Chapter 6: If Loving You is Wrong...
I knew this would happen. Seeing Sam again, holding her close to me, it was bound to happen. And I wouldn't want it any other way. I was happy, and she was happy, she had that smile that I kill to see, not that overexcited one that would always be plastered on her face when she was around Jesse. She was like she was before, when she was my Sam. She had no one to impress when she was with me, because she was all that mattered, not anyone else. And she had me hooked so what more mattered? But in truth, seeing Sam again brought me back to a reality that I was too afraid to face without her. Without her, I felt lost like a file in a computer that was all too valuable. Or like a useless battle card in an online match. But now, I felt like I was a recovering addict, that was still addicted but okay with it, because it was making me healthier, as weird as that sounded. I was just happy to have my drug that was Sam back in my life.
It was more that I could ask for. Having her here with me again as she let me caress her body that I loved so much, to put my hands on her hips where they always fit perfectly when she was on top, to guide her and help her, was all that I would want at times like these. But at the same time there were the restrictions that took me back from the happiness that was restored to me. I couldn't touch her the way I always did. I couldn't kiss her for longer than a few seconds, when I would love spending hours and hours focused on one particular spot. She would freak out all the time when I would, slap me away only to shove me back with her. I couldn't blame her. Any bruise, any sweet delicious mark that we would give each other would further escalate the obvious. That neither of us liked the idea of being away from each other. And worse, that we couldn't go a second without touching each other.
When I touched her after she punched me at our reunion two weeks ago, I knew that she was going through a pain that was inside of me. I felt it when her knuckles collided with my jaw, she threw out her every ounce of frustration that she had about this whole situation. And at first, I expected it, I expected her to have kicked my ass honestly, but then I saw her face, full of resentment and pain, and knew that she didn't want to hurt me. I'm sure that she didn't even want to punch me when she did. And when I placed my hand on her cheek, I felt that tug that she always did to me. That sensation that pulled me closer and closer until my lips touched hers.
But I hated her with such intensity because she was putting me through hell. I wanted to put her through that hell. Two to three weeks of pure depression, where you didn't even want to feel the light of day. I seriously considered it. I wanted to push her off and leave her there outside the elevator doors, to show that she too meant nothing to me. But I couldn't. I never really could pull myself away from her. Like I said, she was the drug that I would run to get high ten times over. She was a virus that I would inject myself with. She was a cancer, and it was as if I was refusing chemotherapy.
These past two weeks felt like they were longer than the time I was depressed, after finding out Sam had a boyfriend that was like me and not like me. But I was happy for that. It was like before; Sam looking for me or I looking for her, finding each other and slipping into the bedroom. It was more this time, these precious moments of quiet murmurs and strong attraction for one another. I felt that attraction that Sam had for me, almost matching my own. I love her, I know I do, but I never mentioned it again to her. I didn't want to scare her, because I knew that she was not thinking straight about all this. I don't know where her heart is when she is with me, but she knew where mine was, and that was more than I could ask for. The way she never wanted leave at nights when she would sneak in my room told me that she too felt the same. I just knew that Sam might not care for me as much as I did, but I knew that she did harbor some feelings. I knew that she was lying when she was ranting to me. She tried so hard to keep it to herself too; she wanted to forget about me. But there was no way in hell would I have let that happen. And deep down I had a feeling that she chose not to either.
And I didn't know which was worse: the fact that I was making Sam cheat on the guy that she is involved with, or that she decided to cheat on him, and continue cheating on him. I just couldn't bring myself to blame her entirely. I couldn't blame her at all. I didn't want to. And so I didn't. I kept it out of my mind. That she was the same Sam that I left, and came back to. I pretended that she had no boyfriend; that it was just me and her like it always was. I just held her when she told me to, kissed her when she brought herself to me, and cradled her when she spent the night at my house, after we shed our clothes to have sex. But deep down I couldn't bring it completely out of my mind. I could still see her with him, a very different Sam than the one here beside me, under my covers.
I think that's what would always make me get a knot stuck in my throat. That once this week is over, she would run back to him. I live in that constant fear. That this was all under a magic spell that would be destroyed once the clock strikes midnight. Nothing could pull me away from that reality in which I lived in. I felt as though it was so far away, and yet right around the corner. But with one look from Sam's face, her arms around me, even just her smell of lavender mixed with my tick shampoo reassured me that it was still too far to worry about. So I didn't, I just went back to her, feel her warm and wet, ready for me just by having me touch her bare shoulder.
And I would always want more. I would always wish that this night or the next she would tell me to kiss her like I used to before he was a part of her life. I would even dream about the day she would just walk up to me and tell me the best news; that she was no longer seeing Jesse, and that she was all mine. That was the day that I always dreamed about.
But when it never came, I never pressured her. I didn't want her away from me again. So I just wait. Much like I am now.
I should have seen this happening. I should have never touched him. I should have never gone to Carly's apartment. And I definitely should not have gone to Freddie's after and talked with him. It was all so fast. But that's just how it was when I was with him. Everything went by so fast. Like if we never stopped talking, like if I was never with anyone but him. But the main problem with that was that I was with someone. I am acting like the whore that I said I never wanted to be.
When I went to Carly's house, I really did want to see him. But I was caught off guard seeing him there, that look of sadness and pain on his face. I hated that he looked like that, because I caused it. I caused him to be so sad and depressed. It was then that I felt guilty. But when he started ripping on my relationship with Jesse, that look of sadness was replaced completely. He had no right to dismantle the happiness that I was experiencing. So I wanted to cause further pain. I wanted to make him hurt harder. I wanted him to feel what I was feeling as I was spewing out those lies: anger that I wasn't with him, that I wasn't touching him, that I wasn't kissing him.
And when he told me he loved me, I felt as though I couldn't breathe. I knew my face changed from hatred to sadness to hatred again. I didn't want to hear his love for me. I didn't want to know what he felt for me. I just wanted him to be happy for me. And telling me he loves me destroyed any chance of happiness that I could acquire. I felt as though he was just playing with my emotions. Like it was just a low blow. But when he chased after me, I knew he was serious when he said it. And it scared me. It was a happiness that I could have, but I couldn't bring myself to grasping it. Because I was still thinking about Jesse.
I was just so blind to not even want to notice it. But I could feel it. I felt that he still cared for me, even after I did what I did; find another guy, tell him I didn't love him any more, that I never did. He called my bluff in an instant. So I punched him. I punched him to make him hate me. I could handle his hatred; it was what I always knew in life. I never understood love though, and it honestly scared the shit out of me. But in the instant I let out that right hook, I wished I could take it back. I wish I could have taken it all back. Jesse, the fucked up person that I was, us. I wanted us back more than anything. More than Jesse, more than bacon. And when he brought his hand up to my face, my first instinct was to move it. But I didn't want to. I didn't want to pull away from him. I wanted this. I wanted him to hold me close, to touch me like he used to. I wanted him to kiss me the way he used to. And I was glad that he did all that and more. But when I saw that Jesse called, I couldn't help but feel the guilt applying pressure on my chest.
I cheated on him. I did the ultimate deceit a woman could probably do. I wanted to cry, because I just felt so fucking confused. Much like I am right now.
But it's like I am a different person with each one. While one understands what I went through, the other understands who I am. I feel safe with Jesse because I know that he won't decide to get up and leave me. I feel safe with Freddie when he tells me that he wants me there with him. I can't decide between the two. And that's what scares me most of all.
These past two weeks with Freddie has rejuvenated me. It brought back a closure that was so needed in my life. I had the guy that I had such strong feelings for. And I was so scared of losing him now. It was these times that I wished I never had met Jesse. I wished it was just me and Freddie. But Jesse kept a string that tugged at my heart that Freddie never did. And that's what always made me go walking back to his arms. It just felt so right to be held by the two of them. And now that our two weeks without a care were over, I am mortified to know what was to come.
When Jesse comes back tomorrow, would I have the guts to do what I never want to happen to me? Would I be able to leave Freddie? Or even Jesse? Would I be able to completely let one out of my life? These questions are always with me. I try to push them away but with little success.
I try to pretend that it's just me and Freddie, before Jesse came into my life and I feel at ease. I feel relaxed and even happy. But when that phone rings, I find myself pulling away from Freddie and our little peaceful garden of serenity and go lock myself in his bathroom. When I talk to Jesse I don't want to show Freddie how happy I am that he is calling me, how much he misses me. But truthfully, I don't want to see his hurt expression. I don't want to see the pain I am causing. I try hard to stay from any pain, when I know it can't always be avoided.
I bring Freddie closer to me pulling his hands that are wrapped around me tighter around my waist. He goes to kiss my neck, with my hair gently brushed aside so he can kiss it better. I feel his hands roam my body, making me breathe a little harder. He knows exactly what I like. He had three years to find out what it was that I loved, and he always gave me more than I could handle. He would turn me around, so that my body pressed strongly against his, our hips connecting like magnets, his hands cupping my breasts, as my hands roamed in his hair. When he would fuck me, it would throw me into convulsions. But when he would make love to me, I loved staring at him. I loved the way he would stare back, as if he understood what I was doing, and not blaming me at all. I knew I loved him. But he knew that I loved Jesse too. I would kiss him, moan his name as he climaxed, and he would whisper my name everytime, not Samantha, but Sam. That little name makes me fall harder for him. He just doesn't understand how much I can't bring myself to saying what he wants me to say.
It's because when I say 'I love you,' it will decide who I want in the end.
I literally have no clue as to what's happening. I leave for New York, expecting these two to remain strangers, and see them happy to be around each other. It's like nothing ever happened. Not to say I'm not happy that Freddie is out of his room, even out of his house. But the fact that he is talking to Sam again, just after a measly two weeks that I have been gone, is just astonishing to me. And when I ask them about it, they say the same thing.
"We missed making each other's lives miserable." And they say it with a grin. Okay, I may not be the smartest girl out there, but when something as big as this happens I can't help but interrogate them separately.
Freddie tells me that he just plainly missed her. And that they saw each other here in Spencer's apartment (which is no longer mine because it is official, I am moving in with Griffin to New York by the end of the summer) and they rekindled a friendship that I thought was doomed. And when I asked Sam about it, she too said the same thing (actually what she said was, "the stupid nub stole the pie I was after and so I went to go get it while getting the chance to talk to him").
"So you guys are good again? What about Jesse?" I asked Freddie one day when Sam wasn't there.
"What about him?" he questioned. His face showed that there was still something that they weren't telling me. Almost as if the reason they were back to being friends again, was because they were becoming more than just friends again.
"He's not here. And we have Sam again. Why go and ruin it Carly?" he said, answering but avoiding the question it seemed. And Sam, weirdly, did the same thing.
"He's still with his Grandpa. He still calls me once a day. But what should that matter to you Carls? You have me now." She said with a melancholy tone. I wanted to push further into this but Freddie came in, cutting off my questioning.
So I guess, for the moment, its good. Everyone right now is happy, and I couldn't be happier. I had my two best friends again. And they didn't hate each other anymore. It even looked like they loved each other, with the way they were acting.
Hmmm… I can't help but find myself laughing out loud at that. Sam loving Freddie and vice versa. Although possible, it can't be at the moment, when Sam is with Jesse, even if he isn't here right now. I decide its better to have this little inquiry answered by Griffin as he answered his phone.
"What is it babe?" he groggily asked, I forgot it was nighttime over there.
"Sorry didn't mean to wake you up, but what do you think about Sam and Freddie loving each other?"
On the other side of the line I could hear muffled laughter. Guess that question got answered.
A/N: So I really like the alternating POVs and the storyline. And I had to add Carly's POV, just thought it gave the story a bit of a breather from all the intense drama that Seddie is going through at the moment. And I'm thinking the alternations of POV and the story adds the much needed emotion that Sam and Freddie are going through. But anyways, here was the 6th chapter. Leave me a review? I would soo love it! :)
p.s. MissSteffy I honestly never thought about the Notebook until you mentioned it! Thanks for giving me that little outlook of the story, it will help for a future chapter I can feel it. :P