Chapter 8: Commitments

I think this is the longest walk I have ever had to make. And I wasn't even tired of the walking. I wanted to keep walking, and never stop. There was nothing going on in my mind, except the repetition of the same words over and over again. I kept brainstorming ideas and banging my hand against my head in approval and also in disagreement. I just didn't know how to begin any of this. I can't think of any way I can start the one thing I am so afraid of: breaking someone's heart.

Breaking an arm was simple, and it would heal in time. Breaking a heart was vastly different. An arm you can go without. A heart, if broken, can kill you.

But Freddie survived. He told me that he could. And if that dorkwad could do it, Jesse could too. I think.

I didn't think it would be this hard to tell someone that you still love them but love someone else. I think the reason is because in all of those movies that show girls like me in between two guys is because they get discovered. When that happens, she doesn't go with the guy that is disgusted with her; she ends up with the one that she truly wanted all along. She never had to choose in the end. She was rebuked by one and embraced by the other. The only difference here is that I have nobody to choose for me. My life is no fancy over produced movie. Nobody is gonna stand up and choose for me. I wish someone would choose for me, like they do for her. I just don't know how I can start it, how I can start a damaging process, like a snowball. All I get are the same sentences over and over again.

'Jesse I need time. I need time away from you. There is someone else. There always has been. I lov-'

A hobo that trampled in front of me invaded my thoughts, asking me for some change. Without a second thought I shoved my hand into my pocket and gave whatever change I found and dumped it in his hands. Whenever I was with Jesse he would always do that, even though he had no money for himself. He always had to give to others that he said were "less fortunate."

"It's always good to give back Samantha." Jesse would smile in my direction. I couldn't help but smile back every time he did it. He was always in such a good mood, such the optimist. That's always how he was. Even when his dad left him and his mom. He just smiled at his mom and reassured that everything was going to be okay, while his mom would just ignore him and throw herself in bed.

When mine left I didn't know how to take it, just another deadbeat dad leaving a deadbeat family. A woman that never loved him but put up with the man that knocked her up. And the man that decided to fall in love with some other girl and really take a shot at what we call L-O-V-E. And with mom always drinking after that didn't change my attitude into a sunny disposition such as his. I would have rather had a mom that gave two shits about me, rather than one that would completely ignore me when she had 'friends' over. Not that his mom was any better, but she at least knew where her son was.

If it weren't for Melanie and Carly caring for me, I would have rather stayed in juvie, where big boned girls would be in the same boat as me. They may have been big, but I was able to handle it. I could have been ringleader if I stayed; too many were scared of me to have done anything about it. But Carly and Melanie would always keep me out of trouble. Carly would always value the good in me, even when to this day I could never see it. And Melanie was my sister; she saw what I saw and trembled when I did because mom hogged all the blankets. She understood the meaning of a broken home. She understood that dad left because he didn't want us. She knew the definition of abandonment.

And when Melanie left on her scholarship to that snooty boarding school I thought, you lucky bitch. She had a passport to getting out of this dump. And she took it in her greedy hands without so much as saying goodbye. Well, she did say goodbye, but I hated her for leaving. She knew I never liked it. Because now, I had to find other methods of keeping warm at night, when mom would hog all the blankets again.

Well, here I was, right in front of the movie theatres. All I had to do was keep walking the way I was going. I took a long deep breath, and continued, not knowing where Jesse was. I couldn't see him anywhere. Just before I could turn around I saw two hands come across my eyes, blinding me.

"Guess who?" he asked, knowing that I already knew who it was. I turned around and gave him a small hug. I don't know why but I didn't feel like hugging him at the moment. I just really wanted to get this over with. But his smile, I love that smile so much. One of the many reasons that got me to grow to like him. That and because he could take the serious abuse I was giving him in the beginning of our relationship. "For a second I thought you weren't gonna show up Samantha." I shrunk a little bit. I just didn't like my name like that.

"Yeah well, I was helping Carly with some last minute packing and all that chizz."

"At almost midnight?" he asked a little confused. I forgot it was that late. But being the master at lying that I was, I just opened my mouth and let it come out naturally.

"She wanted to be done by tonight so she can start planning her party." Wait party? That is the best you can come up with Sam? What the hell?

"Party? What kind of party?"

"A going away party." Nice recovery. Jesse just looked at me. He knew how much I loved to lie, but this time he actually looked like an idea clicked in his head. I couldn't help but ask, "What are you thinking about?"

"Nothing Samantha, nothing at all." He said, kissing my nose in the process. He always did that whenever I wanted to know something that he did. "So how about we go and check this movie out." As he was ready to walk up to the movie box, I tugged a bit on his shoulder, slender, not at all like Freddie's who's was strong and tan. I needed to do this now more than anything.

"Can we talk about something first?" I needed to get it out of the way. I needed to leave this out in the open. And hopefully he would just make the decision for me. God I hoped he would. Jesse, make this easy for me and figure out what I want to tell you, so I wont have to do it.

"Talk about something?" He rubbed his chin, as if he was thinking about something serious. "I actually wanted to talk to you too Samantha." And it was him that was leading the way toward the nearest bench. I always love to be in control, but in this case I am more than happy to give the reins to him, or any other person. I didn't want to crash my own car, which is bound to happen. "I was just hoping it would wait until after the movie, but I guess now is the best time than anything." He began. Now I wish I could have gone first, because something tells me this is not going to turn out good.

"Well, while I was gone, I was missing you a lot. I was not doing anything except going back and forth around the house. I didn't want to go out and hang out with my cousins or anything, even though they were always trying to make me have fun. It just wasn't normal to be missing you this much Samantha." he chuckled, "And then grandpa saw how bored and sad I was over there, so he sat next to me on the couch and he knew straight away that it was a girl. And not just any girl; is what he told me." I didn't know anything about his relatives, I didn't know who his cousins were, who his grandparents were, and yet here he was, talking about me to them. He rubbed my shoulders as he kept going with his story.

"I talked about you for an entire afternoon. He couldn't get enough information about you Samantha. He loved you and he didn't even know who you were. And then he asked me a really important question: 'Are you gonna marry her anytime soon?'" He looked at me with his hazel green eyes, so calm and optimistic. That question that his grandfather asked made me hold my breath. I didn't know what to say to that. But it looked like Jesse wasn't expecting a response. Maybe a reaction, but not an actual answer to that question.

"I do Samantha." He answered. "I see myself everyday with you. And when I don't, it just feels weird. I love you so much that I can't see me with anybody else. I just never really felt this way about anyone else. At first, it was kind of weird, and even a little bit scary, but what scared me even more was the fact that I could lose you any day if I didn't do what needed to be done." He looked at my eyes, which were filled with tears. "It's because I am in love with you Samantha Jolene Puckett. I do, so much, that I want to marry you even. And its not because you have a pretty smile, or because you can go through a whole rack of ribs and still have enough room for an entire pie." He took my hands in his, kissing both and placing them on my lap. My mind was so blank; I don't even remember what I was planning on telling him. "It's because you know me like I know you. You understand me just like if you were me. I am in so in love with you, that if you want we can go to Vegas right now, tonight, and get this over with. What do you say? Will you marry me?"

Oh my God. This isn't happening. This is just a dream that has gone from bad to unbelievably worse. He grabbed my hand, awaiting my answer, while at the same time pulling out a ring that looked old, but very pretty. The diamond that was square cut gleamed its ugly head in my eyes. I wanted to open my mouth, but nothing could come out. I was mute to this whole thing happening. I know that my heart was screaming to say no, but lower than that, it was jumping for joy and that it was pushing me to say yes. Finally, I managed to bring some words, arranged them together to make a coherent sentence.

"I…need to…go." I said. Jesse's smile faded so fast my guilt was lodged at the base of my throat.

"What?" He tucked the ring back inside his pocket, and I felt like I reached the surface after being submerged for hours in a pool. "You mean you don't want to go see the movie?"

"Jesse… I need…to go talk to someone. About all this." I said. I did. I needed her advice now more than ever. I realized that now is when I needed her more than ever, because she knew about relationships, she had one herself. She was married, with a kid on the way to boot.

Melanie.

"I am going to go visit… Melanie." I blurted out. Jesse still had that confused look on his face. He wasn't angry that I didn't say yes about his proposal, more like he was expecting me to have said something else. Maybe he was expecting me to have talked to Carly before answering. But I did notice the happy gleam wipe away from his eyes when I didn't say yes. He couldn't possibly think I would have said yes straight away. I can't even think for myself and now he wants to throw this at my face. Fuck. This.

I tried getting up but felt my knees were like jelly. I wanted to run, but felt as though I would have tripped and cracked my skull open, which honestly did not sound as bad as it does at the moment. I came here, to the movies, to this exact spot, to break up with this guy, only for him to throw out that he doesn't just love me. He is in love with me. So much that he wants to marry me. Freddie never said that he was in love with me, just that he loved me. He never said that he wanted to marry me, only because he knew that commitments were something that scared the shit out of me. But now it didn't sound like such a bad idea. But I needed to know how it was before I actually went through with it.

I looked back at Jesse who was neither psyched nor upset. He just waited for me to tell him again.

"You need to go see Melanie… about this?" he moved his hands in a circle, as if to say that I wanted to talk to her about us. I nodded. "Then I'll take you home so you can pack up. I'll drive you up there and we can-"

"I need to Jesse." I explained. "I need to talk to her about this by myself."

"If it's about me Sam, if it's about us, then I think I have every reason to go too." He said. He had a point but at the same time he was so wrong. It wasn't just about him. Freddie too. And she was the closest thing next to a mother figure for me. She won't judge me, she won't do anything other than give me her piece of advice and ultimately, again, leave the choice in the air for me.

"I'm sorry Jesse. But I need to go alone." I said, not looking at him.

"Samantha, what are you keeping from me?" he asked, trying to see if there was any secret I was keeping from him. He hated that I would do that. I looked at him, hoping that the words cheater wasn't running across my face. When I saw that his face softened, I knew I was in the clear. He let me go. "Alright then. But the least we could do is go watch the movie. We have to spend at least some time together right? We can make that much of a commitment can't we?" He laughed at his own joke.

I would love to be committed into an insane asylum at the moment. I think that right now, in this point in life, it would be better than going to prison, because I know I would fit it with the rest of the crazy fucks in there.

It was almost three in the morning when I heard something go through my window. I rose up and could see her outline in my room. She did it. She finally was mine again. I couldn't hide my smile, my excitement, everything in me just wanted to yell so hard because she was all mine again. I didn't know where to begin. I wanted to kiss her lips, but I also wanted to kiss her white neck, rip off her clothes, have her lay on my bed. But instead of beginning a passion that always ignited within us at the mere sight of each other, she just stood there, not moving toward me or anything. I couldn't make out her face, see what she was feeling, so I inched closer, only to see a very serious Sam Puckett.

"Sam? What's wrong?" I asked. Even in the dark I could tell that she was not smiling. She was not showing any emotion other than two focused glassy looking eyes staring straight at my dark brown ones. Then I was scared. I was scared that she came to tell me that it wasn't over for them, which would mean it would be over for us. Because I wasn't going to have her if she was still with someone. And I still stand by that. But now I wasn't so sure. Because nothing, not even the fact that she was with someone else, was going to convince me to leave her alone. I can't. Even if I wanted to, I know I can't stay away from her. And if she did pick me over him; I will try everything I can to get her back. I swear to God I will.

"I'm leaving. Gonna go visit Mel for a while." She said. That threw me back from my thoughts and on the matter at hands. Mel? What did she have to do with what was going on right now?

"Why?"

"Something's happened Freddie. And I need to go see her." Said, looking at the floor and then back at my face.

"Is she okay?" I asked, "Is the baby okay?" she was six months pregnant. Anything can go wrong at that time.

"I'm just gonna go for a bit. I'll see you when I get back okay?" she kissed my cheek in reassurance. I reached for her hand and kissed it. I know she doesn't like to be comforted, so I watched her jump out my window and on her way to her twin sister's house.

I hope Mel's okay.

A/N:
Okay so I started the regular story line and I was just not liking it so in the end I did the POV alternation thing, while continuing the story! Sneaky huh? :)
And Melanie will be in the next chapter so look forward to that, and to add a final thought: Did you guys watch iPsycho? It was GREAT! haha I literally laughed out loud at the majority of the show. It was awesome.
And the Seddie moments were epic wins. Not gonna say anything in case anybody reading this doesn't want spoilers, but I will say, OMG Sam! (0_o)
Anyways that's all I got to say at the moment. Hope you're liking the story so far, I am loving everyone's reviews so please keep them up!