Chapter 12: Momma Knows Best
I woke up in a tiny full size bed, thinking that it was nothing like Carly's or Freddie's. If I were to roll over any time during the night, I probably would have fallen off. But now that I think about it I didn't move at all, even when I thought I would be tossing and turning all night because of everything that was going on. Instead, I think I just had the best sleep that I ever had in a long time. Carly would always hog the sheets like mom did, and Freddie would always hug me, which was fine, but I loved when I would have a comfortable bed all to myself. The goose feather pillow wasn't a bad touch either.
I got up to yawn and stretch while I was still in the bed, and I found myself dragging my feet over to the bathroom. After washing my face, and pulling my hair back, I walked down the stairs to see Melanie already awake, and cooking. That didn't surprise me. She was always a morning person, whereas I would always be sleeping in even if it were a school day.
"Something smells like breakfast." I casually strolled in the kitchen, looking over her shoulder to see what she was making. French toast. Her specialty.
"I'm sure your nose was smelling that since eight in the morning." Melanie smiled, as she was slaving away at the stove for me. Kevin was gone, he left to work early in the morning to both miss the traffic hour and make it to work. Living in the country had its perks, but at the same time, it was indeed a sacrifice.
"The nose may have been awake, but Momma needed her rest." I answered her nonchalantly. Suddenly an all too familiar smell filled my nostrils, and as I took in a whiff I whispered silently to myself, "bacon." Melanie chuckled my one weakness as she put out a plate and paper towels on it to blot out the bacon grease. I looked in disbelief at what she was doing; the grease was the best part!
"Why?" I felt like crying. Melanie just laughed her infectious laughter. She just didn't understand what bacon was to me, if she was going so far as to poke fun at me.
"Oh Sam, it's just a little blotting. It's still the same bacon." She assured me. My look did not change; I still felt as though my heart was pulled in a way that nobody or nothing ever did. She was separating my two loves from one another. But separating the grease did not stop my hungry stomach so either way I grabbed the grease free bacon and sat down. I felt as though it had been forever since I ever ate (which is always) and I hungrily began devouring my plate. Melanie just sat down and I couldn't help but look over to where she was sitting, staring at me. I wanted to yell what but something told me she was going to tell me what she was thinking.
"Oh the eating habits. How I have missed them." She smiled, cupping her own face. I just ignored her observations of nostalgia and continued focusing on my plate.
After breakfast, I asked Melanie if it could take a shower, and she showed me where the towels where and I jumped in, letting the water drip down on my body. I walked out, dried myself off and got ready to leave. Melanie joined me outside. We exchanged smiles, and I still had a hard time seeing her face bigger, her stomach wider, and wondered if I myself would ever be like that.
"Well…I guess…" I started. It was hard telling Melanie goodbye, much like every other person in my life. I was just not one for goodbyes. Melanie got it and hugged me, her arms around me put me in a state of shock, but after a while I found myself hugging her back, and feeling at ease. I think it was something that Melanie didn't expect of me but inwardly I think she was happy either way that I was showing any signs of affection. At least that's what I thought it was.
"I am glad you came to visit Sam. You should come more often." She told me. I simply nodded and as I turned away from her, Melanie grabbed my hand, enclosing it in hers. "I hope you take care Sam. And with everything that you decide on doing-" I lifted my finger up and closed my eyes. I felt so at peace right now, and her reminding me of the life I would have liked to leave behind was ruining it for me. I came like an accident waiting to happen. I was a bubble without a clue as to what I was going to do, and I didn't want to leave the same way. I wanted to leave in peace.
"Don't worry Mel. I think I know what it is that I want." I reassured her, while I tried doing the same for me. Maybe if I told myself enough times, it could come true. Maybe not, but it sure didn't hurt to try. And at the moment, I was willing to try anything to make my life make sense.
"And?" Melanie was curious to know, but I didn't want to go into it or else I would never want to leave. I simply pulled her hand away from mine and placed it on her side, giving her a smile that was as genuine as I could make it out to be.
"And I'll be seeing you soon enough Mel." I told her. She smiled back at me, like she understood the reasons behind me not wanting to share. And she didn't pressure me, which I could not help but mouth the word 'thanks.' As I hopped in the car, I took one last look at the life my sister made for herself. It was not at all what I ever expected, but inwardly, I could see why it was she chose it. Settling was better than nothing. But secretly, if I were given the chance, I don't think I would be able to just settle. I would always be wanting more.
The drive back home was not as long as I had hoped it would be. The road seemed to be passing by so swiftly. Even the traffic I was stuck in seemed to be going fast. Instead of the two hour drive, I felt as though I took only a little over an hour at most. As soon as I came back inside the city walls, I made my way over to the house I was still living with my mom. I parked in my mother's car in the driveway and walked inside the house, only to hear my mother boozing it up and laughing. I didn't know if she was by herself or with someone, but knowing her, she was just alone, enjoying her own company.
"I'm home." I called out into the house with no emotion. This was always the last place I wanted to be at. I dropped the keys into the little plate and walked out into the living room where I heard her laughing and dropped my bag on the floor. When I looked up my breath got caught in my throat, probably from the weight that just hit me.
"Oh Sammy!" Her entire weight pushed against me and instead of being a good daughter and letting her stay that way, I pushed her on the couch. "Well, rude." she said, brushing herself off.
"Joanne, I haven't hugged you since I was a child. What makes you think I'm going to start now?"
"Because we should be celebrating my sweet little Samantha." She said, pinching my left cheek. I swatted off my mother's attempt of an affectionate pinch, and proceeded toward my room, not having any idea as to what she was talking about. Truthfully, I didn't really care. But that didn't stop her from coming inside my room, her drunken smile still on her face.
"What?" I said, a little annoyed. I didn't want to come home to this dump, especially if I knew that I was going to be followed by her all throughout the house. Her body was resting against the doorway, much like I would when I would go to see Freddie. I couldn't get that thought out of my head now. Fuck.
"Why didn't you ever tell me?" she said, a dreamy look on her face.
"Tell you what?" I asked, as I was looking for some clean clothes in my drawers. I felt like changing before I would go over to Carly's. My mother said nothing and just walked inside my room. She had no right to come inside the only place inside this hellhole that I was happy in that was mine alone. So I stopped her, holding my hand out in front of her. "I don't want you in my room. This is the one place that you do not go in."
"Please Sam. You don't tell me where I can or cannot go in, especially since it's in my house."
"Whatever, just get out." I sighed, changing into my white shirt and pulling a spaghetti strap over it. After I went back downstairs to grab my bag and bolt out the door but Joanne stopped me.
"Sam, sit down. I want to celebrate with you." She plopped down on her favorite armchair. I was still confused. She was celebrating without me about something that was I had no idea about. She was doing fine without me, why did she need me now?
"Celebrate what? You got yourself a new boyfriend?" I smiled to myself, making a mental note of the comeback I just made. My mom went through boyfriends the way I would go through food. I saw her pouring a glass of white vodka in a little cup and passed it to me, as she took a swig straight out of the bottle. I looked at the clock that was mounted on the wall and saw that I had time to hear her out, so I went to sit down on the sofa, reaching for the cup she poured me. At the same time I did that, I saw her lay a ring down on the coffee table. My eyes darted straight to the diamond, and I knew right away that I had seen that ring and it's glare before. I didn't know what to say about this. I was speechless. How did she even come across the ring? Unless-
"Jesse came by this morning. He left almost as soon as you got here actually." She explained the reasons behind the ring that was back in my life with a smile on her round face. I'm sure that the look on my face was of utter shock and dread. Jesse came over and told my mom about the proposal, one that I didn't even agree to. What the hell was he thinking? I didn't even say yes to it. Joanne just went on and on with how happy she was for me. I zoned her out. I didn't want to listen to what she had to say because that ring. That fucking ring just destroyed any sense of peace that I received from being away in the country. It brought me back from the little cloud I was floating on. "Personally I don't have any problem with it. I gave him my blessing before he even told me anything. It's just…perfect." She finished telling me taking another swig of her bottle. I just couldn't take my gaze off the ring, its gleam just as deadly as the last time I saw it underneath the moonlight. I held out my own hand and saw no ring on my ring finger… and I liked it that way.
"Samantha? You could at least show a little bit of excitement. God I swear you can't keep everything bottled up like that." Joanne's words tried waking me up.
I was still looking at my hand when suddenly, everything clicked. Like a machine was finally working in my mind. Jesse has made some things that I was always pressured into doing. When we went to the airport, telling me not to talk to Freddie, and now this. I didn't want to think of any of this because I always he had my best intentions at heart. But deep down it was to secure me. To make me his, and no one else's. But this was what made the most sense. He thinks I can be happy with marrying him. But I didn't want to marry Jesse. I really and honestly didn't want to marry him. And I damn sure wasn't going to be forced to, which is what this crazy drunk was trying to do with the way she was looking at me. And maybe even he was, by telling my mom about it.
"I'm not gonna marry him." I finally spoke. I looked straight at her as I said that and saw her prideful face turn stern. I wasn't afraid though, because I was serious when I said that, so I recited it again.
"What the hell are you talking about? You don't want to marry a good man?" her pupils were getting smaller. That convinced me that something was bound to happen. Something that I was not expecting, but I just didn't know what. I stood up, preparing to leave just in case something was going to happen.
"I don't want to marry Jesse. I never said he wasn't a good man. I just don't see myself with him the way I would like to be." I answered, careful with the words I was choosing. It was true; he probably was the best man I would ever come across in my life, because of all we have done, all we've been through. But he is not the man I want, with all his control over me. I was always one with control, and with him, I felt as though my choices were being made for me. Like with Melanie. I see Mel's life and I can't stop thinking if that is the life I would want. Or should I want something more? I'd like to think I deserve more than just someone that loves me, even if it is in the way Jesse is "loving" me. I'd like to think that I should love them in return, something that mom never knew about. She always loved my dad, but his feelings for her were never there, and that was why he left. And she never forgave him for that. Now she thinks that having someone love you the way Jesse loves me is better than having no love at all. She just doesn't understand what love really is. And sadly I don't think she ever will.
Joanne's face remained unchanged, it was still angry sort of. It looked like she was going to hit me like she used to when I was a child. In a flash she was in front of me, grabbed my hand that I had to defend myself with and slapped me right across the face. I don't know if it was because of the unexpectedness of it or the hit alone that made me fall down on the couch, but it was enough to knock me off my feet.
"What the hell is the matter with you?" she yelled. Her hands were coming in from all angles, trying to knock some sense into me. "You are gonna throw this chance away?" She pushed me further against the couch and pummeled me there. "I swear if I have to beat the shit out of you to understand this I fucking will." I tried grabbing her meaty hands but she was too strong for me, and that was a first. She kept coming from every angle, and gave a few good whacks to my head, so hard I could swear I was seeing stars. Finally I caught her right hand in a vice like grip, and pushed her aside from me as I ran toward the door.
"He had every right to suspect you, you little whore!" she screamed at me out the door. Suspect me? Jesse suspects me? The sense of being caught froze me right outside the door. I felt her shuffling feet behind me, grabbing me by the hair, and pulling me back inside the house. I fell backwards into the living room, but regained myself before she would come back at me. There was no point in fighting a drunken person.
"What d'you mean by what you just said?" I questioned her. She had me semi cornered, so I might as well get some information behind those words. I wanted to know how long he knew about Freddie and me. I needed to know.
"You aren't denying it? So then, it is true." She said reaching into her cooler for another beer. The chssst sound made me jump, because I knew guilt was written all over my face. "I knew you would still be with that Freddie kid. You just don't know how to keep your pretty little legs closed huh." She guffawed loudly and stopped midway just to let out a burp. I didn't know whether to be disgusted or scared, but I did feel a little of both. And anger of course.
"He's not a kid. And I haven't been spreading my legs, like you say." I defended him as well as myself. But I knew I had to come clean before she would be beating the truth out of me. "I have been seeing him, and I want to be with him. Because I… I love him." I hated that it took me this long to realize it. But I did. I was able to admit in the middle of a battle. Nothing would stop me from wanting to be with him. I loved the way he smelled, the way he felt against me, inside me when we were together. She didn't say anything, just laughed some more.
"He only wants you because he can't have that Carly girl anymore. Surely you would know that by now. You are always suspicious of everyone around you, he should have been one to suspect off the bat." She told me. I didn't say anything. How dare she even think that of Freddie. He didn't want her. I could tell. Because he told me that he loved me, that he wanted to be with me. Why would he string me along?
"You're fucking ridiculous. I went to him, and he didn't reject me. He wants to be with me just like I want to be with him. Just because you have lived a shitty life you think you have every right to make everyone else as miserable as you."
"You listen you little shit. I aint miserable." I wanted to laugh in her face. Her entire body yelled miserable and depressed. Her being repelled any sense of happiness. "I am happy in ways you don't understand. I have men that want me, will buy me anything and you," she paused, thinking of ways to hurt me. I saw her eyes give me a once over, "you just get it wherever you can from whoever you can. I bet you went to him and gave yourself like a baby hooker. And he like a man just took the tail while he could." I tried holding back from the pain she inflicted. I knew yelling back at her, punching her, doing any harm to her would do no good. But as she said that about me, and about Freddie, something inside me exploded.
"Shut the fuck up!" I yelled at her face, something I never thought I could have the strength to do. She didn't understand what love was. She had no right to judge it. I wanted to attack her face, to strangle her with her own words. I was given another slap, one with such a force it took me down again. She towered over me and I felt myself cringing, expecting another pummel of punches like she did before. Instead there were no punches, there was nothing actually.
"You are just too blind and in love to see it. But you and I both know that's why he is with you. Samantha, you are only second best, and you always will be with that boy." She went back to sipping her beer, sitting back down. I felt like a defiant child who took a beating for being accused of stealing cookies, when I didn't do anything of the sort. I felt like a pawn. I didn't want to feel anything at all by the time she came to tell me what she thought of Freddie. "He's too good for you Sammy. Look where he comes from. Riches; a happy childhood; a mother that suffocates him. You and him are so different in so many ways than just one. It's better to marry someone that has lived the life you have. And what's more important, marry someone that loves you more."
Again, another machine clicked. Mel…
"You pushed that guy away from Melanie, and shoved Kevin in her face." I couldn't believe it. She plated Mel, tricking her into a relationship that was nothing but full of settlements.
"No. But I did tell her who to go with and look at her now. She's happy." She convinced herself. She couldn't do that to me.
"She settled for a happiness that is not at all what she wanted. And I don't want that life either." I told her. I didn't want to live the life that Melanie had. A settlement didn't belong in matters of the heart. That should belong in buying a house, making a deal. Never this.
"You just don't understand Samantha." She told me.
"I understand enough to know what I want."
"And what if he leaves? This Freddie guy can and will find someone else. Someone better. Maybe Carly will break it off with that guy you told me about, comes crying to Freddie. He will seize his chance and leave you." She gave me a scenario that sounded ridiculous to me, but at the same time hit me hard. I didn't want to admit it, but she did have a point. If it never does work out with Griffin, Carly would come back here, with Freddie waiting too I bet. I shook my head. The image of him waiting on hand and foot for her was too visible.
"I have to remain hopeful." I told her as much as I told myself. Hopeful that that can never happen. That he will be with me because he wants me and no one else.
"Or you can just remain with the one that is granting you a life with him." She said, taking the ring off the coffee table and placing it in my palm. I couldn't open my hand. Because it would mean that I was going to consider something that I was so sure about not doing. It would mean I would be back to square one. "You may think I don't know anything about love, but I know more than you know." She said, leaving me alone to my thoughts. After she left me alone in the room, I slowly opened my palm and saw the ring in my palm. Half of me wanted to toss it across the room, and the other half wanted me to put it on, see what it would be like, what it would look like. But I chose neither option, putting it in my pocket and shutting the door to my room.
A/N: Finally! The last point of view! Trust me this was not an easy one to write, but I hope you liked reading (I actually liked writing this one). And I always love your reviews, they make me happy. :) Until next time. I'll try updating quickly! So stay tuned.