pad and above the pad, about chest height with him, was a panel.
Obvious, he thought with a smile. I need to find the right weight to put on the pad to open the panel and the key will be inside. Confident that this will be easy, he studied the pressure pad for a moment, noting how it was slightly sunk below the level of the floor and was only roughly a foot and a half square in size.
Then he walked beside the alcoves, studying the weights. He didn't know how much weight was needed to trigger the pad, so he picked one that was small enough to fit on the pad and felt heavy enough to maybe trigger it, then placed it on the pad. Nothing.
OK, no problem, just need to use a heavier weight, he thought, returning the weight to the proper shelf. Picking up another one, he tried again, only to get the same result. Shrugging, he selected another one: again nothing. This is going to take a while…, he sighed as he put that weight back and selected another one.
This one was rather heavy, making him struggle to put it on the pad. This time though he was rewarded with a click. However, instead of the panel opening like he was expecting, he heard a rumbling noise above him and it was getting louder with each second. Looking up, he saw that the ceiling was literally falling toward him.
"Fuck!" he cried as he ran for the only safe place he knew: the other room. He managed to roll into the other room just as a large cast iron block crashed into the floor just behind him. The impact was so great, the torches were knocked off the wall, the chains swayed and he was certain he saw a few cracks form in the stone floor.
Shaken, he watched was the iron block started to slowly rise back up. Cautiously, he stepped back into room, watching the iron block warily. OK, choosing the wrong one will get me flattened into a Sangheili pancake… he thought, quickly pulling the weight off the pad and setting it aside. He also made careful note where the iron block impacted, seeing that the pressure pad and the door were not in the blocks path. Another place to stand and not get flattened in case he triggered that falling ceiling again.
Still, this was already proving to be a nerve wracking and tedious puzzle to figure out….
Zeno woke up with a minor headache, the new dream still fresh in his mind. Dammit, not another one, he thought with a sigh. If the blob was related to my sorrow, as Luke suggested, what the hell does this one represent?
He hoped he would figure out this one quicker than the last….